(From the office of Dr. Maria Weinstein, LPCMH in Buckhead, GA on 9/7/09.  This is a transcript from her first session with Horace and Katy Greenleaf, a married couple in their mid-30s.)

WEINSTEIN:  I’d like to thank you two for coming here today.  I know that seeking outside help for your marriage is never easy.

HORACE:  It was my wife’s idea, not mine.

KATY:  Horace doesn’t think we have problems.  Never has!

WEINSTEIN:  Would you like to tell me what you think the problems are in your marriage, Katy?

KATY:  Horace is never there for me anymore!  He doesn’t listen to a word I say, doesn’t lift a finger to help out around the house, is barely a father to our kids…the list is endless!  I’m working fulltime; I do all the cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping…

HORACE:  Hey.  Who mows the lawn?

KATY:  That’s once a week!

HORACE:  I take out the trash.  That’s twice a week.  Don’t forget that.

KATY:  I take the kids to their sports practices, Brownies, music lessons.  I’m exhausted!  And don’t even get me started on his lack of sex drive these days!!

WEINSTEIN:  Okay.  Now Horace, how do you feel about what Katy just said?

(Get ready for it…)

HORACE:  Well…

(The funeral director’s ears are ringing down the street…)

HORACE:  For the last couple years it seems as if my wife is PMSing around the clock.  And when she does PMS she likes to bitch and moan about nothin’ and pick fights with me.  And what I don’t understand is this…when she is PMSing, why doesn’t she just realize that her hormones are out of whack and just shut the hell up?!?!

(Horace Greenleaf was found extremely dead the evening of 9/7/09 hung upside down by his intestines from an oak tree not too far from Dr. Weinstein’s office.  It appeared as if he had been skinned alive and his genitals had been shoved in his mouth.  Katy pointed out to the police that there was plenty of room left in her husband’s mouth.  Neither Katy nor Dr. Weinstein are under suspicion but the police did find it coincidental that Dr. Weinstein hired a cleaning service the afternoon of 9/7/09.  Horace was buried three days later.  Needless to say, it was a closed casket.)

(JULIE SAMPERS, 21, of Washington, D.C. is sitting in her wheelchair on a stage in a high school auditorium, speaking in front of a few hundred students.  She is slightly contorted with her head tilted to one side and her hands shaking mildly.  She slurs as she speaks.)

I wasn’t told there would be this many people.  That’s okay.  I’m not shy.  My name is Julie.  I’m twenty-one years-old.  Nice to meet you, too.  Don’t be afraid.  I won’t bite.  Unless you bite first.  And don’t be embarrassed.  I get those looks all the time.  I’m used to it by now.  Well…I’d like to think I’m used to it.  It can still be hard for me.  Even after all these years I sometimes still can’t believe this has happened to me.  They said if I was born just a few years later, they could have possibly prevented the asphyxia and I’d be normal today.

They said I’d be normal.  But it is today and I feel normal.  I may not look or sound normal to you, since my body’s shaking and my speech is slurred, but when I look in a mirror, I don’t see myself the way you do.

(Slowly, her speech isn’t as slurred and the shaking stops.)

When I look in a mirror, I see a young woman with dreams like any young woman would have.  I’m still going to school and when I graduate, like most of you, I want to have a career.  I want to fall in love and get married.  I even want to have children.  Sometimes it really hurts when I think these things may not happen, but what would I do if I stopped dreaming?  If I believed I would never attain my goals?  I may as well stop living. 

I hope I can fall in love with a man who loves me for my mind and not this body.  Nature has played a cruel trick on me, giving me this shell that doesn’t work.  But what’s inside does.  It takes a special person to see past this.

(She stands and paces.  The slurring is completely gone.)

I have always wanted to dance!  And when I dream, I am dancing.  (MAN enters and the two begin to waltz.)  With a tall man who loves me…who would do anything for me.  And I would do anything for him.  In my mind it would be like one of those trashy romance novels I’ve read.  And that would be fine by me.  He would also say I dance divinely.

MAN:  You dance divinely.

JULIE:  Thank you.  You’re not so bad yourself.  (He kisses her and slowly exits.)  I’m going to school for biology.  I want to discover the cure for cerebral palsy, and someday you will hear my name on the news because I will be a famous scientist.  And if I don’t discover the cure, at least I’ll be remembered for trying.

