COMING SOON TO A THEATER NEAR YOU…

 

(We see LINDA and JOHN asleep in a bed.  JOHN is snoring lightly.  Suddenly, we hear a flutter sound.  This is followed quickly by another flutter.  Now an even louder flutter.  LINDA and JOHN open their eyes.)

 

LINDA:  Did you hear that flutter?

JOHN:  I thought it was a flap.

LINDA:  Sort of like a flicker.

JOHN:  Possibly a flurry?

LINDA:  Maybe a…uh…I can’t think of any other noise words that start with F and L…

(Just then something small lands on LINDA’s nose.  Her eyes cross to look down upon it.  She screams and jumps out of bed.)

LINDA:  John!  Did you see that?

JOHN:  Yes!  My God!  What was it?

VOICEOVER:  A normal family in a normal household…

LINDA:  It just flew by my ear!  John, what was it?

JOHN:  I…I don’t know.

VOICEOVER:  …but this fall, there is nothing normal in this household…

(A scream is heard down the hall.)

LINDA:  That was Jill!  Our daughter!

JOHN:  My God!  I’ve never heard her scream like that!

LINDA:  I thought it was more of a shriek.  Or a screech.

JOHN:  Maybe a shout, perhaps?

VOICEOVER:  This fall, terror has a new name…

(We see JILL, age 9 or 10, so hard to tell kids’ ages these days in Hollywood.  She walks numbly into the bedroom.  Something…some THINGS…are on her face!!!)

JILL:  Mom…Dad?  Help…me!

LINDA:  Jill!!!

JOHN:  My God!  When did you develop acne?

JILL:  Huh?

JOHN:  Acne…that moves!!!

(JILL and LINDA scream.  We hear the flutter sounds again as the small things now fly around the room.  Just then a window shade flies open and we see the small things crawling all over the window.  The camera zooms in on JILL’s horrified face as she points to the window.)

JILL:  Stiiiiiiink buggggggggeeeeeeees!

JOHN:  My God!

VOICEOVER:  This fall, there is a new smell of terror.  STINK BUG! starring George Clooney as John…

JOHN:  Look at me smirk while I gather up the stink bugs with toilet paper.  Here!  Got another one.

VOICEOVER:  Reese Witherspoon as Linda, his wife…

LINDA:  Ha!  I crushed another stink bug with my chin!

VOICEOVER:  Lindsay Lohan, trying to recapture her cute, sober youth, as Jill…

JILL:  Listen, you two keep killing those stink bugs while I go visit my probationary officer, ‘kay?

VOICEOVER:  And Samuel L. Jackson as Flint McBlack the Exterminator…because Samuel L. Jackson stars in every other movie anyway…

McBLACK:  Enough is enough!  I’ve had it with these m*****f*****g stink bugs in this m*****f*****g house!

VOICEOVER:  This fall, there is no escape from STINK BUG!

LINDA:  They’re really not all that bad.  They’re just…all over the place!

JOHN:  Look how I smirk at everything you say.  Someone should just make a movie of me just standing around…smirking.  Cary Grant never smirked like this.

LINDA:  Also, come see me in my other new movie, “Legally Blonde 3:  Blonde, James Blonde.”  Yeah, you know you wanted another Legally Blonde movie.

McBLACK:  If my answers frighten you then you should cease asking scary questions.

JILL:  God, I need a drink.

McBLACK:  Hamburgers.  The cornerstone of any nutritious breakfast.

VOICEOVER:  This fall, come see the movie that really stinks.  STINK BUG!

(From the bedroom of KIM and JEFF SOWERS, both age 44, of Silver Spring, MD, on the night of 9/17/10.  JEFF is reading in bed as KIM enters.)

 

KIM:  OK, all the kids are down.

JEFF:  Sounds good.  I’m beat.  Busy day tomorrow so I’m turning in early.  (He closes book, places it and his glasses on the night stand.)

KIM:  Really?  It’s Friday night, still early…

JEFF:  I’m really tired.

KIM:  You sure?  (She pulls three small bottles from her night stand.)  Cause I picked these up today.  Thought we could maybe give one of them a try?

JEFF:  What are they?

KIM:  They’re called “Motion Lotions.”  This one here is called “Midnight Moonlight.”

JEFF:  Are you kidding me?

KIM:  This one is “Sexy Spice” and this here is “Beach Bonfire.”

JEFF:  You’re not kidding?

KIM:  C’mon, Jeff!  Time to spice things up a bit!  Take ‘em off!

