Seek Therapy has obtained the new book by Sarah Palin, Going Rogue: An American Life.  Since no one with half a brain will go out and purchase this, we have decided to enlighten the Seek Therapy readers with excerpts from it.  Enjoy.

On growing up in Alaska:  “It was great growing up in Alaska.  Lots of snow.  And meat.  I used to go hunting with my Dad every weekend.  We’d shoot meese…that’s plural for moose…and polar bease (plural for bears) and one time I shot an Eskimo.  Yah.  I did.  Shot him in the snowballs.  He went running for his igleese…that’s plural for igloo…and I finally gave up on my one chance of making Eskimo Pie.  Yah.  Great memories.  When my father died I had him stuffed and placed on my mantel.  Yah.”

On quitting as Governor of Alaska:  “The media and my opponents would love to say that I quit as Governor of Alaska.  Sarah Palin is no quitter.  Yah.  I did not quit.  I just stepped down so I could write this book.  My fellow Alaskans didn’t need me in the governor’s mansion fighting for them…they needed to know what I really thought of Katie Couric and Tina Fey.”

On what she really thought of Katie Couric and Tina Fey:  “I thought Tina Fey was really nice, yah know?  Really nice.  I told her that.  I told her I thought she was really nice.  But not funny.  I didn’t tell her that.  Katie Couric was really mean.  And very disrespectful, yah know?  During our interview she caught me off guard.  I didn’t realize she was going to ask me questions.  She should have informed me.”

On John McCain:  “John McCain is like the great-grandfather I never had.  Well, I did have a great-grandfather, but I never met him.  He was eaten by a herd of meese one day while out hunting Eskimo.  Apparently, I inherited my great-grandfather’s excellent vision, yah know.  He could see Russia from his house, too.  Or it might have been Russian dressing.  He was a big fan of the Reuben.  Before he died.”

On running for president in 2012:  “I haven’t really thought about running for president in 2012.  What would be the point of being elected president when 6 weeks later the world is going to come to an end?  I wouldn’t want to be elected president and then the world comes to an end.  The media would totally blame me for that, yah know?  Katie Couric and her big shot friends from the lower 48 would shish kabob me on that one.  Mmm…shish kabob…”

On Hillary Clinton:  “Should Secretary Clinton and I ever sit down together over a bison burger, I’d say to her, ‘Hillary, have you ever gone quail hunting?  It’s really fun when you hunt from a chopper…just be sure you don’t fire up.’  I’d like to discuss with her how we can run this country better.  Now that I’ve quit as governor of Alaska, yah, I have plenty of time to help out my fellow Americans in the lower 48.  I have lots of ideas and I’m sure Clinton would love to hear…mmm…bison burgers…mmm…”

On David Letterman’s poorly received joke:  “I really didn’t appreciate him calling my younger daughter a whore.  Shows what kind of person he is.  Generally lacks class.”

On being told that Letterman did not call her younger daughter a whore but rather was joking that Alex Rodriguez knocked up Bristol, her older daughter, during the seventh inning stretch:  “I still don’t get it.  Bristol didn’t get knocked up by a Yankee…she got spermatized by a white trash hick here in Alaska!  Who writes for that man?”

Mmm...meat...

With the recent straight-to-DVD/Blu Ray release of the highly anticipated “Tinker Bell and the Lost Treasure”, Walt Disney has now sent out a press release of their upcoming straight-to-DVD/Blu Ray releases for 2010.  Children all over the world are losing sleep awaiting the release of these sure-fire future Disney animated classics:

Abu & the Magic Banana:  Abu, that lovable monkey from Aladdin and its underrated sequel The Return of Jafar returns in this winner about a magic banana that causes grief in Abu’s primate neighborhood.  The female monkeys have discovered a banana that brings great joy to them, but not to the seemingly inadequate male monkeys. 

The Lady and the Tramp III: The Lady is a Tramp:  Lady decides that the Tramp shouldn’t be the only dog to have some real fun. 

Bambi 3-D:  Bambi’s Revenge:  Bambi changes his name to Bambo, sports some military fatigues, and decides to hunt down the human who gunned down his mother.  Get ready to duck on your couch…the bullets look like they’re coming right at ya!

Sleeping Beauty and the Beast:  The unforgettable casts of Sleeping Beauty and Beauty and the Beast collide in this magnificent extravaganza as the Beast falls out of love with Belle and in love with Sleeping Beauty because “She reminds me of Belle when she’s passed out on the couch.”

