Excerpts from some of the best moments in the first 199 issues of Seek Therapy!  Enjoy!

 

 

Here they are!

 

 

 

Enjoy!

 

 

 

 

 

All of the best moments!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Well, we thought there would be at least one best moment.  This is kind of embarrassing.  Check back in another 100 issues.  In the meantime, has anyone seen the remote?  I swear to God I left it here on the couch.  Yes, I did check all the cushions.  No, I did NOT bring it into the bathroom with me.  I left it on the couch.  This couch.  I checked everywhere except…would you mind lifting your ass so I can check beneath it?  Yes.  Your ass.  I’ve checked everywhere except for the area under your ass.  Could you please stand up?  Look at that!  You just shifted your right cheek and now CNN is on!  The remote is under your ass!  Get up!  Hey!  Stop shifting!  Now it’s Chris Matthews and the other Socialists on MSNBC!  Get your ass off the remote!  “Grey’s Anatomy” is on in five minutes.  Yes, I know they’re annoying, but there’s something about them.  I want to feel sorry for those doctors and smack them at the same time.  Smack them hard.  Now give me the remote so we can watch Meredith bitch about her stupid relationship with McDreamy for the 146th time.  Stupid show.  No, you’re stupid.  Nuh uh.  You’re more stupider than me!

 

From the Jesus Christ murder trial:

LAWYER: And now, Mr. Christ, for the sake of the jury, can you please point to the man who sentenced you to death by crucifixion?

JESUS: That man right over there, sir.

JURY: Gasp!

PONTIUS PILATE: What?  Me?!  But…uh…I wasn’t even around on Good Friday!  We had a half-day at work and I left early, I swear to God!  I picked up my family and we headed to the shore for the weekend with the in-laws!  You wouldn’t believe the traffic on the AC Expressway.

JUDGE: Are you sure this was the man who sentenced you to death?

JESUS: Absolutely, your honor.  I never forget a face.  It’s why I CAME BACK FROM THE DEAD!  FOR REVENGE!!!  (Melodramatic music heard here.)

JURY: Gasp!

 

From the presidential journal of George W. Bush:

Dear Diary,

            Today was a good day.  I woke up, jogged a few miles, ate breakfast with a fork, attended a meeting with the cabinet, went poopy (in the potty this time), ate lunch with a spoon (I had some soup today…it was mmm mmm good!), then I watched a little “Tom & Jerry”.  That cartoon cracks me up.  When will Jerry learn?  That’s what I asked Dick.  When will Jerry learn that he’ll never get his way with that mouse?  Dick then told me that Jerry was the mouse and that Tom was the cat.  I told him he was insane.  I told Dick that he was dead wrong and he had better take it back.  Dick insisted that Tom was the cat and Jerry was the mouse.  I bit my bottom lip to keep myself from crying.  I said, “Oh…what are you going to tell me now?!  That Wile E. Coyote isn’t the roadrunner, for God’s sake?!”

 

Excerpt from the Dr. Phil Show:

WOMAN: And that’s why I’m so depressed, Dr. Phil.  With my husband leaving me for his secretary, my kids all grown up and leaving the house, my mother dying from cancer and now this in-grown toenail…I don’t think I can live any longer!

DR. PHIL: Calm down there, honey.  You know what your problem is?  Not only are you fat and ugly, but I’m sensing you don’t own one single copy of my latest book: If You’re Depressed You’re Probably Fat and Ugly So Stop Eating and Stop Looking in the Mirror by Dr. Phil.  If you go out and buy six copies today I can guarantee you’ll feel better.  I know I will.

WOMAN: Thank you, Dr. Phil!  I do own your other 37 books you’ve written this past year, but not your new one.  When will it hit bookstores?

DR. PHIL: 3:00 today.  About 4 hours after the release of my last book, How To Feel Better About Yourself in 4 Hours By Reading This Book While You’re In Line To Buy My Next Book: If You’re Depressed You’re Probably Fat and Ugly So Stop Eating and Stop Looking in the Mirror by Dr. Phil.  Here’s a Twinkie, lady.  Now get outta here and get in line at your local bookstore!