JEFF:  Alright.  Sheesh!  I’m only doing this to make you happy.

KIM:  Yeah.  Like I’m such a demanding wife!  Which one you wanna try?

JEFF:  You sure the kids are asleep?

KIM:  They’re probably texting.  They won’t hear us.  Whaddya think of “Beach Bonfire”?

JEFF:  Sounds too hot.

KIM:  How about “Sexy Spice”?

JEFF:  OK, sure.  Whatever.

KIM:  You’re so romantic.

JEFF:  Been a long week.  Ooh!  That’s cold!

KIM:  Really?

JEFF:  Hold on…actually, it’s warming up a bit now.

KIM:  You like that, huh?

JEFF:  Sure, it’s nice.

KIM:  Who’s a bad boy?

JEFF:  We doing the babysitter or the substitute teacher scenario?

KIM:  How about you’re the manager and I’m the new intern?

JEFF:  Sounds good.

KIM:  OK…ahem!  So…I don’t wemember this being part of the job deskwipshun, Mr. Boss.

JEFF:  Why are you talking like Elmer Fudd?

KIM:  I was trying to sound sexy.

JEFF:  You sound like your hunting wabbit.

KIM:  Alright, fine!  Let me hop on and let’s get this over with.  There we go!

JEFF:  Could ya talk like Bugs Bunny instead?

KIM:  What’s up, doc?

JEFF:  Me!  (Both laugh but JEFF stops suddenly.)  Hey.

KIM:  What’s the matter?

JEFF:  It’s starting to get really hot down there.

KIM:  I guess that’s the “Sexy Spice” kicking in.

JEFF:  Uh…it’s pretty warm.

KIM:  Yeah, I feel it now.  That…uh…that is pretty warm!  Talk about groinal warming!

JEFF:  Holy shit!  GET OFF!

KIM:  OW!  That’s really hot!

JEFF:  GET OFF!!!!!!!  (KIM hops off.  JEFF jumps off the bed.)  JESUS JUMPING CHRIST!  MY (CENSORED) (CENSORED) IS ON FIRE!!!!!!!

KIM:  Shhh!  You’ll wake the kids!  Watch it!  You just knocked over the candle!

JEFF:  What’s the main ingredient in that lotion?!  Sulfuric acid??? 

KIM:  Hey…it’s not feeling too good for me down there either, you know.

JEFF:  This is agony!  Just CUT IT OFF!

KIM:  I would if I could find it.

JEFF:  Funny.  I’m jumping in the shower.

KIM:  Here…let me get it with my spritz bottle.

JEFF:  Oh my Lord!  I feel like a weenie roast!

KIM:  Well you’re acting like a weenie.  Hold still!  Stop being such a baby!  Look, I’ll fan it with this magazine as well.

JEFF:  I can’t feel anything down there!  I think it burned off my nerve endings!

KIM:  Just imagine if we used the “Beach Bonfire”?

(JEFF is standing beside the bed, wearing nothing but an undershirt.  KIM is naked from the waist down, on her knees, spraying JEFF’s groin with her spritz bottle and fanning it with a magazine in the other hand.  At this point they hear the sound of someone chewing.  Horrified, they slowly look at their bedroom door and see their 12-year-old daughter, KATY, standing there, calmly eating an apple.

KATY:  Mom…Dad…I think you two just might need a refresher course on the birds and the bees.

(The following are real texts sent from real people to other real people.  Really.  The point is…you just might learn something from these “mistexts.”)

 

Gary gets Stacy’s number from the gym:

Gary:  Hi!  It’s Gary from the gym!  Would you like to get together for coffee or tea or something sometime?

Stacy:  Hey, Gary!  Coffee or tea sounds good…but you have me curious about the “something.”  J  Let me know where and when?

Gary:  How about coffee, tea and me?  Right now I’m naked in my apt, and I ain’t using my fingers to text!

Stacy:  Uh…I’ll see you in spin class sometime.

Feedback:  Gary’s an idiot.  Stacy (who I hear is smoking hot…she even teaches a Zumba class at the gym), is not talking about food or drink when she reiterates Gary’s “something” idea.  The smiley face supports the notion that Stacy wants “something” else!  But Gary came back too strong, too fast.  If the text appears to have an ulterior meaning, error on the side of caution.  Gary should have responded with:

Gary:  I guess we could maybe grab some lunch instead?

Feedback:  Now he comes across as quite the gentleman or quite clueless and he would not have offended Stacy.  And he’s really not bragging if he’s able to use his “groinal tool” to hit those tiny letters on his BlackBerry Curve.