The Adventures of Ichabod Crane 2:  Headless Than Zero:  Your favorite malnourished schoolteacher is back in Sleepy Hollow!  What happened to Ichabod at the end of the first movie?  You’ll find out in the Rocky III style opening montage as the Headless Horseman sings “I Got No Head in My Bed” which should garner an Oscar nomination.

Pocahontas 3:  Because this storyline wasn’t completely exhausted in the first two.  This time, Pocahontas steps through a time portal and ends up in a Native American casino in Connecticut where she discovers the true meaning of love.  The love of money from the white man.

Dory Meets Monstro:  Well, it’s about time these two met!  Dory suddenly remembers that her family was swallowed by Monstro and spends half the movie trying to find the big whale with her new friend, Sam the Celibate Clam.  When she finds Monstro, the two become fast friends and belt out “The Mammal & Me” featuring the lyrics:  I’m that fish from Nemo, and I’m that whale from Pinocchio…and together we’re gonna have a whale of a good time!  Fun for the whale, er, whole family!

Snow White Bites the Big Apple:  Snow White decides her life was better after she bit the witch’s apple, so she decides to go to the Big Apple thinking she can take a bite out of it, hoping this time a kiss from a tart of a prince won’t wake her up.  Plenty of action as Snow and her seven little friends roam Manhattan.  The scene between Grumpy and the Pakistani cab driver will have you howling. 

The Country Bears Meet the Chicago Bears:  Because The Country Bears absolutely deserved a sequel.  Kyle Orton and Cedric Benson were Chicago Bears when they lent their voices to this project.  Now Orton’s quarterbacking Denver and Benson is a running back for the Bengals and…well…we might shelve this one. 

And don’t miss out on these gems:

The Little Mermaid III:  Ariel Gets a Hangnail

Cinderella IV:  Cinderella Joins Starfleet

The Hunchback of Notre Dame 3:  Quasimoto Plays For the Fighting Irish

The Lion King IV:  We Ain’t Lion, No One Likes a Cheetah

Pinocchio 2:  The Real Boy Has Some Serious Wood

The Fox and the Hound 3:  Seriously, Something Actually Happens This Time!

So look for these releases in the new year because Walt Disney wants to show once and for all that we are NOT a second-rate, money-grabbing corporation. We can still spit out some quality animated features!

You again?

From the household of Flex Malarky, 41, of West Chester, PA, the evening of 11/2/09.  Flex, his wife Cindy, son Frank and daughter Casey have just sat in their family room to watch Game 5 of the World Series.

CASEY:  Let’s go Phillies!

FRANK:  Dad?  Do you think they’ll win tonight?  If not, it’s all over.

FLEX:  Cliff Lee will come through, son.  I know he will.

CINDY:  OK…everyone has a drink, here’s the popcorn…

FRANK:  Can I add some peanuts to the popcorn, Mom?  So it’s like Cracker Jacks?

CASEY:  It would be like we’re at the game!

CINDY:  Sure, dear.  I’ll go grab the peanuts.

FLEX:  I feel like we’re forgetting something.  Something important.

FRANK:  What, Dad?  The game’s about to start, we have our snacks, our drinks…

CASEY:  Our comfy blankets!

FLEX:  I know.  I’m not sure what I’m forgetting.

CINDY:  Let me mix these peanuts in with the popcorn.

FRANK:  Now we need some melted caramel on this so it’s really like Cracker Jacks, Mom!

CINDY:  I don’t think so. 

FRANK:  Beah heah!!  Get yer ice cold beah heah!  Now it feels like we’re at the ballpark!

CINDY:  Honey, what’s wrong?

FLEX:  I know I’m forgetting something.

FRANK:  Can I have a beer, Dad?  I’m 10 now.

CASEY:  Sit next to me, Mommy!  Under the comfy blanket!

CINDY:  Turn on the TV, honey!

FLEX:  OK, here we go!  (Turns on the flat screen with the remote.)  Let’s go, Fightin’ Phils!

(Suddenly, the large screen is filled with Fox announcer Joe Buck’s head.)

FLEX:  Oh no!  I just remembered!  Joe Buck SUCKS!!!

CINDY:  Quick!  Honey!  Shut it off!  (Flex attempts to shut off the TV when he fumbles and drops the remote.  The children scream.)

FRANK:  Dad!  Quick!

