A typical American family on a typical weekday morning in 1960.  It is 8:30am.  All four have just finished a breakfast of eggs, bacon and toast.

 

MOM:  Have a great day at work, dear.

DAD:  Thanks, hon.  (Takes one last sip of coffee.)  I should be home by 5:30.

MOM:  I’ll have supper ready. 

SON/DAUGHTER:  We’re off to school!  Have a good day, Mom!  Dad!

MOM:  I love all of you.  Can’t wait to hear about your days around the dinner table!

 

A typical American family on a typical weekday morning in 1985.  It is 8:00am.  The kids ate their Flintstone vitamins and grabbed Pop-Tarts as they make their way out the door.

 

SON/DAUGHTER:  Bye, Mom!  Dad!

MOM:  I’ll be home from work around 6:00.

DAD:  I should be home around 6:30.  (He takes his daily multivitamin.)

MOM:  I’m thinking leftovers.  (She takes her daily multivitamin.)

DAD:  Sounds good! 

SON/DAUGHTER:  We have practice after school but should be home by 5ish.

MOM:  Great!  See you all tonight.

 

A typical American family on a typical weekday morning in 2010.  It is 7:00am. 

 

DAD:  I’m running late!  With traffic it’s going to take me an hour fifteen to get in!

MOM:  Same here.  Did you take your multivitamin?

DAD:  Yeah.  Did you take your blood pressure medication?

MOM:  Got my Cozaar right here.  And I need to take my daily aspirin. 

DAD:  Where’s my Lipitor?  Has anyone seen it?

DAUGHTER:  Should be right next to my Lexapro.

MOM:  I thought it was next to my Prozac?  Did someone move my flaxseed oil pills?

SON:  I need a refill on my Adderall.  I noticed I wasn’t able to concentrate as well in class yesterday.

MOM:  Someone needs to pick up some Claritin D.  Why don’t you grab some, dear, when you get your Viagra prescription refilled?

DAD:  I’m not sure if the Viagra has been working, honey.  The Koro I’m taking for my Genital Retraction Syndrome may be canceling it out.  I don’t know.  Anyone seen my Xanax?

MOM:  Can you hand me that bottle of Mirapex?  That’s for my Restless Leg Syndrome.

DAUGHTER:  Can someone hand me my bottle of Acnepril?  Ugh!  Get your sinus rinse tube out of my face!

SON (as he’s popping pills in his mouth):  Sorry.  Can you hand me my Advair? 

MOM:  Here’s your Propecia, dear.  And your Climinax.  One pill a day, right?

DAD:  Yep.

SON:  Has that really helped with your premature ejaculation, Dad?

MOM:  Let’s make that two pills, dear.

DAUGHTER:  Here are your iron supplement pills, Mom.  They look just like my breast enhancement pills.  And what is Plavix?

MOM:  My blood thinner pills.

DAUGHTER:  Why do you take that?

MOM:  It offsets the daily Vitamin K I take that thickens my blood.

DAUGHTER:  Uh…then wouldn’t logic dictate that you stop tak—

SON:  Hey!  Where are my exploding head pills?

DAD (as he’s popping pills in his mouth):  Climinax is right here, son.

SON (points to his head):  No, for my Exploding Head Syndrome, you know, how I hear loud sounds in this head as I’m going to sleep.

DAUGHTER (as she’s popping pills in her mouth):  Mom, can I switch to Lorazepam?  Cindy switched to it last week and she is noticeably less anxious.

MOM (as she’s popping pills in her mouth):  Not sure if our insurance would cover that, dear.  Who has my Melancor? 

SON:  Mom?  Dad?  I’ve been thinking.  Do we really need to take all of these drugs?  Are our lives really better with all of this medication?  Or are we all just mindless puppets succumbing to the pressures of Big Pharma and their unimaginative lapdogs who just so happen to be our family doctors? 

(The other three stare at SON for a moment…possibly considering what he just said…when they continue to pop their pills and down them with water.)

DAD:  Maybe hold off on his Adderall and switch him back to Ritalin.  Seems way too incoherent this morning.

MOM:  Listen, I’ve got to run.  Take-out again tonight?