 

Joanna and Steve have been dating for a year:

Joanna:  OMG!  I was walking into the Y this morning when the guy in front of me was humming our song!  Then during spin class the instructor played our song in her mix!  Then I got into my car and it was the first song on the radio!  Is that weird or what?

Steve:  OK.

Feedback:  Steve’s name should be Dick.  His girlfriend just shared a really cute story with him and he responds with “OK”?  Not okay.  Joanna wanted some reciprocation.  A lame response to a long story is a pet peeve of most people, especially women.  Steve should have responded with:

Steve:  Wow, that is weird!  Sounds like signs of a good day!

Feedback:  Perfect response.  Steve acknowledged Joanna’s text with a short, positive note.  Truth is, Steve has no idea that he and Joanna even have a song.  The two were at a restaurant when the song was playing…but Steve was in the bathroom at the time texting his ex-girlfriend…pleading with her to take him back.

 

Blair is texting her new boyfriend, Josh, for the first time.  Josh is new to texting:

Blair:  Sup, bf?  I wz rofl at ur email 2day!  Cldnt rspnd B9.  ADIH 4 me.  G2R, cya l8r!

Josh:  ???

Translation:  What’s up, boyfriend?  I was rolling on the floor laughing at your email today!  I couldn’t respond because my boss was watching.  Another day in hell for me.  Got to run, see ya later!

Feedback:  Not sure what Josh sees in Blair.  The fact that she knows all of this text jargon tells me she spends way too much time on her cell than actual F2F (face to face) time.

 

Mindy is trying to make plans with her boyfriend, Eric:

Mindy:  Hey!  Have u left work yet?

Eric:  y…I’m driving.

Mindy:  You heading here for happy hour?  Thought we’d hang here for a bit then go out afterwards.  Everyone’s bitching about work.  Some good drink specials.

Eric:  Cool.

Mindy:  So see u in a bit?

Eric:  can’t text, driving.

Mindy:  R u paying attention?  R u headed here?

Eric:  Long day.  Headed home to shower.

Mindy:  Nice way to spend a Friday evening!  When you want to act like an adult, call me!

Feedback:  Mindy is the one who needs to act like an adult.  If you want to make plans with your boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse/etc., get off your lazy ass and make a phone call!  One misunderstood text can lead to a series of frustrating exchanges.  And one should never text while driving…Eric!  However, in this case it’s a good thing Mindy did not make the phone call.  Eric was driving…with his co-worker, Lindsay.  He could barely concentrate on his driving and texting because Lindsay’s head was down in his lap, if ya catch my drift!  No wonder Eric needs to go home for a shower!

(The proposed 2011-2012 school calendar as per the Griffin County School District Teachers’ Union in Fruitdish, TN.  The union is also asking for free healthcare, an annual 8% raise over the next five years and a new coffee dispenser every three.  In return for the free coffee, the union says they will chip in for creamer and stirrers.)

 

8/29:  First day of school.

9/2:  No school.  In-service day.  Topic:  Discussing the upcoming school year’s in-service day topics.

9/5:  No school.  Labor Day.

9/29:  No school.  Rosh Hashana.

10/7:  No school.  Yom Kippur.

10/10:  No school.  Columbus Day.  The day America celebrates that Christopher Columbus was not the first European to discover a land already inhabited by hundreds of thousands of people.

10/14:  No school.  In-service day.  Topic:  Where to party for the November in-service day.

11/4:  No School.  Local holiday in honor of General Worthington Griffin of the Mexican War who, in 1848, was the first to suggest that the United States build some kind of barrier to keep out illegal immigrants.  “Just the Mexican illegal immigrants,” General Griffin exclaimed in his most famous speech after the war.  “But those Chinese folks are fine.  I find that they’re the only ones who can iron my shirts with just the right amount of starch.  Me?  I can iron for 20 minutes and my shirt still has wrinkles in ‘em!”

11/8:  No school.  Election Day.  Voting booths are located strictly in the gymnasiums of the high school and two of the six elementary schools, but this is a good enough excuse to have the day off.

11/14-11/16:  No school.  Parent-Teacher Conferences.  Why should we, the teachers, have to spend an extra two to three hours in school, one day a year, to discuss the students’ progress with their parents when the parents could simply take the time off from their two week vacation per year jobs instead?

11/18:  No school.  In-service day.  Buses leave for the casinos at 9AM sharp.

