From Hannah Reynolds, age 12, winner of the Lincoln Middle School Poetry Contest, of Dayton, OH:

                                   MAN(UN)KIND

Meow!  I am a cat.  With my radar sensor whiskers and my nose so flat.

I purr.  I sense a rat.  With my sharp little claws I want more than a chummy chat.

I walk and I stalk, carefully creeping upon my prey.

Determination pours from my eyes; I won’t let it get away.

Woof!  I am a doggy.  Been rolling in the grass and my fur is nice and soggy.

I bark.  I’ve made my mark.  The burglar won’t come in here with something growling in the dark.

I pant and I beg, they’ll feed me scraps any minute.

I know I’ll get what I want for if I whine I’ll always win it.

How absurd!  I am a bird.  I’ve been singing all morning in case you haven’t heard.

I chirp.  That’s the word.  When mommy isn’t around I steal her eggs, safe and sound.

I fly and I lie, yet I am beautiful, wouldn’t you say?

Because of my cunning nature, I’d say I am a blue jay.

Blub!  I am a fish.  If I don’t watch myself, I’ll be someone’s tasty dish.

I swim.  That’s my wish.  I am always becoming wiser so I don’t end up as your appetizer.

I breathe through these gills, making light of my day.

I often wonder what it’s like out there, but in the water I’m here to stay.

Hello!  I am a man.  I wear this three-piece, driving an expensive car, doing the best I can.

I speak.  I am so sleek.  I poison my environment around me but to stop my actions I am weak.

I walk and I talk, caring only for myself. 

The world could rot for all I care, as long as I possess material wealth.

 ANSWER:  The Feline Species.  Cause cats suck.

From the residence of Karen Windsor, 38, of Towson, MD.  Karen is a Benefits Coordinator for a large marketing company.  She is married to her husband Ted, 39, and the two have a son, Michael, age 10.  The following took place the evening of February 16, 2009, in their home.

(SCENE:  KAREN, TED and MICHAEL are sitting at their kitchen table.  KAREN and TED are discussing their days as they dish out the evening’s meal.)

TED:  This smells really good, honey!

KAREN:  Joint effort, hon.  You did the actual barbecuing.

MICHAEL:  Who’s going to take me to basketball practice tonight?

TED:  I can take you, son.  I’m looking forw—

(Suddenly, there is a loud explosion and what remains of the front door rains in the kitchen amidst a cloud of smoke.  Clearly stunned, the Windsors are dazed as two men dressed in S.W.A.T. looking gear enter the kitchen.  Both are wearing helmets and carrying guns.)

TED:  My God!  What is going on?  Who the hell are you?

OFFICER #1:  We’re the Facebook Police.

KAREN:  The Facebook Police?

OFFICER #2:  You are Karen Windsor, age 38, of 324 Barkham Drive?

KAREN:  That’s me.

OFFICER #1:  It has come to our attention that you have not been on Facebook in 38 minutes.

TED:  How dare you…!  (OFFICER #2 clubs TED on the back of the head with his gun.  TED crumples to the floor.)

MICHAEL:  Dad!

OFFICER #2:  Shut it, kid!  Ma’am, Facebook needs an explanation regarding your prolonged absence.

KAREN:  Prolonged absence?  It’s only been 38 minutes!

OFFICER #1:  39.

KAREN:  Is that now a crime?  Who cares if I haven’t been on the site?

OFFICER #2:  Facebook does, ma’am.  You have friends out there who have recent status updates.  Three of your friends tagged you in photos in the past half hour and you have not addressed them yet!

KAREN:  I was preparing dinner for my family!

OFFICER #1:  Facebook is family!  18 of your friends have provided you with soundtracks of their lives and you have not reciprocated!  If your life was a movie, ma’am, there are people out there who need to know what your soundtrack would be!

OFFICER #2:  53 of your friends have sent you “25 Random Things” about themselves and you have not responded! 

KAREN:  Who has time for such nonsense?  I work!  I have a family!  I have a household to run!

OFFICER #1:  Do you not realize that those people need to know 25 random things about Karen Windsor???

KAREN:  Back off!  I have a LIFE!!!

(The Facebook Police look at one another in stunned silence.)

OFFICER #2:  When you signed on with Facebook, ma’am, you relinquished that life.  I’m afraid you’re going to have to come with us.

OFFICER #1:  Hold on a sec, big guy.  Just got word from HQ that some guy up the street hasn’t addressed several recent pokes.

OFFICER #2:  Are you kidding me?