FLEX:  Where’s the remote?!?!  Oh my God!  It’s under the coffee table!

JOE BUCK:  …and the New York Yankees can wrap up the series…tonight…in the supposed city of Brotherly Love…

CASEY:  Daddy!  I’m…getting…sleepy…

FLEX:  I almost have it!  Cover your ears!

JOE BUCK:  You know, Tim McCarver, the Philadelphia Phillies were the first major league team to lose 10,000 games.

CINDY:  Flex!  Hurry!

JOE BUCK:  This city never appreciated their stars…Mike Schmidt…Donovan McNabb…

FRANK:  Dad…losing…consciousness…

CASEY:  Mommy…………….help…………

JOE BUCK:  The New York…………….Yankees…………looking to win……their 27th………..

CINDY:  Ugh!  He’s already started the 10 second pauses between words!  Shut it off!

FLEX:  Got it!  (He points the remote at the TV, pushing the buttons furiously.)  It’s not working!!  (Frank and Casey, now unconscious, fall off the couch and crumple to the floor.  Cindy attempts to help them but collapses.)

CASEY:  If only…some hint of emotion…in his voice!  (She passes out.)

FLEX:  I’ll unplug the TV!

JOE BUCK:  Certainly…..the two……..best teams………are in………the World…Series.

FLEX:  Unplug…TV…and turn on the…radio.  (Flex collapses in front of the flat screen.  The entire Malarky family is unconscious as Joe Buck’s grating, life-sucking voice drones on and on and on…)

From the front doorstep of the White House, 10/31/09:

*DING DONG!*

PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA:  Honey?  Could you please answer the door?  I’m rehearsing here in front of the mirror for my next speech.

MICHELLE OBAMA:  The Afghanistan speech?

OBAMA:  No, I gave that speech an hour ago.

MICHELLE:  The healthcare reform speech?

OBAMA:  45 minutes ago.

MICHELLE:  The clean energy speech?

OBAMA:  Half hour ago.  I’m rehearsing my “Reasons Why the Stimulus Package is Working” speech.  I’m giving it in fifteen minutes.  MSNBC is here.

MICHELLE:  I know.  I caught Keith Olbermann sniffing your shoes in your closet again.  That man disturbs me.

*DING DONG!*

(MICHELLE answers the door.  A little boy dressed as a pirate is standing there with his bag of goodies.)

MICHELLE:  Ooh!  Look at this scary trick or treater!

BOY:  Trick or treat, lady.

MICHELLE:  Barack?  Come here and look at this little boy!

OBAMA:  Honey, I’m looking at myself in the mirror.  I’m rehearsing.

MICHELLE:  Just for a second.

OBAMA:  Hey, cute costume, kid.  Want to hear my speech?  It’s the seventh speech I’m giving today.

BOY:  Not really.  How about a treat?

(OBAMA reaches into a nearby basket and pulls out a number of scrolls.)

OBAMA:  Instead of candy, we’re giving out transcripts of some of my most famous speeches.  Would you like my Cairo speech from June, my 2004 speech at the Democratic convention or my inaugural speech?  That last one’s a real treat!  Inspired a lot of people!

BOY:  I’d like $20 million in bailout money, Mr. President.

OBAMA:  Excuse me?

BOY:  I need it pronto.  My lemonade stand business is about to go into bankruptcy for $19,999,978.00 if not bailed out immediately.  My purchase of $8.00 in lemonade mix and $2.00 in cups made a total of $32.00 in sales. $32.00 minus my initial investment of $10.00 equals $22.00 in profit minus my $20,000,000.00 annual bonus equals a $19,999,978.00 loss. As an 11-year-old I am the future of America. Will Congress bail out America’s future?

OBAMA:  Wouldn’t you rather read one of my uplifting speeches?  I have a lot of them.  Here, check out what I said on Letterman a few weeks ago.

BOY:  Why don’t you put down the pen and paper, Mr. President, pick up the phone, and do something?  It’s why we elected you!

OBAMA:  But the Republicans…

BOY:  …are the minority!  You Democrats own the House and Senate!  Do something!

