From the soon-to-be published book, Communication Is History:

 

PREHISTORIC

Man:  Oog!

Woman:  Oog!

 

OLDE ENGLISH

“And if death does take me, send the hammered Mail of my armor to Higlac, return the inheritance I had from Hrethel, and he from Wayland.  Fate will unwind as it must!”

 

MIDDLE ENGLISH

Purity in body and heart may please some–as for me, I make no boast.

 

EARLY MODERN ENGLISH

ROMEO:  But soft! What light through yonder window breaks?  It is the East, and Juliet is the sun!

JULIET:  O Romeo, Romeo!  Wherefore art thou Romeo?

 

MODERN ENGLISH (1980s)

I’ll stop the world and melt with you!  You’ve seen the difference and it’s getting better all the time…

 

MODERN ENGLISH (1990s)

Man:  Dude!

Man #2:  Like, dude!

Man:  Duuuuuuude.

Man #2:  Like, no way, dude!

Man:  Way…dude.

 

MODERN ENGLISH (2000s)

Girl:  RU gng 2 the mll?

Girl #2:  OMG!

 

IN THE VERY NEAR FUTURE

Man:  Oog!

 Woman:  Oog!

From the soon-to-be published book, Set Your Phrases On Stun, a book about common phrases and their origins or meanings.  Here are a few samples…

 

“Kicked the habit.”  What the nuns did after they relaxed the dress code.

 

“The check is in the mail.”  A mail-order bride from Czechoslovakia.

 

“Ad nauseum.”  Flipping through the first 30 pages of a Cosmopolitan magazine.

 

“Two wrongs don’t make a right.”  Anonymous.  But probably first stated by one sibling to another…usually said by the sibling who committed the “first wrong.”

 

“Pro bono.”  One who favored Sonny over Cher.

 

“The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.”  Attributed to Dr. Joseph Flemington, the creator of Viagra.

 

“Cut and run.”  A favorite saying from Ethan Weinberg, a far-sighted rabbi who performed many a circumcision.

 

“There’s more than one way to skin a cat.”  Anonymous, but overheard in the kitchen of Bamboo Delight, a Chinese restaurant in Philadelphia.

 

“Physician, heal thyself.”  Attributed to the Bible.  This was the initial inspiration for Obama’s healthcare reform.

 

“Strike while the iron is hot.”  Attributed to the Dry Cleaners Union #217 in Hell’s Kitchen, NY, circa 1904.  The union leaders felt it was the opportune time to set up picket lines and demand higher wages.  No use striking after the starch was sprayed.

 

“Friends, Romans and Countrymen…lend me your ears.”  Vincent Van Gogh, who apparently said this while holding a tube of glue in one hand and duct tape in the other.  The odd thing about this statement was that Van Gogh was in Amsterdam at the time. 

 

“Walls have ears.”  First stated by a neighbor of Vincent Van Gogh at a cocktail party, when asked, “What’s the difference between Van Gogh and walls?”

 

“Alter ego.”  One of the three parts of Freud’s psychic apparatus…for a Catholic priest.

 

“East is east and west is west.”  From Timmy Langdon, age 7, of St. Louis, MO upon opening a Christmas present (a compass), in 1893.  The full phrase was actually, “East is east and west is west and north is north and south is south.”  In 1903, Timmy’s high school peers voted him “Most Likely To Bore A Party To Death.”

 

“A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.”  Coined by the English nobleman Sir Jeffrey Lippincott, hours after being stood up by the Patterson twins.

 

“I will wear my heart upon my sleeve.”  From Steven Mercer, recipient of the world’s first heart transplant.  Obviously, the operation didn’t go very well.

“Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?”  William Shakespeare, on a blind date.  Historians have guessed that the blind date was hot.  Probably one of the Patterson twins.

Dear Santa,

 

My name is Celia Murphy and I’m sure you won’t receive a letter like this from any other child in the world.  I’m sure you read millions and millions of letters each year, letters from children like me who only write to you asking for toys.  I don’t need any toys, Santa.  They wouldn’t help my brother, Jimmy. All I’m asking for this year is to be granted a wish, Santa.  Just one simple wish.  I wish that you could help my poor little brother, Jimmy.

 

You see, Santa, my brother Jimmy needs some help.  I’m afraid he’s going to die soon…because I believe I may kill him.