 

From the journal of John Mason…the fiancé of Jennifer Wilbanks (the Georgia Runaway Bride):

Dear Diary,

            For some reason, I keep getting phone calls from Florida realtors who want to sell me some land in their beloved state.  Ever since I told the media I still wanted to marry Jennifer everybody’s been calling me to sell me somethin’!  I don’t get it.  One nice salesman said he had 1,000 acres he’d like to sell me ON THE MOON!  He said I could grow a lotta cheese there.  I’m thinking of making such a wise investment.  Another nice gentleman of a salesman said he’d also like to sell me a set of balls, as he called it.  He told me they came in a pair.  “Why do I need these balls?” I asked him kindly.  He said Jennifer was holding my first set.  I didn’t understand what that meant, but I think I’ll buy them after I make settlement on my cheese farm on the moon.

Excerpt from the Larry King Live interview on CNN with Seek Therapy creator, Rob Carroll:

 

LARRY KING:  So, Rob, what’s this we’re hearing about Seek Therapy being canceled?

ROB CARROLL:  It’s just a rumor, Larry.  Just a rumor.

LARRY:  Then why are you here?

ROB:  Well…just in case the rumor is true, I’m attempting to market Seek Therapy to another internet provider.  Just in case that ugly rumor is true, mind you.

LARRY:  Let’s assume it is canceled.

ROB:  We’re just assuming, of course.

LARRY:  Of course.  In case it is canceled and it’s not picked up by another internet provider, can you please share with my audience the reason or reasons why Seek Therapy was canceled in the first place?

ROB:  Good question, Larry.  Now let me ask you a question.  If a freight train is leaving Pittsburgh headed west at 6AM going 80 mph, and a passenger train is leaving Chicago headed east at 7AM going 90 mph, what time is lunch served on the passenger train?

LARRY:  I dunno.  12:30?

ROB:  It’s a trick question, Larry.  The passenger train is only serving a lite brunch.

LARRY:  Now let me ask you something…

ROB:  No…let me ask you something.

LARRY:  This is my show and I’ll ask the questions.

ROB:  Fine!  Mother always did like you best!

LARRY:  What the hell is that supposed to mean?

ROB:  Ask your mother.

LARRY:  Why is Seek Therapy being discontinued?  Ratings are up…

ROB:  Yeah, the rumors are true.  Our current internet provider has dropped us.  I’m not sure why.  I think it was that issue when I somewhat dissed the Catholic Church.  I said Pope Benedict XVI bought an NFL football team.  The press asked, “Which one?”  And the Vatican responded, “Well, now New York will call them Bennie and the Jets.  The morning after that Seek Therapy was sent out, I awoke at 4AM when someone threw a Bible through my bedroom window.

LARRY:  That must have been a heavy Bible!

ROB:  It was attached to an anvil.  The guy who threw it threw his back out and was in agony on my front lawn.  I think he’s still there.  My family and I call him “Whiny.”

LARRY:  I was surprised you weren’t canceled after issue #14 where you examined the journals of past U.S. presidents.  That was easily your most crude issue.*

ROB:  Yeah, that was a good laugh.  Bill Clinton still won’t speak to me.

LARRY:  We’re sorry to see Seek Therapy go, Rob.  You’ve provided hundreds of laughs…at least in your own mind.

ROB:  It was a good run.  It started way, way back in March 2003.  Times were different then.  It was Bush’s first term in the Oval office.  The White House and the religious right were a bit more to the left then.  Just a bit.  I miss those days.  Also…back then I had ripped abs under this flab here.

LARRY:  Please tuck your plaid shirt back in.

ROB:  This isn’t my shirt.

LARRY:  Hideous.

ROB:  Quick question…has anyone ever mentioned you look like a lizard?

LARRY:  No.

ROB:  Oh……….uh………I was just wondering.

