You know you have too much life insurance when you’re afraid to go to sleep before your spouse.

Why do dairy products have a “sell by” date on their packaging?  Shouldn’t they have “eat by” or “drink by” dates?

If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, what do you need to eat for lawyers?

My doctor asked me how much I drink.  I told him 3 martinis before dinner.  He told me I should cut back to one and I agreed.  Now I need to buy a bigger martini glass.

I told my wife I was going on a diet.  She asked me what kind of diet.  I told her I was going to count calories.  She said that was a good idea…it wouldn’t leave me much time to eat.

If you don’t finish your fish dinner at a restaurant, should your server bring you a “kitty bag”?

I asked my doctor if he had any medicine that would remove hip bulges.  He said he did and that it would cost $500.  I asked him how soon would it start to work.  He said as soon as I removed $500 from my wallet.

My wife came home from the shrink the other day and told me she was totally funked out, that she needed to get rid of all the stress in her life.  I told her I’d help any way I could.  She said, “Great!  I’ll help ya pack!”

 I bought a talking scale the other day.  I stepped on it and nothing happened.  Figuring I bought a damaged scale, I stepped off of it so that I could take it back to the store.  That was when I heard it say, “We have lift off!!!”

I went to my shrink the other day and told her I couldn’t take this world anymore.  She said, “There there” and handed me a sheet of paper.  “A prescription?” I asked hopefully.  “A ticket to Neptune,” she replied.

I went to my lawyer the other day and told him I wanted to sue a fast food restaurant for making my son fat.  He asked for a picture of my son and I showed him.  He then asked me who I wanted to sue for making my son ugly.

My doctor told me he was going to send me to a broken leg specialist.  I told him my leg wasn’t broken.  He told me his leg specialist was his bill collector.

If the government decided to tax obese people…would it be correct to say that we are living off the fat of the land?