Excerpt from the Brett Favre news conference on 8/4/08 from Hattiesburg, MS:

FAVRE:  I’d like to thank y’all for coming to this here press conference today.  I’m here to make a statement that was written here by this here lawyer who happens to be my brother-in-law and my fellow farmhand.  Thanks for writin’ this, Bubba.

PRESS:  Are you going to show up at the Green Bay Packers’ training camp, Brett?

FAVRE:  No, I ain’t.

PRESS:  Are the Packers going to trade you to the Minnesota Vikings or Chicago Bears?

FAVRE:  I’m not sure, but why don’tcha let me read this here statement?  I, Brett Favre, have decided to throw my helmet in the ring…aw, that’s cute, Bubba.  He wrote ‘helmet’ instead of ‘hat’.  I guess ‘cause I’m a football player.  That’s cute.  Anyways, I have decided to throw my helmet into the ring for President of the United States.  Of America, even.

PRESS:  Gasp!  Brett!  You’re going to run for president?

FAVRE:  That’s what it says right here in the statement.  Thanks, Bubba.

PRESS:  Why?

FAVRE:  For starters, I’m Brett Favre.  There’s no arguing that.  I’m probably one of the top 4 or 7 quarterbacks ever in the history of professional football.  And that includes the Canadian league and the USFL.  God, I loved the New Jersey Generals.

PRESS:  But why run for president?

FAVRE:  I think I already mentioned that I’m Brett Favre.  If I can bring the Lombardi Trophy home to Green Bay, imagine what I can do for our healthcare system.  Hey, remember the San Antonio Gunslingers and the Michigan Panthers in the USFL?  They had the coolest helmets.

PRESS:  The Democrats are about to nominate Barack Obama and the Republicans have John McCain.  Which political party will endorse you?

FAVRE:  I’m thinking the Beer Drinking Party.  I like my beer, but who dern’t?

PRESS:  Did you just say, ‘Who dern’t’?

FAVRE:  Yeah, I believe I did.

PRESS:  Is that a word?

FAVRE:  If it ain’t, it is now!  I’m Brett Favre and I can add any new words to the vocabulary as I see fit.  If I was able to win the NFL MVP three times, imagine what I can do to fix this mess in Iraq.

PRESS:  But will the American public take your bid seriously?

FAVRE:  They should.  They saw how serious I took my acting when I starred in There’s Something About Mary.  They saw how serious I was when I retired back in March and then decided to un-retire a few weeks ago just because.  Why shouldn’t I run for president?  You folks in the media sure ain’t gonna slam me while I’m in the White House.  Ya never slammed me when I played football.  God, how many boneheaded game-ending interceptions did I throw to help us lose in the playoffs the last 10 years?  And you folks would say or write, “There’s Brett being Brett, ha ha ha!”  It’d be a sin if I didn’t run!  I’d be more of a Teflon president than Ronald Reagan!

PRESS:  Since you have decided to come out of retirement, why not just stick to football?

FAVRE:  How many times does I have to tell’s ya that I’m Brett Favre?  I’ve already proven that I can play football again.  A whole mess of teams wants me.  But I think I was born and bred for bigger things in life.  Just like my horsies.

(We see BUBBA step up to the podium and whisper in FAVRE’s ear.  BUBBA steps back.)

FAVRE:  Uh…ladies and gernts, there’s been a new development.  The Democrats and Republicans have just offered to pay me, Brett Favre, $10 million each to not run for president!  (He pulls out a calculator.)  By my reckoning, that’s twenty million dollars! 

PRESS:  Did you just say, ‘Gernts’?

FAVRE:  I need ter consult with my wife, Bubba and my horsies.  Let’s just say that Brett Favre, that’s me, might just stay retired for now.  Thanks again for coming down here and I’m sure I’ll see y’all soon on the set of Dancing With the Stars!

 

From the family room of Bill Dunmore, 36 and his son Tyler, 8 of Leesburg, VA:

TYLER:  Daddy?  Can we please stop watching the news and watch some sports instead?

BILL:  I agree, son.  I think we should turn off the news.  Nothing but Iraq, political scandals, murders and kidnappings.  Let’s put on some sports to take our mind off of the real world.  *CLICK!*

DAVID STERN (NBA commissioner):  We think we have here a rogue, isolated criminal.  I feel betrayed by what happened on behalf of the sport.  I also understand that Tim Donaghy is the only referee alleged to have bet on NBA games and disclosed confidential information to others.