11/24-11/25:  No school.  Thanksgiving break.

12/21:  No school.  First day of Hanukkah.

12/22:  No school.  In honor of those who spell it “Chanukkah”. 

12/23-1/2:  No school.  Christmas break.  We will meet in the Fruitdish High School Auditorium during the week to discuss creating new holidays for more days off in 2012-13.  Shouldn’t there be a day off for George Washington Carver…or Florence Nightingale…or Norman Fell?

1/16:  No school.  Martin Luther King Day.

1/25:  No school.  In-service day.  Topics:  What happens when a high school teacher hits on an elementary school teacher?  How to plan for next summer’s three month vacation.

2/20:  No school.  President’s Day.

4/2-4/6:  No school.  Easter break.

4/27:  No school.  In-service day.  Topic:  Increasing teachers’ pensions without raising taxes…much.

5/7:  No school.  Holy Phlegmboyant Day.  Celebrating the day Jesus had his tonsils out.  The next day, according to scripture, Jesus converted a loaf of bread into five small bowels of vanilla ice cream for himself and his fellow recovering patients.  Listen, we all know that God is not allowed in public schools…that’s why the district celebrates all of these religious holidays!  It’s our chance to thank God for all of these days off when you can celebrate Him in the privacy of your own homes!  Hell, we’re proposing having a week off for Kawanza or Kwanzaa or Kiwanis or whatever the hell it’s called for 2012! 

5/28:  No school.  Memorial Day.

6/4:  No school.  In-service day.  Topic:  Who’s bringing what to the Teacher End Of Year BBQ.

6/12-6/15:  Four half days instead of two full days.  Just because we can.

6/15:  Last day of school. 

 

(The proposed schedule will be put to vote on Election Day in November 2010.  The teachers’ union is confident their proposed schedule will be passed with the proposed necessary 3% of the taxpayers’ vote.)

The Case of the Missing Missus

(SCENE:  We see Inspector Now slowly pacing in the living room of the wealthy Harbaugh family.  The elderly John Harbaugh sits nervously on the sofa with his twenty-something daughter, Pamela.  Twenty-something daughter Tracie sits on an adjoining loveseat with her husband, Mark Hamilton.  Uncle Ashton sits at the piano stool.)

 

INSPECTOR NOW:  I shall read the letter again.  “Dear John, Please leave $100,000 in a bag under the bridge on Maple Street.  If there is no bridge on Maple Street, please build one.  I am being treated well; given shelter and good food although I wasn’t too crazy about the choice in wine last night.  Who drinks Merlot on a muggy evening?  Please send the money quickly, darling, because if it is not here by Thursday they will make me write you again and ask for the money by Friday.  They do not want to wait until next week with a holiday on Monday and the banks closed.  Love With All My Heart, Clarice.  P.S.  This is no joke.  I am enclosing a joke so you can tell the difference.”

PAMELA (sobbing):  Please, Inspector Now!  Please find my mother!

INSPECTOR NOW:  There, there.  Don’t you worry about a thing.  I’ll find your mother.  What say you and I have some dinner tonight if I find her…say…by 3:00?

TRACIE:  Inspector Now!

INSPECTOR NOW:  Actually, I’ll inspect her later. 

JOHN HARBAUGH:  Who do you think kidnapped my wife?

INSPECTOR NOW:  Who indeed?  Someone who obviously needs $100,000.  (He approaches Uncle Ashton.)  Where were you on the night of August the twelfth?

UNCLE ASHTON:  In bed.

INSPECTOR NOW:  With whom?

UNCLE ASHTON:  That’s a personal question.

INSPECTOR NOW:  And I’d like a personal answer.

UNCLE ASHTON:  I was in bed with your wife.  She said you’re the worst lover she’s ever…

INSPECTOR NOW:  Whoa, whoa!  No need to get personal!

UNCLE ASHTON:  But you said you’d like…

INSPECTOR NOW:  You are a heavy gambler, Uncle Ashton.  I understand you possess nearly $100,000 in gambling debts!  (Everyone in the room gasps.  Uncle Ashton appears stunned then ashamed.)  Yes, I know who kidnapped Mrs. Harbaugh.  It was none other than…  (He points to the loveseat.)  Mark Hamilton!  Mrs. Harbaugh’s own son-in-law!

 

What makes Inspector Now think Mark kidnapped his own mother-in-law?

 

INSPECTOR NOW:  Quite obvious, really.  The letter supposedly written by Mrs. Harbaugh is in Mr. Hamilton’s handwriting.

