Excerpt from the 2004 Kosterman Holiday Letter, Madison, WI:

…which is why we were voted “Greatest White Suburban Family In the History of Madison” for the 5^th straight year!  Doug thought the best way to celebrate was by buying me a toggle bracelet from Tiffany’s.  In return I bought him a new set of Big Bertha’s.  And Doug doesn’t even play golf.  And together we bought Matt and Michelle new BMWs and Mark a Sony KE-42XS910 60” WEGA Plasma HD TV for his bedroom.  And for little Melissa (our wonderful surprise from 3 years ago!) we bought Elmo.  No, not that silly “Tickle Me Elmo” I’m sure you bought for your average children…we bought her the real Elmo you see on Sesame Street.  Well, the Elmo you used to see.  He’s actually moving in for good today!

 

Well, that just about does it for the Kosterman family for 2004!  We hope you all have a wonderful holiday season and we hope you all have perfect, superb lives like we do!

 

Love and Happiness,

The Kosterman Family

 

Transcript from a secret recording of the Kosterman family…recorded 11/26/04 (the day after Thanksgiving) while Wendy Kosterman was folding and sealing the 2004 holiday letters.  Wendy always made sure that the Kosterman Holiday Letter was the FIRST letter her family/friends received each and every blessed year.

 

(Sound of door slamming.)

WENDY: Honey, is that you?

DOUG: What of it?

WENDY: Is there something wrong, my love of my life?

DOUG: Yeah, there is something wrong…starting with your saccharine sweet phony baloney nonsense talk.  Knock it off.

WENDY: Doug, please!?  Watch your mouth!?  The children may hear.

DOUG: So what?

WENDY: Doug…you seem…what’s the word?

DOUG: Angry?

WENDY: Watch your language!?  What’s wrong? Did your 2005 BMW 650i convertible stall?

DOUG: Stop it!? STOP IT!? Will you please stop rattling off every material item we’ve ever purchased? My God!? Can’t we have a normal conversation?

WENDY: Of course, honey.  Before we start, can I get you something cool to drink from our brand new Jenn-Air Built-In 48” wide Euro-Style stainless steel refrigerator with Touch Sensor?

DOUG: You just don’t get it, do you?

WENDY: Get what?

DOUG: It cracks me up that you think there is such a thing as being “perfect.” And you define being “perfect” as owning anything and everything expensive.

WENDY: Of course I don’t think that way!  We’re perfect because you and I are perfect with a perfect marriage and we have perfect children! 

DOUG: How’s this for perfect? Wendy…I’m having an affair.  I’ve been having one for two years now.

WENDY: Oh my God!  I can’t believe it!  I won’t believe it!  I need my jewelry to console me.  Where’s my diamond bracelet?

(Sound of door slamming.)

DOUG: We can talk about this later.  But you can be sure of this, Wendy, I’m leaving you.

WENDY: At least I still have perfect children!

MATT: Mom? Oh, hey Dad, I’m glad you’re both here.  I have an announcement to make.

WENDY: What is it, Matt? Oh my beautiful Matt!

MATT: I’m quitting my $75,000/year job and joining the army.

WENDY: What?!

MATT: Yeah.  I know you guys are Democrats and everything but my heart is with Bush and the cause. I’ve been losing sleep with the thoughts of Iraqis not being able to live in a free democracy.  God forbid.  I signed up today and I’m headed to South Carolina and boot camp in four days.

WENDY: I can’t believe this!  Your job!  Your square jaw!  What about Stacey?  I thought you two were discussing the “M” word?

MATT: Stacey and I sort of broke up.  When I told her I was joining the army she said she’d leave me.  I said, “Go ahead” and she punched me.  Nearly ruined my profile.

WENDY: What did you do?

MATT: Don’t worry.  It’ll take months for the police to find the bitch.

WENDY: Oh my GOD!  Doug, don’t you have anything to say?

DOUG: You talking to me?  Sorry, I was packing.  I can’t say much since I’m having the affair with Stacey’s mom.

MATT: Stacey’s mom has got it going on.

WENDY: I think I’m going to faint.

(Sound of door slamming.)

MICHELLE: Mom!? Dad?

WENDY: Yes, honey?? Welcome home!? How is our Harvard freshman?

MICHELLE: Pregnant.

WENDY: What?!

MICHELLE: Yeah.  Thanks, Mom and Dad!  You were so busy pushing me to be president of every stupid little group in high school that you never informed me that if a boy sticks his ding-a-ling in my yum-yum that I’d get pregnant!  Thanks a lot!  I just dropped out of Harvard!

WENDY: Oh my Lord!  Who did this to you???

MICHELLE: Could be one of three guys, actually.