BILL:  Uh, let’s watch the NFL Network, son.  *CLICK!*

ROGER GOODELL (NFL Commissioner):  While it is for the criminal justice system to determine your guilt or innocence, Michael Vick, it is my responsibility as commissioner of the National Football League to determine whether your conduct, even if not criminal, nonetheless violated league policies, including the Personal Conduct Policy.

TYLER:  Daddy?  I wanna watch sports!

BILL:  I’m trying, son.  I’m trying.  Let’s watch some baseball!  *CLICK!*

BUD SELIG (Major League Baseball Commissioner):  Hey, look…I attended the Giants’ games in my hometown of Milwaukee, alright?  It’s not my fault that Barry Bonds didn’t break Hank Aaron’s record there.  Will I go to San Francisco for their next series?  Maybe, maybe not.  This is a joyless, fraudulent pursuit of a very cherished baseball record.  There’s certainly plenty of more than anecdotal evidence that he was cheating on his way to getting to this record, and I think the fans are not gonna forgive that.  Wait, did I just say that out loud?

BILL:  My goodness, maybe we can watch the Tour de France… *CLICK!*

PHIL LIGGETT (Cycling Announcer for Versus Network):  …and it’s just a shame that Floyd Landis couldn’t be here to defend his title due to the doping charges.  At least the riders this year have learned from his mistake and…what’s that?  This just in.  I don’t believe this.  Tour de France rider Alexandre Vinokourov tested positive for a banned blood transfusion after winning last weekend’s time trial, prompting his Astana team to pull out of the race today!  Are you kidding me???

TYLER:  Daddy!

BILL:  Let’s try soccer!  *CLICK!*

DAVE O’BRIEN (ESPN analyst):  David Beckham played 13 minutes in his debut for the Los Angeles Galaxy tonight in which he kicked the ball twice and did not score.  For those of you keeping score, that would be $46,000 for the 13 minutes or $23,000 per kick.  Most of Beckham’s teammates are making less than $50,000 per season…

BILL:  OK!  Let’s just try wrestling, for crying out loud!  *CLICK!*

ANNOUNCER:  …been determined that WWE wrestler Chris Benoit strangled his wife and suffocated his son before hanging himself…

TYLER:  Daddy?

BILL:  Yes, son?

TYLER:  Can you please put the news back on?  Sports really scares me…

From the journal of Steve Jenkins, 33, of Broomall, PA:
January 5, 2007
A very strange day today. Very strange. Beyond strange. It was 10:20 this morning when I took a sip of my Dunkin’ Donuts coffee (I don’t care what Katie says…I still believe Dunkin’ is better than Starbucks!) and it had become quite cold over the course of my boring con call. So I walked into the kitchen to nuke the cup for a couple of minutes.

Here’s where everything got weird. I stuck the cup in the microwave and hit 2 minutes. As I hit start I heard Jim say, “Hey Steve! Let’s go Eagles, huh?” as he walked into the kitchen. As I was about to respond, the microwave began to crackle. I looked inside and saw that one of my moron co-workers had left a metal fork in the microwave! Sparks were flying! The sound of static filled the air and the microwave seemed to actually jump! There was a loud *POP!* sound and the lights in the kitchen flickered. Then everything went silent.

“Who the heck left a fork in the microwave?!” I yelled as I flung open the door. I grabbed the fork and threw it in the sink. I grabbed my radioactive cup of java and shut the door. I turned to face Jim and immediately noticed that his clothes were different!

“Well?” he said. “How about those Eagles? Losing on a last second, 60-yard field goal! Unbelievable!”

“What?” I said. “What are you talking about?”

“The Eagles!” Jim bellowed as he placed his mug in the microwave. “What a way to lose! Up 17-7 in the 4th quarter, letting the stinkin’ Giants tie it in the last minute, fumbling the ensuing kickoff, and letting the Giants win in the last second on a 60-yarder! UNBELIEVABLE!”

As I was about to ask Jim why he was talking about the Eagles game in the past, I looked down and saw that my clothes were different! What the hell was going on here?! “Jim,” I said quickly. “What day is this?”

“Huh?” he said. “It’s Monday, January 8th. What are ya, an idiot?”

Oh my God! I thought to myself. Nuking metal in the microwave caused me to jump 3 days into the future! And to make matters worse, the Eagles somehow lost to the Giants in the playoff game this coming Sund…er…yesterday! “We actually lost to New York?!” I cried.

