From the Brennan household in Phoenixville, PA.  Mom, Dad, 12-year-old Billy and 10-year-old Stacy have sat down to watch some World Cup soccer between the countries of Berzerkistan and the Republic of Caca:

DAD:  OK, Brennans!  Let’s watch some world cup soccer!

STACY:  Especially since it’s only played every four years.

BILLY:  I can’t wait to watch this exciting, action-packed semi-final game between Caca and Berzerkistan!

MOM:  What a shame the U.S. couldn’t make it this far!  Too bad they lost that electrifying game to Ghana where they scored one goal in 120 minutes of playing time!

ANNOUNCER:  What an exciting game we have for you here today!  Berzerkistan defeated Spain in the quarterfinals, 0-0 and then 2-1 in penalty kicks.  The Republic of Caca overwhelmingly defeated Germany in their quarterfinal matchup, 0-0, and then 3-2 in penalty kicks!  We’re expecting another high scoring affair between these two talented teams.  Expect a final score of at least 1-0 here today in South Africa.  And here we go!

(One hour later…)

BILLY:  Wow, 0-0 at the half.  How thrilling!

STACY:  I love how they kick the ball all over the field and once in awhile they actually take a shot at the goal itself!

DAD:  Riveting!

MOM:  I wish you two played soccer instead of your boring lacrosse and softball games. 

ANNOUNCER:  What an exciting first half!  In 45 minutes, Berzerkistan had two shots on goal and Caca had one.  Ladies and gentlemen, you are seeing some of the world’s finest athletes in action here today!

(And another hour after that…)

ANNOUNCER:  And it looks like we are going to overtime, tied at zero!

BILLY:  I really thought Caca would have scored on their third shot on goal of the game.

DAD:  It’s just excellent defense, Billy.  These soccer players are the best athletes in the world.  No one else knows how to run up and down the field like that, kicking the ball every which way but at the opposing team’s goaltender.

STACY:  I love how the players lose the soccer ball then fall to the ground even though no one is near them.

MOM:  They’re trying to draw a penalty, dear, so that they can get a penalty kick.  It’s the only way they seem to score goals.

BILLY:  But this is soooo exciting!  0-0 after playing for over 90 straight minutes!  What talent!!!

(And another 45 minutes after that…)

ANNOUNCER:  So after the 120 minutes of non-stop action and the penalty kicks, Berzerkistan has defeated Caca, 0-0 and 2-1 on penalty kicks! 

DAD:  My God what an exhilarating sport!

MOM:  I just don’t understand why it’s not more popular here in America!

BILLY:  I want to grow up to be a Berzerkistanian soccer player, Dad!  Getting paid all that money to average one goal every 17 games!!!  I can do it, Dad!  I know I can!!!

DAD:  You keep dreaming, son!  But let me tell you, no one in the world knows how to run around that field for 90 minutes and not score a goal like these athletes!  They’re the best in the world!

WORLD CUP SOCCER!  WHERE THE BEST ATHLETES IN THE WORLD RUN ALL OVER THE FIELD FOR 90 MINUTES! WATCH IT NOW OR YOU’LL HAVE TO WAIT ANOTHER FOUR YEARS!

With the Fourth of July weekend approaching, it seemed an appropriate time to take a look at some quotes by one of America’s most celebrated presidents, Thomas Jefferson.  The nation’s third president seemed to have an uncanny glimpse at the future.  Take a look…

When we get piled upon one another in large cities, as in Europe, we shall become as corrupt as Europe.
Thomas Jefferson   

The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who would not. 

Thomas Jefferson

It is incumbent on every generation to pay its own debts as it goes. A principle which if acted on would save one-half the wars of the world. 

Thomas Jefferson   

I predict future happiness for Americans if they can prevent the government from wasting the labors of the people under the pretense of taking care of them. 

Thomas Jefferson       

My reading of history convinces me that most bad government results from too much government.

Thomas Jefferson   

Any future U.S. president who spends his days writing speeches for the masses rather than actual governing, will be perceived as pompous and aloof.  Americans don’t want empty words from their president, they want action and results.