MARK:  No, it’s not!  It’s typed!

INSPECTOR NOW:  Correct!  And with this… (He suddenly reveals a typewriter.)  A 1963 Corona typewriter!  You’ll notice that the letter t is raised as are the t’s in the letter!

MARK:  No, they’re not!  You’re just mimicking the end of that Glenn Close movie, Jagged Edge.

TRACIE:  I loved that movie!

UNCLE ASHTON:  Actually, I did kidnap her.  I possess nearly $100,000 in gambling debts.

INSPECTOR NOW:  No, that’s too obvious.  Okay, you’re right.  The t’s are not raised.  But look at the letter “L” in the letter!  They’re raised, I tell you!  It was Mark!

MARK:  I’ve never been accused of raising “L” until now.

INSPECTOR NOW:  This letter was absolutely typed with this typewriter!

UNCLE ASHTON:  Which you found in the guest bedroom which is where I’m staying. 

PAMELA:  Was Jagged Edge the movie where Beau Bridges turns out to be the killer?

TRACIE:  No, that was Jeff Bridges.

INSPECTOR NOW:  Admit your guilt, Mark!

UNCLE ASHTON:  I told you!  I kidnapped her!

JOHN HARBAUGH:  Hey…uh…Ashton?  How much for Mrs. Harbaugh…to…uh…stay kidnapped?

UNCLE ASHTON:  You kidding me?  I can’t even get rid of Inspector Now’s wife!

Typical class schedule for today’s tenth grade high school student:

 

Locker and Check-In

Homeroom and Announcements

Period 1:  English

Period 2:  Biology

Period 3:  Physical Education

Period 4:  History

Lunch

Period 5:  Study Hall

Period 6:  Art

Period 7:  Geometry

Afternoon Announcements

Period 8:  Music

 

Typical class schedule for today’s tenth grade high school student if our country ever decided to exist in today’s reality:

 

Locker and Check-In

Homeroom and Announcements

Period 1:  English (Mon/Wed/Fri), Today’s Student (Tue/Thur)-First Quarter Topic:  How to Interview for College.  And get ready for the Second Quarter Topic:  How to Prepare for Job Interviews.

Period 2:  Biology-First Quarter Topic:  The Human Male and Female Bodies; how to understand one’s body, how to respect one’s body, how not to get pregnant!

Period 3:  Spanish (Mon/Wed/Fri), Art (Tue/Thur)

Period 4:  Money-First Quarter Topic:  Buying a Home; Understanding Mortgage Rates, what does adjustable rate mean, what does FHA Loan mean, what does foreclosure mean?  And get ready for the Second Quarter Topics:  Managing a Personal Budget, Buying Within Your Means, Understanding Credit Cards, Understanding Your Wireless Contract and the term “Unlimited Texting.”

Lunch

Period 5:  History-First Quarter Topics:  What America really did to our Native Americans; Maybe Ronald Reagan Wasn’t So Great.

Period 6: Math-First Quarter Topic:  Throwing Out the Calculator and Actually Using Our Brains.

Period 7:  Home Improvements-First Quarter Topics:  How to Fix a Leak, How to Replace an Attic Fan, How To Build Wall-to-Wall Bookshelves.

Afternoon Announcements

Period 8: Physical Education (Mon/Wed/Fri), Music (Tue/Thur) 

First Semester Final for Phys Ed:  Student will be training the first semester for a “Sprint” style triathlon.  Even if your son or daughter fails to reach his/her required time, at least we’ll get their fat asses in shape!!

(Special thanks to the Spring Lake Elementary School in Wichita, KS.  The following lists are for the fifth grade students.  See if you can notice the slight changes between the two lists.)

 

1960

·        #2 Pencils

·        Crayons

·        Scissors

·        1 Notebook

·        Notebook paper

·        1 Ruler

·        1 Glue Stick

·        Multiplication/Division Flash Cards

 

 

2010

·        #2 Pencils

·        Crayons (No larger than 24’s)

·        Pointed Scissors

·        3 ring binder (2” rings)

·        3 marble composition books

·        1-five pack binder dividers

·        White lined paper with holes

·        1 Ruler-Centimeter/Inches

·        2 Glue Sticks

·        Colored Pencils

·        Red Pen

·        1 Black Sharpie

·        1 Package of 4 different color highlighters

·        Erasers

·        1 Rimless whiteboard and dry erase marker

·        Pencil Case (No Boxes!)