I remember how scared I was when I first went to school.  Some of the boys teased me and the girls looked at me funny…like the way you did when you first saw me.  But in no time, this is how they saw me.  As normal as you.  The outside is for vanity.  It’s what is inside that counts.  Sometimes things can be so hard that I just want to give up.  But it’s when I want to give up when a little voice tells me to try even harder. 

(She returns to the wheelchair and the shaking and slurred speech returns.)

It may take me a little longer to accomplish my goals…my dreams…but I have the confidence in myself to obtain them.  And it helps when you have confidence in me, too.

You may see this wheelchair as my albatross.  I see it as my inspiration.  What inspires you?  What do you think is holding you back from accomplishing your goals?  What do you see when you look in the mirror?

For those who like to read their daily horoscope in 5 seconds…

ARIES:  Today is a perfect day to sit and reflect about all of those times you looked in the mirror and reflected. 

TAURUS:  A long, lost relative calls you today.  He says he’s 6’7” and desperately needs a GPS.  You wonder to yourself at some point today, “If clothes make the man, then what makes the woman?”  This haunting thought will keep you up tonight.

GEMINI:  Your boss will have some good news for you today!  Turns out you won’t have to worry about saving for that trip to Europe next summer after all.  Those unemployment checks will be needed for more important matters.

CANCER:  You have many years ahead of you!  Unfortunately, most of those years will be spent six feet in the ground.  You happily tell your spouse that Debbie has returned from vacation and is just so busy getting her kids off to school and catching up at work.  Your spouse asks, “Who’s Debbie?”  You respond, “Someone I don’t know who befriended me on Facebook.” 

LEO:  Your lucky word today is “why”.  Unfortunately, it will be used in some unlucky sounding sentences such as “Why am I being laid off?” and “Why are you leaving me?” and “Why am I the only one bleeding here?”

VIRGO:  You feel the need to buy a hat today.  There is a good chance you may strike up a relationship with someone in the hat store…perhaps someone who is buying a scarf or a pair of gloves.  You begin the conversation by asking “why would a hat store sell scarves or gloves?”  Or “why isn’t the plural of scarf scarfs?  Why is it scarves?”  If you’re lucky, the other person is a Leo and why is their lucky word today.

LIBRA:  Today will be that day when you finally take a stand at work.  Unfortunately, this shameless petty theft will be caught on the security cameras and you’ll need to find a good lawyer.

SCORPRIO:  You find that it’s not better to butter both sides of your bread.  It makes for a sticky sandwich that is also really high in saturated fat. 

SAGITTARIUS:  Everyone in your office laughs at you today, not with you.  Your lucky number is 70 today.  This will be the speed limit the police officer will write on your ticket, not the 82 you were actually doing. 

CAPRICORN:  Your cable goes out tonight just as you and your spouse sit to watch Mad Men.  Your spouse romantically asks if you have something else in mind.  You grab your laptop and exclaim you can watch Mad Men on hulu.com!  Your spouse goes out shopping for hats.

AQUARIUS:  You get the entire neighborhood to flush all of the toilets in their homes at the same time today!  You suddenly realize that your neighborhood is made up entirely of unemployed losers.

PISCES:  The stars are aligned for you today!  You wonder why Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, Leonardo DiCaprio, Scarlett Johansson and others are aligned on your front lawn.  You are about to call 9-1-1 when you decide that this may be a better time to take a stand.  Damn those security cameras!

From the Morgan household in Abington, PA on 8/20/09:

MRS. MORGAN:  Looks like you got some mail from your school, honey!

JIMMY:  All right!  Let’s see who I have!  Aw!  Mr. Sabatini!!!

MRS. MORGAN:  What’s wrong, dear?

JIMMY:  He’s the worst of the fourth grade teachers!  He’s a grumpy old man who hates kids.  Two hours of homework every night!  No sense of humor.  So mean!   Hates recess!  Makes you do push-ups in front of everybody if you goof off at all.  Nuts!  Hey, let me call some friends and see who they have!  (He picks up the phone and dials.)

ZACH:  Hello?

JIMMY:  Zach!  It’s Jimmy!  Just found out I have Mr. Sabatini.  Who did you get?

ZACH:  Miss Hornblower.

