I’M THINKING SANDY

 

I’m thinking ice

In my iced tea,

I’m thinking sandy.

I’m thinking lotion

And the ocean,

Salt-water candy.

I’m thinking buckets and shovels

And clear blue skies,

And brilliant sand castles,

Matched by greenhead flies.

I’m thinking low tide ebbs

And boardwalk feet,

Jingle! Jingle! Ice Cream Man!

His parked bike in the street.

I’m thinking coconut scented suntans,

And umbrella beach chairs,

Seagulls

SCREECHING!

Stinging jellyfish

BEWARE!

I’m thinking good times only,

Days sweet like candy,

Sometimes life’s too good,

 I’m thinking sandy.

The Hideous Hunting Accident

 

(SCENE:  We see Inspector Now standing over the body of the burly man in the snow.  Standing beside the inspector is the dead man’s wife, Joyce Lovejoy, followed by Officer Truman and the neighbor Mark Harrison.)

 

JOYCE:  I can’t believe I shot my husband!

INSPECTOR NOW:  Tell me how it happened, Mrs. Lovejoy.

JOYCE:  We were hunting, Donald and I.  We always loved to hunt.  We like to hunt lions and tigers and bears.

INSPECTOR NOW:  Oh my!  Lions and tigers and bears?

JOYCE:  Yes, I just said that.  We like to hunt with guns and ammo and knives.

INSPECTOR NOW:  Oh my!  Guns and ammo and knives?

JOYCE:  Yes, we’re Republican.  Anyway, Donald and I were separated, and within minutes I shot him.  Just blasted away.  I must have thought he was a bear.  Or a woodchuck with a glandular problem.

INSPECTOR NOW:  Hmmm.  You’re quite a good shot, Mrs. Lovejoy.  You happened to plug your husband right between the eyes.

JOYCE:  Just lucky, I guess. 

INSPECTOR NOW:  Was this your husband’s first hunting accident?

JOYCE:  His first fatal one.  Once, when we were hunting for an apartment, Donald spilled his coffee in his lap.  He had to pee sitting down for the rest of his life…but still rarely hit the toilet. 

INSPECTOR NOW:  And you are Mr. Harrison, the Lovejoy’s neighbor?

MARK:  Yes.  Ever since I moved in next door, coincidentally.

INSPECTOR NOW:  Did you see anything?

MARK:  Yes.  I was in my study, minding my own business…

INSPECTOR NOW:  You’re a private man?

MARK:  No, I was minding my own business.  I run an antique shop from my study.  I’m thinking of selling the business because it’s getting old.  But then I’d lose my study.  Anyway, I was crunching numbers…

INSPECTOR NOW:  Strange hobby.

MARK:  To some.  I was chewing on a four digit number and the comma got stuck in my teeth, when I heard a scream.  I looked out my window and saw Mrs. Lovejoy standing over Mr. Lovejoy’s dead body.

INSPECTOR NOW:  You looked out your study window?

MARK:  Yes.

INSPECTOR NOW:  I see.  Officer Truman?  Please arrest Mrs. Lovejoy for the murder of her husband, Donald Lovejoy!

 

What makes Inspector Now think Mrs. Lovejoy blatantly murdered her own husband?

 

INSPECTOR NOW:  Quite obvious, really.  Mr. Harrison could not have seen anything out his study window.  Not only is the window shade pulled down, Mr. Harrison’s house is three miles away! 

JOYCE:  That doesn’t prove anything!

MARK:  It proves that my optometrist kicks ass.

INSPECTOR NOW:  You have been having an affair with Mark Harrison, Mrs. Lovejoy.

JOYCE:  Not true!  We’re just friends with benefits.

INSPECTOR NOW:  I searched your husband’s pockets.  I found this note written in Mr. Harrison’s handwriting.  “Dear Donald, I am Mark Harrison, the man who runs an antique shop in his study.  Not only do I live three miles away, I am having an affair with your wife, Joyce.  I hope we can remain friends on Facebook.  Sincerely, Mark Harrison.  P.S.  Please let me know if you ever need any numbers crunched.” 

MARK:  That doesn’t prove anything.  What if I told you I was forced to write that letter at gunpoint?

INSPECTOR NOW:  What if you did tell me that?

MARK:  I don’t know.  You tell me.

INSPECTOR NOW:  This case is solved.  Mrs. Lovejoy will spend the rest of her life behind bars…

JOYCE:  I hope it’s McGillicuddy’s Pub.  My friends could sneak out some beers to me.