“Yeah,” said Jim as he nuked his coffee. “Did you fall asleep or something? Tiki Barber ran for 220 yards! Garcia threw 3 interceptions! Westbrook broke his foot in the first quarter! Where have you been?”

He grabbed his coffee and walked out. Stunned, I walked back to my desk and pulled up MSNBC.com. I was equally stunned by the headlines! “PRESIDENT BUSH ANNOUNCES HE’S A ‘STONE COLD STUBBORN IDIOT’ AND THAT HE WAS ‘COMPLETELY WRONG’ ABOUT IRAQ! TROOPS TO COME HOME IN 2 MONTHS!” “HILLARY CLINTON DECIDES NOT TO RUN FOR PRESIDENT IN ’08 BECAUSE ‘I FINALLY REALIZED WHAT A COMPLETE BITCH AND FRAUD I AM AND HEY, AMERICA DESERVES BETTER THAN MY TIRED ASS’.” “MARTHA STEWART ADMITS HER PRODUCT LINE AT K-MART IS ‘NOTHING BUT CRAP’.” “DR. PHIL ADMITS HE’S FAT AND BALD AND STILL CAN’T BELIEVE HE’S SOLD 40,000,000 BOOKS ON HAIR GROOMING AND WEIGHT LOSS.” And finally, “OPRAH ANNOUNCES THAT SHE WILL ACTUALLY HAVE A PICTURE OF SOMEONE OR SOMETHING ELSE GRACE THE COVER OF O MAGAZINE AT LEAST ONCE IN 2007!”

At that point, the lights flickered again and I found myself once again wearing my Friday clothes. Was it a dream? Could the Eagles really lose to the Giants on Sunday? I was going to call my bookie and bet the house on New York, but those internet headlines convinced me that I obviously must have been hallucinating.

It was time to switch to Starbucks.

(With Philadelphia Eagles head coach, Andy Reid)

PSYCHOLOGIST DR. MORTIMER VINOKUR, Ph.D.: Okay, Coach Reid, I’m going to say a word or phrase and I want you to respond with the first thing that comes into your head. Okay?
REID: I take full responsibility.
VINOKUR: We haven’t started yet.
REID: Oh.
VINOKUR: Here we go. “Donovan McNabb.”
REID: Pass.
VINOKUR: You can’t pass. You need to respond.
REID: That is my response. “Pass.”
VINOKUR: Oh, I get it. He’s your quarterback.  Let’s try another one. “Brian Westbrook.”
REID: Pass.
VINOKUR: “3rd and inches.”
REID: Pass.
VINOKUR: “Ryan Moats”, “Lamar Gordon”, “Josh Parry”, “Reno Mahe.”
REID: Pass, pass, pass and what was that last one?
VINOKUR: Mahe.
REID: Mahé is the main island of the Seychelles group and has over 60 idyllic beaches. The capital city, Victoria, is the seat of the Seychelles government and has a population of about thirty thousand – which represents just under half of the entire population of the islands.

VINOKUR: Hmmm, this is worse than I thought. Try this one: “4th and goal at the one-foot line when any coach from the flag football level to the NFL would clearly run the quarterback sneak.”
REID: What do you think?
VINOKUR (sigh): Pass.
REID: You got it.  Now where’s that free lunch?
VINOKUR: We’re not done yet.  Let’s try another one. “Stubborn jackass who thinks he knows everything just because he’s had success coaching his football team in the past.”
REID: Bill Parcells.
VINOKUR: That’s a fair response.
REID: Do I smell fried onions somewhere?
VINOKUR: Don’t worry, you’ll get your free lunch.  Hmmm, let’s try this. “Walk.”
REID: Don’t run.
VINOKUR: “Jog.”
REID: No, thanks.
VINOKUR: “(Blank) with the Devil”.
REID: Van Halen.
VINOKUR: “Walk, don’t…”
REID: Jog.
VINOKUR: “Let’s (blank) to the Burger King Drive-Thru before it closes.”
REID: Okay.
VINOKUR: Dammit, man! I don’t think the word “run” exists in your vocabulary!
REID: That’s not true. Just last night I had to run to the bathroom to hurl the greasy eggs and scrapple I inhaled at the Old Country Buffet. I think I did a 4.6.

(The editor would like to apologize for the preceding issue of “Seek Therapy.” It shows a lack of class to take a cheap shot at the Old Country Buffet. Their greasy eggs and scrapple are really not that greasy…if you let them drain for a few minutes before you shovel the artery clogging slop down your throat.)