JIMMY:  Nuts!  Gotta go.  I have another call coming in.  Hello?

MIKE:  Hey Jimmy!  I got Miss Hornblower!  Who’d you get?

JIMMY:  Mr. Sabatini.  Nuts!  I’ll talk to ya later.  (Hangs up and dials again.)

EDDIE:  Hello?

JIMMY:  Eddie!  It’s Jimmy.  Mr. Sabatini?

EDDIE:  Hornblower.  Joey, Logan and Trevor all got Hornblower, too.

JIMMY:  What?!  Nuts!  I have another call coming in.  Hello?

MADISON:  Hello, Jimmy.

JIMMY:  Uh…hi…Madison.

MADISON:  I missed you this summer.

JIMMY:  Uh…really?  Gosh…I…

MADISON:  Did you get Mr. Sabatini?

JIMMY:  YES!  Yes, I did get Mr. Sabatini!!!

MADISON:  That’s a shame.  I got Miss Hornblower.  (JIMMY hangs up angrily.)

JIMMY:  I don’t believe this!  None of my friends got Sabatini!  What the heck?

(Doorbell rings.  JIMMY drags his feet as he walks to the front door and answers it.  MR. SABATINI is standing there holding a yard stick and six-inch thick book.)

SABATINI:  Hello…Morgan!  Looks like it’s just you ‘n’ me this year!  Two hours of homework every night!  No recess!  No one to goof off with cause they all got Miss Hornblower!  Boo ha ha ha!!!

JIMMY:  NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

(JIMMY feels himself falling backwards in slow motion as consciousness fades seamlessly to black.  JIMMY then opens his eyes and realizes he’s lying down.)

JIMMY:  Thank God…it was only a dream!

SABATINI:  No, it wasn’t, Morgan. 

(JIMMY jumps to his feet in disbelief.)

SABATINI:  You just passed out here in your foyer.  Now drop and give me twenty!!!

Senator Arlen Specter was hosting a town hall meeting to discuss the health care reforms when a fistfight broke out.  “Stop this at once!” the senator cried.  “The new health care plan does not cover injuries obtained while fighting against health care!”

Mrs. Jones was in the waiting room when her doctor entered.  “Well, Mrs. Jones,” he said.  “Your allergy test results show that you are indeed allergic to cats.”

“Cats?” said Mrs. Jones.  “That’s odd.”

“Didn’t you tell me you don’t own any cats?” asked the doctor.

“That’s right,” said Mrs. Jones.  She rubbed her chin in thought.  “Then again, I’ve always said my husband is a big pussy.”

Senator Arlen Specter was hosting yet another town hall meeting to discuss the health care reforms when a mob of angry protestors showed up at the meeting.  Things could have gotten violent, but since no one could afford to get hurt, it was a very peaceful protest. 

Three Eagles fans were sitting in a Philly bar, discussing the recent signing of Michael Vick.  “I can’t believe the Eagles signed an animal killer,” said Bill.  “Atrocious!” 

“I know!” said Larry.  “How can Jeffrey Lurie and Andy Reid sign a guy who tortured animals?!”

“How can they live with themselves?” said Steve.  “Imagine signing a guy who tortured and killed innocent animals!  Horrible!”

Just then the waitress arrived and asked for their orders.

“I’ll have a large cheeseburger,” said Bill.  “But I’ll start with some wings.  Let’s go with an order of 20.”

“Should I go with the pork or sausage sandwich?” wondered Larry.  “Hell, I’ll have one of each!”

“And I’ll have the veal cutlet,” said Steve.  “I get the veal here all the time!  Yeah!”

“So anyway,” said Bill.  “Can you believe the Eagles signed that animal killer???  I’m offended!”

President Obama was sitting with his cabinet in the Oval Office for a healthcare reform meeting.  “Okay,” he said.  “After all the money we spent for the auto bailouts, the bank bailouts, the stimulus, etc., what do we have left for health care reform?”

A member of the cabinet shrugged as he replied, “Change.”

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt were having a press conference regarding their latest adoption of an Asian child.  “Her name is Luo Si which is Chinese for Rose,” said Angelina.

“I thought your daughter was from Korea?” asked a member of the press.

“China, Korea, whatever,” said Angelina.  “There’s a question in the back?”

