20 Jan
#11-Speech Recognition Systems
*BEEP!*
You have reached the speech recognition system at ABC Pharmaceutical Company. Please listen carefully to the following: If you are attempting to reach an employee at ABC, please say the first and last names.
“Joe Smith.”
Did you say, “Joe Schmidt?”
“No.”
Sorry. Did you say, “Joe Schmeade?”
“No. I said, ‘Joe Smith.’”
I’m sorry, did you say, “Joe Cockiavalli?”
“No.”
Was that a “Yes”?
“No. It was a ‘No.’ I said, ‘Joe Smith.’”
Was that a “Yes”?
“No.”
Please speak clearly.
“I want to speak with Joe Smith.”
Did you say, “Janet Koldivari”?
“Yeah, that sounds a lot like Joe Smith!”
Was that a “Yes”?
“I said I want to speak with JOE SMITH!? He’s the vice-president of the company! It was his stupid idea to put the speech recognition system in place!”
Did you say, “Ahmad Ramasany”?
“J-O-E S-M-I-T-H!”
Did you say, “J-O-E S-M-I-T-H”?
“Yes!”
Connecting your call to “Janet Koldivari”?
“No! I do not want Janet Koldivari! I want Joe Smith!”
Please speak clearly.
“Ahem! Joe Smith!!!”
Please do not clear your throat.? Speak more clearly.
“JOE SMITH! JOE SMITH! JOE SMITH!”
Did you say, “Joe Schmidt?”
“You know what? The hell with it! I did say, “Joe Schmidt!”
There is no Joe Schmidt at this facility.
“How about an operator?”
Was that a “Yes?”
“I WANT AN OPERATOR!”
Did you say, “Steve Randershall?”
“Yeah, Randershall sounds A LOT like Operator!”
Sorry. Was that Wendy Feddermacher?
“NO! I distinctly heard myself say, ‘Joe Smith!’ Or how about Joseph Smith?”
Was that a “Yes?”
“I want Joe or Joseph Smith! Or a friggin’ operator!!”
Connecting your call to “Wendy Feddermacher.”
“What the hell is wrong with you? I’ve been saying ‘JOE SMITH’ ‘til I’m blue in the face!”
“Wendy Feddermacher here.”
“How are you, Wendy? I’m looking for Joe Smith.”
“Oh. Why didn’t you just tell the speech recognition system that?”
“Well, I…”
“I’ll put you back through to it.”
“NO! Please…”
*BEEP!*
You have reached the speech recognition system at ABC Pharmaceutical Company.? Please listen carefully to the following: If you are attempting to reach an employee at ABC, please say the first and last names.
“Joe Smith.”
Was that a “Yes?”
“Jesus Christ! I said…”
Did you say, “Jesus Christ?”
“Uh, yeah. Sure, why not?”
Connecting your call to…Jesus Christ.
“Wow. Jesus Christ works at ABC Pharmaceutical. Good PR.”
“Jesus Christ, here. Hello?”
“Jesus, how are you? I’ve been trying to reach Joe Smith all morning. Do you know his extension?”
“I know everything.”
“Great. Lay it on me.”
“Well, except Joe Smith’s extension. God knows what it is. Let me put you back to the speech recognition system.”
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!”
*BEEP!*
One Response for "LITTLE THINGS THAT ANNOY ME"
Ok this #11-Speech Recognition Systems article was so funny that I could NOT stop laughing which caused me to take almost 30 minutes to finish reading it.