Special thanks to Dr. Horace J. Greensplatt, PhD, who recently discovered time travel by accidentally connecting his iPad2 to his wife’s vibrator.  By doing so, Greensplatt opened a portal to the internet of the future and specifically the front page of MSNBC.com.  Here are a few examples of headlines from the world of tomorrow…

 

USA AND MEXICO FINALLY DECIDE TO SWITCH COUNTRIES!

AP-March 7, 2021

WASHINGTON, D.C.-After months of heated debates and negotiations, the governments of Mexico and the United States of America have officially decided yesterday to swap countries.

“It only makes sense,” said President Sanchez of the Unites States.  “For two years now, there have been more Mexicans living in the U.S. than in Mexico.  At the same time, more gringos have found their destiny by traveling over the Rio Grande.  So why not switch?” 

The 2020 census results show that the U.S. is now made up of 68% Mexican born illegal immigrants while the country of Mexico is now populated with 64% of American citizens who escaped the U.S. mainly because they can’t speak Spanish.

“It’s easier to swap countries and make this Mexico than to deal with all of that paperwork in making millions of illegal immigrants legal,” said President Sanchez as he puffed his cigar.

However, once the news leaked that the United States of America would now become Mexico and Mexico would become the new United States, millions of Mexican illegals suddenly flocked south to the borders of Arizona, New Mexico and Texas…

 

PHILADELPHIA EAGLES SIGN PLAXICO BURRESS

AP-July 29, 2011

PHILADELPHIA, PA-Eagles President Joe Banner announced today that the team has indeed signed former Steelers and Giants wide receiver, Plaxico Burress, to a one-year deal, only months after his 2-year prison term ended.  This comes two years after the Eagles signed former felon Michael Vick.

“One convict throwing to another,” Banner quipped as he puffed on his cigar.  “We figure we should be able to steal a few wins with that combo, huh?”

Banner also announced that a special booth would be installed in Lincoln Financial Field for the growing number of parole officers needed around the football team.

Coach Andy Reid joked that the new nickname for the team should be the “Jail” Birds and then he cleared his throat.

On an unrelated note, the front office also announced that Casey Anthony would be heading up the Eagles Cheerleading squad for 2011…

 

LADY GAGA IS A ROBOT!

AP-October 12, 2013

LOS ANGELES, CA-While performing her new hit single, My Mind is a Coffin, from her new album, Egg-cellent!, Lady Gaga’s left leg fell off.  As she reached down to pick it up, the audience screamed in horror as Gaga’s torso fell the floor, leaving a one legged stand on the stage.  Gaga’s torso immediately righted itself and commanded her band to play “Born This Way”, obviously a weak attempt at humor.  As audience members screamed and ran for the exits, Lady Gaga tried to calm everyone down by announcing that she was indeed a cyborg created by legendary pop star Madonna and some mad Bulgarian scientist who was “looking to have a bit of fun.”

 

THE WORLD DOES NOT END!

AP-December 22, 2012

NASHVILLE, TN-Well, it looks like the Mayans were wrong!  December 21, 2012 came and went and the world did not end.

“I’m mildly disappointed,” said former Vice-President and current blowhard Al Gore from the steps of his private jet.  “I thought by the world ending it would have taught everyone a lesson about carbon emissions.  We all need to drive smaller, more fuel efficient cars and we need to drive less or the world will really end!”

Gore then boarded his jet for a tour around the country, a tour that will have the jet use 80,000 gallons of fuel and carbon emissions reaching 3,000 tons of CO2. 

The tour is to warn Americans about lessening our combined carbon footprint.

Many international scientists agree that if Al Gore were to duct tape his mouth shut, that would save the world roughly 3,000 tons of CO2 emissions per day.

 

SOCIAL SECURITY RUNS OUT!

AP-May 10, 2015

 WASHINGTON, D.C.-President Obama today announced that money for social security has completely dried up.  “No more money,” the president shrugged as he puffed on his cigar.  “What can I tell ya?”  When asked where all the money went, Obama said, “Who knew that people would live well into their 90s, ya know?  There are just too many old people!  Plus, we never budgeted for all of the illegal Mexicans who also have their hands out for our benefits.  God, I swear it would be easier if we just switched countries!”

Six Native Americans Angry Over the Name “Redskins”

 

WASHINGTON, D.C.-(AP) How long will the Washington Redskins stay the Redskins? The professional football team has long been the focus of controversy for what some consider a defamatory name, and after 17 years of legal wrangling, the Supreme Court may hear a suit that could revoke the Washington Redskins federal protection of their name and logo. On Sept. 14, six Native Americans with way too much time on their hands petitioned the high court to hear their appeal.

 

“I think people will look back on this case 20 years from now, and really wonder why this was ever considered a debatable issue,” says Chief Hihowareya, an attorney representing the Native Americans pro bono in the suit.

 

“Redskin is the most derogatory word you can use to describe a Native American,” says Load of Bull, founder of the International Indian Treaty Council. The term originates from the bounty-hunting days, when colonies and companies would pay settlers for dead American Indians.