“Yes,” piped up a little girl.  “My name is Hanna and I’m a five-year-old orphan from Ohio.  I watch CNN and MSNBC and I always hear about all these American celebrities adopting children in other parts of the world.  According to various adoption and governmental agencies, more than 500,000 American children are under foster care. From coast to coast, babies to toddlers to teens are desperately looking for a home where they can be loved, nurtured and provided for.  What’s wrong with adopting American?”

Brad Pitt leaned forward towards his microphone and responded, “That’s a very touching statement, little girl…but these little Asian bastards can iron and starch a mean shirt!  Can you make that claim?”

From the residence of Harry Simmons, 36, of Coventry, RI.  Simmons is a private accountant, not certified or public, thank you very much.  The following took place the evening of 8/7/09:

HARRY:  Ah!  A nice, peaceful Friday evening.  The wife and kids are watching a movie in the basement and I’m sitting here in my home office, talking to myself.  Think I’ll check my email. 

Hmmm, what’s this?  “Susan Litman suggested you become a fan of Lands’ End.”  Great, more Facebook nonsense from someone I haven’t seen since high school.  Delete.  Now what’s this?  “Stacy Novak suggested you become a fan of Cheap Teeth Whitening.”  Huh?  Delete.  What, are you kidding me?  “Colleen Flemming suggested you become a fan of GEICO.”  What the hell is going on here?  Why the hell would I want to become a fan of a car insurance company?  Why are these people from two decades ago sending me this crap???

“Susan Litman suggested you become a fan of Gary Coleman.”  What?  “John Lawrence suggested you become a fan of Freaks and Geeks.”  Why?  It was canceled ten years ago!  “Susan Litman suggested you become a fan of Flipping the Pillow Over To Get To The Cold Side.”  What does that mean?  Delete, delete, delete, delete!

One hour later…

HARRY:  “Susan Litman suggested you become a fan of Sky Motored Cars.” DELETE!  “John Lawrence suggested you become a fan of silly string.”  What the hell?  I’m 36, not 11!  DELETE!  “Stacy Novak suggested you become a fan of the Art of the Age of Mechanical Reproduction.”  What the hell does that even mean?  Jesus!  What a bunch of losers!  Why did I even join Facebook???

(Suddenly, there is a loud explosion and what remains of the front door rains in the home office amidst a cloud of smoke.  Clearly stunned, HARRY is dazed as two men dressed in S.W.A.T. looking gear enter the kitchen.  Both are wearing helmets and carrying guns.)

HARRY:  My God!  What is going on?  Who are you people?

OFFICER #1:  We’re the Facebook Police.

HARRY:  The Facebook Police?

OFFICER #2:  You are Harry Simmons, age 36, of 2416 Hilltop Drive?

HARRY: Yes, but…

OFFICER #1:  It has come to our attention that you have not become a fan of anything on Facebook.

OFFICER #2:  Ever.

HARRY:  Because it’s stupid.

OFFICER #1:  Excuse me?

HARRY:  It’s stupid.  It’s juvenile.  Why do I need to become a fan of such worthless crap?  Why would anyone want to waste their precious time with such nonsense?  Look at this…while you’ve been here harassing me, I’ve been invited to become a fan of “People Who Become Fans Of Things on Facebook.”

OFFICER #2:  Sir, don’t you dare hit delete.

HARRY:  I just did.  And now I’m going to dial 9-1-1.

OFFICER #1:  Get him.

(The two OFFICERS grab HARRY and pull him away from the computer.  OFFICER #1 begins to pry open HARRY’s mouth.  As HARRY screams, OFFICER #2 takes a little bottle of liquid out of his vest and pours it down HARRY’s throat.)

OFFICER #2:  That’s it.  Drink the Facebook Juice.  Good.  (The two OFFICERS let him go.  HARRY’s face turns blank as he turns his chair to his computer.)

HARRY:  Must become…fan…of…pointless things…on…Facebook.

OFFICER #1:  The Facebook Juice has taken effect.  Our work here is done.  (They open fire on a bay window in the living room and jump through the shards.)