OFFICER #1:  Looks like he hasn’t been on Facebook in nearly three hours!

OFFICER #2:  Sonofabitch!  Alright, ma’am, looks like you lucked out tonight.  If you don’t want to see the Facebook Police again, you had better get your ass back on immediately and update your profile pic or update your status or send a gift or tag someone in a photo or join a group or send someone a drink!

OFFICER #1:  Why can’t people like you understand that everyone needs to know whether you bought  new flooring for the kitchen or didn’t have to wake up to an alarm today or are helping your child with his or her school project or whether you’re using one or two-ply!

OFFICER #2:  And you better have 300 friends by Friday……….or we’ll be back.

(They open fire on a kitchen window and jump through the shards.  KAREN and MICHAEL immediately come to the unconscious TED’s side.)

KAREN:  He’s breathing.  He’ll be okay.

MICHAEL:  Mommy?  What is Facebook?

(KAREN ignores him as she sits at the computer.  She has a dazed look on her face as she types.)

MICHAEL:  Mommy?  What’s wrong?  Are you okay?

KAREN (dazed):  No need to talk anymore, Michael.  If you want to know how Mommy is doing, you can check her recent status update on Facebook…on Facebook…on Facebook…on Facebook… on Facebook… on Facebook…

MUST SEE THURSDAY returns to NBC this spring with the new sitcom, Meet the Kaidas!  The premise for this soon-to-be Emmy nominated hit is that President Obama has successfully closed Guantanamo Bay.  Rather than move the terrorist prisoners to another offshore prison, he has decided to have them dispersed throughout the United States—figuring having to live like an American in this economy is more torturous than waterboarding!  Join in on the hilarity each week on NBC as an ex-Guantanamo terrorist detainee moves into Main Street, U.S.A. 

(SCENE:  Main Street, U.S.A.  DEBBIE and her daughter PAIGE walk up to the ABDUL-AZIM residence.  It is a typical Colonial.  There is an American flag burning on the front lawn.  PAIGE is dressed in her Girl Scout uniform and is pulling a Radio Flyer wagon filled with boxes of Girl Scout cookies.  DEBBIE rings the doorbell.  JABIR ABDUL-AZIM, dressed in Middle Eastern attire with ammunition belts draped criss-cross over his chest, answers.  He is smoking a short, thick cigar and is holding a machine gun.)

DEBBIE:  Good afternoon!

JABIR:  Praise Allah!  Death to the American infidels!  (Laugh track heard here.)

DEBBIE:  Yes, it is a nice day, isn’t it?  Hi, I don’t think we’ve met yet.  My name is Debbie Johnson and this is my daughter, Paige. 

JABIR:  I am Jabir Abdul-Az…er…I am Al.

DEBBIE:  Al?

JABIR:  Yes.  Uh…Al Kaida.  With a K.  (Laugh track heard here.)

DEBBIE:  Welcome to the neighborhood, Mr. Kaida.  Where are you from?

JABIR:  Uh…I am from Afghana…

DEBBIE:  Where?

JABIR:  Er…Alabama.  (Laugh track heard here.)

DEBBIE:  That’s nice.  I can see you spent a lot of time in the sun there.  You have a nice tan.

JABIR:  True.  I did spend quite a bit of my time these last few years by the water.  (Laugh track heard here.)

DEBBIE:  Do you have a wife?  Any kids?

JABIR:  My wife and children sacrificed themselves in the name of Allah back in the Holy Land.  Praise Allah!

PAIGE:  Are you a magician?

JABIR:  Why would you ask that, infidel?

PAIGE:  You keep saying ‘Allah’.  Is that short for ‘Abracadabra Allah-kazam?’  (Laugh track heard here.)

JABIR:  Yes, you may call me a magician.  Soon, I will make this neighborhood disappear in a cloud of smoke.  (Laugh track heard here.)

PAIGE (claps her hands):  That would be nifty.  I love magic tricks.

JABIR:  And you will be able to thank your president for that trick.  To think, in a time of war, that we terrorist prisoners have been set free!  You Americans are soft and weak.  Soon, victory shall be ours as your god-less country lies in ruin!

DEBBIE:  Well, Mr. Kaida.  We’re here to see if you’d like to buy some Girl Scout cookies.  (Laugh track heard here.)  But while I’m here, I’d like to invite you to our monthly neighborhood happy hours.  I have the sign-up sheet right here.  The next few months are taken, but if you’d like to maybe host in the May-June timeframe?