Thomas Jefferson

Someday there will be an actor, a short actor, no more than 5’3”, who will have big teeth and nice hair, and he will be a popular actor among the masses, but one day he will start jumping on couches and talk of worshipping aliens from another planet, and his popularity will sink like Aaron Burr’s after his duel with Hamilton.

Thomas Jefferson

In the future I see Americans being able to communicate with one another with something called an internet.  Some future American vice-president will claim that he invented this internet.  This vice-president will be perceived as an arrogant jackass.  Anyhoo, this internet will be seen as a godsend until another jackass invents something called Facebook which will bring down Americans’ work production level as well as their I.Q.

Thomas Jefferson

I see many angry people in our beloved city of Philadelphia.  They will be angry at a very fat man and an aloof athlete.  These two individuals will have something to do with a sport Americans will call “football”…even though the rest of the world will call another sport “football” and we’ll call it soccer…don’t ask.  Anyways, back to my prediction…these angry Philadelphians will be very upset at the aloof athlete and fat man because they will play many many games of this “football” and they won’t win any championships…but the fat man and aloof athlete will act like they’re the greatest thing since the internet and won’t understand that all the Philadelphians want is a friggin’ championship!  Or better yet, how about an athlete who knows how to throw a friggin’ football to his friggin’ wide receivers??  Is that too much to ask?  But I see things getting better once the fat man trades the aloof athlete to Washington.  No, really.  To Washington?  Within your own division?  Are you kidding me??

Thomas Jefferson

WHEN…

you look at yourself naked in a full length mirror and there are no words to describe the shape you’re in.

you can’t read the number on the scale ‘cause your stomach’s in the weigh!  Er, way!

you need a breather after 3 sit-ups.

last year’s bathing suit fits you like a rubber band.

your favorite spot on the couch is six inches lower than the rest of the sofa.

you live for the drive-thru because you can’t bear to actually have to get out of the car, walk into the restaurant, spend time standing in line…

you notice they don’t make towels as big as they used to.

you need a breather just walking from your parked car to the front door of your gym.

you’re exhausted after a slow dance.

it takes half the time to fill the tub as it used to.

you can’t cross your legs anymore.

you can’t show off your new belt to your friends.

you need a breather after your breather.

you finally decide to go to your gym for a workout…and when you get there you need to ask a passer-by “When did this become a Walgreen’s?”

you think P90X is some kind of Xbox accessory.

you’re stuck watching some lame TV show because the remote isn’t within reach and God forbid you get off your ass and manually change the channel!

you find yourself agreeing with most of these!!!

Grandpa Malarky recently moved into the Malarky household in West Chester, Pa.  Here are some scenes from his first days with his son’s family:

We see Grandpa sitting on a chair in the kitchen staring at a turkey cooking in the oven when his son Flex walks in…

FLEX:  Why are you staring at the oven, Dad?

GRANDPA:  Oven?  Aw, hell!  I thought I was watching the Food Network!

Grandpa sitting on the couch talking to his 12-year-old grandson, Alex…

ALEX:  You gotta come outside and see my new skateboard, Grandpa!

GRANDPA:  So ya got yourself a new skateboard, eh?  What’d it cost ya?

ALEX:  $100.

GRANDPA:  Hundred bucks??  Jesus Christmas!  In my day a skateboard was two bucks for a piece of wood, five bucks for a pair of roller skates and a whipping from my dad for ruining a good pair of roller skates!

Grandpa sitting in the passenger seat next to his son, Flex…

FLEX:  I can’t believe you got into a car accident, Dad!  At least you’re alright.

GRANDPA:  It wasn’t my fault!  I was backing my car out of the driveway when it was struck by the other car in the same place it was struck several times before!

Grandpa sitting with his 10-year-old granddaughter, Alison…

ALISON:  You know it’s your birthday this Sunday, Grandpa.

GRANDPA:  I know that!  You don’t have to tell me what I already know.

ALISON:  So whaddya want for your birthday?

GRANDPA:  Who’s having a birthday?

ALISON:  You are!

GRANDPA:  I know that!  I know when it’s my birthday!  Trust me, I was there when I was born.