HARRY: (now sounding a bit like William Shatner):  Yes…I’ll become…a fan…of “Captain Kangaroo Forever” and “Norman Fell” and “Raw Cookie Dough”, and “Tron” and “Laughing When Somebody Falls” and “Hot Showers” and “Yogurt That Has Fruit On The Bottom” and “Hugs” and “The Banana Splits” on Facebook…on Facebook…on Facebook…on Facebook… on Facebook… on Facebook…

From the White House Rose Garden on 7/30/09:

GATES: Thanks for inviting the Sergeant and myself, Mr. President.  Nothing like discussing racial matters after drinking a few beers.

OBAMA:  Uh, Joe?  Could you please put away the beer helmet?

CROWLEY: You want to know why I appear uneasy, Mr. President?  The reason why we arrested Professor Gates in the first place was how violent he became under the influence of alcohol!

BIDEN:  This party sucks.  Someone get Pelosi on the phone and tell that bitch to bust out the karaoke machine!  Woo hoo!

OBAMA:  No, Joe.  We are not going to do keg stands.

GATES:  Ha, ha!  Very funny, Mr. President!  Calling 9-1-1 to say that I broke into the White House.  Ha, ha.  Ya got me there!

OBAMA: Sorry for that gunfire, fellas.  I mistakenly invited former Vice-President Cheney today and after one beer he started “hunting for those wascally Democwats, huh-huh-huh-huh” on the White House Lawn.  Secret Service took him out.  Who wants another order of nachos?

CROWLEY: Sam Adams Light?  Bud Light?  I would’ve thought you two would like a dark beer.

GATES: Condaleeza Rice still here?  No?  I would’ve liked to have gone all Barry White on her ass.

OBAMA:  Joe!  Get your tie off your forehead!  And stop dancing on the table!  Jesus!  You’re drinking non-alcoholic beer, for cryin’ out loud!

BIDEN: Fine.  I’ll say it again.  I’m sorry for mistaking you for the valet driver, Professor Gates.  Alright?  Sheesh!  You people are so friggin’ sensitive!

CROWLEY: You know what’s funny, fellas?  We would’ve treated any minority the same way that night!  Ha, ha!

From the journal of Mike Watkins, 40, of Akron, OH:

July 27^th

Not a good day.  Work was brutal.  Just wanted to come home and relax.  I kicked off my shoes, cracked open a cold one, and sat in the living room with the laptop to check out eBay.  Timmy came in a few minutes later holding a couple of books and asked me how my day was.  For a 10-year-old, the kid has some decent manners.  Thank God for his mother.  I told him I was tired but what can I do for him?

“I need some help on the birds and the bees,” he said.

Jesus…like I needed to deal with this now?  I placed my laptop aside, took a long sip of beer, and motioned for Timmy to sit beside me.  “I knew this would come up sooner or later,” I sighed.  “I guess I was hoping for later.”  It’s funny.  I knew I’d have to have this chat with the boy in the near future, but I never really prepared myself for it.  I tried to think back when my dad gave me the “Birds and the Bees” talk.  He had been sweating bullets.  I now realized that my armpits were a bit damp.

“Well, Timmy,” I began.  “When a boy starts to become a man, his brain begins a southward migration and he begins to see girls as more than just kind, caring friends.  Years later, a man and a woman will meet, fall in love, sometimes they’ll get married, and they become husband and wife.”

I took another sip of beer.  “One day they decide they want to have children so they can have a tax write-off.  So the husband gets his wife all liquored up and he sticks his ding-ding in the woman’s yum-yum.  That part is pretty sweet.  For a second there it feels like your ding-ding is about to go all M-80 like but what it’s doing is shooting this tapioca-like stuff called semen into the woman’s yum-yum.  You’ll know what semen is like in a couple years when you start spanking your ding-ding on a daily basis.  And don’t worry…you won’t go blind.  Trust your old man on that one.”

“So this semen is filled with sperm which look like tadpoles, and the sperm swim inside the woman’s body until they reach an egg.  The egg becomes fertilized, turns into a baby, and after nine months of growing in the woman’s belly, the baby shoots out of the yum-yum and lo and behold you become a father and you begin to age dramatically.”

Timmy looked horrified.

“It’s not that bad,” I said after I downed my beer.  “When you stick your ding-ding into the yum-yum, it’s called sex.  Sex can be a lot of fun…well…until you get married.  When I was in college I used to have sex all the time.  Could barely keep my ding-ding in my pants!  Nearly had to put a leash on that bad boy!  Then I met your mother and I thought it was a brilliant idea to stop having sex with a dozen women and to start having sex with one woman.  For the rest of my life.  That…same…one…woman.  Don’t ask me.  Massive brainwashing of the male species, I suppose.  But I used to tenderize the shit out of your mother’s yum-yum until you came along.  Then she became more interested in Pampered Chef and Tastefully Simple parties and less interested in sex.”