 

“Scalps, called redskins were used as trophies and proof because it was too difficult to carry the entire body, says Sunny To Partly Cloudy, one of the plaintiffs in the suit. “This term describes a heinous act,” Cloudy adds.

 

“How would you like it if an NFL team was called the New York Crackers or the Philadelphia Honkys?” Load of Bull asked a white reporter.

 

“I’d say ‘Who gives a shit?’” responded the reporter.  “We have soldiers dying in Iraq and Afghanistan, the swine flu may kill thousands in the U.S. this winter, the economy is still in the tank, millions of Americans have been unemployed for far too long, healthcare costs are still sky-rocketing while our filthy rich politicians still can’t figure out a way to make some reforms…and you’re upset that the NFL team in Washington…since 1937…is called the Redskins?  Where were you in 1937?  1957?  In the 1970s?  80s?  Now you care???  Hey, my great-grandmother is Danish and Norwegian, so the name Minnesota Vikings offends me!”

 

“My grandfather worked in a meat factory, so the name Green Bay Packers offends me!” said another reporter.  “And he is the one Irishman who doesn’t have a bad temper, so the name Notre Dame Fighting Irish offends the hell outta me!”

 

“I’m a Quaker,” said another reporter.  “How dare the University of Pennsylvania use the name Quakers for their sports teams!  Quakers don’t play sports!  We just wear funny hats and eat oatmeal!  Change those names!  What do you think of that?  Change all the names to the Honkys!  Who gives a shit?!  Did you know that in 2004, the Annenberg Public Policy Center at the University of Pennsylvania asked 768 Native Americans whether they were offended by the Washington Redskins’ name?  About 90 percent of those polled said they were not bothered, and only 9 percent said they found the team name offensive.* And 100% of those 90% said ‘Who gives a shit?’**”

 

At that, Load of Bull, Chief Hihowareya and Sunny To Partly Cloudy were silent.  “Well,” said Bull as he puffed on his peace pipe which clearly offended the non-smokers.  “I guess now is a bad time to mention that we’re also suing the Atlanta Braves, Chicago Blackhawks, Cleveland Indians and Kansas City Chiefs…”

 

*True!

**Not true!

 

Man with 10-year erection awarded $400,000

Malfunctioning penile implant is painful and can’t be removed

 

PROVIDENCE, R.I. – A former handyman has won more than $400,000 in a lawsuit over a penile implant that gave him a 10-year erection.

 

Charles “Chick” Lennon, 68, received the steel and plastic implant in 1997, about a year before Viagra went on the market. The Dura-II is designed to allow impotent men to position the penis upward for sex, then lower it.

 

But Lennon could not position his penis downward. He said he could no longer hug people, ride a bike, swim or wear bathing trunks because of the pain and embarrassment.  “I got stiffed big time,” said Lennon. 

 

He has become a recluse and is uncomfortable being around his grandchildren, his lawyer said.  “I don’t like sitting on Grampa’s lap anymore,” said granddaughter Megan, age 16.  “It’s almost as bad as when my cousin Dennis played “Hide the Cucumber” with me behind the barn.”

 

In 2006, a jury awarded him $750,000. A judge called that excessive and reduced it to $400,000. On Friday, the Rhode Island Supreme Court affirmed that award in a ruling that turned on a procedural matter.

 

“I don’t know any man who for any amount of money would want to trade and take my client’s life,” said Jules D’Alessandro, Lennon’s attorney. “He’s not a whole person.”

 

“I can’t believe we were awarded this money!” exclaimed Lennon’s wife, Matilda, who hasn’t left the bedroom since 1997 and hasn’t been able to walk since 1999.  “Some people say this has been hard on Chick.  Well, it’s been hard on me as well and I’m thanking God every night!”

 

A lawyer representing both Dura-II manufacturer Dacomed Corp. and the company’s insurer declined to comment. Dacomed maintained that nothing was wrong with the implant.  “Mr. Lennon should just ride this out,” said one of the Dacomed engineers who wished to remain anonymous.  “The 10-year warranty on his mammoth shaft runs out next month.”

 

The implant consists of a series of plastic plates strung together with steel surgical wire, almost like a roll of wrapped coins. Springs press against the plates, creating enough surface tension to simulate an erection, D’Alessandro said.

 

Lennon cannot get the implant removed because of health problems, including open-heart surgery as well as having his buttocks replaced with implants, his lawyer said.  “I’m also suing the company that sold me my new ass!”  Lennon cried as he shook his…uh…um…implant at the media.  “You should see the one they put on me.  It’s cracked!”  Ironically, Lennon had sought a new set because his natural buttocks “had a hole in ‘em.”

 

Impotence drugs could not help Lennon even if he were able to have the device taken out, because tissue had to be removed for it to be implanted. 

 

“My life is hell,” sighed Lennon.  “There’s a line of women wrapped around my block…24/7.  I feel like a piece of meat.  I swear to God I’ve never been this hard up.”