 

Now I know he’s only 4 years-old, but that’s no excuse for his idiotic behavior.  I try to place nice with him like my parents ask me to, but I swear to God the kid has A.D.D. or something, the way he frickin’ bounces off the walls!  You’d think he lived on red-dyed candy.  Just the other day, the little brat took my American Girl doll, duct-taped her to the radiator, melted one side of her head, then proceeded to dunk her in the toilet.  Now I ask you…

Uh, excuse me?  Who are you?

JERRY JONES:  I’m Jerry Jones, owner of the Dallas Cowboys!  You can call me Jerry, though some people call me “Skeletor” after my multiple facelifts.

CELIA:  What…what are you doing here?

JJ:  I saw your letter, sweetheart, and thought I’d stop by to see if I, Jerry Jones, could help out.

CELIA:  Didn’t I see you on the sidelines of the Eagles-Cowboys game last night?

JJ:  Yep, that was me, sweetheart.

CELIA:  And before that you were in the owner’s box.

JJ:  Correct again.  I’m Jerry Jones.  I’m everywhere. 

CELIA:  Too bad you weren’t on the field last night covering DeSean Jackson.

JJ:  Sweetheart, I’m here to tell you that I, Jerry Jones, can grant you your wish.  You want your brother to behave?  Let me speak with him.  I’ll offer him $50 million to be a better brother to you. 

CELIA:  Are you (CENSORED) kidding me? 

JJ:  I find that money solves everything.

CELIA:  Except improving the Dallas Cowboys.  Maybe if you could find some linemen that are the size of your ego, maybe then…

JJ:  Listen, sweetheart, I gotta run.  I see a TV camera off in the distance.  You think about my offer now, y’hear?

 

Dear Santa,

 

Sorry for the interruption.  I now have a new Christmas wish.  I wish you could help Jerry Jones find some humility or maybe even a clue because the lousy sonofabitch is ruining my beloved Dallas Cowboys!!!

 

From today’s episode of the hit North Pole soap opera, Guiding Northern Lights:

 

(We see FROSTY THE SNOWMAN lying on a couch beside DR. MADELF, the North Pole’s favorite quack.)

MADELF:  So, what’s troubling you today, Frosty?

FROSTY:  Not sure what it is, Doc.  It’s just that when I wake up in the morning…my…my sheets are soaked!

MADELF:  Sounds like you’re having wet dreams.  Perhaps you’re going through puberty.

FROSTY:  Ain’t that the exit just before Hoboken?

(With melodramatic music in the background, the door flies open.  We see MRS. CLAUS standing in the doorway, dressed rather provocatively.)

FROSTY:  Wow, Mrs. C, you’re dressed pravoca—provac—provolone—er—real nice!

MRS. CLAUS:  Hello……………Frosty.

MADELF:  Mrs. Claus?

MRS. CLAUS:  Don’t be coy with me, Dr. Madelf!  You know my divorce was finalized yesterday!  I am no longer Mrs. Claus!

MADELF:  I still can’t believe it.

MRS. CLAUS:  I left him…for you, Frosty!

FROSTY:  Me?

(MRS. CLAUS throws herself at FROSTY.)

MRS. CLAUS:  Frosty!  Don’t you know how much I love you?  You’re such a jolly, happy soul.  You…with that corncob pipe and that button nose…and those eyes…those eyes!

FROSTY:  You serious?  I thought you had a thing for Rudolph?

MRS. CLAUS:  I’ve had enough of his silly reindeer games.  Let’s run and have some fun before you melt away!

FROSTY:  You don’t have to ask me twice!

(FROSTY picks up MRS. CLAUS who delightfully squeals in his arms.  We hear “thumpety thump thump, thumpety thump thump” from FROSTY.)

MRS. CLAUS:  Listen to that heartbeat of yours!

(FROSTY looks down at his pants.)

FROSTY:  Yeah……….that was my heart.  Sure.

(The camera pans to behind FROSTY and MRS. CLAUS and we now see a disheveled SANTA standing in the doorway.  He’s wearing his red suit and holding what is presumably his sack of toys.  MRS. CLAUS gasps and FROSTY drops her.)

SANTA:  You………..naughty, naughty whore!

MRS. CLAUS:  Back off, Kris!  The divorce is final!  I can see whoever I want!

FROSTY:  Santa…I…

SANTA:  Shut up, snowman.  I’ll deal with you later.  So, Mrs. Claus…

MRS. CLAUS:  That’s not my name anymore!