 OFFICER TRUMAN:  Don’t I get any lines in this stupid skit?  Could I at least get reimbursed for mileage?

From the Landry household in Towson, MD on 6/8/11.  We see Billy Landry and his friend Dolly Wingate, both 10 years of age, playing in the family room.  Billy is naked from the waist down and Dolly is completely nude.  She’s on her knees staring at Billy’s crotch when Mr. Landry walks in.

LANDRY:  My God!  What the hell are you two doing???

BILLY:  Playing “American Politics”, Dad.

LANDRY:  Why are you two naked???

DOLLY:  We’re playing “American Politics”, Mr. Landry.

LANDRY:  Dolly, please, get dressed.  Billy, for the love of God, put your shorts back on.

BILLY:  But we’re in the middle of a game!  “American Politics”!  Everyone at school’s been playing.

DOLLY:  It’s fun!

LANDRY:  I don’t understand how getting naked like this has anything to do with our politicians.

BILLY:  You don’t?  Well, I’m pretending to be Anthony Weiner…

DOLLY:  And I’m one of the congressman’s whores.

BILLY:  Last week I was Weiner’s colleague, Chris Lee, the guy who sent a shirtless photo of himself to a woman he met on Craigslist.

DOLLY:  I was pretending to be Chris Lee’s bitch.

BILLY:  We all look up to Bill Clinton, of course, who was putting the coals to that intern.

DOLLY:  Yeah, that was fun!  But boy, my knees hurt after that game!

BILLY:  Not to be outdone, former House speaker Newt Gingrich was carrying on an extramarital affair while pursuing Clinton’s impeachment!

DOLLY:  And there was the week you pretended to be Governor Eliot Spitzer of New York and current senator David Vitter of Louisiana who both suffered from the delusion that they could hire prostitutes and avoid detection.

BILLY:  And you pretended to be their stupid, doormat wives who stood by their men.

LANDRY:  Yeah, but…

BILLY:  And there’s still so much more to do!  There’s former senator John Ensign of Nevada who had an affair with the wife of his close friend…

DOLLY:  Arnold Schwarzenegger who fathered a child with a household staffer and kept it secret until he left office…

BILLY:  And then the biggest scumbag of all, John Edwards!  We can spend an entire month on him!

DOLLY:  Fathering a child with a presidential campaign videographer and then pressured an aide to claim parentage and an elderly donor to pay hush money…

BILLY:  …all while his wife was dying of cancer!

DOLLY:  What an asshole!

BILLY:  But what an American politician! 

LANDRY:  Okay, I get it.  But I want you two to get dressed now and play something else!

BILLY:  Okay.  Sheesh.  (Mr. Landry walks out of the room.  Billy looks at Dolly.)  Hey, before we get dressed, wanna play “The Kennedy White House”?

DOLLY:  You got it!!!  I’ll be Marilyn Monroe!

For those who like to read their daily horoscope in 5 seconds…

ARIES:  Today is a perfect day to pretend that you are a king.  Start by sitting on the throne. 

TAURUS:  You decide to start a new diet today, the new “Donkey Diet.”  Donkey meat may be high in protein and low in fat, but it is never good to eat the ass whole.

GEMINI:  You decide to be cute at work today by imitating Kermit the Frog when you say, “Heigh ho!” to your female admin assistant.  Unfortunately, your admin assistant never watched The Muppet Show and thinks you just called her a whore.  Have your lawyer’s phone number on speed dial today.

CANCER:  If you are a male, today is a good day to try a new form of exercise…penis push-ups.  Take it easy at first, because after just a few it will get hard.

LEO:  You like to psychoanalyze your friends even though you have no real life experience.  In return, your friends psychoanalyze you and charge it to your credit card.  You decide to psychoanalyze your cat after it leaves you a nasty surprise in the basement corner.  This is troubling because you remember you don’t have a cat so, therefore, who left the nasty surprise in the basement corner?  Your lucky number today is 397.

VIRGO:  You feel extremely paranoid today.  It might have something to do with the fact that your wife is sleeping with another man…in your bed…next to you.  Fortunately, this man says he’ll run out for coffee so the day is saved.  Unfortunately, he chooses Starbucks over Dunkin’ Donuts and as you point out to him that you actually like Dunkin’ Donuts better than Starbucks “cause Starbucks coffee tastes burnt”, your wife screams at you.  “This is why I’m leaving you!” she wails.  “I always thought you liked Wawa coffee best!”  As you two argue, the man excuses himself to the corner of your basement.