 

 

On Every News Website, On the Front Page of Every Newspaper, Because 2 Days Before Thanksgiving All Editors Lose All Originality:

HOLIDAY TRAVELERS TAKE TO ROADS, SKIES

 

(AP)(CNN)(MSNBC)(FOX)(ETC.)  Millions of Americans are traveling around the country for the holiday known as Thanksgiving.  Despite a record high in the cost of gasoline, Americans are still driving on the roads to visit families or buying airfare to travel on airplanes to…uh…visit families.

The travel organization AAA estimates 38.7 million Americans nationwide will travel 50 miles or more from home this Thanksgiving. That represents a 1.5 percent increase over last year and a 2.4 percent increase from 2005 which means there was a .9 increase from 2005 to 2006. 

Jim Wellington and his family of four from West Chester, PA, are driving to York, PA to visit Jim’s sister, Nancy and her family.  “I like to drive out Route 30,” said Wellington, 38, a tax accountant.  “It’s pretty much a straight drive until I get out to Route 83 when I hang a left.”

“We like to drive there on Tuesday instead of Wednesday,” piped in Carol, Jim’s wife.  “The traffic is much less heavy on the Tuesday before Thanksgiving instead of the day before.”

And the high cost of gasoline these days?

“What are ya gonna do?” Jim laughed as he threw his wife and two kids an odd glance, probably wondering how this reporter snuck into the back of his mini-van in the first place to ask such stupid questions.

Many Americans are also flying in airplanes to visit loved ones.  Ed and Debbie Beezle of Upland, PA are waiting in the security line at the Philadelphia International Airport.  “We can’t believe how long this line is,” sighed Debbie, 27 and a labor analyst.  “We never thought this line would be this long two days before Thanksgiving!”  The Beezles are visiting Debbie’s parents in Chicago where bad weather has caused some holiday traveling delays.  If their flight is delayed, the Beezles have actually decided to sleep in the airport and wait for another flight to Chicago when the weather is not as bad.

And the high cost of airfare for holiday traveling?

“What are ya gonna do?” Ed laughed as he removed his sneakers and placed them in a plastic bin along with his watch and cell phone. 

“Where’s your wedding ring?” this reporter asked.

“Don’t bring that up,” Ed, 29, an IT Programmer/Analyst.  “My wife doesn’t know that I lost it at a bachelor party last week.”

“What was that?” Debbie, still 27 and a labor analyst, asked.

“Nothing, dear,” replied Ed, did I mention he’s using Rogaine and it probably won’t do him any good?

“The key for air travelers is to arrive at the airport with plenty of time and get to the gate early,” Roger Hurley, an airport official said.  “They’re going to board these planes extra early. Don’t saunter up there 15 minutes before. We’re recommending being at the gate at least 45 minutes in advance.  And in case there are delays, bring a snack or some reading material.”

Finally, Linda Campbell of San Diego just arrived in Philly and had this advice for travelers, “Try not to check in any bags,” she said.  “If you don’t have to check in, then you can move through the lines a lot faster and you don’t have to worry about picking up any kind of luggage when you get off your flight.”

For more information, please email www.noduh.com

Muslims Erupt In Violence After Pope Calls Them…Uh…Violent

“We will kill Pope Benedict for calling us murderous scoundrels!” said Abdul Habib Mohammed, age 6.

THE VATICAN, ITALY – One day after Pope Benedict quoted the oft-quoted 14th-century Byzantine emperor Manuel II Paleologus, violence has erupted around the globe.  “All I did was quote Manny 2P (as his friends called him), and all of Islam is up my papal ass!” griped the Pope. 

Muslims throughout the Middle East set off Molotov cocktails, blowing up vehicles, horse-drawn wagons, (and some other wagons drawn by human artists as well) in Israel, Syria, Iraq, Iran and Egypt.  “How dare the Pope call us violent!” screamed some Muslims as they threw cinder blocks through the windows of some local businesses.  “We will burn down Catholic churches and kill all Christians until the Pope retracts his statement calling us violent!  The nerve…”

“The Pope is simply a man who is ignorant of Islam and the history of Islam,” said one woman as she shot this reporter in the left foot.

In the Pope’s controversial speech, the pope quoted 14th-century Byzantine emperor Manuel II Paleologus who said: “Show me just what Mohammed brought that was new, and there you will find things only evil and inhuman, such as his command to spread by the sword the faith he preached.”

“I said I was sorry,” said the Pope.  “I mean, what the hell do they want from me?  I didn’t dis’ the Muslims!  Manny 2P did!  I just quoted him, ‘tis all!  It’s not like I’m Danish and I drew a cartoon of that clown Mohammed or anything!  Do I have to say I’m sorry a hundred times?  I mean, c’mon!  Get over yourselves already!”  When it was suggested, however, by the Organization of the Islamic Conference that the Pope should apologize a hundred times, the Pope immediately obliged.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” he began then paused to reflect.  “Talk about déjà vu!  Sounds like me only a year ago with that little priest issue, huh?”