From the unpublished children’s book, Look Dick, Look Jane, See Sally by Flex Malarky of West Chester, PA:

 

See Dick.

See Jane.

See Dick and Jane hold hands.  Dick and Jane like each other.  Dick and Jane enjoy each other’s company.  Dick and Jane are friends.

See Dick say, “Jane is my friend.”

See Jane say, “Dick is my friend.”

See Dick and Jane be happy.  See Dick hold Jane.  Sometimes, Jane likes to hold Dick.

See Dick and Jane talk to each other every night on the phone.  They Tweet one another.  See Dick say, “I like to Tweet my sweet.”

See Jane say, “I like sweet Tweets.”

See Dick fall in love with Jane.  See Dick say, “I love you, Jane.”

See Jane say, “This is all happening too fast.  I need more space.”

See Jane explain how she needs Dick out of her face.

See Dick give Jane more space.  See Dick spend more time with the guys at the bar.  See Dick call Jane less.  See Jane miss Dick.  See Jane want to see more of Dick.

See Jane want more Dick.

See Jane call Dick and say, “Dick, we need to talk.”

See Dick say, “Something wrong?  I’m giving you the space you asked for.”

See Jane say, “Dick, I’m confused.  I think I’m in love with you.  I don’t know.  I care about you so much and I’ve missed you lately.”

See Dick say, “What are you trying to convey to me here, Jane?”

See Jane say, “Nothing, Dick.  Never mind.  Forget I even called.”

See Dick and Jane hang up.  See Dick and Jane become angry. 

See Jane.  See Jane cry. 

See Jane say, “Why is it so hard for me to admit that I love Dick?”

See Jane think.  See Jane throw open her apartment window and scream, “I love Dick!”

See her neighbors standing on the street below.  See them mutter, “We know, Jane.  We know you love Dick.”

See Dick.

See Jane.

See Dick and Jane walking in the park.  It is Saturday, and the two went to the park to take a walk by themselves.  See Dick and Jane bump into one another.

See Dick say, “Hi, Jane.”

See Jane say, “Hello, Dick.”

See Dick and Jane look into each other’s eyes.  See Dick and Jane laugh.  See Jane say, “Dick, I’m so sorry.  I was falling in love with you and I was trying to control my feelings.”

See Dick say, “But why?”

See Jane say, “Because I thought you didn’t care about me.”

See Dick laugh.  See Dick say, “You’ve got to be kidding!  I was the one falling in love with you and you were the one who didn’t care!”

See Jane say, “I want things to work out, Dick. I love you and I’m willing to take a chance on getting hurt.”

See Dick laugh.  Laugh, Dick, laugh.  See Dick say, “That’s all fine and dandy, Jane, but I’m not in love with you anymore.”

See Jane say, “What?”

See Dick say, “You blew it, babe.”

Look Dick, look Jane, see Sally.

See Dick wrap his arm around Sally’s tight waist.  See Dick say, “Jane, I’d like you to meet Sally.  Sally, this is Jane.”

See Jane say, “But I love Dick!”

See Sally say, “I love Dick even more.”

See Jane say, “You suck, Dick.”

See Dick and Sally walk away.  See Jane kick a rock. 

See Jane say, “Ooh!  I hate Dick!  No more Dick for me!”

And the moral of the story is:  Because Jane reacted with her mind and not her heart, she ain’t getting Dick!

(We see JACK and FRED sitting on two chairs in a cold, dimly lit room.  JACK is calm while he smokes a cigarette.  FRED is panicking as he stands and paces.)

 

FRED:  Oh God!  Oh my God!  I don’t wanna die!

JACK:  Calm down.

FRED:  Calm down?  Why should I calm down?  We’re on death row!  Not row row row your boat!  Thee death row!

JACK:  So I’ve heard.

FRED:  In minutes we’ll be injected with something that will kill us forever!

JACK:  Really?  I thought it was only for an hour or two.  Relax.  What are you getting axed for?

FRED:  That’s just it!  I didn’t even know it was a crime until they arrested me.  They got me for something called OBP.  Obnoxious Bragging Parent.  Judge said I talk about my children way too much.  Says they may be special to me but not to the rest of the world.  I refuse to believe that.

