1 Sep
For those who like to read their daily horoscope in 5 seconds…
ARIES: Today is a perfect day to sit and reflect about all of those times you looked in the mirror and reflected.
TAURUS: A long, lost relative calls you today. He says he’s 6’7” and desperately needs a GPS. You wonder to yourself at some point today, “If clothes make the man, then what makes the woman?” This haunting thought will keep you up tonight.
GEMINI: Your boss will have some good news for you today! Turns out you won’t have to worry about saving for that trip to Europe next summer after all. Those unemployment checks will be needed for more important matters.
CANCER: You have many years ahead of you! Unfortunately, most of those years will be spent six feet in the ground. You happily tell your spouse that Debbie has returned from vacation and is just so busy getting her kids off to school and catching up at work. Your spouse asks, “Who’s Debbie?” You respond, “Someone I don’t know who befriended me on Facebook.”
LEO: Your lucky word today is “why”. Unfortunately, it will be used in some unlucky sounding sentences such as “Why am I being laid off?” and “Why are you leaving me?” and “Why am I the only one bleeding here?”
VIRGO: You feel the need to buy a hat today. There is a good chance you may strike up a relationship with someone in the hat store…perhaps someone who is buying a scarf or a pair of gloves. You begin the conversation by asking “why would a hat store sell scarves or gloves?” Or “why isn’t the plural of scarf scarfs? Why is it scarves?” If you’re lucky, the other person is a Leo and why is their lucky word today.
LIBRA: Today will be that day when you finally take a stand at work. Unfortunately, this shameless petty theft will be caught on the security cameras and you’ll need to find a good lawyer.
SCORPRIO: You find that it’s not better to butter both sides of your bread. It makes for a sticky sandwich that is also really high in saturated fat.
SAGITTARIUS: Everyone in your office laughs at you today, not with you. Your lucky number is 70 today. This will be the speed limit the police officer will write on your ticket, not the 82 you were actually doing.
CAPRICORN: Your cable goes out tonight just as you and your spouse sit to watch Mad Men. Your spouse romantically asks if you have something else in mind. You grab your laptop and exclaim you can watch Mad Men on hulu.com! Your spouse goes out shopping for hats.
AQUARIUS: You get the entire neighborhood to flush all of the toilets in their homes at the same time today! You suddenly realize that your neighborhood is made up entirely of unemployed losers.
PISCES: The stars are aligned for you today! You wonder why Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, Leonardo DiCaprio, Scarlett Johansson and others are aligned on your front lawn. You are about to call 9-1-1 when you decide that this may be a better time to take a stand. Damn those security cameras!