 

*Editor’s Note:  I have deleted that issue since back in 2003 it brought me a lot of angry e-mails.  It was very crude and quite frankly not very funny.  Also, in May 2005 as I wrapped up my job at the time, I was considering ending Seek Therapy. Unfortunately for you, the reader, it returned about a month later.

For the 100^th issue, the original plan was to conduct a roundtable discussion of Seek Therapy with such distinguished intellectuals as Dan Rather, Dennis Miller and that really smart dude from CSI…but this fell through when none of the people I contacted even heard of Seek Therapy.  I then attempted to contact Paris Hilton to see if she would like to discuss Seek Therapy or possibly perform for everyone by doing a couch dance followed by shooting diamonds out of her ass or something to that effect.  When her agent didn’t call back, I called Oprah Winfrey’s agent who said she’d be delighted to shoot diamonds out of her ass but her schedule was full.  I then called 14 other celebrities’ agents and was told the same, although Martha Stewart said she’d perform the diamond anal expulsion as long as she could then spend a half hour selling her worthless crap from prison.  I said no thanks.

 

Instead, some fans of Seek Therapy have come to the rescue to offer their insight and opinions on some of the first 99 issues:

 

Sam Hamstring, 42, of Burlington, VT: Even though I don’t think Seek Therapy is very funny (I’m a Christian, you know) I’d have to say my favorite ST had to have been the one where Rob was making fun of George W. Bush.  What a great idea to poke fun of the president during an election year.  So original.  Made me chuckle.  Yeah.  I wonder if anyone else in the entertainment world ever thought to satirize Bush in ’04.

 

Debbie Stiles, 64, of Austin, TX: My favorite Seek Therapy was the one where the Grim Reaper knocks on John Kerry’s door.  Kerry freaks out.  “Oh my God!  Am I dead?”  And the Grim Reaper responds, “No, but your chances of being the 2008 presidential nominee are, ya lanky stiff!”  Ha! Ha!  That was really funny.  Until I read that I had never considered John Kerry to be boring.  I guess he is, huh?

 

Josh Bordeaux, 6, of Boise, ID: My mommy reads me Seek Therapy every week.  My favorite issue was the one where God says he’ll strike down anyone who doesn’t like his next joke.  So he tells the joke and all the angels and souls laugh even though it’s not funny.  God turns around to see that Vincent Van Gogh didn’t laugh.  “Why art thou not laughing?” God asked.  “What?” asked the artist.  “I said, ‘Why art thou not laughing?’” God repeated.  “What’s that?” responded Van Gogh.  God crossed his arms.  “I asked why the hell you weren’t laughing at my joke?!” He yelled.  “I can’t hear you,” said Van Gogh.  “I chopped off my ear, ya know, and I’ve got this finger stuck in my other ear.  “Oh yeah!” laughed God.  “I forgot you chopped your friggin’ ear off, ya crazy galoot!  Ha! Ha! Ha!  By the way, get that finger out of yer ear.  You don’t know where it’s been.” Oh, that made me pee an entire puddle, let me tell you.

 

Sherie Bender, 30, of Los Angeles, CA: The best Seek Therapy was definitely the one where Burgess Meredith survives a nuclear holocaust and now has plenty of time to read the books he’s never had time to read.  And then, what a great twist, he accidentally breaks his glasses in the last scene!  Here he is with all the time in the world to read, and now he can’t because he’s blind as a bat without his glasses.  Great, great episode!  What?  That was The Twilight Zone?  Oh.  Then what the hell is Seek Therapy?

 

Peter Blessington, 92, of Portland, ME: I’m rather old and very feeble, but I look forward to my weekly dose of Seek Therapy cause it makes me laugh and when I laugh my false teeth fall out of what’s left of my mouth.  There was this one issue with Bill Clinton that really made me guffaw.  Hillary says to him, “Bill, you always told me that you would never cheat on the woman you love.”  “Yeah?” says Clinton.  “So?”  “So how come you’ve cheated on me 67 times?”  Bill chuckles.  “Cause you ain’t the woman I love, ya cold, heartless, conniving bitch!” he says.  Not only did my teeth fall out of my mouth, I laughed so hard that my sphincter dropped out of my ass!