OBAMA:  But they don’t like me anymore.  That’s why I need to give this speech.  People like me when I speak.  Here, just listen…ahem!  Madame Speaker, Vice President Biden, Members of Congress, and the American people:  When I spoke here last winter, this nation was facing the worst economic crisis since the Great Depression. We were losing an average of 700,000 jobs per month. Credit was frozen. And our financial system was on the verge of collapse.  As any American who is still looking for work or a way to pay their bills will tell you, we are by no means out of the woods. A full and vibrant recovery is many months away.  And I will not let up…

BOY:  Yeah, yeah.  Whatever.  Look, can I at least get a Kit-Kat or something?

(What happens when there are too many stories to satirize in one week.  SCENE:  Your standard retail store.  KATE GOSSELIN enters and is greeted by an employee dressed in a SANTA outfit.)

SANTA:  Ho ho ho!

KATE:  How dare you call me a ho’!

SANTA:  Welcome to your standard retail store!  Ho ho ho!  Merry Christmas!

KATE:  Uh…it’s two weeks to Halloween and I need to buy some outfits for my kids.  You know, my “plus 8”?  Ha, ha, ha.  I’m Kate Gosselin and I’m all about me.

SANTA:  I’m sorry; we stopped selling Halloween stuff back in August.  Thanksgiving season ended on Columbus Day.  Do you need some stocking stuffers?  I’d hurry if I were you!  The trucks full of Valentine’s Day crap is unloading in the back as we speak.  Ho ho ho!

KATE:  Are you kidding me?  I can’t buy Halloween stuff in October anymore??  I can’t live like this!  Why did Jon leave me?  I can’t go on… (to camera man)…you’re not standing on my good side…cheat left…cheat left!   Ahem!  Action!  Why did Jon leave me?

(SANTA removes his red coat and pants to reveal a CUPID outfit, complete with bow and arrow.)

SANTA/CUPID:  Happy Valentine’s Day!  Get all your goodies for Valentine’s Day before it’s too late!

(The front doors open and ROMAN POLANSKI enters, amidst a chorus of boos.)

ROMAN:  What?  She wanted it!  Everybody knows that!  (To SANTA/CUPID)  I need a really good Halloween outfit.  The French have a plan to sneak me out of my Swiss cell tonight but I need to be disguised.

SANTA/CUPID:  Why don’t you disguise yourself as a moral human being who realizes now, 32 years later, that he should pay the penalty for molesting a 13-year-old when he himself was 44?

ROMAN:  Nah…how about a ghost or a pirate costume?

SANTA/CUPID:  You’re already out of Switzerland, Mr. Polanski.  This is a standard retail store in the U.S.

ROMAN:  My God those French are efficient.

KATE:  How come no one is talking to me anymore?  Helllloooo??  Kate Gosselin here!  Did I mention I’m on Facebook?  And that I Twit?  No one is more relevant or hip than me!

(The front doors open and JOHN McCAIN enters.)

McCAIN:  Good day, my friends.  I’m here today to urge everyone to write their congressman to push for a posthumous pardon for Jack Johnson.

SANTA/CUPID:  Jack Johnson is dead???  I loved Jack Johnson!  I have all his albums!

KATE:  Does he ever sing about me, Kate Gosselin?  I’m appearing on The View next week.  Not sure who’s babysitting my kids.  (to camera man)  Did you get that?  I just smiled.  See?  I can smile!!!

McCAIN:  My friends, I’m talking about the African-American boxer, Jack Johnson.  I’m urging President Obama to grant a posthumous pardon to Johnson who served 10 months in jail for dating a white woman in 1913.

ROMAN:  This is why I fled your stupid country!  He got 10 months in jail just for dating a white chick???

(The front doors open and RICHARD and MAYUMI HEENE, along with their son FALCON a.k.a. “Balloon Boy” enter, amidst a chorus of boos.)

RICHARD:  What?  It wasn’t a hoax!  We are not in this for the attention!  Ooh, honey, look!  Cameras!

FALCON:  Daddy, you told me to go hide in the garage so that one day we can have a reality TV show and sell our souls like that bitch Kate Gosselin.

RICHARD:  Did not.  (to KATE’s camera man)  Get my good side on this.  Not too close.  Thanks!  Ahem!  I am Richard Heene and I am here today to assure all of America that I am indeed available for a reality TV show contract.  My wife and I have decided to adopt some more kids, give them all names like Hawk and Swallow and Peregrine, then swap wives or kids or lose weight or dance or whatever it takes to get a multi-million dollar contract from the idiots at TLC.

KATE:  Beat ya to it, loser.

(The front doors open and KANYE WEST enters.)

KANYE:  There are so many funnier blogs than this one!