·        Post-Its

·        Container of baby wipes to clean desks and prevent spread of H1N1.

·        1 Calculator-seriously, what are flashcards?

·        1 Calendar-so you can mark off the 47 holidays, 32 half days, 18 in-service days (wink! wink!) and 2 election days…and then let your parents know so they can have a heads up in using their PTO at work.

·        1 Amazon Kindle.  So now you can download the 1970’s textbooks we use in this school.

·        1 cell phone with unlimited texting so that the classroom will not be interrupted with students’ passing notes.  Just be sure you’re pretending to pay attention while texting your friends.  And make sure it has WIFI so you can cheat during tests.  We don’t give a shit if you learn anything…we just want a clear conscience when we give you an “A” so we can continue to get our government funding.

·        1 Apple iPad.  So now you can plagiarize with style!

·        1 disrespectful attitude-God forbid you respect your teacher, but no worries!  You won’t hear any gripes from us!  We know that if we lay one hand on you your spoiling parents will sue this school district so fast…our ridiculous fat pensions will be paying for your college education!

·        Didn’t mean to write “God” in that last bullet!  We know God has no place in public schools!  Sorry about that!  For the love of Christ, please don’t sue!

·        Please disregard that last bullet as well!  Not saying anyone out there has or hasn’t a “love of Christ”.  Thanks, and see you in September!

From the White House on 8/9/10:

(We see PRESIDENT OBAMA standing behind the podium in the White House East Room, in the midst of a press conference.)

 

OBAMA:  …which is why I must stress that our troops will be home in 2011.

HELEN THOMAS:  Excuse me?

OBAMA:  Yes?

HELEN THOMAS:  What does that mean?

OBAMA:  What does what mean?

HELEN THOMAS:  What you just said?  You walked up to the podium and said, “Which is why I must stress that our troops will be home in 2011.”  No one even asked you a question yet.

OBAMA:  Oh.  I thought we were “in the midst of a press conference.”  Sorry.  My bad.  Let’s start over.  Who has a question?

KEITH OLBERMANN:  How come you’re not returning my calls, Mr. President?  I miss you.

OBAMA:  Who let this guy in here?

OLBERMANN:  It’s only fair, Mr. President!  We need to offset the obnoxious conservative slant by Fox News.

OBAMA:  What if I told you I found MSNBC to be just as obnoxious from the left?

OLBERMANN:  I’d say you didn’t really mean that.

(There is a long, uncomfortable pause.)

OBAMA:  You’re right!  I didn’t mean it!  (OBAMA, OLBERMANN and everyone in the room, except members of Fox News, laughs.)

BRIT HUME:  Mr. President? 

OBAMA:  Yes, Jim Bob?  (Everyone in the room cracks the hell up.)

BRIT HUME:  C’mon, Mr. President.  That was not me.  That was an actor named David Harper.

OBAMA:  Say goodnight, John Boy!  (Everyone in the room snickers.)

BRIT HUME:  I’ve told you time and time again, Mr. President, I was not in The Waltons.

OBAMA (said very quickly):  FoxNewssucks!!!

BRIT HUME:  Excuse me?

OBAMA (looking all around):  What?  Did you hear something?

BRIT HUME:  Mr. President…now that you have been in the office for over 18 months, how would you say you’re doing?

OBAMA:  Well…I will say the Bush Administration is responsible for our job losses, our debt, our spending and our economic malaise.

BRIT HUME:  And what has the Obama Administration been responsible for?

OBAMA:  My economic stimulus has created millions of jobs!

BRIT HUME:  Fantastic.  And it only cost a trillion dollars to lower the unemployment rate from 10% to 9.8%.  And thousands of companies are still outsourcing jobs to Asia.  What happened to tax benefits for those companies who keep the jobs in America?  And penalties for those companies who continue to outsource?

OBAMA:  Well…I was busy appointing the first Latina to the Supreme Court!

BRIT HUME:  Why the need to point out her race?  Are you saying you only nominated her because she wasn’t white, black or Asian?

OBAMA:  I…uh…got my health care reform passed!

BRIT HUME:  And what non-biased studies have shown that that will be a good thing for this country?

OBAMA:  There’s the success of the Iraq surge.

BRIT HUME:  Which…you, uh…voted against.

OBAMA:  Which I voted against.  Whatever!  Could someone please escort Jim Bob out of here?

BRIT HUME:  Mr. President!

OBAMA:  Goodnight, Jim Bob!  (Everyone laughs as Secret Service escorts BRIT HUME out of the room.)