JACK:  So you’re one of those parents.  Need to brag to all your co-workers that Davey is on the little league team and Debbie is first chair violinist, huh?

FRED:  Actually, their names are Frieda and Fred, Jr. and they’re both fantastic soccer players!  Here, let me show you their pictures on their Facebook accounts.  I have my Blackberry right here.

JACK:  Here’s what you don’t understand, friend.  No one gives a shit.

FRED:  That’s what the judge said.  He said over the years I’ve wasted hours of polite friends’ and co-workers’ time so I deserve an excruciatingly painful death.  He wanted to have me sit with an ice pick and watch Real American Stories hosted by Sarah Palin on Fox News until I punctured my own eardrums and bled to death…but my lawyer got him to agree to have me lethally injected instead.  Imagine my joy when I heard the good news.  Why are you here?

JACK:  Shoulder lane driving.  Been caught too many times on the shoulder lane of highways.

FRED:  Ooh!  I hate when people do that! 

JACK:  What’s the big deal?

FRED:  Why should you be so privileged to blow by the traffic jam when everyone else properly…

JACK:  Properly what?  Sits in traffic?  If everyone was properly doing 65 mph and paying attention to the road while they drive, there wouldn’t be as many traffic jams!  Some idiot always has to get into an accident while I’m my way home from work!  The nerve!  Then every wide-eyed dope has to slow down to check out the wreck.

FRED:  I slow down.

JACK:  If people would mind their own business and drive the speed limit, we wouldn’t have traffic jams, I wouldn’t have to drive on the shoulder lane and I wouldn’t be on death row today.

(DEBBIE enters.)

DEBBIE:  Hi.

FRED:  What are you here for?

DEBBIE:  Nagging my husband.

JACK:  Serves you right.

DEBBIE:  Judge said I was a nuisance and I should be shot by a firing squad.

FRED:  What a cruel judge.

DEBBIE:  He’s my husband.  This is going to crush my family.  Just last week my sister was put to death for believing that American Idol is actually good this year.  And my grandfather was executed last year.  You know those express lanes at supermarkets?

FRED:  Your grandfather was executed for having more than 15 items in the express lane?

DEBBIE:  No.  He was executed for bitching and moaning about people having more than 15 items in the express lane…but not to the customer or the store manager.  Just standing there in line, bitching and moaning to himself.  Judge said he was being put to death for being cliché.

FRED:  My father was executed for snoring.  My mother was so happy that she spent the next two days on the phone, telling her friends.  She was then arrested and put to death for still not having call-waiting.

JACK:  My neighbor is being executed for having no life.  Ironic, huh?

DEBBIE:  What do you mean?

JACK:  He pre-ordered an Apple iPad weeks ago and still stood in line overnight this past weekend at the store to buy the very thing he had already pre-ordered!  He’s being beheaded then shot.

FRED:  Hey, can I show you my kids’ Facebook pages?

DEBBIE:  I don’t give a shit about your kids.

(WENDY enters.)

WENDY:  Hi.

ALL:  Hi.

FRED:  What are you here for?

WENDY:  I was walking my dog, okay?  He does a doody on the neighbors’ lawn, right?  No big deal.  I guess because I left it there, my dog and I were arrested and I’m told I’m getting put to death!

FRED:  What about your dog?

WENDY:  He was blindfolded, given a cigarette and shot.

‘Twas a Saturday night,

And I was driving my Chevy truck,

Speeding through some red lights

And just not giving a darn.

 

Had a fight with my woman,

Said some things I’d later regret,

She threw me outta the house

After I kicked in the TV set.

 

Grabbed a six-pack of beer

And downed them as I sped,

Didn’t care where I turned,

Didn’t care where the road led.

 

Figured I’d get stopped by a cop,

Or crash into a tree,

But what happened next

Was almost downright silly.

 

I saw someone cross the street,

Tried to stop but it was too slick,

Felt the bump under my wheels,

Felt sick to my stomach.

 

I darted out of my truck,

Started to laugh cause it was funny,

That someone I had run over?

None other than the Easter Bunny!