SANTA:  You left me for this cold-hearted bastard?

FROSTY:  Cold?  This is true.  That is my very make-up.  But, technically, my parents were married.  You see…

(SANTA reaches into his sack and pulls out a blowtorch and lighter.  Within seconds he ignites the blowtorch and points it at FROSTY.)

FROSTY:  Santa!  For the love of…

SANTA:  Get out of here, snowman.  If I see your black coal eyes in the Pole again, I’ll melt your snowballs.

FROSTY:  You don’t have to tell me twice!  (FROSTY bolts.)

SANTA:  So…the ink ain’t even dry on the divorce papers and you’re ring ting ting-a-linging with Frosty, huh?

MRS. CLAUS:  It’s to make me forget…

SANTA:  Forget what?

MRS. CLAUS:  That…that I’m pregnant!

SANTA:  You…what? 

(SANTA drops the blowtorch and takes MRS. CLAUS into his arms.  As MRS. CLAUS hugs him, she eyes DR. MADELF.   With her look and the melodramatic music in the background, MADELF understands.  SANTA is not the father!  Flames from the blowtorch light the drapes and soon the room is ablaze!  SANTA kisses MRS. CLAUS passionately as we FADE TO BLACK.)

 

WHO DID MRS. CLAUS SHIMNEY DOWN THE CHIMNEY WITH?  COULD RUDOLPH BE INVOLVED SOMEHOW?  DOES DR. MADELF REALIZE HE’S NAMED AFTER A REALLY GOOD HOLIDAY BEER?  AND SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE HELL IS MRS. CLAUS’ FIRST NAME?  FIND OUT MORE ON THE NEXT EXCITING EPISODE OF GUIDING NORTHERN LIGHTS!

The photo that led to the Claus divorce...

 

The Alston household in January 2010:

DAD:  Ah, let’s all sit here on the couch and relax.

ANNIE:  Can we watch some TV, Mommy?

MOM:  Well, now that the holidays are over I’m thinking it’s a good time to see what needs to be done around the house…

BILLY:  Can we watch the last season of Lost so we’ll be caught up by the season premiere?

MOM:  OK, Billy. 

 

The Alston household in April 2010:

MOM:  I put together a “Spring To Do” list, honey.  I only have 15 items on it.  We should really paint the basement, dear.  The kids have really marked up the walls.

BILLY:  Yeah…like that dark spot on the wall next to the couch didn’t come from Uncle Larry’s sweaty forehead when you guys were playing “tackle charades” last Thanksgiving.

DAD:  Why paint it?  We’re not having any big party anytime soon.  Let’s all sit here on the couch and relax.

ANNIE:  Can we watch American Idol?

 

The Alston household in July 2010:

MOM:  That door threshold going into the garage is really beat up.  Can you replace it?

DAD:  Can’t you see I’m finally relaxing?

MOM:  The back gutter needs to be fixed, we need to clean up the kitchen pantry, the entire side of the house needs weeding and the garage is a mess.  Didn’t you say you were going to put up new shelves in there so we can organize?

ANNIE:  But you said we could watch Glee tonight!

MOM:  As long as we get these things done by Thanksgiving.  You know we’re having 25 people this year.

DAD:  Sit down!  Relax!  It’s July!

 

The Alston household in September 2010:

MOM:  I just printed a “Fall To Do” list.  There are 37 items on the list.  They include the 15 from the “Spring To Do” list.

DAD:  Last I heard Thanksgiving was still two months away.

BILLY:  And Man Vs. Food is on!

ANNIE:  C’mon, Mommy!  Sit down and relax!

DAD:  What’s the rush?

 

The Alston household in November 2010, 11 days before Thanksgiving:

DAD:  If you would stop pestering me, I can finish with this door threshold!

MOM:  You haven’t even started!  And that’s not a door threshold in your hand.  That’s the cupola above the garage!

DAD:  I thought it needed replacing.  Hope it doesn’t rain today.

MOM:  The cupola’s not even on the list!!!  Why would you replace it now??

DAD:  It broke.  (Uncomfortable pause)  It broke when I bumped into it while I was up there blowing the leaves out of the gutters.

MOM:  We don’t have a leafblower!

DAD:  Which is why my lungs are killing me! 

MOM:  And you haven’t even started the basement yet!

DAD:  Basement’s a cinch.  Needs to be painted.  Done deal.