Timmy now looked horrified and confused.

“If that happens, you need to try to keep your love life stimulating!  Your mother just said to me last month, ‘Why don’t you try to spice up things a bit?’  So that Friday night while you were at a sleepover, I picked up this Mexican hooker………what?  She was over 18!  At least I think she was.  It was hard to understand her……with the duct tape covering her mouth.  Your mother walked into the bedroom and nearly freaked out.  ‘What are you doing?’ she cried.  ‘You know I don’t like Mexican!!!’  So I dropped her off and picked up a Chinese girl.  Everything went okay except an hour later it felt like we hadn’t had any sex at all so I was off again roaming the streets, looking for a pick-up, hoping none of the hookers were undercover cops.”

Timmy looked pale as a ghost.  He stood up, dropped his books, and ran out of the room, screaming.  Confused, I picked up his two books.  Birds of North America and Our Friend the Honeybee.  “Aw, shit,” I muttered.  “Hey!” I yelled after my traumatized son.  “I was just kidding!  A stork…yeah, a stork… dropped you down our chimney!!!  Pinky swear!!!”

From God’s office on 7/20/09:

(SCENE:  We see GOD sitting behind His desk in His office, scraping the cuticles off His fingernails.  Over His phone intercom we hear a female voice.)

VOICE:  St. Peter here to see you, Sir.

GOD:  Thanks, Ms. Magdalene.  Send him in.  (The door opens and ST. PETER enters.  GOD motions for him to have a seat in the leather chair in front of his desk.)

PETER:  How’s it going, Big Guy?

GOD:  Not bad, Pete.  Not bad.  How you doin’?

PETER:  Pretty good.  We’ve got a big day today!  Lots of incoming souls this morning.  We have dozens of orientation classes lined up for the afternoon.

(GOD stands and begins to pace.)

GOD:  Good to hear, Pete.  Good to hear.  Listen…I called you in here today to share some troubling news.

PETER:  What’s wrong?

GOD:  Well…thanks to you, PGI would never have gotten off the ground like it has.  Sure, we’ve had our ups and downs these past 8,000 quarters, but if it wasn’t for you, Pete, Pearly Gates Inc. would never be the success that it has been.

PETER:  Thanks, m’Lord.  Has it really been that long?  Jesus!

JESUS:  Yeah, Pete?

PETER:  Oh, hey, Jesus!  I didn’t see you standing there.

GOD:  I wanted my son here because…well, Pete…we’re making some changes with PGI.

PETER:  What do you mean?

JESUS:  We’re outsourcing the entire Soul Influx Dept., Pete.  You and your team are being let go.

PETER:  What? 

JESUS:  Things have been good, Pete, but with the economy the way it is, costs have been so high and the revenue has dropped these last two quarters.  We need to trim the fat, so to speak.  We’re outsourcing the SID to a company from Hell.

PETER:  Are you serious?

GOD:  Now now, Pete.  You’re still going to get your quarterly bonus.  Don’t you worry about that.  You earned it, my friend. 

PETER:  M’Lord!  Please don’t do this to me!  For 2,000 years I’ve been your right hand man at PGI!  It’s who I am!  It’s all I know!

GOD:  You can go to Hell.

PETER:  What?!

GOD:  Satan needs someone to run the Soul Influx Dept. for a few months while he looks to hire a fulltime replacement.  I’ve already spoken with him about lending you out as a contractor.

SATAN:  Three, four months tops.

PETER:  Oh, hey Satan.  Didn’t see you standing there.  My God this is a big office. 

SATAN:  I could really use your help.  Account Receivables is in shambles. 

PETER:  What’s the point in outsourcing the department to Hell if I’m going to run it for now anyway?

GOD:  You wouldn’t believe the cost of pensions!  It was ridiculous for Me to offer those never ending retirement plans hundreds of years ago.  Nobody dies twice!  We’re nearly bankrupt, Me dammit! 

PETER (to GOD):  Alright, alright.  Four months, tops, okay? 