OLBERMANN:  Fox News sucks!

OBAMA:  Seriously!  Fox News is barred from any future press conferences of mine!  Now then, who wants to kiss my ass first?

(WOLF BLITZER, GLORIA BORGER, CHRIS MATTHEWS, RACHEL MADDOW and others jump to their feet and raise their hands like school kids.  OLBERMANN, as usual, is the loudest.)

OLBERMANN:  Give me another chance, Mr. President!  I just bought an entire case of Chapstick!  Please let me kiss it again!!!

 

OR… “SO THESE 2 TWITS WALK INTO A BAR…”

From the Iron Hill Brewery in West Chester, PA.  We see JIM and BOB sitting at an outside table.  The two were best of friends in college and into their early 30s.  BOB’s job took him to Ohio and though the two have stayed in touch periodically, they haven’t seen one another in five years.  A wedding has brought BOB back to West Chester for this very weekend.

 

JIM: Look at you, dude!  You haven’t aged a day in five years!

BOB:  Uh…I had a full head of hair five years ago.

JIM:  And I’m sure that hair is lying on the ground somewhere…still looking young!

BOB:  It’s great to see you, buddy.  How’s Carol?

JIM:  Good!  We…

BOB:  Sorry, hold on.  (BOB reaches into his pocket and pulls out his vibrating Blackberry.)  Hello?  Hey Connie.  Yeah, I’m with him now.  Connie says hi.

JIM:  Tell her I said…

BOB:  Jim says hi, sweetheart!  You still going out with your sisters?  OK, great.  I’ll see you in a few hours.  Love you!  Bye!  Sorry about that.  So how’s Carol?

JIM:  She’s good.  We…oh, sorry.  (JIM reaches into his pocket and pulls out his vibrating Blackberry.)  Hey Doug!  Guess what?  You’re not going to believe who I’m having lunch with!  No.  No.  No.  Guess again.  No.  No, it’s Bob!  Bob Sanders!  Yeah!  Five years!  Hey, it’s Doug.

BOB:  Doug Worthing?  Tell him I said…

JIM:  Bob says hi.  What’s up?  Yeah, I’m all set for the draft.  We still having it at Ron’s tonight?  Cool.  What time?  OK.  Yeah, I’m bringing beer.  What?  I thought I was picking third?  I’m picking fifth?

(BOB takes out his Blackberry and begins to text.)

JIM:  OK, that’s fine.  I probably just read it wrong.  OK, see ya then!  Sorry about that, Bob.  So, how’ve you been?  How are things in Columbus?

BOB (talking while texting):  I’m in Akron.  Good.  Job’s good.  Hey, would you like to follow me on Twitter?

JIM:  Huh?

BOB:  I’m on it now.  I follow like 500 people on Twitter.  It’s great.  Whenever anyone has a thought or comment, you post it so everyone can read it.  I follow a bunch of celebrities.  I follow Lance Armstrong.  I got to read his comments during the Tour de France.  It was great.

JIM:  Why would I care what Lance Armst—

BOB:  Hold on.  (He answers his Blackberry.)  Hello?  Scott?  Hey buddy!  No, I’m in PA for a wedding this weekend.  Aw, nuts!  I forgot about poker night!

JIM (he answers his Blackberry):  Hello?  Hey, Steve.  Yeah, we’re still on for Ron’s tonight for the draft.

BOB:  …if you just call Rich, I’m sure he can fill in for me.  Know what?  I’ll text him right now to see if he’s free and I’ll call ya back.

JIM:  …which is why I thought I was picking third.  Doug just told me I’m picking fifth?  What?  You’re picking third??

(BOB is texting while JIM still blabs on his Blackberry.)

JIM:  I need to find that email.  I swear I was picking third!

(BOB dials his Blackberry.)

BOB:  Scott?  I just heard from Rich.  He can fill in for me tonight.  OK, great.  I’ll call ya when I get back.

JIM:  …doesn’t really matter.  Look, I’ll see ya tonight.  Sorry about that, Bob.  So you were saying you follow Lance Armstrong on Twitter.

BOB:  Yeah, look.  Here’s one of his Tweets while he was on the Tour de France:  “Really tired today.”  Isn’t that cool?  And I also follow Warren Buffett, the billionaire.  He just sent a text:  “I’m thinking takeout tonight.  Any suggestions?”  I mean, Warren Buffett!  I’m going to suggest Chinese.