WENDY: AAAAAAAAAAH!? Doug, aren’t you going to say anything?

DOUG: None of this is as bad as Mark.

WENDY: What’s up with Mark? He’s a wonderful sophomore at Berber County High where I am the School Board president.

MATT: Mom, where have you been? Mark was arrested last week for holding five teachers and ten students hostage for three days all in the name of Allah.

WENDY: I was still working on our holiday letter last week.

DOUG: Get your head out of the clouds, Martha Stewart, and get with reality.

WENDY: I hope you’re referring to the Martha Stewart before her prison term?

DOUG: You’ll be hearing from my lawyer.  (Sound of door slamming.)

MATT: I’ll write from the front. (Sound of door slamming.)

MICHELLE: Can I have my old bedroom back, Mom?  And please don’t expect me to get a job.  Unless it’s running an I.Q. team, a chess club or first flute in some stupid old orchestra! (Sound of door slamming.)

WENDY: Well now.  This has been an eye-opening experience.  I really don’t know what my silly husband is talking about!  I think I need some fresh air to think this through.  I think I’ll change into my brand new Ruched dress from Neiman Marcus and take a quick drive to our lovely vacation home in my 2005 Mercedes Benz S-Class S550 equipped with DVD player and other added features.  Then we’ll all sit down and eat a nice dinner with our china in the dining room and discuss our day. Yes. That sounds perfect to me.

(MELISSA, the 3-year-old, waddles into the room holding a Browning 9 millimeter Hi-Power handgun.)

MELISSA:  Mama?  Guess what?  I just shot some bastard at the front door dressed up like Elmo.

Dear Santa,

My name is Ned Cowdin and I’m almost 6-years-old! I’ve been reeelly good this year and I want some trains for Christmas, Santa. I want a Thomas the Tank Engine, and Percy, and Gordon and Henry and Edward and James and Daisy and Duck and Derek and any other five of your choice.

Thanks, Santa! I know you’ll come through for me.

Love,

Ned

Dear Ned,

Your letter really bored me.  Forget the “Naughty” list.  I’m putting you on the “Ho Ho-Hum” list for boring Santa. How about a pair of socks and a toothbrush?

Santa

 

Dear Santa,

What is Mrs. Claus’ first name?

Ellen (age 7)

Dear Ellen,

Which one?  I lost track after the 3^rd Mrs. C.

Santa

 

Dear Santa,

How are you? My name is Russell Ogden and I have a bone to pick with you. Last year, I asked for a HESS truck. A HESS truck with the airplane on the back of it. Instead, you gave me a lot of clothes. I remember distinctly sitting on your lap and you saying, “Ho! Ho! Ho! What do you want for Christmas, little boy?” And I said, “I want a HESS truck, Santa. A HESS truck with the airplane on the back of it.” And you said, “Yeah, sure, kid.” And instead, I got clothes.

What the hell, Santa?

Love,

Russell (age 7)

P.S. What the hell?

Dear Russell,

I brought you clothes last year because your mom and dad seem to want to spend most of their money on liquor and lottery tickets. Get ready to try on some turtlenecks Christmas morning.

Santa

P.S. Don’t be surprised when your dad moves out next spring.   And heads up…your mom’s going to blame you for the divorce.

From the e-mail of Len Siren, 31, computer programmer of Fruitdish, TN, to his family and friends:

From: Len

To: Family/Friends

Subject: Baby Update

So the in-laws are over on Thanksgiving, and we’re sitting around the table giving thanks before shoving 8 hours worth of cooking down our throats in 10 minutes.  Jupiter was sitting happily in his chair, already shoving giblet stuffing up his nostrils.  Stacy asked me what I was thankful for.  “I’m thankful that Jupiter’s not a twin!” I laughed.  Stacy scooped up some mashed potatoes and flung them across the table at me.  “I’m also thankful Stacy’s not a twin,” I muttered.  Stacy said she was thankful she had the strength to not strangle me over the past year.

Needless to say, everyone was thankful for the addition of Jupiter to the family.  “What do ya say to that, son?” I asked as I turned to his highchair.  The chair was empty!  Jupiter was gone!  I turned to see the slippery bastard opening the glass fireplace doors!  And to make matters worse, he was holding onto the serving dish piled high with turkey!  “Don’t even think of it, little one!” I yelled.  “You throw that turkey in the fire, you’re going in after it!”

“Stop yelling at your son,” said my mother-in-law. 

“Oh yeah?” I yelled.  “Ya gonna make me?!”  Before I could even blink, my mother-in-law brought her clenched fist into my jaw with a swift uppercut.  I saw stars as I landed on the carpet.  I kicked my leg forward and tripped her.  “You wanna piece of me?!”  I yelled.  “You wanna piece of me?!” 