JABIR:  I will take the second Friday in May if you can answer me this question…

DEBBIE:  Shoot, Mr. Kaida.

JABIR:  Don’t tempt me.  (Laugh track heard here.)  Where can I find some uranium around here?

PAIGE:  Uranium is the planet next to Neptune.  I learned that in my public school.  (Laugh track heard here.) 

JABIR:  I am so pleased that you Americans have such short-term memories.  9/11 means nothing to you anymore, huh?

DEBBIE:  Sure it does!  That’s the neighborhood block party!  (Laugh track heard here.)  Would you like to make a dip?

(All three laugh.  JABIR holds up his machine gun and fires it in the air, screaming “Al-la-la-la-la-la-la!!!”  Freeze scene and roll end credits.)

• You think the contestants at the beginning of the season on “The Biggest Loser” look thin.
• You throw your back out on the first sit-up.
• You can fan yourself with your arm flab.
• When you stand on the beach, you inadvertently cause an early high tide.
• You’re spending way too much time counting calories.
• Those 100 calorie cookie or cracker packs just don’t fill you up…and you ate the entire box which contains 10 packs!
• That full length mirror in the bedroom just isn’t cutting it these days.
• When you suck in your gut, the futile attempt causes shockwaves that cause the neighborhood dogs to erupt in frenzied barking.
• You’re typically able to snack on the food that gets stuck in the crevice of your second and third chins.
• The new little kid in the neighborhood rides by on his tricycle and asks if he can see your blowhole.
• You’re too embarrassed to tell your spouse where you found the TV remote.
• You attend a book signing for Paul McKenna’s I Can Make You Thin.  The author takes one look at you and says, “Except you.”
• You explode in pain in the middle of the night when you pull your comforter up to your chin.  The only problem is that what you thought was the comforter was actually your belly.
• You try to recall what it was like to have a neck.
• When you walk into Weight Watchers, a counselor immediately turns to the admin assistant and says, “Looks like we can afford this month’s rent.”
• You do ten jumping jacks in your basement when the phone rings.  You answer it.  It’s some guy in Beijing who says, “Stop it.”
• The All-U-Can-Eat Diner has a lookout for you.
• An advertising firm calls to see if they can rent your ass for their client’s new billboard ad.

A doctor greets a woman in his waiting room.  “I have some bad news and some good news,” said the doctor.  “The bad news is…you only have six months to live.”

“Oh my God!” screamed the woman.  “What on earth could possibly be the good news??”

“I tend to lie a lot,” admitted the doctor.

“Thank goodness!” sighed the woman.  “So what you’re saying is…you lied when you told me I only have six months to live?”

“Yes,” said the doctor.  “Actually, you only have one month.”

Mr. Smith is sitting in his psychologist’s office.  The psychologist says, “Mr. Smith, I’ve come to the conclusion that you are indeed a paranoid schizophrenic.”

“What’s that supposed to be mean?” asked Mr. Smith. 

“You have two distinct personalities,” said the psychologist.  “One known as Mr. Smith and one known as Mr. Brown.  It’ll take at least 25 sessions at $100 each to cure you of this problem.  You can write out a check to me for $2,500, and I’ll see you next Tuesday.”

Mr. Smith stood and put on his coat to leave.

“Where are you going?” asked the psychologist.

“Send the bill to Mr. Brown,” said Mr. Smith.  “He’s the one with the money.”

A doctor greets a man in the waiting room of his practice in San Antonio.  “It appears as if your grandfather has Alzheimer’s Disease,” said the doctor. 

“How can you tell?” asked the man.

The doctor rubbed his chin as he replied softly, “He can’t even remember the Alamo.”

A doctor greets a wife and her sick husband in the waiting room.  “I have some good news and some bad news,” said the doctor.

“What is it, doc?” asked the worried wife.  “How bad is it?”

“The good news is,” said the doctor, “your husband is not going to die.”

“Oh,” said the wife.  “What’s the bad news?”

“According to my tests,” said the doctor as he looked over his charts.  “He’s already dead.”

“Oh,” said the wife.  “So what’s the bad news?”

A forgetful doctor tells his male patient to disrobe.  “From what I recall,” says the doctor, “you’re here for a hernia checkup, correct?”  The man nods and disrobes.  The doctor gets on his knees in front of him.  “Turn your head and cough,” says the doctor as he grips the patient’s manly jewels.  The man turns his head and coughs.  “Again,” instructs the doctor.  The man does as he is told.  “Again,” instructs the thorough medical man.

This goes on for ten minutes when the patient says, “Something wrong with me, doc?”

