From President George W. Bush’s 8/13/04 press conference.  BUSH enters White House Pressroom accompanied by his wife, two daughters and parents George and Barbara Bush.

 

BUSH: I’d like to thank everyone for coming here today.  This has not been an easy time for my family and myself, and what I have to say will not be easy on the American people.  (He reaches for his face and suddenly pulls off a mask, revealing a face resembling an iguana.  Gasps from the members of the press.)

Ladies and gentlemen, my name is actually Colonel Cretin, 3rd in command of Her Majesty’s Imperial Army from the planet Xylophone.

 

The truth is that I am a Xylophonian-American.  Shamefully, I deceived you, the American public, into believing that I am an honest, humble Republican from Texas.  It was wrong.  It was foolish.  It was inexcusable.

 

This secret leaves the Office of the President vulnerable.  I am removing these threats by telling you that I am indeed an illegal alien.  Fortunately, in an upcoming episode of Star Trek: Enterprise, the planet Xylophone will be inducted into the Federation, so at least I can still vacation on my ranch in Texas.

 

I know I have been ridiculed for spending so much time in Texas during my administration.  Now you understand why.  As a Xylophonian, I need dry, hot air for my scaly skin.  The humidity of Washington, D.C. makes me all itchy.

 

Why have I deceived you, the American people?  Before our massive attack on your world (gasps from the press) it was important for my people to understand the nature of you Earthlings.  The fact that I, an illegal alien from the planet Xylophone was able to become president, tells us that you will in fact be an easy race to conquer and enslave.  The fact that I beat Al Gore in 2000 was not a real shock.  Mr. Gore, in fact, is merely a lieutenant from the planet Sphincter.  (Huge gasps from the crowd.)  That should have been obvious.

 

Now for the huge shocker, folks.  My opponent in this November’s election, Senator John Kerry, is not…I repeat, is not an alien from outer space.  (Tremendous gasps from the crowd; a few women faint.)  Yes, I was just as surprised as you were.

 

To all Americans…because of my resolve and also thinking I was doing the right thing, I also forced what I thought was an acceptable reality onto myself.  This morning, while eating a bowl of spiders and flies, I turned to my lovely wife (who is not an alien creature) and said, “Honey, please pass the begonia and small vertebrates…I’m still hungry.”  (Crowd chuckles.)  Seriously, folks, I said to Laura, “I need to come clean.  The American people deserve the truth before I order the final attack that will enslave Earth forever.”  And Laura agreed.

 

(It starts slowly at first, but then it builds.  Within seconds, the entire room is applauding loudly.  President Bush, i.e. Colonel Cretin, waves.  His tongue lashes out suddenly as he pulls in a wandering fly.  The crowd laughs and begins to chant, “WE LOVE YOU, MR. PRESIDENT, er, COLONEL CRETIN!  DON’T STEP DOWN!  And suddenly we see Tom Brokaw on the television screen who announces that Bush/Cretin has skyrocketed over Kerry in the polls.  Sitting in his Nevada hotel room, watching this, we listen to Senator Kerry.)

 

KERRY: You have GOT to be f***ing kidding me!  What will it take to BEAT this guy???