 

He was about three feet long,

And dressed in a tailored suit,

Saw the nearby basket of dyed eggs,

I would’ve said he was even cute.

 

But there was a lot of blood,

And a decent amount of smashed eggs,

And I couldn’t help but notice my tire tracks,

Embedded across his legs.

 

“What the darn?” he cried,

“You were going 100, for goodness sakes!

Didn’t you see me in your headlights?

Couldn’t you have slammed on your brakes?!”

 

“Sorry,” I said,

And I did feel pretty bad.

He looked pretty pathetic lying there,

It made me a little sad.

 

I had run over the Easter Bunny,

I couldn’t believe my bad luck,

I couldn’t help but think to myself,

“What the darn?”

 

I thought of all the little children,

Who would have no eggs to hide this Easter,

No jelly beans, no marshmallow chicks,

No coconut eggs to add fat to their keister.

 

The poor little children,

Who would have no chocolate bunnies, I figure,

Or Cadbury eggs, or peanut butter patties,

Or those speckled robin egg thingamajiggers.

 

No hyper children this Easter,

No rotting teeth, not even one cavity,

When a light bulb appeared above my head,

To let the Easter Bunny live would be a travesty!

 

As he tried to crawl off the road,

I said, “Are you happy with what you do?

Hiding kids’ eggs is one thing,

But your days of adding to their obesity are through!”

 

I looked up and down the highway,

No approaching headlights but I had little time,

I had to do what I had to do,

And no witnesses to this horrific crime.

 

I took out my Bowie knife,

The rabbit, horrified, wondered what I would do,

One quick slice, actually had to do it twice,

Figured it would look nice hung by my rearview.

 

The Easter Bunny screamed bloody murder,

He cried, “You are one sick bastard!”

What could I do?  What could I say?

I do these kinds of things when I’m plastered.

 

Then I hopped back in my truck,

And sped back and forth over the Easter Bunny,

The corners of my mouth crept upward into a smile,

I couldn’t help but laugh cause it was funny!

 

I did feel like a hero,

Saving our children from obesity and teeth rot,

I imagined millions of parents thanking me

For saving the health of their tot.

 

But as I drove home I began to think,

What if what I did was a shame?

What if it’s the parents’ fault kids today are a mess?

What if the parents are to blame?

 

I shrugged as I downed another beer,

And sped through another red light in my truck,

I looked at my new bloody good luck charm (still warm),

And just thought to myself, “What the darn?”

 

 

HAPPY EASTER!

On a dare from his drunken buddies, Steve Maycock of Wallingford, CT undergoes plastic surgery to have his face replaced with his ass.  When he awoke the next morning and realized that the operation was irreversible, Steve Maycock became ASS-MAN, the Man Who Literally Talks Out His Ass.

 

THIS WEEK’S EPISODE:  ASS-MAN VS. OBAMACARE

(We see Ass-Man standing in downtown Washington, D.C. with his trusty sidekick, Sphincter Boy, on March 21, 2010.  Both are waving mini-American flags.)

ASS-MAN:  Well, here we are, Sphincter Boy.  In the heart of pure evil and corruption…our nation’s capital.

SPHINCTER BOY:  You speak as though this were a sad day, Ass-Man.

ASS-MAN:  It is, my young flatulent one!  As we stand here, our elected representatives are voting to transform our healthcare into a socialist nightmare!

SPHINCTER BOY:  Nonsense, Ass-Man!

ASS-MAN:  Listen to me!  I think we can agree that we need healthcare reform.  But just look at this bill!  Not only will it cost us more money in taxes, the quality of our healthcare will greatly decrease!  It doesn’t take anything more than common sense to understand that if we cover 30 million more people without adding more providers, the quality of our care will diminish and care will be rationed! 

SPHINCTER-BOY:  You’re watching way too much Fox News.

ASS-MAN:  Just look at Canada and England.  Why do so many people from around the world come to the US for healthcare?  Because they don’t have to wait months for treatment!  Many doctors will leave the profession if they decrease Medicare payments.  What about our seniors who’ve been paying into the system for years only to find out that when they need it most, their care will be cut? 

