From the White House on the evening of 10/31/11

 

PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA:  …and then after another round of golf I figure we can go sailing with the girls.

MICHELLE OBAMA:  Do you think it’s wise taking another vacation, Barack?  I mean, it’s been so soon…

OBAMA:  …since I announced we were bringing the troops home?

MICHELLE:  No, so soon since our last vacation.

OBAMA:  Honey, we’ve gone over this time and time again.  I can vacation between now and Christmas and I still won’t come close to George W. Bush’s vacation time in 2005.  Listen, how about if you decide which golf courses I should play?

*DING DONG!*

MICHELLE:  I’ll get it.

(She opens the door and we see a family of four.  The man is holding a toddler girl and the woman is holding hands with a little boy.  All are dressed shabbily.)

MICHELLE:  Barack, look!  We have trick-or-treaters! 

OBAMA:  How nice!  Are you dressed as a hobo family?

MAN:  Actually, we’re the middle class.

WOMAN:  My husband and I have been out of work for over a year.

BOY:  I told my mommy and daddy that you’d be able to help us, President Obama.

GIRL:  We’re hungry.

OBAMA (grabs a plastic pumpkin bowl filled with candy):  How about a Milky Way then?

MICHELLE:  Barack!

OBAMA:  A Kit-Kat?

MAN:  How about a job?

OBAMA:  Listen, I know times are hard.  I get it.  Every time I golfed on my multiple vacations this year I heard it from my caddies.  But I’m working hard to make things better for you.  I just got a bill passed that will help lower your mortgage!

WOMAN:  We lost our house last month.

MAN:  We need jobs, Mr. President.  We need you to stand up to John Boehner and the Republicans.

WOMAN:  We need you to stop touring the country and making speeches…

MAN:  We need you to get the Democrats and Republicans together and get some real work done!

(Pause.)

OBAMA:  Honey, these are the worst trick-or-treaters ever!

MICHELLE:  No, they’re not, dear. 

OBAMA:  What do you mean?

MICHELLE:  I was just informed that there are 5,000 “Occupy Wall Street” protesters headed up the driveway.

OBAMA:  Uh-oh.  We’re gonna need more Snickers.

GIRL:  Can I still have that Kit-Kat?

(ALL look at the little girl and laugh.  Freeze scene and roll end credits.  As credits are rolling, the little girl jumps out of her daddy’s arms and grabs the pumpkin bowl.  She runs off.  Her daddy sees this, looks around, and grabs Obama’s wallet out of his back pocket.  He takes the cash, drops the wallet, grabs his wife and son and runs off.  Obama and Michelle are left, frozen and smiling as the credits continue to roll and the scene fades to black.)

 

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

From the front doorstep of the White House, 10/31/09:

 

*DING DONG!*

PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA:  Honey?  Could you please answer the door?  I’m rehearsing here in front of the mirror for my next speech.

MICHELLE OBAMA:  The Afghanistan speech?

OBAMA:  No, I gave that speech an hour ago.

MICHELLE:  The healthcare reform speech?

OBAMA:  45 minutes ago.

MICHELLE:  The clean energy speech?

OBAMA:  Half hour ago.  I’m rehearsing my “Reasons Why the Stimulus Package is Working” speech.  I’m giving it in fifteen minutes.  MSNBC is here.

MICHELLE:  I know.  I caught Keith Olbermann sniffing your shoes in your closet again.  That man disturbs me.

*DING DONG!*

(MICHELLE answers the door.  A little boy dressed as a pirate is standing there with his bag of goodies.)

MICHELLE:  Ooh!  Look at this scary trick or treater!

BOY:  Trick or treat, lady.

MICHELLE:  Barack?  Come here and look at this little boy!

OBAMA:  Honey, I’m looking at myself in the mirror.  I’m rehearsing.

MICHELLE:  Just for a second.

OBAMA:  Hey, cute costume, kid.  Want to hear my speech?  It’s the seventh speech I’m giving today.