The doctor looks up from the patient’s groin. “I’ll say!” he cries.  “Every time I grab your balls you seem to get a twitch in your neck and cough!”

Excerpt from The Situation Room with Wolf Blitzer on The Obama Channel, formerly known as CNN, on 1/22/09:

WOLF:  Welcome back to The Situation Room with me, Wolf Blitzer, here on TOC.  We’re All Obama All the Time!  We cover your new beloved president raw, unfiltered and live…24/7!  It all started with the inauguration and we here at the former CNN all thought, “Hey!  Why should it end there?  America loves this guy and so do we!”  Let’s go back to the White House with Lou Dobbs and see what’s been going on since the commercial break.  Lou?

LOU:  Hello, Wolf!

WOLF:  Jesus, Lou!  Could you lay off the teeth whitener for a bit?  It looks like ya swallowed a flashlight for God’s sakes!  What’s going on?  We’ve been away from the president for nearly three minutes!  What have we missed?  What can you tell us, Lou?

LOU:  It is apparent President Obama is a Democrat, Wolf.

WOLF:  What do you mean?

LOU:  Well, the president engulfed a liberal helping of chili at lunch and it seems to have affected him.  A minute ago he was rushed to the Presidential Toilet with two members of the Secret Service.

WOLF:  This sounds like a crisis, Lou!

(We hear melodramatic music as the following ridiculous graphics flash on the screen, “CRISIS IN THE BOWELS OF THE WHITE HOUSE!”)

WOLF:  Anderson Cooper is now standing live in the Presidential Bathroom in the White House!  Anderson?

ANDERSON:  I’m standing in the stall beside the Presidential Stall here in the Presidential Bathroom, Wolf.

WOLF:  Could you give us an update on the president, Anderson?

ANDERSON:  It appears as though the chili served at lunch today was a bit too spicy for President Obama.  Mr. President?

OBAMA:  Yes?

ANDERSON:  Can you tell us what happened?  What seemed to go wrong?  Was it in any way the Republicans’ fault?

OBAMA:  I believe the chili was a bit too spicy for me.  I really don’t think the Republicans had anything to do with it.

ANDERSON:  It’s okay to blame the Republicans.  We’ve been doing it for years.  Will you be okay, Mr. President?

OBAMA:  In time, yes.  Could I have some privacy?

WOLF:  Anderson?  Can you ask the president if he’ll be using one-ply or two-ply?

ANDERSON:  Mr. President?  Will you be using…

WOLF:  Hold on a second, Anderson!  We need to interrupt!  This just in…First Lady Michelle Obama has just decided what the First Family will eat for dinner this evening!  Let’s go to TOC Reporter Brooke Anderson who is standing live in the White House kitchen…

*CLICK!*

WOLF:  Before we do that, it appears as if someone in our viewing audience just had the audacity to turn us off!  How un-patriotic!  How un-American!  We are the new TOC!  The Obama Channel!  If you’re not following the new president’s every move and listening to the former CNN political panel’s every all-encompassing thoughts, you are not a true, red-blooded American!  You must sit there and watch!  It is your duty!!!

ANDERSON:  Speaking of which, Wolf, the president just flushed.  He used two-ply.

On a dare from his drunken buddies, Steve Maycock of Wallingford, CT undergoes plastic surgery to have his face replaced with his ass.  When he awoke the next morning and realized that the operation was irreversible, Steve Maycock became ASS-MAN, the Man Who Literally Talks Out His Ass.

THIS WEEK’S EPISODE:  ANAL IN D.C.

(We see Ass-Man standing in the front row on the Capitol Hill steps on January 20, 2009 with his trusty sidekick, Sphincter Boy.  Both are waving mini-American flags.)

ASS-MAN:  Well, here we are, Sphincter Boy.  We’re at President Obama’s inauguration.

SPHINCTER BOY:  You’re acting as if this were a sad day, Ass-Man.

ASS-MAN:  Nonsense, my young flatulent one!  I may have spent the better part of two years trying to convince my colleagues that electing Obama would be the downfall of America, but I have seen the error of my ways.

SPHINCTER BOY:  You have, Ass-Man?

ASS-MAN:  Yes.  Now I believe he will bring about the downfall of mankind.

SPHINCTER BOY:  Ass-Man!

ASS-MAN:  Just kidding!  Sheesh!  Loosen up that jock strap of yours, Sphincter Boy!  I now believe that electing Barack Obama president is the best thing for America!  Only he can once again get this country of ours onto the path of righteousness! 