SPHINCTER BOY:  I’m beginning to wonder why I ever agreed to be your sidekick.  You and I really have never had much in common.  I can see that now.  And I know you agree.  I can see it in the line of your face.

ASS-MAN:  Why not cut out the fraud and waste in Medicare?  Why not increase competition with health insurance?  Let people purchase whichever insurance they want, even if it means crossing state lines.  Isn’t that what capitalism is all about?  All Obama and the Democrats want is a government takeover of our healthcare!

SPHINCTER BOY:  According to FactCheck.org, Ass-Man, Republicans and conservative groups have continued to claim that the bill institutes a system like the one in the United Kingdom, or Canada, or otherwise amounts to a government takeover.  It doesn’t.  The fact is that the federal health insurance plan (a.k.a. the “public option”) is now gone from the bill.  A pure government-run system was never among the leading Democratic proposals, much to the chagrin of single-payer advocates.  Instead, the bill builds on our current system of private insurance, and in fact, drums up more business for private companies by mandating that individuals buy coverage and giving many subsidies to do so. There would be increased government regulation of the insurance industry, however, to require companies to cover preexisting conditions, for example.

ASS-MAN:  Good luck getting your weekly appointment with your proctologist, Sphincter Boy!  You won’t be able to see a doctor since all the lousy, freeloading, tax-evading immigrants will now be given free coverage under our new government run healthcare!!! 

PEDESTRIAN (to Sphincter Boy):  Hey pal.  You may want to tell your buddy here he’s talking out his ass.

 

TUNE IN NEXT WEEK FOR ANOTHER EXCITING EPISODE OF “THE ADVENTURES OF ASS-MAN” WHEN ASS-MAN SAYS:

 

ASS-MAN:  What’s that?  My premium is going down 3%?  Hmmm…would my new coverage pay for tanning salon visits?  I need a little color in my cheeks.

Poor Pat Flanagan was found dead on his barstool in Murphy’s Pub.  Shortly, his friends laid him in a box, nailed it shut and started down the hill into the churchyard.

 

“Poor Paddy,” sniffed Michael O’Shea.  “The good Lord took ‘im well before his time.”

 

“Poor Paddy?” griped Liam Murray.  “Poor us!  That bastard were to buy the next round!”

 

“Ye know,” said Billy MacGowen.  “There are good ships and there are wood ships, ships that sail the sea.  But the best ships are friendships, and may they always be!”

 

“Well said,” said Aidan.  “I’ll miss yeh, Pat!  You were like a brutha t’me!”

 

“Ya feckin’ eejit,” said Michael.  “He were yeh brutha!”

 

“Aye,” sniffed Aidan Flanagan.  “That he were.”

 

As it was a long, sloping path and the mourners were appropriately tipsy, one of the men lurched into the gatepost as they entered the graveyard.  Suddenly a loud knocking came from in the box. Paddy was alive!  They opened the box up and he sat up, wide eyed, and said, “Oo ‘ere stole me pint o’ ale, y’bastards?”

 

The others looked at one another and cried, “It’s a miracle of God!”  They all rejoiced by going back to Murphy’s Pub and downing some more pints.  But later that day, the poor lad died again.  

 

“Bastard still never bought a round!” griped Liam.

 

They bundled him back into his box and made their way down the hill once again.  As before, one of the lads bumped into the gatepost as they entered the graveyard.  Paddy sat up in the coffin with glass in hand and cried, “Oo ‘ere made me spill me pint o’ ale?”  Once again, there was much rejoicing as they all headed back to Murphy’s Pub for more liver damage.  And once again, hours later, Paddy died.  Really died.  Stone cold, Irish scone dead.

 

“And ‘ere I am holding the tab, the lousy welsher,” griped Liam.

 

They bundled him back into his box, and as they huffed and puffed down the hill the next morning, Liam commanded his fellow bearers to start running straight for the gatepost.  “This time,” he griped, “we’ll make sure the bastard buys the first round before he meets his maker fer good!!”

 

HAPPY ST. PATRICK’S DAY!

(SCENE:  We see ETHEL JENKINS, a lovely 80-some woman, standing before ST. PETER at the Pearly Gates.  Yes, Ethel is very much recently deceased.)