 

Wendy Caruso, 39, of Wilmington, DE: Thank you, Rob, for 100 issues of Seek Therapy!  I’ve only read 3 or 4 and the ones I’ve read weren’t that funny, but still it’s more fun to read this crap than Reader’s Digest or something more substantial.  Anyway, my favorite issue was the one where Winnie the Pooh asks Christopher Robin, “I understand the name Winnie but what the %*@!* is this ‘Pooh’ nonsense?”  Christopher Robin replies, “I gave you the nickname cause when my parents bought you for me, the first thing I did was have a bowel movement, by Jove, and proceeded to wipe my ass with you.  For the first three days you were known as Winnie the Watery Skidmark but in my infinite wisdom I decided to shorten it to ‘Pooh’.  Now shut yer honey hole and make me laugh.”

Transcript from a secret surveillance of Dr. Phil’s home, dated 1/30/05:

 

(The secret camera was placed in Dr. Phil’s bedroom.  At 10:39 p.m. he can be seen walking into his bedroom with his wife, Robin.  He is wearing a tuxedo, she an evening gown, and both are beginning to undress.)

 

DR. PHIL: What a great book signing, huh, honey?

ROBIN: Sure was, Phil.

DR. PHIL: Honey, how many times do I have to tell you…?

ROBIN: Sorry.  It sure was, Dr. Phil.  Now I forget…which book was this for?  Life Strategies: Doing What Works, Doing What Matters or Relationship Rescue: A Seven-Step Strategy for Reconnecting with Your Partner?

DR. PHIL: Neither, sweetums.  Those books have already been New York Times bestsellers!  This was my new book: How To Eat Pasta, Chocolate, Donuts and Other Crap and Still Lose Lots of Weight by Me…Dr. Phil.

ROBIN: Oh.  Well, can you eat all of that and still lose weight?

DR. PHIL: Of course not!  But I’ll still sell 20 million books!

ROBIN: Aren’t you taking advantage of trusting Americans, Dr. Phil?

DR. PHIL: Honey buns, I’m only doing what other conniving frauds have done in the past!  Hell, look at Martha Stewart!  Street pedaling that crap to millions of idiot Americans who can’t buy enough of that sh*t!  Look at my own claim to fame, Oprah Winfrey!  Ever read her stupid magazine?  98% of each issue is filled with pictures of celebrities burying their lips up Oprah’s ass!  Why can’t I benefit from selling the same crap to half-witted Americans?

ROBIN: I don’t know, Dr. Phil.  I don’t think Americans are that stupid.

DR. PHIL: You don’t think so, huh?  Look at my two bestsellers!  Advice on How to Lose Weight From Me, Dr. Phil and How to Grow Your Hair Back and Regain Your Confidence in Bed.  (Here we see Dr. Phil take off his shirt and undershirt.  Robin walks over and helps her husband remove his girdle.)  If you haven’t noticed, honey, I’m bald and I am one fat f***!  Yet between the two books I sold 50 million copies!  I love America and I love stupid Americans!

ROBIN: What will you do once someone looks into your past and realizes that you’re not even a real doctor?

DR. PHIL: Who cares?  We’ve already made a jillion dollars on my last book, A Book About Nothing in Particular But You’ll Buy It Because I’m Dr. Phil and You’re a Stupid American. 

ROBIN: I did like the book you wrote in one day.

DR. PHIL: Oh, you mean Hey Everybody, I Wrote This Book In One Day and Even Though It’s Only 12 Pages I’m Going To Charge You $29.95 Because I’m Dr. Phil and You’re a Stupid American Who Does What I Tell You?  You mean that one?

ROBIN: No, I meant Here’s a Book I Wrote In One Day Because I Needed Some Extra Money To Buy the Country of Costa Rica and I Figured If I Wrote a Stupid Book My Stupid Publishing Company Would Publish It and You Stupid Americans Would Still Buy It Because You’re So Stupid.  I meant that one.