MOM:  Have you moved the furniture to the center of the room?  Have you filled in the 200 nail holes in the trim?  Have you spackled the walls and sanded?  How are you going to finish it in time???

DAD:  Billy and Annie are going to help!

MOM:  Billy just put a hole the size of my fist in the wall trying to move the furniture!

DAD:  So I’ll spackle it!

MOM:  The gutter’s hanging off the back! 

DAD:  I’ll spackle that, too!

MOM:  I still need you to help me repaper the pantry shelves!

DAD:  Don’t even start that project!

MOM:  The shelves are out and I already ripped off the paper!

DAD:  Where’s the spackle?

BILLY:  Dad?  Annie made me spill the paint all over the basement carpet.

DAD:  WHAT?!  How did she make you do that?

BILLY:  She was flicking spackle at me and I tripped.

MOM:  And you’re tracking the paint into the kitchen???  TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF!!!

BILLY:  You should see the hole in the wall.  It’s pretty big.  Ziegfried fit in there easily.

DAD:  You placed your hamster behind the basement drywall????  Are you insane????

BILLY:  He was covered in paint…I didn’t want him walking on the carpet.

MOM:  There’s paint all over the carpet, the pantry is a disaster, the basement is a wreck, I still need to put the Christmas candles in the windows which I haven’t cleaned, we haven’t even raked the leaves in the yard, there are still 37 items on the “Multi-Seasonal To Do List” and we have 25 people coming here for Thanksgiving next week!!!!!!!!!!!!  AND WHAT IN THE NAME OF GOD HIMSELF ARE YOU DOING????????????

DAD:  Sitting on the couch.  Relaxing.  It’ll get done.  Thanksgiving isn’t here for another 11 days…

From the grand opening of Men’s Exchange, a consignment store in York, PA that offers a wide variety of household goods bought and sold on consignment.  We see its owner, BILL, standing behind the cash register. 

 

BILL:  My opening day!  How grand!

(We see DORIS and her husband REB enter.  Both appear to be in their 50s.)

BILL:  Howdy do!

REB:  Howdy do!

BILL:  Welcome to Men’s Exchange!  We help people downsize, move, un-clutter and even liquidate entire workshops.  We handle everything from pocket watches to large woodworking tools, even hunting and fishing gear. 

DORIS:  I’m interested in the exchange part.  I’d like to exchange my man for another.

BILL:  Excuse me?

REB:  Howdy do!

DORIS:  Sign on the front says “Men’s Exchange”, don’t it?  I want to exchange my man for a new one.  This one sort of petered out.

BILL:  I don’t think you understand the concept of the store, ma’am.  We’re not here to offer exchanges for…uh…

(We see MARY and her husband BART enter.  Both appear to be in their 40s.)

BART:  Howdy do!

REB:  Howdy do!

MARY:  Saw you opened today.  Finally!  I’m here to exchange my man for another.

BILL:  Uh…I was just explaining the idea of this store to this nice lady.  We’re not in the business to…

(We see seven more couples suddenly enter.  Ages range from 20s to 60s.  As all of the men are saying “Howdy do!” to one another and tipping their hunting caps; all of the women proclaim they are there to exchange their man for another.)

DORIS:  Best idea for a store I’ve ever seen.  Been looking to trade this one for years.  Couldn’t get rid of him.

MARY:  I’m not even looking for a fair exchange.  Hell, it don’t even have to be another man!  I’ll swap him for that chainsaw over there!

BILL:  Some of its parts ain’t working correctly, ma’am.

MARY:  Then it’s an even trade!  My man’s in the same condition!  He’s yours!

DORIS:  I’ll take that power washer over there!

WOMAN #3:  God bless you, sir! 

WOMAN #4:  I’ll take this fishing rod in exchange for my man.  Hell!  I don’t even fish!

WOMAN #5:  I’ll even throw in the piece of shit Chevy truck that’s been clogging up my driveway for the past 9 years!  Spends every goddamn night out there “fixing it”.  How do ya fix a truck with a beer in one hand and your other thumb up yer ass?

WOMAN #6:  I taped a few instructions and the TV remote on the back of my man.  He’s all yours now!

BILL:  Uh…ladies?

(The women grab a few things off the wall and shelves and walk out the door, leaving their husbands in the store.  Minutes later, BILL is still standing behind his cash register, surrounded by 18 men.)

BILL:  I think I need to come up with a different name for my store.

REB:  Howdy do!