 

PETER:  Next!

ETHEL:  Hello.  My goodness!  Am I…dead?  Is this Heaven?

PETER:  I’m afraid you are dead, Ethel Jenkins.  But you should not be afraid; for I have your Life File right here with me and it looks like you have led a good Catholic life, Ethel.  Let’s have a quick review and then your soul shall be admitted to Heaven for all of eternity.

ETHEL:  That would be wonderful!

PETER:  Says here you were born on April 23, 1924.  You went to St. Mary’s Elementary School, and Sts. Simon & Peter High School…both in New York.

ETHEL:  I loved Catholic School.  It’s where I learned how much better the public school was across the street.

PETER:  You married Henry Jenkins in 1945 when he returned home from World War II.  You had three children who also attended Catholic school.

ETHEL:  I figured, “Why should I be the only one to have had so much fun?”

PETER:  You have seven grandchildren.  You were a loving wife, mother and grandmother.  You spent your life helping out various charities, feeding the poor on holidays and weekends, sacrificing much of your time to your local parish. 

ETHEL:  I tried my best to lead a good, decent life.

PETER:  Hmmm…this isn’t good.  Oh my, look at this.

ETHEL:  What is it?  What’s wrong?

PETER:  Ethel… you have led an admirable life, but I’m afraid we can’t let you in.

ETHEL:  Why not?

PETER:  I didn’t realize that you ate meat on Fridays during Lent.  17 times!

ETHEL:  So?

PETER:  That’s a no-no, Ethel.  No meat on Fridays during Lent.  You obviously have an issue following the rules.  We can’t have that kind of rebelliousness here in Heaven.  It’s why Lucifer was kicked out in the first place!

ETHEL:  Because he ate meat on a Friday during Lent?

PETER:  He also refused to pay his bar tab.  Remember that year you gave up candy for Lent?  Here’s a photo of you hiding a box of Milk Duds in your night stand!  And what’s this?  Remember when you went to confession when you were 8-years-old when Father Sherlock gave you a penance of 10 Our Father’s and 10 Hail Mary’s?  You only said seven of each!  Seven!  And on November 6, 1955, you ate a jelly donut within one hour of receiving Holy Communion!  Sorry, Ethel.  Follow me, please.  I’ll take you to the escalator going down.

ETHEL:  Oh, like everyone here always followed rules?  Like Jesus followed the rules when he turned that water into wine at that wedding?  What was that all about?

PETER:  We were out of wine.  It was a Sunday.  The state stores were closed!

ETHEL:  So much for faith, huh?  I guess everyone at that wedding became believers because Jesus decided to pull a David Copperfield! 

PETER:  Actually, I think most became alcoholics. 

ETHEL:  Or what happened when Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead?  That was following the rules?  Or when He went berserk in the temple?

PETER:  Yeah, that was a bad day.  But He was trying to prove a point…oh, hey Jesus!  How are ya, buddy?

JESUS:  Not bad, Pete!  Just finished my morning spin class and thought I’d stop by the admissions booth.

ETHEL:  Wow!  You’re Jesus?  You’re a lot shorter than I thought you’d be.

JESUS:  The average height 2,000 years ago was only five feet.  What can I tell ya?

ETHEL:  Didn’t picture you as a blonde, either.  Nice hair.

JESUS:  That’s just from being closer to the sun for the last two millenniums.  And……….maybe a little Sun-In.  (All three laugh.)  Seriously, Ethel, you will be missed on Earth.  Heaven is very happy to have you here.

PETER:  But she broke so many rules, m’Lord!

JESUS:  What rules?  No meat on Fridays during Lent?  Not eating within one hour of receiving Holy Communion?  You gonna tell me she didn’t get churched after the birth of one of her kids?  Tell me when I actually took the time to come up with that crap?  I believe I was busy trying to teach mankind to treat one another with kindness and respect…which is exactly how Ethel Jenkins here led her life! 

ETHEL:  Thank you.

JESUS:  You’re welcome.  C’mon in.  (He opens the Pearly Gates.  As Ethel walks in, JESUS hands her something.) 