ALISON:  So what kinda present should I getcha?

GRANDPA:  Make sure you buy me something you like, cause you’re gonna get it back when I die!

Grandpa walking with his grandson, Alex…

GRANDPA:  When I was a kid, I had to walk five miles to school, uphill, every day, through twenty inches of snow, with no shoes…and no feet…

ALEX:  I guess you weren’t very smart as a kid, Grandpa.

GRANDPA:  Whaddya mean?

ALEX:  You shoulda just taken the school bus!

Grandpa sitting outside on the hammock with Alex and Alison…

GRANDPA:  Your parents ever take you kids camping?

ALISON:  I just went camping with the Girl Scouts this spring.

ALEX:  I went camping with my class a couple years ago.

GRANDPA:  Your parents should take you camping!  When I was your age, I went camping all the time!  We’d make a campfire every night just by rubbing two sticks together.

ALEX:  What did you do if it rained?

GRANDPA:  We’d rub a little harder!  We’d sing a few songs, tell some ghost stories, then roast our wieners on a stick until they turned black and split!

(ALEX and ALISON look at one another and start giggling.)

GRANDPA:  What?  What’d I say?

(They repeat what he just said about roasting wieners.)

GRANDPA:  Oh!  I get it!  I guess I made a pretty funny boner, huh?

That young feller was all over the road! I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him!

From the Rite-Aid Pharmacy on the corner of Worth and Ferguson Sts. in Akron, Ohio, on 6/4/10.  We see TOM and HEATHER DOYLE sitting by the prescription pick-up.

TOM:  You know I’m only doing this for you, honey.

HEATHER:  You’re doing it for us, dear.

TOM (whispers):  43-years-old, and I’m getting Viagra.  What’s this world coming to?

HEATHER:  We’ve already discussed this, Tom.  A lot of men have issues…uh…down there…at your age.  It’s nothing to be ashamed of.

TOM:  I don’t know anybody who has to use Viagra.

HEATHER:  Why would anyone discuss it in public?  It’s a private matter.

TOM:  I bet Rick doesn’t need it…now that he married that 24-year-old.  Friggin’ Pilates instructor.  Damn.

HEATHER:  That has nothing to do with it and you know it.

(Pause)

HEATHER:  Although I would think your buddy Bill would need some inspiration now that his wife’s ass is the size of Texas.

(The two laugh.)

TOM:  I just feel so…I don’t know…inadequate.

HEATHER:  Don’t be so hard on yourself.  (Pause)  Be hard on…

TOM:  You.  Yeah, yeah, so funny.

(The female pharmacist approaches the counter and cash register with a bottle.)

PHARMA (loud):  Who ordered the VIAGRA?

TOM:  Ahem…uh…me.  Can we keep it down?

PHARMA:  Sure, if you don’t take these pills!  HA!  That was a good one!

TOM:  Nice wit.

PHARMA:  I’m quick on my toes today!

HEATHER:  And my husband’s quick in bed.

PHARMA:  HA!

HEATHER:  Sorry, dear.

TOM:  Very funny, honey.  What do I owe you, miss?

PHARMA:  $200.

TOM:  Excuse me?

PHARMA:  $200.  Ten pills, $20 each.  Insurance won’t cover it.

TOM:  $200 for ten pills??  That’s ridiculous!

HEATHER:  That is expensive.

TOM:  Maybe if Pfizer didn’t spend a billion dollars on their incessant TV ads, it wouldn’t cost this much!

HEATHER:  Do you give out free samples?  Just to see if it works?

PHARMA:  Uh…

(HEATHER takes out a $20 bill and holds it out to the pharmacist.)

HEATHER:  Or can I just buy one?  Now?!

(TOM tucks his wallet in his back pocket.)

TOM:  I don’t mean to be hard up, honey, but I’m not spending $200 for these pills.

HEATHER:  If you were hard up…dear…we wouldn’t be here in the first place!!!

PHARMA:  HA!