All exchanges are final!

From the home of JAKE SIMMONS, 36, of Langhorne, PA, the night of 10/21/10:

 

(We see JAKE sitting alone in his family room, watching the end of Game 5 of the Phillies-Giants NLCS.  The wife and kids are asleep upstairs.)

 

JAKE:  Well, thank God the Phillies pulled that one off!  Back to Philly on Saturday!  Sweet!

(There is a KNOCK on the door.)

JAKE:  Get the hell off my door, you knock!

KNOCK:  Sorry!  (The KNOCK exits…dejected.)

(Suddenly, the doorbell rings.)

JAKE:  Who the hell would be here this late?

(JAKE answers the door.  It’s none other than ANDY REID, head coach of the Philadelphia Eagles.)

REID:  Good evening, sir.  I thought I’d…ahem…stop by to make sure…ahem…you were okay.  Ahem.  Time’s yours.

JAKE:  Andy Reid?  What the hell are you doing here?

REID:  May I…ahem…come in? 

JAKE:  Are you lost?

REID:  You see a football field around here?  You see a clipboard in my hand?  No…ahem…I’m not lost.  I’m here to…ahem…console you.

JAKE:  Uh…why?

REID:  Ahem…with the Phillies…ahem…losing…I thought I’d drop by to remind you that…ahem…the Eagles’ season isn’t over…ahem…ahem…ahem…ahem…yet.  Time’s yours.

JAKE:  But the Phillies didn’t lose.  They won, 4-2.

REID:  Ahem.  Excuse me?

JAKE:  The Phillies won, Coach!  Game 6 in Philly on Saturday!

(REID takes out a clipboard.)

REID:  You sure?  Didn’t Roy Halladay go down early?

JAKE:  Well, he left after the sixth inning.

REID:  I was assured he’d have…ahem…a “groin pull” and leave in the second.

JAKE:  Are you saying the Philadelphia Eagles attempted to pay off Roy Halladay?

REID:  What?  You think we wired Halladay $1 million to throw the game so Philadelphia sports fans would turn their full attention to the Philadelphia Eagles?  Ahem?

JAKE:  Is that what you did?!

REID:  I guess Halladay misunderstood the term “throw the game.”

JAKE:  I can’t believe this!

REID:  You got anything to eat around here?  I haven’t eaten anything since I was at your next door neighbor’s five minutes ago.  Ahem.

JAKE:  You should be ashamed of yourself!  I’m calling the media!

REID:  There’s no need for that.  What can I…ahem…do to make this up?  You got any kids?

JAKE:  Two boys.  Why?

REID:  Think maybe they could fix me a sandwich?

JAKE:  How about if you continue to start Kevin Kolb over Michael Vick?  For 12 years you’ve stated no one loses their job over an injury.  And when Vick does get healthy, stop inserting him into the offense on every other play!  And stop throwing your red flag when it’s so obvious you’re not going to win the challenge!  And how about running the ball on third and one?  And could you try saving some timeouts for when you actually need them?  And how about giving us fans some actual information in your press conferences instead of just sitting there, clearing your throat?  And put down that chicken leg!  Get out of my fridge!  GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!

REID:  You’ll be back…ahem…on the Eagles’ bandwagon Sunday.  Phillies are…ahem…going down Saturday night.  We’ll get to Roy Oswalt before the Giants do.

(JAKE rents a bulldozer and shoves REID out of his house.  REID looks in the family room window.)

REID:  Time’s yours.

From the first CCD class for the 2010-11 school year at Sts. Peter, Paul & Mary church in Dayton, OH:

 

(We see FATHER BRADLEY standing at the altar before hundreds of children and their parents who are sitting in the pews before him.  He turns on his wireless microphone.)

 

FATHER:  Good evening, everybody.  I’d like to welcome you students and parents to another year of CCD here at Sts. Peter, Paul & Mary.  It means a lot to me knowing that you’d rather send your kids to public school, but at least they can spend an hour each week learning about God from bored Catholic stay-at-home moms.  As always, I like to open up the school year with questions from the children.  Yes?

BILLY:  Father Bradley?  What does CCD mean?

FATHER:  Confraternity of Christian Doctrine.  CCD attendance is considered by Vatican officials to be vital to children’s development as Catholics. These classes not only educate you children about Jesus and the Catholic faith but prepare you to receive the sacraments of Penance, the Eucharist and Confirmation.  There’s a question in the back?