(SANTA/CUPID is now dressed as a LEPRECHAUN.)

LEPRECHAUN:  That would have been funnier 2 weeks ago, jackass.  Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

(Everyone but KANYE WEST holds their heads back and laughs.  Freeze scene and roll end credits.)

We're also available for birthday parties, weddings, bar mitzvahs...

An exclusive look at a telemarketer’s script, submitted to Seek Therapy from the company TM Inc., a telemarketing company that offers customized and cost-effective telemarketing services to meet the unique requirements of their client’s market.  The following 10-step script is written for one of TM Inc.’s clients, a mortgage company, and it is handed to each new TM Inc. call center employee during orientation. 

STEP 1:  Dial the prospect.  We recommend between 8:30-9:00PM, local time.  Families love to hear from telemarketers during this time frame.

STEP 2:  When cold call prospecting, start the call with, “I was just calling people in your area…”  People don’t want to feel like they’re the only person you’re calling… they just want to feel like one of the nameless drones you’re calling from a massive list.  No one likes to feel special.

STEP 3:  When the prospect says, “Hello”, sit in silence for a few seconds before responding.  We recommend you say, “Hello?” in return as if you could not hear their initial hello.  This always gets the conversation headed in the right direction.

STEP 4:  Just for fun, as soon as the prospect answers, say “Please hold for the next available operator” and be silent!  As the prospect begins to swear, tell them you are the next operator and how you’d like to get him or her qualified for a lower mortgage payment.  Prospects love this! 

STEP 5:  Mispronounce the prospect’s name.  For example, if the prospect’s name is “Scott Basham”, please say, “Is Basheem there?”  Prospects find this amusing.  If the prospect responds, “Are you looking for Scott Basham?” pause for three seconds and simply reply, “Basheem?”

STEP 6:  If the prospect angrily says, “Do you realize what time it is?” respond with, “Yes, it is time for you to refinance.”  If the prospect follows up with “It’s very late and I’m putting my children to sleep” respond with “I did not realize you were a veterinarian.”  People love this tongue-in-cheek humor from their telemarketer.

STEP 7:  If the prospect says, “Take me off your list!” respond with, “I do not have a list.  It is only you, me and my confirmation department makes three.  Which credit card will you be using today?”

STEP 8:  Speak very quickly.  If the prospect even tries to get in a word edgewise, throw in a “blah-blah-blah I can’t hear you!” every once in awhile.  Communication is key here.

STEP 9:  If the prospect tells you they are not interested, ignore them and continue to read your script.  Your monthly bonus is predicated on the number of times you can get through your script, not the number of completed sales.

STEP 10:  If the prospect tells you they are interested…we’ll get back to you on this.  No one has ever been interested before.  We don’t even know the extension number for the confirmation department.

"How may I annoy you?"

Six Native Americans Angry Over the Name “Redskins”

WASHINGTON, D.C.-(AP) How long will the Washington Redskins stay the Redskins? The professional football team has long been the focus of controversy for what some consider a defamatory name, and after 17 years of legal wrangling, the Supreme Court may hear a suit that could revoke the Washington Redskins federal protection of their name and logo. On Sept. 14, six Native Americans with way too much time on their hands petitioned the high court to hear their appeal.

“I think people will look back on this case 20 years from now, and really wonder why this was ever considered a debatable issue,” says Chief Hihowareya, an attorney representing the Native Americans pro bono in the suit.

“Redskin is the most derogatory word you can use to describe a Native American,” says Load of Bull, founder of the International Indian Treaty Council. The term originates from the bounty-hunting days, when colonies and companies would pay settlers for dead American Indians.

“Scalps, called redskins were used as trophies and proof because it was too difficult to carry the entire body, says Sunny To Partly Cloudy, one of the plaintiffs in the suit. “This term describes a heinous act,” Cloudy adds.

“How would you like it if an NFL team was called the New York Crackers or the Philadelphia Honkys?” Load of Bull asked a white reporter.

“I’d say ‘Who gives a shit?’” responded the reporter.  “We have soldiers dying in Iraq and Afghanistan, the swine flu may kill thousands in the U.S. this winter, the economy is still in the tank, millions of Americans have been unemployed for far too long, healthcare costs are still sky-rocketing while our filthy rich politicians still can’t figure out a way to make some reforms…and you’re upset that the NFL team in Washington…since 1937…is called the Redskins?  Where were you in 1937?  1957?  In the 1970s?  80s?  Now you care???  Hey, my great-grandmother is Danish and Norwegian, so the name Minnesota Vikings offends me!”