LIBRA:  Today is a good day to hit the road.  Unfortunately, the road turns out to be harder than first imagined, so you’ll spend most of the day in the ER getting a cast for your arm.

SCORPRIO:  You find that it’s not easy to follow in your father’s footsteps.  For one thing, he’s faster than you and second, he hates having you shadow him all day.  Your lucky word today is “inadequate.”    

SAGITTARIUS:  You wake up with a feeling that you just got screwed.  Coincidentally, your ass hurts.  You decide to coin your own words but you run out of pennies.  You point out to your friends that you can pick your nose and your friends at the same time…but soon you are only left with your nose.

CAPRICORN:  You decide to clean your entire house today with a toothbrush but then you have no idea how to clean the toothbrush afterwards.  You spend most of the afternoon channel surfing trying to find The Oprah Winfrey Show.  You spend your evening opening and shutting your refrigerator door, trying to trick the damn light inside.

AQUARIUS:  Your problem today isn’t eating fast food, it’s eating food fast.  Make sure you have plenty of Tums on hand.   Also make sure it’s your hand.

PISCES:  You wake up with an indescribable desire to find out the difference between a café latté and a café au lait.  You think Chock Full O’Nuts is a funny name for coffee.  It is a good day to wear parachute pants, but not while jumping out of a plane.  You are nostalgic about the 1990s because that was the last time you could get away with walking around naked.

How family practices make money these days…

MONDAY

PATIENT:  I’m here to see the doctor.

RECEPTIONIST:  Dr. Livingston, I presume?

PATIENT:  Yes, he’s the one.

RECEPTIONIST:  Any changes with your coverage?

PATIENT:  No.

RECEPTIONIST:  That’ll be a $25 co-pay, Mrs. Saunders.  Thank you.  Have a seat.  The doctor will see you shortly.

(Sometime shortly thereafter…)

DOCTOR:  Good morning, Mrs. Saunders.  Here for your annual check-up?

PATIENT:  Yes, Dr. Livingston.

DOCTOR:  Excellent!  This is my assistant, Dr. Mekah.  He will do the check-up and then I’ll stop back in for any questions you may have.

(One check-up later…)

DOCTOR:  Everything okay?

PATIENT:  Yes.  Well…Dr. Mekah could use a nail clipper.

DOCTOR:  You know, Mrs. Saunders, we haven’t checked your cholesterol in nearly a year.  Let’s have you come back another day and we’ll draw some blood.

PATIENT:  Why don’t we do it now?

DOCTOR:  You need to…uh…fast for 12 hours before we can draw blood for checking cholesterol.

PATIENT:  I haven’t eaten in 14…

DOCTOR:  We’ll need to do it another day. 

 

ANOTHER DAY

PATIENT:  I’m here to see the doctor.

RECEPTIONIST:  Any changes with your coverage?

PATIENT:  No.

RECEPTIONIST:  That’ll be a $25 co-pay, Mrs. Saunders.  Thank you.  Have a seat.  The doctor will see you shortly.

(Sometime shortly thereafter…)

DOCTOR:  Good morning, Mrs. Saunders.  Let’s draw that blood!

 

3 DAYS LATER

(Phone rings)

PATIENT:  Hello?

RECEPTIONIST:  Hello, Mrs. Saunders?  Your results are in.

PATIENT:  Excellent.  How are my numbers?

RECEPTIONIST:  Dr. Livingston would like to discuss them with you in person.

PATIENT:  I’m very busy.  How about if you hand the doctor the phone and he can tell me now?

RECEPTIONIST:  How is 9AM tomorrow for you to come in?

PATIENT:  How about if he takes 30 seconds to tell me my results over the phone right now?  I have a job and…

RECEPTIONIST:  9AM tomorrow it is!

 

9AM TOMORROW

PATIENT:  I’m here to see the doctor.

RECEPTIONIST:  Any changes with your coverage?

PATIENT:  You know damn well I haven’t had any changes.

RECEPTIONIST:  That’ll be a $25 co-pay, Mrs. Saunders.  Thank you.  Have a seat.  The doctor will see you shortly.

(Sometime shortly thereafter…)

DOCTOR:  Good morning, Mrs. Saunders.  Your cholesterol numbers are fine!

(Pause)

PATIENT:  And?

DOCTOR:  And what?