MARY:  Father, did God make man?

FATHER:  Yes.  As stated in the Book of Genesis in the Bible, God made man and woman.  These were Adam and Eve, the first couple known to have divorced.

MARY:  Well, if God made man…who made God?

FATHER:  Probably one of the three major networks.  No one’s really sure.  Yes?

TOMMY:  Does God have bulging biceps?

FATHER:  What do you mean?

TOMMY:  I remember my mommy saying that Jesus sits at the right hand of God.  That must mean God is ripped, or at least has guns for arms.  At least His right arm.

STACY:  Nuh uh!  Jesus isn’t heavy at all!

FATHER:  What do you mean?

STACY:  He walked on water, remember?  He must be light as a feather!

FATHER:  That’s true.  Jesus was known to have little or no body mass.  He wasn’t a very good football player.

MADISON:  How come we never mention God’s last name during mass?

FATHER:  His last name?

MADISON:  Yeah.  My parents mention it all the time at home.  God Dammit.

FATHER:  Ah.

MADISON:  They mention God Dammit and Jesus Christ all the time at home.  Usually when they’re angry.  I think my parents like to pray when they’re pissed off.

FATHER:  Makes sense.

JEFFREY:  Father?  Is mass suicide killing yourself in a church?

FATHER:  Yes.  Usually during Palm Sunday mass.

WENDY:  Father Bradley?  I was reading the Bible the other day and the word “begat” is in there quite a bit.  What does “begat” mean?

FATHER:  Uh…

TIMMY:  How come God did so many miracles in the old days and He doesn’t do any now? 

JOSH:  How does God love everyone in the world?  There are only four people in my family and I can’t even do that.

JUSTINE:  Could you ask God to put another major holiday between Easter and Christmas?  The Fourth of July and Halloween just ain’t cutting it.

ERIN:  Will there be toys in Heaven?  If I’m spending eternity in Heaven, there better be at least a Wii up there.

NICK:  How can God hear everyone’s prayers at once?  Does He have a Holy Secretary or an Angelic Admin Assistant or something?

CINDY:  How can God be three persons and one person at the same time?  Does He suffer from multiple personality disorder?

FATHER:  Excellent questions, my children!  But hey, look at the time!  Off to your classes!  God bless you all!  Don’t forget to come to church on Sundays!  (As everyone begins to exit, FATHER BRADLEY shuts off his microphone.)  God, I need a drink!

Come here and sit on my right hand!

 

 

Saturday morning in the home of CINDY and RON HOSKINS, both age 36, of Raytown, MO.  RON is sitting in the kitchen and looking at his laptop.

 

RON:  Nothing like sipping my morning coffee while reading the news.

CINDY:  What’s new in the world this morning, honey?

RON:  Well…Jim is about to head to Home Depot to get the materials for his bookshelf project, Debbie is off to get her nails done at that new place around the corner, Derek is really hoping someone in his fantasy league will trade him a running back and Marcy is going to meet up with an old friend for lunch today.

CINDY:  You really need a better news source than Facebook, honey.

(There is a knock at the door.  CINDY answers.  It’s JOAN, their next door neighbor.)

CINDY:  Morning, Joan!

JOAN:  Quick!  Look out your front door!

(JOAN enters and joins CINDY and RON as they open the front door and peer outside.)

RON:  It’s Rich and Tracey.  What’s wrong with Tracey?

CINDY:  Why is Rich escorting her to the car?

JOAN:  He’s taking her to the hospital.  To the ER.  Rich thinks she has FBB.

RON:  What’s that?

JOAN:  Facebook Blindness.

RON:  No!

JOAN:  Yes!

CINDY:  What is it?

JOAN:  Tracey updates her PPP for her Facebook page every day.

CINDY:  PPP?

RON:  Personal Profile Photo.  I only update mine every other day.

JOAN:  Sometimes she updates three, four times a day.  FBB is a temporary blindness from all of the camera flashes.

CINDY:  And her mouth is twisted in a horrible grimace!

JOAN:  Frozen that way from all of the phony smiles for her repeatedly updated profile photos.

RON:  You always have to smile for their Facebook PPP.  Show your long lost friends that you are beyond happy.  Or if it’s a photo from a distance, you have to have a landmark in the background.  My current PPP is of the two of us standing in front of the Roman Coliseum.

CINDY:  Huh?  We’ve never been to the Roman Coliseum!  We’ve never been to Rome!