“My grandfather worked in a meat factory, so the name Green Bay Packers offends me!” said another reporter.  “And he is the one Irishman who doesn’t have a bad temper, so the name Notre Dame Fighting Irish offends the hell outta me!”

“I’m a Quaker,” said another reporter.  “How dare the University of Pennsylvania use the name Quakers for their sports teams!  Quakers don’t play sports!  We just wear funny hats and eat oatmeal!  Change those names!  What do you think of that?  Change all the names to the Honkys!  Who gives a shit?!  Did you know that in 2004, the Annenberg Public Policy Center at the University of Pennsylvania asked 768 Native Americans whether they were offended by the Washington Redskins’ name?  About 90 percent of those polled said they were not bothered, and only 9 percent said they found the team name offensive.* And 100% of those 90% said ‘Who gives a shit?’**”

At that, Load of Bull, Chief Hihowareya and Sunny To Partly Cloudy were silent.  “Well,” said Bull as he puffed on his peace pipe which clearly offended the non-smokers.  “I guess now is a bad time to mention that we’re also suing the Atlanta Braves, Chicago Blackhawks, Cleveland Indians and Kansas City Chiefs…”

*True!

**Not true!

This Seek Therapy offends me! Put 'em up!

An eye doctor was performing a complete physical on Mr. Jones, including the visual acuity test.  He placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, “Cover your right eye with your hand.”  Mr. Jones read the 20/20 line perfectly.  “Now your left.”  Again, a flawless read.  “Now both,” the eye doc requested.  There was silence.  He couldn’t even read the large E on the top line.  The doctor turned and discovered that Mr. Jones had done exactly what he had asked; he was standing there with both eyes covered.

A husband and wife are sitting in the office of their sex therapist.  “What seems to be the problem?” the therapist asks.

“My husband’s orgasms don’t last long at all,” the wife complained.  “Two…three seconds tops.  It’s such a turn-off for me.”

The therapist turned to the husband and asked, “So, would you like to discuss your shortcomings?”

A doctor walks into his patient’s room.  “Good afternoon,” says the doctor. 

“Hey, doc,” says the patient. 

“Let me ask you,” says the doctor.  “Did the nurse take your temperature?”

“Why?” asks the patient.  “Is it missing?”

“So, Mr. Smith,” asks the therapist, “would you like to tell me why you’re here today?”

“Sure,” said Mr. Smith.  “My wife here thinks I’m nuts!  Can you imagine?”

The therapist looks at the empty chair beside Mr. Smith and says, “It’s only you and I here, Mr. Smith.”

Mr. Smith points his thumb at the empty chair, leans forward and whispers, “The crazy bitch thinks she’s invisible!”

Glenn Beck runs into his eye doctor’s office.  “Doc!” he cries.  “I can’t see!  I’m blind!  Ya gotta help me!”

“There’s nothing I can do for you, Mr. Beck,” says the eye doc.  “But I am going to recommend a proctologist for you.”

“A proctologist??” Glenn Beck cries.  “But I’m blind!”

“The reason why you can’t see,” says the eye doc, “is because your head is wedged up your ass!”

Mr. Johnson is sitting in the waiting room of the ER when the doctor walks through the door.  “Mr. Johnson,” he says with a somber look on his face.  “I have some bad news.  Your wife has died.”

Mr. Johnson looks confused.  “She died?” he said.  “From a splinter???”

The doctor sat beside him.  “Yes,” he said.  “Apparently, she had developed an allergy to wood.”

“Ah ha!” cried Mr. Johnson as he grabbed his crotch.  “So now I know why she never wanted to have sex!”

From the office of Dr. LeRoy Bennett of Oak Lawn, IL on 9/21/09:

OBAMA:  Hello?  Anyone in here?

BENNETT:  Mr. President!  Hello!  Welcome!  I am thrilled that you still consider me your #1 ass man. 

OBAMA:  Well, you do crack me up.

BENNETT:  What seems to be the problem?

OBAMA:  I believe I have some kind of growth on my ass.

BENNETT:  I see.  Yes, there does seem to be a large lump there.  How long have you had it?

OBAMA:  It began the day of the Inauguration like the other ones you’ve already removed.  I tried to ignore this one at the time but it has certainly gotten bigger.  It’s affecting my basketball game.