ETHEL:  What’s this?

JESUS (whispers):  A never-ending box of Milk Duds.  Shhh…it’s our little secret…

We see TIGER WOODS and his ATTORNEY, standing behind a podium at Tiger Woods’ home.  Here’s what REALLY happened at the so-called Tiger Woods press conference on 2/19/10:

 

ATTORNEY: Good morning, ladies and gentlemen.  Mr. Woods is here to make a quick, sincere statement then he has to return to sex rehab where he shares a wing with other women who are addicted to sex.  There will be no need for questions because you will all see just how sincere and remorseful Mr. Woods is.  Tiger?

TIGER: Thanks.  Good morning, everybody.  I’m here today to apologize to my wife for cheating on her with 3 women…

TIGER’S ANGRY MOM IN THE AUDIENCE: 18 women!

TIGER: …give or take a few.  Elin…if you’re watching?  I’m sorry.  My bad.  I would also like to apologize to my sponsors.  Sorry, everybody!  To my fellow golfers on the PGA Tour…I’m sorry.  Mind if I take a Mulligan?  Heh, heh.  Hey, who’s that walking up here to the podium?  Mark McGwire?

MARK McGWIRE: Hey, Tiger!  I just wanted to reiterate how sorry I am for taking steroids all those years while I played baseball.  I’m sorry for taking them and having them help me make millions of dollars and breaking the all-time, single season homerun record.  Talk about an asterisk for the asshole, huh?  Anyway, I’m sorry.

TIGER: No problem, Mark.  Hey, is that Donte Stallworth?

STALLWORTH: Hey, Tiger.  Hey, Mark.  I just thought I’d stop by and once again apologize for my drunk driving accident that killed an innocent man.

TIGER: How much jail time did ya get for that, Donte?

STALLWORTH: None!  I just apologized and paid the family a few million to drop the lawsuit.  Sort of the guy’s fault for walking across the street while I was driving drunk.  Anyway, the NFL suspended me for a whole year without pay!  Boy, was I sorry! 

McGWIRE: I hear the Baltimore Ravens signed you.

STALLWORTH: Yep!  It sure helps to say you’re sorry!

MICHAEL VICK: You’re telling me!

ALL: Michael Vick!

VICK: I’d like to let everyone know how sorry I am I got caught killing those dogs.

TIGER: You mean you’re sorry for killing those dogs, right?

VICK: Yeah.  What’d I say?

PLAXICO BURRESS: Hey, guys!  I couldn’t help but join the party!  I’m sorry for carrying a gun in New York City and accidentally shooting it in my pants.  I guess the wrong gun went off, huh?

ELI MANNING: Trust me, Plaxico!  I’m even more sorry that you did that!  I’ve been a sorry excuse of a quarterback since you went to the slammer!

PLAXICO: Speaking of which…how the hell did I go to jail for 2 years for shooting a gun by accident and Donte Stallworth kills a guy and only gets a one year suspension from the NFL?

STALLWORTH: I guess you’re sorry you didn’t have my lawyer.

PLAXICO: I am sorry.

GILBERT ARENAS: Hey, it’s me, Gilbert Arenas from the Washington Wizards.

TIGER: Who are they?

ARENAS: NBA team.  I know, I know…I don’t watch it anymore either.  Anyhoo, I’m the guy who pulled a gun in the locker room last month.  I just wanted to say how sorry I am I did that.  Sorry.

VICK: Hey!  It’s my fellow Philadelphia Eagle, Donovan McNabb!  What are you doing here, buddy?

McNABB: I just wanted to say I’m sorry for not being able to throw an accurate pass. 

BRETT FAVRE: And I’d like to say I’m sorry for being such a prima donna.  Actually, I’m not sorry!  I’m Brett Favre and you will wait. 

McNABB: And what the heck is Plaxico Burress doing here?  Shouldn’t you be in jail?

(We hear police sirens off in the distance)

PLAXICO: Sorry, but I gotta run!  (PLAXICO dives out the window.)

TIGER: Well, look at that!  It’s Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens!  It’s about time you guys showed up!

BONDS/CLEMENS: What are you talking about?  We have nothing to apologize for!