BOY:  Not really.  How about a treat?

(OBAMA reaches into a nearby basket and pulls out a number of scrolls.)

OBAMA:  Instead of candy, we’re giving out transcripts of some of my most famous speeches.  Would you like my Cairo speech from June, my 2004 speech at the Democratic convention or my inaugural speech?  That last one’s a real treat!  Inspired a lot of people!

BOY:  I’d like $20 million in bailout money, Mr. President.

OBAMA:  Excuse me?

BOY:  I need it pronto.  My lemonade stand business is about to go into bankruptcy for $19,999,978.00 if not bailed out immediately.  My purchase of $8.00 in lemonade mix and $2.00 in cups made a total of $32.00 in sales. $32.00 minus my initial investment of $10.00 equals $22.00 in profit minus my $20,000,000.00 annual bonus equals a $19,999,978.00 loss. As an 11-year-old I am the future of America. Will Congress bail out America’s future?

OBAMA:  Wouldn’t you rather read one of my uplifting speeches?  I have a lot of them.  Here, check out what I said on Letterman a few weeks ago.

BOY:  Why don’t you put down the pen and paper, Mr. President, pick up the phone, and do something?  It’s why we elected you!

OBAMA:  But the Republicans…

BOY:  …are the minority!  You Democrats own the House and Senate!  Do something!

OBAMA:  But they don’t like me anymore.  That’s why I need to give this speech.  People like me when I speak.  Here, just listen…ahem!  Madame Speaker, Vice President Biden, Members of Congress, and the American people:  When I spoke here last winter, this nation was facing the worst economic crisis since the Great Depression. We were losing an average of 700,000 jobs per month. Credit was frozen. And our financial system was on the verge of collapse.  As any American who is still looking for work or a way to pay their bills will tell you, we are by no means out of the woods. A full and vibrant recovery is many months away.  And I will not let up…

BOY:  Yeah, yeah.  Whatever.  Look, can I at least get a Kit-Kat or something?

*DING DONG!*

PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH (GWB):  Honey?  Sounds like there’s some more of them trick or treaters at the front door!  Go ahead and grab that there basket of tax cuts.

LAURA BUSH:  Sure thing, dear.

GWB:  Nothing like a tax cut as a treat on this here Halloweener.  (GWB answers the door.)  Sweet Jesus!  What a scary costume!  And who are you supposed to be?

JOHN McCAIN:  I’m John McCain, my friend.

GWB:  That is a really scary mask, heh heh.  You’re kinda freaking me out here with that mask…and that hideous laugh.

McCAIN:  It’s not a mask, Mr. President.  I’m John McCain.  I’m the one who voted with you 90% of the time.

GWB:  Right!  Then you turned around said you weren’t George W. Bush!

McCAIN:  Technically, I was correct.  I’m not you.

GWB:  Thank goodness for that!  If you were me then what would that make me?

McCAIN:  A complete jackass?

GWB:  No.  I don’t think so.  Let me check.  Honey?  Am I complete jackass?

LAURA BUSH:  No, dear.  Just a partial one.  Only when you’re awake.  Happy Halloween, Senator.  What can we do for you?

McCAIN:  My friends, I’ve come here tonight to take a good long look at the White House.

GWB:  Just one look.  That’s all it took.  I love that song.  It reminds me of something or other.

McCAIN:  My friends, I’ve tried to be optimistic but with only days to go I realize I don’t have a snowball’s chance in Baghdad to win the election.  I thought I’d stop by and take a look since I won’t be living here anytime soon.  I hope you don’t mind, my friends.

GWB:  We don’t mind.  Heck, Hillary Clinton did the same thing back in May.  Boy, was she wearing a scary mask!

McCAIN:  I appreciate it, Mr. President.