From the journal of Mary Beth Webster, 21, college student, of Athens, GA: 

May 14^th  

I was counting my chickens before they hatched (an odd ritual, but someone had to do it. No use counting them once they’ve hatched) when my friend Sandy arrived.  We were going to see Usher in concert.

It didn’t take long for us to get to Sanford Stadium on campus, and in no time an usher showed us to our Usher seats.  “Who’s the opening act?” I asked Sandy.

“Louis and Richard Leakey,” she replied as we sat in our seats. 

“Get out!” I said.  “The archaeologists who discovered Lucy?”

“Yep,” said Sandy.  “Louis was the one who described a collection of fragmentary jaws, skulls and limb bones nearly two million years old…from Olduvai Gorge.”

“Oh yeah,” I said.  “Didn’t Louis and his colleagues claim that their material belonged not to Australopithecus but to a new species of Homo?”

“Right,” said Sandy.  “Homo habilis.”

“Doesn’t that term mean ‘handy man’?” I asked.

“Correct,” Sandy smiled.  “I think their new album just cracked the top 40 on Billboard.”

“I like the song Oreopithecus Ain’t a Direct Hominid Ancestor,” I said.

“Wanna See My Homo Erectus is in the top ten,” Sandy pointed out.

A few minutes later, the Leakeys and their band ran onstage amidst thunderous applause.  Louis and Richard lectured the crowd on the history of man and explained their excavations in Lake Turkana and other eastern African sites.  This was then followed by a question and answer period.  Then the band broke into last year’s hit, ER 1470, a song about the skull Richard found in Lake Turkana which led to the creation of Homo habilis and the title track from their new album.  Louis played a mean bass and harmonica while Richard played a bluesy lead guitar and sang most of the vocals.

“Hey!” I cried to Sandy during the song, We’re All Homos, “isn’t that Professor Raymond Dart on drums?”

“Yeah!” Sandy yelled as she halted her dancing to answer me.  “He discovered the skull in Taung which he named Autralopithecus afrianus!”

I nodded and continued to dance.  I held up my lighter as the band departed after their last song, and I noticed that most of the crowd was leaving as well.

Oh yeah…Usher wasn’t bad, I guess.  I really don’t remember.

Louis Leakey-Archaeologist, Naturalist, Bass Guitarist

LITTLE THINGS THAT ANNOY ME #57:  Did you ever get one of those silly stories emailed to you that’s supposed to have some kind of point so you read it and all it does is piss you off cause it was so silly and at the end the original emailer for some reason wants you to forward the silly story to all of your silly friends and if you do Bill Gates from Microsoft will send you a check for $10,000?  This is one of them…

His name was Fleming, and he was a poor Irish farmer. One day, while trying to make a living for his family, he heard a cry for help coming from a nearby bog. He dropped his tools and ran to the bog.

There, mired to his waist in black muck, was a terrified boy, screaming and struggling to free himself.  “This bog has bogged down this boy,” Farmer Fleming thought brilliantly.  He saved the lad from what could have been a slow and terrifying death.

The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Irishman’s sparse surroundings.  An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced himself as the father of the boy Farmer Fleming had saved.

“I am the bog boy’s father,” said the nobleman.  “Apparently, he was swamped.  I am here today because I want to repay you for saving my son’s life.  ”

“No, I can’t accept payment for what I did,” the Irish farmer replied, waving off the offer.  “It was my pleasure to save your boy in the bog.”  At that moment, the farmer’s own son came to the door of the family hovel.

“Is that your son?” the nobleman asked.

“Yes,” the farmer replied proudly.  “I call him……………..Son.”

“I’ll make you a deal. Let me provide him with the level of education my own son will enjoy. If the lad is anything like his father, he’ll no doubt grow to be a man we both will be proud of.  And then, one day, our story will be shared over the internet as inspiration to all.”

“Maybe someone will blog about the bog,” Farmer Fleming said to the bog boy’s father.  “It boggles the mind.”

Farmer Fleming’s son attended the very best schools and in time, graduated from St. Mary’s Hospital Medical School in London, and went on to become known throughout the world as the noted Sir Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of Penicillin.

Years afterward, the same nobleman’s son who was saved from the bog was stricken with pneumonia.  What saved his life this time?  Penicillin.