BENNETT:  Let me numb it for you…there…and a quick slice.  OK, let me run some tests to see what kind of growth this is.

(Some time later…)

BENNETT:  Well, Mr. President.  I have some bad news but some good news.

OBAMA:  Let’s hear it.  I’m all ears.

BENNETT:  The growth was cancerous.  We call it a “Keith Olbermann.”  Keith Olbermann was attached to your ass…connected by the lips.  The good news is we got it off in time.

OBAMA:  You have got to be kidding me!  I just had Bill Maher and Chris Matthews removed from my ass last week!  Why is this happening again?

(KEITH OLBERMANN enters the room.  His lips are bandaged.)

KEITH:  Perhaps I can answer that, Mr. President.  You see, we here at MSNBC and CNN…or what are referred to as the mainstream news media…

(He pauses.  He bites his lip.  Soon, KEITH begins to chuckle.  BENNETT and OBAMA also chuckle.)

KEITH:  Sorry about that.  Let me try again.  CNN and MSNBC, the most obvious choices of the mainstream media…

(All three break down in hysterics.)

KEITH:  I’m sorry!  I can’t get CNN, MSNBC and mainstream out in the same sentence!  HA! HA! HA!

OBAMA (wipes away tears):  Oh, that was a good one.  I needed a good laugh.  But seriously, Keith, can you and your cronies please cover the White House objectively?  You’re not doing the American public any justice by kissing my ass.

KEITH (caresses OBAMA’s shoulder):  But…we love you.

OBAMA:  I appreciate that.  But I do need to be held accountable.  Pretend…pretend I’m a Republican.

KEITH (cringes):  No!

OBAMA:  Pretend I’m a Republican and I’m sure you’ll be able to find some fault in me.

KEITH:  I don’t know if I can be that open-minded.  Are you sure, Mr. President? 

OBAMA:  Yes.  Now I need to get back to work.  Thanks, doc!

BENNETT:  Anytime, Mr. President!

(OBAMA rips off his suit to reveal a superhero costume, complete with cape.)

OBAMA:  The country needs me!  Up, up and away!!!  (He flies out the door.)

KEITH:  “Up, up and away”?

BENNETT:  He was referring to the national deficit, I’m sure.

Whoa, Mr. President! I'm only supposed to kiss your butt!!!

(From the office of Dr. Maria Weinstein, LPCMH in Buckhead, GA on 9/7/09.  This is a transcript from her first session with Horace and Katy Greenleaf, a married couple in their mid-30s.)

WEINSTEIN:  I’d like to thank you two for coming here today.  I know that seeking outside help for your marriage is never easy.

HORACE:  It was my wife’s idea, not mine.

KATY:  Horace doesn’t think we have problems.  Never has!

WEINSTEIN:  Would you like to tell me what you think the problems are in your marriage, Katy?

KATY:  Horace is never there for me anymore!  He doesn’t listen to a word I say, doesn’t lift a finger to help out around the house, is barely a father to our kids…the list is endless!  I’m working fulltime; I do all the cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping…

HORACE:  Hey.  Who mows the lawn?

KATY:  That’s once a week!

HORACE:  I take out the trash.  That’s twice a week.  Don’t forget that.

KATY:  I take the kids to their sports practices, Brownies, music lessons.  I’m exhausted!  And don’t even get me started on his lack of sex drive these days!!

WEINSTEIN:  Okay.  Now Horace, how do you feel about what Katy just said?

(Get ready for it…)

HORACE:  Well…

(The funeral director’s ears are ringing down the street…)

HORACE:  For the last couple years it seems as if my wife is PMSing around the clock.  And when she does PMS she likes to bitch and moan about nothin’ and pick fights with me.  And what I don’t understand is this…when she is PMSing, why doesn’t she just realize that her hormones are out of whack and just shut the hell up?!?!

(Horace Greenleaf was found extremely dead the evening of 9/7/09 hung upside down by his intestines from an oak tree not too far from Dr. Weinstein’s office.  It appeared as if he had been skinned alive and his genitals had been shoved in his mouth.  Katy pointed out to the police that there was plenty of room left in her husband’s mouth.  Neither Katy nor Dr. Weinstein are under suspicion but the police did find it coincidental that Dr. Weinstein hired a cleaning service the afternoon of 9/7/09.  Horace was buried three days later.  Needless to say, it was a closed casket.)