PATIENT:  And you couldn’t have told me that on the phone yesterday??

DOCTOR:  Mrs. Saunders…I couldn’t share that information over a telephone.

PATIENT:  What information?  That my numbers are “fine”?!

DOCTOR:  How would I know if I were speaking to the actual Mrs. Saunders?

PATIENT:  Because I would have shared with you that I’ve had to pay $75 in co-pay in which you’re charging my insurance company another $150 a pop for pretty much my annual check-up!

DOCTOR:  I think you need this here prescription for Xanax.

PATIENT:  Get outta my face!

(She storms out.  As she’s about to enter her car, she realizes she left her cell phone in the patient room so she hurries back in to the receptionist area.)

PATIENT:  I left my cell phone back there.

RECEPTIONIST:  Any changes with your coverage?

PATIENT:  Excuse me?

RECEPTIONIST:  That’ll be a $25 co-pay, Mrs. Saunders.

PATIENT:  I left my cell phone back there!  Let me through!

RECEPTIONIST:  $25 co-pay, Mrs. Saunders…or you’ll never see your cell phone again…

TODAY’S MODERN FAMILY PRACTICE: 

WHERE THE PATIENT LEARNS HOW TO BEND OVER AT EVERY VISIT!!!

Movies that could have ended in five minutes.  This week’s episode…

RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK

(Sound of iconic Indiana Jones theme and we see Indy and Eddie Murphy’s butler from “Trading Places”, what the hell was his name?  Uh, Brody?  Marcus Brody, right!  We see Indy and Marcus talking to those 2 Army Intelligence agents on Indy’s college campus.)

AGENT #1:  We know the Nazis are looking for the Ark of the Covenant in Egypt.

INDY:  The Ark of the Covenant?!

AGENT #1:  Did I stutter?

BRODY:  If the Nazis obtain the Ark of the Covenant, Hitler’s armies will be invincible! 

AGENT #2:  My God!  If they’re invisible, they’ll be able to conquer the world!

BRODY:  Invincible…as in the Mark Wahlberg movie where he played a Philadelphia Eagle whom no one outside of the Delaware Valley knew or cared about.

AGENT  #2:  Oh.  (Pause)  I liked that movie.

AGENT #1:  You need to stop the Nazis, Professor Jones.  But first you’ll need to go to Nepal so you can meet up with some alcoholic ex-tart of yours and get the headpiece to the Staff of Ra so you can find out exactly where the Well of Souls is located in Egypt. 

INDY:  Huh?

AGENT #1:  We’ll get to see you travel all around the world, get into some cool fights, burn down a bar, run into some snakes to show your vulnerability…it’ll be great.

INDY:  Or…

AGENT #2:  Or what?

INDY:  Or I could do nothing.

BRODY:  What??

INDY:  If the Nazis don’t have the headpiece to the Staff of Ra, they’ll never know where the Well of Souls is so they’ll be digging in the wrong place!  If I go butting my nose in this, I’ll probably start digging myself in the right place, the Nazis will catch me and they’ll have the Ark of the Covenant after all of my hard work.  Screw that.

AGENT #1:  But…

INDY:  I say I do nothing.  This way, they’ll never find it.  Or…even if they somehow get lucky and do find the damn thing, they’ll bring it back to Germany, probably have one of their ridiculous military parades, followed by a ceremony in which they’ll open it in front of Hitler and his fellow Nazi leaders.  My prediction is that whatever is in the Ark will come out and melt the f***in’ skin off their f***in’ Nazi skulls! 

AGENT #2:  What makes you think that would happen?

INDY:  Think about it.  The Nazis are looking for a Jewish Biblical artifact to help them conquer the world??  Don’t you think the Jewish God, of all gods for crying out loud, would do everything in His power to stop the Nazis?  By doing nothing, we will have completely destroyed Hitler and Nazi Germany in 1936!  No concentration camps, no World War II, hell…no friggin’ Sound of Music!  Boo yah!!!

BRODY:  What up, yo’?

 (Sound of Indiana Jones theme music as end credits roll.  TUNE IN NEXT WEEK FOR THE FIVE MINUTE VERSION OF “GONE WITH THE WIND.”)