The name of the nobleman?  Lord Randolph Churchill.  His son’s name?  Sir Winston Churchill.

Farmer Fleming’s real name?  George Washington Carver, the American scientist, botanist, educator and inventor.  The woman who lived in the house next to the bog where he saved Churchill’s life?  That was Susan B. Anthony, who went on to become a prominent Civil Rights leader in America!  Her neighbor next door?  The one and only Richard Jordan Gatling who patented the first modern machine gun!  The guy who sold the carriage to Lord Randolph Churchill?  That was Samuel Clemens, otherwise known as…you guessed it…Mark Twain!  And the gentleman who drove the carriage that day to Farmer Fleming’s?  Yep, that was Flash Gordon, the hero of the science fiction comic strip of the 1930s!  And who was Flash Gordon’s girlfriend at the time?  Dorothy Hamill, the famed ice skater who would win gold medal in the 1976 Winter Olympics!

Please email this uplifting story to 36 of your friends in the next five minutes because it’s so important to me that complete strangers read this!  If you do, you will receive a check for $10,000 from Bill Gates of Microsoft!  If you do not, you and everyone you know and love will die a horrific death…from the hands of Bill Gates himself.  Don’t piss him off.

You better forward this email! I must have strangers read this uplifting story!

From the 2010 “Bring Your Child To Work Day” at Matrix Marketing in Albany, NY.  We see DENISE from HR standing before a dozen kids, ages 8-12, who are seated at a table with their Mom or Dad.  HANNA, age 8, is attempting to hold her breath.

DENISE:  Thanks for joining us, parents!  Your kids just worked on a questionnaire about you and now they would like to share some of their answers.  Ready, kids?

KIDS:  Ready!

DENISE:  The first question was…when your Mommy or Daddy was a kid, what did they want to be when they grew up?  Billy?

BILLY:  My Daddy wanted to be a fireman!

DENISE:  Nice!  Emily?

EMILY:  My Mommy wanted to be the president of the United States!

DENISE:  Wow!  That’s great.  Tommy?

TOMMY:  My Daddy wanted to be in prostitutes!

DENISE:  Excuse me?

TOMMY’S DAD:  Uh…that’s prosthetics, Tommy.  I wanted to grow up and make prosthetics for amputees.  Ever since your Grandpa lost his arm in the Vietnam War.

DENISE:  Ah, I see.  Miranda?

MIRANDA:  When my Daddy was little, he wanted to grow up to be a drug dealer.

MIRANDA’S DAD:  A pharmacist!  I said I wanted to be a pharmacist!

EMILY:  My Mommy said she no longer wanted to be the president of the United States because she deals with so much politics here at work.

EMILY’S MOM:  Ha ha ha!  Emily!  Mommy said no such thing!

BILLY:  Where are the donkeys, Daddy?

BILLY’S DAD:  Excuse me?

BILLY:  You told Mommy the other night you spend half your days kissing people’s donkeys.  Where do you guys keep them?

BILLY’S DAD:  What are you talking about?

EMILY:  My Mommy said the same thing to my Daddy!  She says she spends half her days kissing people’s donkeys!  But she calls them asses.

EMILY’S MOM:  Emily!

DENISE:  Hanna?  Why are you holding your breath?

HANNA:  I’mtryingnottobreathe!

DENISE:  Why?

HANNA:  MyMommysaysthisplacesucksthelifeoutofyousoI’mtrying toholdmybreath!

HANNA’S MOM:  Hanna!  Ha ha!  What an imagination!  Ha ha!

TOMMY:  My Daddy told his poker buddies that he spends a lot of money on prosthetics when Mommy goes away on business trips.

TOMMY’S DAD:  Tommy!

EMILY:  Hey, Mommy!  You’re a liar!  These ceilings aren’t made of glass!

EMILY’S MOM:  Emily!

HANNA:  Mommy?  Where are all the mints?

HANNA’S MOM:  What mints?

HANNA:  You said there were all kinds of harass mints here at work.  Can I have one?

HANNA’S MOM:  Heh, heh!  My daughter sure is funny today!