RON:  Photoshop and my loser high school friends will never know the difference.  They think I’m an international chef.

CINDY:  You don’t even know how to cook!

JOAN:  Look…Tracey has a camera in her hand.  She’s still taking pictures of herself as Rich puts her in the car.  How self-absorbed can you get?

CINDY:  I hope this teaches you a lesson, Ron!  You’re spending way too much time on that stupid Facebook!  Try watching the news…or reading a newspaper…

RON:  A what?

CINDY:  Get outside and get a life!

RON:  You’re right, honey!  I am spending way too much time on Facebook.  (He takes out his Blackberry.)

CINDY:  Now what are you doing?

RON:  Now I’ll get my news from Twitter!  Look!  Gwyneth Paltrow is on the Master Cleanse diet and Ashton Kutcher is cheating on Demi Moore!  Oooooooooh!

COMING SOON TO A THEATER NEAR YOU…

 

(We see LINDA and JOHN asleep in a bed.  JOHN is snoring lightly.  Suddenly, we hear a flutter sound.  This is followed quickly by another flutter.  Now an even louder flutter.  LINDA and JOHN open their eyes.)

 

LINDA:  Did you hear that flutter?

JOHN:  I thought it was a flap.

LINDA:  Sort of like a flicker.

JOHN:  Possibly a flurry?

LINDA:  Maybe a…uh…I can’t think of any other noise words that start with F and L…

(Just then something small lands on LINDA’s nose.  Her eyes cross to look down upon it.  She screams and jumps out of bed.)

LINDA:  John!  Did you see that?

JOHN:  Yes!  My God!  What was it?

VOICEOVER:  A normal family in a normal household…

LINDA:  It just flew by my ear!  John, what was it?

JOHN:  I…I don’t know.

VOICEOVER:  …but this fall, there is nothing normal in this household…

(A scream is heard down the hall.)

LINDA:  That was Jill!  Our daughter!

JOHN:  My God!  I’ve never heard her scream like that!

LINDA:  I thought it was more of a shriek.  Or a screech.

JOHN:  Maybe a shout, perhaps?

VOICEOVER:  This fall, terror has a new name…

(We see JILL, age 9 or 10, so hard to tell kids’ ages these days in Hollywood.  She walks numbly into the bedroom.  Something…some THINGS…are on her face!!!)

JILL:  Mom…Dad?  Help…me!

LINDA:  Jill!!!

JOHN:  My God!  When did you develop acne?

JILL:  Huh?

JOHN:  Acne…that moves!!!

(JILL and LINDA scream.  We hear the flutter sounds again as the small things now fly around the room.  Just then a window shade flies open and we see the small things crawling all over the window.  The camera zooms in on JILL’s horrified face as she points to the window.)

JILL:  Stiiiiiiink buggggggggeeeeeeees!

JOHN:  My God!

VOICEOVER:  This fall, there is a new smell of terror.  STINK BUG! starring George Clooney as John…

JOHN:  Look at me smirk while I gather up the stink bugs with toilet paper.  Here!  Got another one.

VOICEOVER:  Reese Witherspoon as Linda, his wife…

LINDA:  Ha!  I crushed another stink bug with my chin!

VOICEOVER:  Lindsay Lohan, trying to recapture her cute, sober youth, as Jill…

JILL:  Listen, you two keep killing those stink bugs while I go visit my probationary officer, ‘kay?

VOICEOVER:  And Samuel L. Jackson as Flint McBlack the Exterminator…because Samuel L. Jackson stars in every other movie anyway…

McBLACK:  Enough is enough!  I’ve had it with these m*****f*****g stink bugs in this m*****f*****g house!

VOICEOVER:  This fall, there is no escape from STINK BUG!

LINDA:  They’re really not all that bad.  They’re just…all over the place!

JOHN:  Look how I smirk at everything you say.  Someone should just make a movie of me just standing around…smirking.  Cary Grant never smirked like this.

LINDA:  Also, come see me in my other new movie, “Legally Blonde 3:  Blonde, James Blonde.”  Yeah, you know you wanted another Legally Blonde movie.

McBLACK:  If my answers frighten you then you should cease asking scary questions.

JILL:  God, I need a drink.

McBLACK:  Hamburgers.  The cornerstone of any nutritious breakfast.

VOICEOVER:  This fall, come see the movie that really stinks.  STINK BUG!