SPHINCTER BOY:  It’s good to hear you say that, Ass-Man.  So you’re saying you no longer believe Obama is a puppet of radical Islam?

ASS-MAN:  Conservative propaganda.

SPHINCTER BOY:  You no longer believe he’s going to be sworn in on the Koran?

ASS-MAN:  He’s getting sworn in as we speak, Sphincter Boy.  I see his hand on the Bible.

SPHINCTER BOY:  It no longer bothers you that his middle name is Hussein?

ASS-MAN:  Why should it?  My middle name is Jawschwa. 

SPHINCTER BOY:  Jawschwa?

ASS-MAN:  My parents had a speech and spelling impediment.

SPHINCTER BOY:  You no longer believe Michelle Obama hates white people?

ASS-MAN:  I had her confused with Oprah Winfrey.  My bad.

SPHINCTER BOY:  And you believe he will do his best to get our troops home quickly from Iraq and Afghanistan, fix the auto and banking industries, decrease unemployment and fix the healthcare problems?

ASS-MAN:  Not only do I believe that, Sphincter Boy, but I am willing to give our new president the time it takes to get these problems fixed!  I am behind President Obama 100% and I am willing to be patient!

SPHINCTER BOY:  That’s great, Ass-Man!  I’m very proud of you!  You should be a proud American today!

SPEAKER:  And now, ladies and gentlemen…the 44^th President of the Unites States…Barack Obama!

(We hear millions cheer for the new president for what seems like hours.  As the cheering dies down and the new president is about to speak, we hear one man booing…our cheeky hero.)

SPHINCTER BOY:  Ass-Man! 

ASS-MAN:  What kind of president is this guy?  Our troops are still in Iraq and Afghanistan!  The auto and banking industries are still in shambles, unemployment is still sky high and healthcare costs are through the roof!

SPHINCTER BOY:  But he just took office 30 seconds ago!  You said you’d be patient!

ASS-MAN:  I was patient, Sphincter Boy!  This guy is a bum!  He hasn’t done a thing!  I say he should be impeached!  Palin in 2012!

MAN (to Sphincter Boy):  Hey pal.  You may want to tell your buddy here he’s talking out his ass.

TUNE IN NEXT WEEK FOR ANOTHER EXCITING EPISODE OF “THE ADVENTURES OF ASS-MAN” WHEN ASS-MAN SAYS:

ASS-MAN:  I most certainly am not relieving myself in public, officer!  This here’s an Ashton cigar!!!

From the unpublished book, Modern Fables, by Flex Malarky:

“The Wise Old Donkey”

            Once upon a time there was an old donkey named Jack.  Jack was the oldest donkey on the farm and because he was the oldest he believed he was the wisest of all the donkeys.  He spent his days telling the other donkeys how to live their lives and he felt good in doing so.

            One day, Jack came across David and Debbie Donkey who were scolding their son, Derek.  “What seems to be the problem?” Jack asked.  “I’m the oldest and therefore the wisest donkey here so I know I can help.”

            “It’s none of your busin—,” Debbie Donkey said but was cut off by Jack.

            “So your son is misbehaving again,” Jack said.  “It’s a shame he’s not like my son who is perfect.  If you’d like to know how I raised my perfect son, come and see me sometime.”  And Jack walked away.

            “Jack has a son?” David Donkey asked.

            “No,” said Debbie Donkey.  “He doesn’t have any kids.”

            “What a pompous ass,” said David Donkey.

            The next day, Jack came across Karl and Kathy Donkey who were exercising.  They were sprinting for fifty yards then trotting back as they caught their breath.  “You should talk to me about exercising,” said Jack.  “I’m the oldest and therefore the wisest donkey here so I know everything about exercising.”

            “Who asked you for your opin—,” Kathy Donkey said but was cut off by Jack.

“I have won countless medals in marathons,” said Jack, “so come and see me and I’ll set up a training routine for you.  If you continue to train the way you are now, you’ll never win anything the way I have.”  And Jack walked away.

“Jack won marathons?” Karl Donkey asked.

“No,” said Kathy Donkey.  “Jack never ran a race in his life.  I’ve never seen him exercise either.”

“What a pompous ass,” said Karl Donkey.

            The next day, Jack came across two new donkeys, Stephen and Stephanie Donkey, who were moving in to their new stable.  “Of course you know you’re doing it all wrong,” said Jack.

            “No one asked you for your—,” said Stephanie Donkey but Jack, as always, cut her off.