MIRANDA:  My Dad’s biggest dream now is to win the lottery so he doesn’t have to spend the rest of his life sitting in a stupid cubicle, living paycheck to paycheck, watching his dreams and aspirations slowly die like our front lawn does every summer.

DENISE:  Miranda!  You shouldn’t say such things about your father.

MIRANDA’S DAD:  No…I did say that.  On the way to work this morning, actually.  Um…did you say it’s break time???

NEW THIS SUMMER!  CONVICTS RETURNS TO NBC!

Starring Tiger Woods, Ben Roethlisberger, Times Square Terrorist Faisal Shahzad, Pope Benedict XVI and Bill Clinton as themselves as these convicts are forced to live together under one roof!  Join in the hilarity each week as you witness the house arrest of these five criminals!

(Scene:  The living room.  BILL CLINTON can be seen eating a cheeseburger and slurping on a milkshake while downloading porn on the computer on the side desk.  BEN ROETHLISBERGER is sitting on the couch playing Xbox.)

BEN:  Dude!  Like I won again!  I rule!

CLINTON:  The TV isn’t on, Ben.  (Laughtrack heard here.)

BEN:  Oh…I thought I was playing in night vision or something. 

CLINTON:  Heh, heh.  You shoulda worn a helmet that night you were riding, Ben.

BEN:  That’s what that underage bitch in Georgia said, Mr. President!  She wished I wore a helmet!  (Laughtrack heard here.)

(The front door opens and TIGER WOODS enters.  We hear booing from the live studio audience.)

TIGER (to audience):  What?  Oh, like none of you ever cheated on your wives with 17 whores?  C’mon!

CLINTON:  Hey, Tiger!  C’mere.  I just downloaded a bunch of hot babes…I think you slept with half of them, heh heh.

TIGER:  Real funny, Mr. President.  (He looks at the computer screen.)  Hey, you see that one there?  I gave her an Italian kiss.

CLINTON:  What’s that?

TIGER:  It’s a French kiss but a little further south.  (Laughtrack heard here.)

BEN:  How’s your bulging (CENSORED) problem, Tiger?

TIGER:  Disk, Ben.  It’s a bulging disk problem.  That’s why I quit the golf tournament on Sunday.  I couldn’t swing.

BEN:  My lawyers advised me not to swing anymore.  (Laughtrack heard here.)

CLINTON:  I’ve always had a bulging (CENSORED) problem, Tiger.  My (CENSORED) is always bulging…unless Hillary’s in the room.  (Laughtrack heard here.)

(The front door opens and POPE BENEDICT XVI enters.  There is a smattering of boos and cheers from the audience.)

CLINTON:  Good afternoon, your Holiness!

POPE:  We in the Catholic Church don’t like to use the word holy anymore, my children. 

BEN:  What are you doing here?

POPE:  Seems as if the world is upset that the Catholic Church allowed thousands of our bishops and priests to molest young boys for years and turned a blind eye to it. 

TIGER:  Wow, that’s really bad. 

POPE:  I know.  One priest in a German parish apparently molested a thousand young boys.  I punished him and yet here I am on Convicts!  I don’t get it!

BEN:  What did you to the priest?  Have him kicked out of the church?  Arrested and have him stand trial?

POPE:  No, I had his name changed and then sent to another parish.  Can someone toss me a beer? (Laughtrack heard here.)

(The door opens and FAISAL SHAHZAD enters.  The audience boos mercilessly.  There is black smudge on his face, his hair is a mess, and smoke rises off his torn clothes.  He is holding what appears to be shredded cardboard.)

BEN:  Misfired again, Faisal?

FAISAL:  I don’t get it.  The directions said to mix the two solutions together, let stand for 60 seconds, then add the powder, shake quickly, throw and enjoy.  I did that and it blew up in my face.  (TIGER takes the shredded cardboard from his hands.)

TIGER:  The directions say to mix the solutions and let stand for 30 seconds.  It blew up in your face because you held it for too long.

BEN:  Ha!  That’s what I said to that underage bitch in Georgia!

