Special thanks to Dr. Horace J. Greensplatt, PhD, who recently discovered time travel by accidentally connecting his iPad2 to his wife’s vibrator.  By doing so, Greensplatt opened a portal to the internet of the future and specifically the front page of MSNBC.com.  Here are a few examples of headlines from the world of tomorrow…

 

USA AND MEXICO FINALLY DECIDE TO SWITCH COUNTRIES!

AP-March 7, 2021

WASHINGTON, D.C.-After months of heated debates and negotiations, the governments of Mexico and the United States of America have officially decided yesterday to swap countries.

“It only makes sense,” said President Sanchez of the Unites States.  “For two years now, there have been more Mexicans living in the U.S. than in Mexico.  At the same time, more gringos have found their destiny by traveling over the Rio Grande.  So why not switch?” 

The 2020 census results show that the U.S. is now made up of 68% Mexican born illegal immigrants while the country of Mexico is now populated with 64% of American citizens who escaped the U.S. mainly because they can’t speak Spanish.

“It’s easier to swap countries and make this Mexico than to deal with all of that paperwork in making millions of illegal immigrants legal,” said President Sanchez as he puffed his cigar.

However, once the news leaked that the United States of America would now become Mexico and Mexico would become the new United States, millions of Mexican illegals suddenly flocked south to the borders of Arizona, New Mexico and Texas…

 

PHILADELPHIA EAGLES SIGN PLAXICO BURRESS

AP-July 29, 2011

PHILADELPHIA, PA-Eagles President Joe Banner announced today that the team has indeed signed former Steelers and Giants wide receiver, Plaxico Burress, to a one-year deal, only months after his 2-year prison term ended.  This comes two years after the Eagles signed former felon Michael Vick.

“One convict throwing to another,” Banner quipped as he puffed on his cigar.  “We figure we should be able to steal a few wins with that combo, huh?”

Banner also announced that a special booth would be installed in Lincoln Financial Field for the growing number of parole officers needed around the football team.

Coach Andy Reid joked that the new nickname for the team should be the “Jail” Birds and then he cleared his throat.

On an unrelated note, the front office also announced that Casey Anthony would be heading up the Eagles Cheerleading squad for 2011…

 

LADY GAGA IS A ROBOT!

AP-October 12, 2013

LOS ANGELES, CA-While performing her new hit single, My Mind is a Coffin, from her new album, Egg-cellent!, Lady Gaga’s left leg fell off.  As she reached down to pick it up, the audience screamed in horror as Gaga’s torso fell the floor, leaving a one legged stand on the stage.  Gaga’s torso immediately righted itself and commanded her band to play “Born This Way”, obviously a weak attempt at humor.  As audience members screamed and ran for the exits, Lady Gaga tried to calm everyone down by announcing that she was indeed a cyborg created by legendary pop star Madonna and some mad Bulgarian scientist who was “looking to have a bit of fun.”

 

THE WORLD DOES NOT END!

AP-December 22, 2012

NASHVILLE, TN-Well, it looks like the Mayans were wrong!  December 21, 2012 came and went and the world did not end.

“I’m mildly disappointed,” said former Vice-President and current blowhard Al Gore from the steps of his private jet.  “I thought by the world ending it would have taught everyone a lesson about carbon emissions.  We all need to drive smaller, more fuel efficient cars and we need to drive less or the world will really end!”

Gore then boarded his jet for a tour around the country, a tour that will have the jet use 80,000 gallons of fuel and carbon emissions reaching 3,000 tons of CO2. 

The tour is to warn Americans about lessening our combined carbon footprint.

Many international scientists agree that if Al Gore were to duct tape his mouth shut, that would save the world roughly 3,000 tons of CO2 emissions per day.

 

SOCIAL SECURITY RUNS OUT!

AP-May 10, 2015

 WASHINGTON, D.C.-President Obama today announced that money for social security has completely dried up.  “No more money,” the president shrugged as he puffed on his cigar.  “What can I tell ya?”  When asked where all the money went, Obama said, “Who knew that people would live well into their 90s, ya know?  There are just too many old people!  Plus, we never budgeted for all of the illegal Mexicans who also have their hands out for our benefits.  God, I swear it would be easier if we just switched countries!”