            “I’m the oldest and therefore the wisest donkey here so I know everything about everything,” said Jack.  “Your hay should be spread out evenly rather than bunched up in the back.  It’s just better that way.  I should know.”  Just then David and Debbie Donkey, Karl and Kathy Donkey and other donkeys arrived.  “I have plenty of other opinions on how you two should live,” Jack continued.  “Come see me sometime and I’ll tell you how to exercise, how to raise your children, how to vote, how to shop, how to worship God, how to clean your own spouse…”

            “You mean ‘how to wipe your own ass’?” David Donkey interjected.

            “Exactly,” said Jack.  “I am really good at that.”

            With that, Jack walked off as the others laughed.  Stephen and Stephanie Donkey, the new donkeys, asked, “Who was that pompous ass?”

            “That was Jack Ass,” explained Debbie Donkey with a smirk.  “He’s the wisest donkey on the farm.  At least he thinks so!”

AND THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS:  “A wise ass usually succeeds in coming across as a smart ass, but is generally perceived as a dumb ass.”

President-Elect Obama visited the White House on 1/7/09 to have lunch with President Bush and former Commanders-in-Chief Jimmy Carter, Bill Clinton and George H.W. Bush.  Here are some quotes from the luncheon: 

BUSH JR.:  Welcome to the White House, fellas!  Now if you’ll take a look at the buffet table, you’ll see that we have potato salad here, rolls over here, and over there is the pulled pork…

CLINTON:  He said “pulled pork”…heh, heh, heh.

CARTER (to BUSH SR.):  You must be very proud of your son!

BUSH SR.:  I certainly am!  We’re all very proud of Jeb.

OBAMA (to himself):  These guys all look alike.

CLINTON (to BUSH JR.):  Hey George!  Your twin girls here today?  I’d like to, uh, meet them.

BUSH JR. (to CARTER):  I wish Dick were here today.

CARTER:  Why not?  We all figured he ran the White House the last 8 years anyway.

BUSH JR.  I’m talking about Nixon.  Who are you talking about?

BUSH SR. (to OBAMA):  When I said “I hope you work out” I wasn’t talking about your exercise routines.

OBAMA (to CLINTON):  So your wife is going to work for me now, Bill.

CLINTON:  Treat the b*** like one of my interns.

BOTH:  Ha ha ha ha!!!

OBAMA:  I will.

BUSH JR.:  Okay, now that we all set up our Mii’s, let’s do two-on-two bowling.  Me and Dad against Bill and Jimmy, okay?  Mind if you sit this one out, Barack?  I figured we’d let the actual presidents play first…you still got two weeks.

CARTER (to BUSH JR.):  So what do you think will be your legacy, Mr. President?

BUSH JR. (picks up a dictionary):  “Leg-uh-see”, huh?  Gimme a minute…

CLINTON (to BUSH JR.):  This is some good s***, George!  You gotta hook me up!

CARTER:  Hey Bill!  I thought you said you never inhaled?

CLINTON:  Yeah, and I never had sexual relations with that woman either!

ALL:  Ha ha ha ha!

From the journal of Karen Windsor, 36, of Longwood, FL.  Karen is typical of 94% of all Americans: 

January 1^st

This is the year that I drop 20 lbs. and 2 dress sizes!  I’m off to the gym tomorrow to start my new weekly workout routine!  Pilates, 3 days a week.  Treadmill, 3 days a week.  Lifting, 2 days a week.  Once I shed 10 lbs. I’ll also take up 2 or 3 morning spinning classes.  This is it!  No more talking!  No more procrastination!  No more laziness!  2009 is the year I get back into my bikini!!!

January 2^nd

What a workout!  I can’t believe how hard Pilates is!  But I feel great!  I even spent 10 minutes on the treadmill!  It feels so good to actually sweat again!  I’m so proud of myself!  Jim said he’ll even join me for a couple of workouts a week.  This is my year.  I can feel it.  Jim and I celebrated the “new me” by going out to the Fried Onion for dinner.  My God the beers tasted good!  Jim laughed over the fact that I ate most of the supreme nachos myself.  I even finished Jim’s pulled pork sandwich.  Hey, I’m working out now!  It’s okay! 

January 3^rd

Woke up this morning and saw that I’m two pounds heavier than I was on New Year’s Day!!!  I couldn’t believe it!  Especially after yesterday’s workout!  I was so depressed I polished off the chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream.  Working out is obviously a complete waste of time!  I called the gym and cancelled my membership.  What a complete rip-off!!!