(ALL laugh and slap one another on the back.  Audience claps and cheers.  Freeze scene and roll end credits.)

For the 300^th issue of Seek Therapy, God Himself sat down for an interview with our favorite unpublished author, Flex Malarky, in his house in West Chester, PA, on the evening of 4/26/10.

FLEX:  Thanks for coming, God.  The folks at Seek Therapy appreciate You taking the time to give us an exclusive interview.

GOD:  No problem.  Nice living room.  New piano?

FLEX:  Yeah.  Got it from someone off of Craig’s List.  But I’m sure You already knew that, being omnipresent and all.

GOD:  Yeah, uh…right.  I did know that.  I was…uh… testing you.  Yeah.  You got any beer around here, Frank?

FLEX:  It’s Flex.

GOD:  I knew that.

FLEX:  Should I call you “God” or “Jesus” or “M’Lord” or “Yahweh”?

GOD:  My friends call me “Big Guy.”  They were never into that “Yahweh” thing.  I was like, ‘Call me Yahweh’ and they were like, ‘No way, Yahweh!’ and we’d laugh.  Dude, you had to be there.  Anyhoo, call me God. 

FLEX:  The dozen or so readers of Seek Therapy submitted a few questions we’d like to ask You.

GOD:  Shoot.  But…do not shoot to kill.  Thou shalt not kill…unless thou art a stand-up comic.  Thou would then killeth thy audience with thy jokes.

FLEX:  Good to know.  First question…do You know how the show Lost is going to end?

GOD:  Yes.  Yes, I do.

FLEX:  Can You share the ending with us?

GOD:  Susan and Will finally become friends and combine their talents so that the group wins regionals and even state.  It’s a happy ending for everybody.

FLEX:  That’s Glee. 

GOD:  I knew that.

FLEX:  What about Lost?

GOD:  I gave up on that show last season.  All of that stupid time traveling.  They lost me.  Ha!  Get it?  And people say I have no sense of humor!  By the way, is it me or has 24 jumped the shark big time?

FLEX:  Yeah, it really hasn’t been very good the last couple years.

GOD:  And what’s with Kiefer Sutherland?  The dude mumbles!  I know I’m God and everything, but I can’t understand a Me-damn word he says!  Speak up, Jack!

FLEX:  Let’s move on to the next question.  Do You find it amusing that a group of people here on Earth have turned a pulp novel from the 1950s into a silly religion?

GOD:  The Bible was written way before the 1950s.

FLEX:  I’m talking about Scientology.

GOD:  Oh, right!  Riiiiight!  Scientology.  I knew that.  Folks like Tom Cruise and John Travolta worshipping Klingons in outer space.  Pay your way to your own enlightenment.  Sign me up for that!

FLEX:  Is there life after death?

GOD:  When the hell was the last time either one of those two guys even put out a good movie?

FLEX:  We’re running out of time here, God.  Is there life after death?  Is there Heaven and Hell?

GOD:  I’m sorry, what did you say?  I just got a text from Buddha.  He’s hosting poker night tonight.  I have to bring “something munchy.”

FLEX:  Why do bad things happen to good people?

GOD:  You ever play Texas Hold ‘Em with Buddha?  Dude’s a cheater.  Now Moses…that guy can play.

FLEX:  Some quick final questions…Can You please explain Your own existence?  To what level do You influence the daily workings of the universe?  Is gender an aspect of divinity?  Are You a He or She, neither of the above, or a combination?  How much of what we do is already written and how much can we control with our own free will and actions?

GOD:  Ben.

FLEX:  What?

GOD:  Ben replaces Jacob on the island in Lost.  But Jacob first had to break Ben of his pride and purge him of his sin…not to mention protect him from the Man In Black’s assassination plot.

FLEX:  I thought You said You didn’t watch Lost anymore?

GOD:  Meh.  So I lied.  Who’s going to know?  No one reads this stupid blog anyway!

(And with that answer, God stood, flipped His brilliant white hair out of His eyes, put on His Armani sunglasses and walked outside into the brisk night and drove off in His 2010 Audi A8.  A fitting end to a “very special” Seek Therapy.)