• People who say, “You’re so funny” after any little thing you say.  Why are they saying that instead of laughing?
• People who explain something to you then end by asking, “Does that make sense?”  No, it doesn’t.  I’m an idiot.
• People who text…while I’m talking to them!
• People who text.
• People who start every other sentence with “Actually…”
• People who are addicted to Facebook.  By addiction, I mean adding new pictures or comments every 5 minutes!  Your life is just…not…that…interesting to the rest of us! 
• Jerk drivers who ignore yield signs.  I have the right of way, ya jackass!
• Women who complain about men leaving the toilet seat up.
• The way people walk in flip-flops.
• Flip-flops.
• People who text while walking in flip-flops.
• Jerks who take up 2 parking spaces.
• Parents who give their kids weird names.  “This is our daughter, Rhys Drazel and our son, Bracken.”
• People who constantly clear their throats.
• People who constantly say, “You need to think outside the box.”  What box?  Is it a breadbox?  What the hell is a breadbox, anyway?  Why can’t I think inside a box?  Maybe it’s cozier in the box.  Maybe…if I’m in a box…I wouldn’t be distracted by the outside world so I’d be able to think more clearly.
• People who leave you a 5-minute voicemail then don’t leave their friggin’ phone number!!!
• Jerk drivers in the lane next to you at red lights who slowly creep forward until the light turns green.  What?  Is this your own personal NASCAR?
• Fellow employees who show up to work sick and act like they deserve a friggin’ badge for doing so then all they do is sneeze and cough all over the place and they’re making the rest of us sick and they don’t give a crap because they’re already sick and you secretly believe they really just wanted to come to work to make the rest of us sick.
• Run-on sentences.
• People who throw cigarette butts on the ground.  And then they post pictures of their cigarette butts on Facebook and ask if you’d like to play some stupid farm game or something.
• People who use the word “like” like it’s like totally going out of style.
• How much louder TV commercials are than the actual TV shows. 
• When you sit down on the toilet, thanking God you made it just in time, and you notice there’s no toilet paper!
• People who cash your check months after you give it to them.
• How friggin’ hard it is to open a new CD.
• People who continually interrupt then claim that you “always try to get in the last word”!
•  When you’re in a conference and you suddenly get a major itch in your ass and you can’t scratch it because you’re sitting near the front and your within view of the CEO and CIO and CIA and FBI and whatever and you really need to scratch that itch so you break out in a sweat so now you’re wet and itchy and you probably smell bad and you probably walk in flip-flops and text while people talk to you and you probably clear your throat incessantly because you probably smoke while driving.  So annoying!

February 10, 2007…when Barack Obama announced his candidacy for the presidency of the United States:

OBAMA:  …in the shadow of the Old State Capitol, where Lincoln once called on a divided house to stand together, where common hopes and common dreams still live, I stand before you today to announce my candidacy for president of the United States of America!  Yes, we can, America!  Yes, we can!

(We hear the roar of the crowd as they cheer their approval.  The sound of heavenly singing can be heard from above as the clouds in the sky part, revealing God’s approval in the form of his angelic choir.  The planet itself stops spinning on its axis for one glorified minute, as Mother Earth reveals her endorsement.  All seems right in the world as this senator from Illinois, this beacon of change and hope and anti-establishment and anti-Washington, stands before his fellow Americans and announces his presidency.  There hasn’t been this much excitement for a presidential candidate since John F. Kennedy in 1960.  Surely this man, this ray of hope, will bring about the necessary change in the vastly corrupt and stagnant political arena of our nation’s capital!  He’ll bring our troops home from Iraq and Afghanistan!  He’ll get this country back on track!  God bless you, Barack Obama!  We’re all behind you!!!)

April 4, 2011…when President Obama announced his running for re-election for the presidency of the United States:

OBAMA:  …and so, I am running for re-election in 2012!  How great is that, huh?

(We hear the sound of crickets.)

OBAMA:  C’mon, America!  I’m running for president again in 18 months!  Isn’t that great?  Hope!  Change!  Yes, we can AGAIN!

(The crickets are now louder.)

OBAMA:  Isn’t anyone excited???  Look how much I’ve done in the last 2+ years!

(Sound of booing as the crowd grows ornery.  An advisor whispers in Obama’s ear.) 

OBAMA:  Uh, okay…let’s look ahead instead!

AMERICAN:  Where’s the hope and change you promised back in ’08?

OBAMA:  Got an example right here for ya. I changed our healthcare system…and I hope it’s for the best!

AMERICAN:  You said you’d work with the Republicans to get things done!  Washington D.C. is more stagnant and corrupt than ever!

OBAMA:  The Republicans started it!  They’re the jerks.

