11 Oct
Very few people realize that Phillies first baseman Ryan Howard sought psychiatric help after his horrendous showing in the National League Divisional Series against St. Louis. The following is a brief excerpt from Howard’s visit with Dr. Standish Fine, renowned sports psychiatrist in the Philadelphia area, on 10/10/11:
FINE: Mr. Howard?
HOWARD: Dr. Fine.
FINE: Mr. Howard. Come in, come in. Ooh, nasty limp.
HOWARD: Yeah, I did some major damage on my last at-bat the other night.
FINE: The one where you hit a ground ball, took one step, and collapsed?
HOWARD: Yeah. Ruptured my Achilles tendon. It was nasty. I’m telling ya, baseball’s a rough game.
FINE: Mmm hmm. Ruptured your Achilles tendon with a swing of the bat and a light jog towards first base. Uh huh. I think I just heard a collective snicker from millions of football, soccer, basketball, lacrosse, hockey, rugby, tennis and track and field players.
HOWARD: What’s that?
FINE: Nothing. Put your crutches over there and lie down on the couch. Hard to miss, unlike a baseball, huh?
HOWARD: Huh?
FINE: Nothing. Just relax. I want to try a little word association with you. You’re here because you’re confused as to why you completely sucked against the Cardinals after your lone home run in game one.
HOWARD: Yes. That was a great home run. I stood there and watched it before I ran around the bases. I didn’t tear any tendons then.
FINE: Good for you. I can see why you’re paid $138 million. Now listen. I’m going to say a series of words and you tell me the first thing that comes to your mind. Ready? “Baseball.”
HOWARD: Swing.
FINE: Interesting. So when you think of a baseball…
HOWARD: The first thing I think about is swinging at it. Swinging for the fences.
FINE: OK. “Fastball.”
HOWARD: Swing.
FINE: Makes sense. Now this should get interesting. “Sinker.”
HOWARD: Swing.
FINE: “Outside and away.”
HOWARD: Swing.
FINE: “High and inside.”
HOWARD: Swing.
FINE: “Just take the pitch.”
HOWARD: Swing.
FINE: “The count is 3-0. Do not swing. Take the pitch the entire way.”
HOWARD: Swing.
FINE: “It is more important for you to get on base no matter what. We can’t afford another worthless groundball to second base or another golf swing strikeout. Take the pitch at 3-0 and for the love of Harry Kalas DO NOT SWING.”
HOWARD: Swing.
FINE: We have a problem here.
HOWARD: Swing.
FINE: We’re done, Mr. Howard.
HOWARD: Swing.
FINE: Uh-oh.
HOWARD: Swing.
FINE: Nurse Jenkins? Get in here!
HOWARD: Swing.
NURSE: Mr. Howard? Dr. Fine? Mr. Howard!
HOWARD: Swing.
NURSE: It happened again?
HOWARD: Yes. You know the drill. Get Rubén on the phone. We’ll have to drag him out the back again…
At this point the tape ends…as abruptly as the Philadelphia Phillies’ 2011 season…