DR. PHIL: Yeah, that was a good one.  Dammit!  This girdle is really stuck, honey!  Get the scissors!

ROBIN: Why don’t you write a children’s book?

DR. PHIL: I did.  Last night.  It’s called Here’s a Stupid Children’s Book For Your Stupid Kids by Me, Dr. Phil.  I’m still waiting for the illustrations to be completed.

ROBIN: I love you, Phil!

DR. PHIL: That’s Dr. Phil, sweetums.  Don’t you forget it!

Excerpt from Dr. Sara Mecum’s session with Bob and Denise Jenkins in Portland, OR. Dr. Mecum is a marriage therapist.

 

DENISE: …and that’s why I told Bob that if he doesn’t start listening I’ll have no choice but to leave him.

DR. MECUM: And how does that make you feel, Bob?

BOB: How does what make me feel?

DR. MECUM: The fact that Denise believes you don’t listen to her.  How does that make you feel?

BOB: I don’t care if Denise feels that I’m not listening to her.  It doesn’t matter anymore.

DR. MECUM: Why do you say that?

BOB: Because I’m not Bob Jenkins.  (Somehow, melodramatic music is heard here.) Denise, I’m not sure how you’ll take this, but I’m not the man you married.

DENISE: What the hell are you talking about?

BOB: Remember that getaway weekend in Vancouver two years ago?  You said I seemed distant?

DENISE: Yes.  I remember it vividly.  The first night I asked if you wanted to fool around and you seemed preoccupied with the air conditioner.  And it was January.

BOB: Right.  And the marriage has been downhill ever since, correct?

DENISE: Yes.  Why?

BOB: Two days before that weekend, your husband Bob Jenkins was abducted by an alien species from the planet Cretin in the Atmosphincter Galaxy.  About 3 million light years away from Earth, 2.5 million if you’re traveling with the wind to your back. 

DENISE: If aliens abducted my husband, then who the hell are you?

BOB: My name is Colonel XR-47.  My friends call me XR-47.  You may call me Colonel XR-47. While we were studying your husband, I was to live with you in his place.  I had drawn the shortest straw.

DENISE: If that’s the case, why are you telling me this now?  Why blow your cover, so to speak?

XR-47: Well…I’ve been notified by my mothership that we have completed all of the tests to your husband.  He was scheduled to replace me at 2300 hours this evening.  Problem is…he doesn’t want to come back.

DENISE: What do you mean?

XR-47: He was telling Dr. QW-59, she’s our ship therapist, that you’re quite the shrew and he’s…what was the exact quote?  He has “never lived with such peace in my entire life these last two years.  And you Cretinite women are pretty schuweeeeet!”  We can’t seem to kick him off the ship.  Nice of him to teach us this game you call “poker” but after that he’s been quite the unwieldy mass.

DENISE: This is awful!  Bob doesn’t want to come home because of me!  What can I do?  What can I say?

XR-47: Listen, he’s standing right outside the door.  Let me bring him in and you two tax-paying Earthlings hash this out.  (XR-47 exits.)

DENISE: Poor Bob!  What a horrible wife I’ve been!

BOB: Honey?

DENISE: Bob?  Honey?  Oh, God, what have they done to you?

BOB: I’m fine, sweetheart.  It actually hasn’t been a bad two years.  I sure have missed reality TV shows.  I bet they’ve improved in quality since I left, huh?

DENISE: Uh…

BOB: Honey, I have to be honest.  I miss being home but I don’t want things to be the same as before if I come back.  Do you see where I’m pointing?

DENISE: Your ass?

BOB: Yes.  You need to stop crawling up there.  And in return, I’ll promise to be a better husband and listen to you more.  We both made mistakes, honey, and together we can fix them!

DENISE: Oh, honey!  It is you!  I’m so glad you?re home!  I will stop nagging, I promise! (Sound of kissing.)  Let’s go home and make up for lost time!

BOB: Okay, hon. I’ll be with you in a sec.  (Sound of DENISE exiting.)