(Dead silence.  We hear a cricket off in the distance.  BONDS and CLEMENS suddenly can’t hold back the laughter and they both seriously crack up.  The other athletes and the few members of the media erupt in laughter.  FREEZE SCENE and roll end credits.  While everyone is frozen, TIGER sneaks out to get back to sex rehab where he doesn’t get much sleep.  Meanwhile, one of the rolling credits bumps McNABB.  McNABB unfreezes and punches the credit.  It’s the first time he’s hit a moving target in months.)

"Sorry, honey! My bad!"

• A lifeguard wearing floaties around his arms?
• An orthodontist whose mouth and teeth resemble Gomer Pyle’s?
• A dermatologist plagued with golf ball sized pimples, blackheads, Psoriasis and dandruff?
• A proctologist with long fingernails?
• A marriage counselor who, during your first session with him, receives a phone call from his divorce lawyer?
• An accountant who chuckles as he reviews your W-2’s?
• A daycare instructor whose favorite movie is Patton?
• A psychiatrist whose desk is covered with photographs of his mother?
• A boyfriend who says, “Women may be able to fake orgasms…but men can fake entire relationships”?
• A girlfriend who says, “The last thing I want to do is hurt you…but it’s still on the list”?
• Anyone who says to you, “You’re so funny” after everything you say?  And they’re not even laughing as they say it??
• A movie critic who says, “Any movie starring Ben Affleck is a must-see?”
• A parent who says, “This will hurt you more than it hurts me.  No, wait…I think I got that backwards”?
• A male nurse who says, “Turn your head and cough” more than once?
• A co-worker who greets you each morning with “So…you’re still here, huh?”?
• A jeweler who, after you point out the ring you’d like to purchase for your loved one, replies, “Really?  Are you serious?”?
• An accountant who leaves his office for the day and returns to house arrest?
• A proctologist who says, “If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong”?
• An OB/GYN who doesn’t know what OB/GYN means?
• Your A.A. counselor, when asked how long he has been sober, replies, “What time is it?”?
• A writer who writes nothing but crap for his stupid blog each and every week and finds that he’s the only one laughing when he reads it??

 

 

The latest in Valentine’s Day cards for those men out there who need some help in expressing their romantic feelings.  From The Stupid Cupid Card Company:

 

For the married man

COVER: Honey, you are without a doubt the love of my life!

INSIDE: Too bad I’m still married to my wife. 

 

COVER: Valentine’s Day is for expressing affection, I’ve always said…

INSIDE: And you and I have that special connection, ‘specially in bed!

 

COVER: This feels so good, this feels so right…

INSIDE: …I just wish it didn’t cost me $200 a night!

 

For the married man over 40

COVER: For Valentine’s Day I want to take you to the Falls of Niagra!

INSIDE: And while we’re there, let’s have some fun with Viagra!

 

COVER: Roses are red, daffodils are yellow, you make my heart jiggle like Jell-O!

INSIDE: But tonight I’d like to see a part of you do some jiggling, honey!  And I ain’t talking about your thighs or your heart!

 

For the soon-to-be-divorced man

COVER: On Valentine’s Day I’m thinking of all the special ways you have made my life better…

INSIDE: …and I can’t come up with any.  What’s for dinner?

 

For the math teacher

COVER: For this Valentine’s Day, sweetheart, I’m thinking engagement…

INSIDE: I’d like to engage in a little square root of 4,761!  Happy Valentine’s Day!

 

For the archaeologist

COVER: Happy Valentine’s Day, honey!  I have a bone to pick with you!

INSIDE: (this is a pop-up card…you get the picture)

 

For the politician

COVER: Thanks for sticking with me, dear wife, through the lies, affairs, illegitimate children, raunchy sex tapes, acts of homosexuality and STD’s I unknowingly passed on to you.  The worst is behind us!

INSIDE: And just so you know, that sheep and I are just friends, nothing more. 

 

For the astronomer

COVER: To my fellow female astronomer…with you I’d like to discover new stars and planets!

INSIDE: But I wouldn’t mind starting with the exploration of Uranus!   

 

HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!