GWB:  But listen here, John.  Giddy-yap and all that.  It don’t matter that you’re down in the polls.  I was down in the polls to Gore back in 2000.  But the pollsters only ask the dumb hippy-smoking liberals who they’re gonna vote for!  The ones that matter…the ones that are gonna vote Republican, are all too busy working in jobs or praying in churches!  The hippy-liberal dumb smokepots are wandering the streets begging to be interviewed by a pollster!  The God fearing rednecks that are gonna vote for you are either working, or praising the Lord or are inside their homes buying crap on QVC!  They’re too busy to be bothered with the liberal-loving pollsters!  They’ll be out in droves on Election Day and you’ll win!

McCAIN:  I never looked at it that way, Mr. President.  Thanks, my friend.  You’ve given me hope.

GWB:  You light up my life.

McCAIN:  What?

GWB:  You light up my life.  You give me hope to carry on.  You light up my days and fill my nights with song.  I love Debbie Boone.  She gives me a Texas-sized chubby.  Don’t mess with Texas.

McCAIN:  Mr. President?  How in God’s name am I struggling to win one election and you won twice???

(GWB slams the door shut.)

LAURA BUSH:  Honey?  Do you really believe he has a chance on Tuesday?

GWB:  Not a snowball’s chance in H-E-Double hockey sticks!  I didn’t want to let him in with Obama downstairs figuring out where he’s gonna put his new presidential basketball court!

 

(GWB and LAURA start laughing.  We see BARACK OBAMA enter wearing a Chicago Bulls jersey and white sneakers.  He is spinning a basketball on his finger and proceeds to do a few Harlem Globetrotters tricks.  He passes the ball to GWB who drops it.  All three laugh.  Freeze scene and roll end credits.)

 

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!

*DING DONG!*

PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH (GWB):  Honey?  Sounds like there’s some more of them trick or treaters at the front door!  Go ahead and grab them there popcorn balls.

LAURA BUSH:  Sure thing, dear.

GWB:  Heh, heh.  That’s funny, Laura honey.  I mean those popcorn balls over there in the bowl…for them there trick or treaters…heh, heh.  (GWB answers the door.)

GWB:  Ooh!  What a scary costume!  And who are you supposed to be?

HILLARY CLINTON:  I’m Hillary Clinton.

GWB:  That is a really scary mask!  So realistic with the pale, clammy look.  Where’d ya get it, honey?

HILLARY:  It’s not a mask.  I’m Hillary Clinton.

GWB:  Who’s yer friend there?

BILL CLINTON:  I’m Bill Clinton.  How ya doing, Mr. President?  Didja get those stains out of the Lincoln Bedroom carpet?  Heh, heh.

LAURA:  Who’s at the door, dear?

GWB:  Two kids with some real scary masks, honey.

HILLARY:  I’m really Hillary Clinton, Mr. President.  I’m here to get an idea of what I’m going to do with the White House when I live here again in 15 months. 

BILL:  She’s thinking new drapes.  Didja get the stains out of the old ones?  Heh, heh.

GWB:  You sure that ain’t no mask?  The mouth hasn’t moved out of the scowl position since you knocked up.

BILL:  Speaking of “knocked up”…

HILLARY:  Hush, Bill!  May we come in, Mr. President?  My interior designer is here with us.

GWB:  Could ya come back in an hour or so?

BILL:  Why?  You got an intern you have to deal with?  Heh, heh.

LAURA:  No, it’s just that the Obamas are here with their interior designer.  They should be done soon.

HILLARY:  What?!  Barrack Obama is here???  Is this some kind of trick?

BILL:  Why don’tcha let us come in, Laura?  Do that and I’ll show ya a treat!

 

(BILL, GWB and LAURA all laugh while HILLARY scowls in the background.  We see BARRACK OBAMA and his wife in the background walking with a REALTOR.  The REALTOR pronounces his job title as “REAL-UH-TOUR” like on those new, annoying radio commercials.  OBAMA nods his head and says, “Yes!  We’ll take it!”  He and REALTOR shake hands.  Freeze scene and roll end credits.)