GOD:  You got it.  I swear to myself.

JESUS:  I’ll help you pack, Pete.  (The two exit.)

SATAN:  I gotta roll, Big Guy.  I’ll expect you to cover Peter’s relo expenses?

GOD:  Yes, yes, of course.  We still on for poker this Friday?

SATAN:  Yeah.  My turn to host. 

GOD:  I’ll bring some beer and munchies…cause I know you’ve got dessert covered!  Ha ha ha!

SATAN:  “Devil’s Food Cake” still cracks you up after all this time, huh?

GOD:  That never gets old with Me.  Now begone!  Before I get all biblical on your ass or something.

The 2010 Benefits Open Enrollment meeting will be held at 2PM today.

From the unpublished book, Line, Please by movie junket Todd Phipps of Lexington, KY.  Mr. Phipps has done extensive research on some of the most famous movie lines in the history of cinema and their initial original line from previous drafts of the script.  Here are some examples:

From Gone With the Wind, 1939:  “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.”

Rhett Butler says this after a sobbing Scarlett O’Hara blurts out, “Rhett…Rhett, if you go, where shall I go?  What shall I do?”  The original line to be uttered from Rhett to Scarlett was supposed to be, “I can’t believe I ate the whole thing!” and second place was “You know what?  You know WHAT?  That’s what!” but the producer, David O. Selznick, deemed the first line “extraordinarily irrelevant” and the second line “slightly out of character” for the gentleman-like rogue. 

From Dr. No, 1962:  “Bond…James Bond.”

The original line to be spoken by the British secret agent was to be, “My name?  It’s James.  James Bond.  My friends call me Jimmy.  You can call me James.  Doesn’t matter to me.  Do you like flowers?”  The producers thought this was a bit long-winded of 007 and decided to keep his introduction simple.  The scene where Bond was dancing through a field of daisies with his thumb up his ass was ultimately cut.

From The Empire Strikes Back, 1980:  “I am your father.”

The first draft of the script had Darth Vader muttering to Luke, “Who’s your daddy?” but James Earl Jones couldn’t say it without giggling like a schoolgirl, so the change to the line was made.

From The Godfather, 1972:  “I’ll make him an offer he can’t refuse.”

Don Corleone’s famous line was supposed to be “Let’s break his friggin’ kneecaps then go to DQ for a Snickers Breeze…what?  They don’t make Breeze’s no more?  Only Blizzards?  Well, slap my ass and call me Sally!  I’m trying to watch my weight over here!” but Francis Ford Coppola fortunately chopped the line and made a few changes to make it into the memorable iconic phrase.

From The Wizard of Oz, 1939:  “I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!”

The original line, amazingly, was “I’ll get you, bitch, and your son of a bitch too!” but the producers thought this was a bit too harsh, especially for 1939.  Also, the original line for “Toto, I’ve got a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore” was “Where the f*** are we, dog?”  Once again, the producers did the right thing and made the appropriate change.

From Jerry Maguire, 1996:  “You had me at hello.”

Everybody melts when Renee Zellweger says this to Tom Cruise, right?  Original ideas for this line were:  “You had me at hello, ya Klingon-worshipping midget”, “You do know that L. Ron Hubbard was simply a second-rate sci-fi writer, don’t ya?  You don’t see anyone worshipping Philip K. Dick or Ray Bradbury now, do ya?” and the nearly chosen “You want me at hello?  Show me the money!”

From The Gold Rush, 1925:  The scene where Charlie Chaplin raises his eyebrows.

Since this was a silent movie, there were no spoken lines.  In that scene where Chaplin raises his eyebrows, he was originally supposed to smirk and tilt his head.  The change ultimately makes this one of the most celebrated movies of all time. 

From Terminator 2: Judgment Day, 1991:  “Hasta la vista, baby.”

37 takes were filmed of the California governor until this one was finally picked.  Some of the losers were “Great, thanks a bunch!”, “Au revoir, mon ami!”, “Bye-bye, birdie!”, “Don’t forget to write!”, “Mein arsch ist wund”, “Give a hoot, don’t pollute!”, “I want my MTV!”, “A drink a day keeps the shrink away”, “See ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya!” and “You know what?  You know WHAT?  That’s what!”

Can I have a chocolate chip cookie dough Blizzard?