AMERICAN:  You said you’d get our troops out of Iraq and Afghanistan immediately.  You said you’d make healthcare affordable.  You said you’d work with Congress and create more jobs.  Instead, our troops aren’t home, we’re now bombing Libya, healthcare is a mess, unemployment is still ridiculously high and the government is about to shut down this week!

(Sound of cheers from the crowd.  An advisor whispers in Obama’s ear.)

OBAMA:  Yes!  The government will shut down this week!

(We hear the roar of the crowd as they cheer their approval.)

OBAMA:  Yes!  No more government to (CENSORED) things up any worse than they are now!

(The sound of heavenly singing can be heard from above as the clouds in the sky part, revealing God’s approval in the form of his angelic choir.)

OBAMA IN 2012!

YES, WE CAN HOPE FOR CHANGE!

Just some things to think about…

• Why is there exactly 30 minutes of world news every night?
• Why are there no major news stories on weekends?
• Why does Philippines begins with a “P” but Filippino begins with an “F”?
• How come peppers are the only vegetable with their own deodorant?
• If the Six Million Dollar Man was truly bionic, then how come he always seemed to run in slow motion?
• How did Casper the Friendly Kid die?
• At a movie theater, which arm rest is yours?
• Where does the toetag go on a dead person if they don’t have feet?
• If girls with large breasts work at Hooters, then do girls with one leg work at IHOP?
• Why is the Lone Ranger called the Lone Ranger if Tonto is always with him?
• If ghosts can walk through walls and doors, how come they don’t fall through floors?
• Do Siamese twins have to pay for each movie ticket or do they get 2 for 1 deals?
• Would sex between the Six Million Dollar Man and Bionic Woman be over in 2 seconds?
• What does PU stand for when we say, “PU!  That stinks!”?
• If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you complain to?
• What do people in China call their good plates?
• Why do NBA, NFL and MLB champions call themselves “world champions” when they haven’t played anybody outside the U.S.?
• Do woodpeckers get headaches smashing their face into wood all day?
• Were Mary and Joseph known as Mr. and Mrs. Christ?  If not, what was their surname?
• Why are men’s and women’s shoe sizes different?
• Who coined the phrase, “coined the phrase”?
• What would the Six Million Dollar man cost today?
• Isn’t Wonder Woman what Stevie calls his wife?
• If laughter is the best medicine, then how come some people die laughing?

 ‘Twas late one Saturday night in Dunboyne, a small town just west of Dublin, when the local police officer spied Seamus McCafferty driving in quite a meandering fashion along the street.  After pulling him over, the police officer asked Seamus if he had been drinking that evening.

“I don’t drink on Friday nights, occifer,” Seamus slurred horribly.

“It’s Saturday, Seamus,” smirked the police officer.

“It is?” asked the thoroughly drunk Seamus.  “I’ll drink ta that!”

At that point Seamus began fumbling with his coat pocket again and took out a bottle of whiskey for the police officer to inspect.  “I dunno how that got in there,” said Seamus.  “But finder’s keepers!”  He dropped the bottle in the car.

Seamus then proceeded to wipe his nose with his sleeve as he continued.  “Iss Saturday night, y’know, occifer,” he said with great effort.  “Me and me lads, we made a stop by the pub, but I only had six or seven pint’s, thass all.”

“But then they had somethin’ called ‘Happy Hour’ and they made us drink these horrible drinks called margos…er…margo…uh…marritas…er…somethin’ with tequila in ‘em!  They were horrible!  I had four…no five of those.  Then I had promised to drive O’Hara, me friend, home and he invited me in.  Well, I had to go in for a couple pints of Guinness.  I really couldn’t be rude, occifer, could I?  Me mum raised me with good manners.  To refuse me friend’s hospitality would be to disrespect the memory of me mum!”

“Your mum’s still alive, Seamus,” sighed the police officer.  “I pulled her over earlier tonight.”

“Right, but her memory’s shot!” said Seamus.  “And I wouldn’t want to disrespect it!  So, after the Guinness I stopped, of course, to get a pint for later…” 

The police officer gave a deep sigh, saying, “Alright, Seamus, that’s enough.  I’ll need you to step out of the vehicle to take a breathalyzer test.”

Indignantly, Seamus replied, “Why?  Don’t you believe me?!”

May Irish hills caress you,

May her lakes and rivers bless you,

May the luck of the Irish enfold you,

May the blessings of St. Patrick behold you.

HAPPY ST. PATRICK’S DAY!