JIM:  Sorry.  Hello?  Yo Jack!  How are ya?  Yeah, we’re thinking of going over to the swim club later…

BOB (reading his Blackberry):  Ha!  Ashton Kutcher just Tweeted that he hasn’t shaved in three days!  That’s awesome!  I’m so glad I follow him!

JIM:  …Hill Brewery with an old friend of mine.  Haven’t seen him in years!

BOB (texting):  “Hey, Mr. Buffett.  Do you like sushi?”

JIM:  It’s so great catching up with him!  Do you know we haven’t seen in each other in five years?  We have so much to talk about!

THE ADVENTURES OF ASS-MAN

 

On a dare from his drunken buddies, Steve Maycock of Wallingford, CT undergoes plastic surgery to have his face replaced with his ass.  When he awoke the next morning and realized that the operation was irreversible, Steve Maycock became ASS-MAN, the Man Who Literally Talks Out His Ass.

 

THIS WEEK’S EPISODE:  THE ELEVATOR BUTTON PUSHER

(It is the 2010 Connecticut Society of Proctologists Convention in the Crowne Plaza Hotel in downtown Hartford.  Dr. Jonas Felton has just checked in and has made his way to the elevators.  He pushes the UP button which immediately illuminates.  We see Dr. Felton slowly rocking back and forth on his feet as he waits for an elevator to arrive.  Thirty seconds later, ASS-MAN arrives in cheeky fashion with his “Twilight: Eclipse” duffel bag.  Dr. Felton is alarmed by ASS-MAN’s horrid looks.)

 

FELTON:  Good Lord!

ASS-MAN:  I’d like to think so.  If not, then I suppose we’re all damned for eternity.

 

(ASS-MAN proceeds to push the illuminated elevator button.  Dr. Felton silently seethes as ASS-MAN sings to himself.)

 

ASS-MAN:  Brandy, you’re a fine girl!  What a gooood wife you would be!  Such a fine girl!  Sorry, my voice always cracks on that line.  I suppose that’s bound to happen when one sings from a crack.  Heh, heh!

FELTON:  You do realize that the elevator button was already pushed.

ASS-MAN:  Sorry?

FELTON:  The elevator button was lit.  I had already pushed it.

ASS-MAN:  So? 

FELTON:  What was the point pushing the button when it’s already been pushed?

ASS-MAN:  It’ll make the elevator get down here faster.  But my life, my love and my lay-day…is the see-ee-ee…

(ASS-MAN pushes the button again.)

FELTON:  Seriously?

ASS-MAN:  Makes it go faster.

FELTON:  Is that a wise crack?

ASS-MAN:  And he starts with the butt jokes!

FELTON:  Sir, I already took the time to push the UP button.  It’s already lit.  You can see that.  What sort of psychological or micro-managing force allows you to walk in here and push it again?

ASS-MAN:  I admit I am a bit anal.

FELTON:  I bet you repeatedly bang on the “Walk” button for pedestrians at intersections.

ASS-MAN:  Sure I do.  Makes it go faster.

FELTON:  You ever press the UP and DOWN buttons at the same time?  I can’t stand it when people push them both together. Sure it’ll get an elevator there faster but it won’t speed up the one traveling in the direction you want to go.

ASS-MAN:  At night…when the bars close down…and Brandy walks through a silent town…

FELTON:  When there are people already on the stopped elevator they all wonder why no one is getting on!  In the meantime, you just stand outside the elevator looking in at them.  

ASS-MAN:  And loves a man…who’s not around…she still can hear him say…

FELTON:  And then there are the people who get on elevators traveling the opposite direction but press buttons for floors that the elevator won’t hit but then they get visibly frustrated and angry.  

ASS-MAN:  I like to rush onto the elevator while everyone’s trying to get out.

FELTON (all fired up):  This one time, I started on 9 and was headed to the lobby. Some guy gets on at 4 and presses 12. When the elevator continues down, he audibly exhales and looks at me like I did something wrong!

(ASS-MAN repeatedly presses the button now.  The UP arrow above the elevator door illuminates, we hear a “bing!” and the doors open.)

ASS-MAN:  See?  Got here faster.  She hears him say, “Bran-day!  You’re a fine girl!  What a gooood wife you would be!  Such a fine girl!”

FELTON:  You’re an ass.

 

TUNE IN NEXT WEEK FOR ANOTHER EXCITING EPISODE OF THE ADVENTURES OF ASS-MAN WHEN ASS-MAN SAYS:

 

ASS-MAN:  How come no one ever wants to dance cheek to cheek with me??