DR. MECUM: That was brilliant, Mr. Jenkins.  Top notch acting. You are blessed with an amazing imagination.  An imagination that probably just saved your marriage.  Best of luck to you and Mrs. Jenkins and please keep in touch.  Is there anything else I can do for you?

BOB: Yeah.  Do you own the blue BMW in the parking lot?

DR. MECUM: Yes, why?

BOB: You may want to call your insurance rep.  The Cretinite mothership accidentally landed on it when they dropped me off.

Some fans of Seek Therapy take a look back at the first 49 issues:

 

Bill Howitzer, 33, of Lexington, KY: My favorite Seek Therapy had to have been the one where the FBI captured Joey Klotz, the man responsible for causing all “gaper delays” on every major highway in the United States.  “I can’t help myself,” Mr. Klotz admitted to authorities soon after a ritual cop beating. “You see an accident on the other side of the road, and, and, you just have to stop to see if there is any blood or dismemberment or something!  Stuff like that just makes my day.”  Amazingly, Klotz was apprehended while dispersing funds at an ATM machine in a local supermarket, causing quite a backup there as well.  The world will certainly be a better place without simpletons like Klotz slowing us down!

 

Neil Dodge, 78, of Miami, FL: My favorite Seek Therapy was the one where Martha Stewart is writing in her diary.  She says she’s sorry for lying to the government and the American people but she’s not sorry for pushing hundreds of thousands of stupid ass ideas for recipes, wreaths, bows, needlework and other “worthless crap” upon those same Americans!  “Americans are stupid, stupid people,” she wrote.  “They needed some ogre bitch like me to show them how to tie a f*#!&! knot and how to make f*#!&! gravy, and I did it and now I’m a zillionaire and Americans are still stupid!”  Stupid and free, you convict!

 

Tracy Brown, 52, of Intercourse, PA: The best Seek Therapy was definitely the one where God comes down to Earth and tells the United States of America that he’s a Democrat.  Upon hearing this, Bill Clinton drops his pants, whips out his man-tool and cries out, “Well, things are looking up!”  Reminded me of the 90s.

 

Rudy Ferogi, 47, of Houston, TX: The best Seek Therapy was definitely the one where the kindergarten kids are arrested because they’re pretending their thumbs and forefingers are guns and they’re shooting toy dinosaurs.  “What the hell is going on around here?” cried Billy Gindin, as he was being handcuffed and strip-searched.  “I’m only 5-years-old!”  Amen, Mr. Carroll!  Showing Americans, especially daycare and grade schoolteachers, that not every kid is going to grow up and cause the next Columbine!  This great country has become so f*#!&! uptight you can shove coal up America’s ass and pull out a diamond!  Makes me sick!  I’m so depressed I’m gonna go out and shoot some empty soup cans in my backyard with my flat-matted handgun!

 

Debbie Parker, 26, of Wilmington, DE: My favorite Seek Therapy had to have been the one where the two monkeys are sitting in a diner, discussing Bush and the First Amendment and how the American government seems to be spending way too much time and energy cracking down on disc jockeys and (CENSORED) entertainers rather than the (CENSORED) al-Quaeda!  Who gives a (CENSORED) about (CENSORED) (CENSORED) when there are more important matters to deal with such as this jobless (CENSORED) and the (CENSORED) that Bush continues to (CENSORED) when everything is getting outsourced to (CENSORED) and (CENSORED) (CENSORED) (CENSORED) (CENSORED) and (CENSORED) and (CENSORED).  So funny!

 

Linda Lusardi, 4, of Green Bay, WI: My favorite Seek Therapy was the one where God comes down to Earth and tells the United States that…that…this one was already mentioned?  Oh, sorry.  Honestly, I’m only four-years-old.  I can barely read Hop On Pop.  OK?  You think I’m going to read this Seek Therapy crap?  Hold on, someone’s at my door.  Looks like it’s the police again!  Listen!  I made an “OK” sign with my thumb and forefinger!  It was not a gun!  Shit!  I gotta get outta here!