“Stop yelling at my mother,” said my sister-in-law.  I elbowed her in the ribs.  She went down faster than a pile of bricks.  My brother-in-law took a swing at me with his crowbar. I ducked.  The metal plowed into my father-in-law’s snout. He brought his knee into my brother-in-law’s private jewels with a deafening crunch.  Stacy brought a chair down on my head.  My mother-in-law body-slammed my sister-in-law.  Everyone was beating the crap out of one another.  Jupiter was throwing the turkey into the roaring fire.  Somewhere, off in the distance, a dog barked.

Hours later, after all the teeth and flesh were gathered and all the wounds attended to, we raised a glass to one another.  “Here’s to family,” I said.

“With a family like this, here’s to health insurance,” laughed my father-in-law as he spit out a tooth.

 

From the diary of Josh Winters, age 9, of Biloxi, MS:

                                    ‘Twas the night before Easter,

                                    And I’m lying in bed,

                                    Got my gun under my sheets,

                                    And the covers pulled up to my head.

 

                                    Mama said no meat tomorrow,

                                    Cause Daddy got fired again,

                                    Third time this past month,

                                    He’s a loser amongst men.

 

                                    I told Mama not to worry,

                                    I told her it would be quite funny,

                                    If I provided dinner tomorrow,

                                    By hunting down the Easter Bunny!

 

                                    So I grabbed my .45

                                    And my dyed Easter eggs,

                                    Got my gun in my hands

                                    And the bait beside my legs.

 

                                    That blasted Easter bunny,

                                    Will have to come into my room,

                                    To grab my eggs to hide them,

                                    Instead he’ll face his doom.

 

                                    I can smell him now on the grill,

                                    With BBQ sauce flaring each nostril,

                                    I’m salivating on my Hulk PJ’s,

                                    As I’m thinking about the kill!

 

                                    Suddenly, I heard a creaking,

                                    In the hallway outside my door,

                                    I quickly shut off my light,

                                    As I heard a hopping on my floor.

 

                                    I hid under my covers,

                                    With my gun pointed in the air,

                                    The footsteps became closer,

                                    I knew he was right there.

 

                                    I quickly lifted the covers,

                                    And cried, “Eat lead ya stinkin’ rabbit!”

                                    I unloaded my .45 into the darkness,

                                    It was a direct hit, God nabit!

 

                                    I turned on my bedroom light,

                                    And fanned away the smoke,

                                    I looked down at my target,

                                    And thought I was the butt of a joke.

 

                                    I had not killed the Easter Bunny!

                                    What I gunned down was downright scary!

                                    Lying there next to my bed,

                                    Was the bullet-ridden Tooth Fairy!

 

                                    “Damn,” I muttered and I shook my head,

                                    And I grinned a toothless grin.

                                    I forgot I had lost a tooth today,

                                    When my brothers bashed my face in!

 

                                    So I’ll have no meat for dinner on Easter,

                                    But that don’t bother me none,

                                    I robbed my victim tonight of five grand in quarters,

                                    Killing Tooth Fairies can be quite fun!!!

  

HAPPY EASTER!

Excerpt from The Cat-Scanned Emails by Max Werther, 28, a per diem proctologist of Wilmington, NC:

 

From:  Max

To: Lynn@honey.com

Subject:  Ham & Ophie

Date:  March 17^th  

 

Lynn,

 

Ham called.  There was a knock on the front door, and Ophie answered it.  “It was a friggin’ leprechaun!” Ham said.  He told Ham and Ophie that if they would give him a pint of ale, he would give them a pot o’ gold!  “A pint for a pot,” the leprechaun friggin’ said.  “Sure,” said Ophie, “c’mon in, ya mick bastard.”  The putty tats let him in.  Ophie ran to the kitchen, took a Rock out of the fridge, and handed it to the leprechaun.  “Now where’s my goddamn gold?” Ophie asked.  “Gold?” replied the leprechaun as he held up the Rolling Rock.  “For this piss water?”  Ophie grabbed the beer bottle out of his hand and cracked it over his head.  Blood spurted across the room (which is okay, since we’re getting new carpet).  Ophie then pulled down the leprechaun’s pants, drove the beer bottle up his sorry ass, and threw him in the fireplace where he went up like a Stay Puff friggin’ marshmallow!  Ham then opened the front door where there stood a pot o’ gold!  Ophie dove into it, crying, “Money!  Look at all this friggin’ goddamn money!!!”  Well, wouldn’t you know it?  She took the money to the Turf Club and threw it all on the 3rd race.  Her goddamn horse didn’t even place!  The money’s GONE!  Those kids! (*Chuckle!*)  What are we going to do with them?

 

Love,

Me

 

From the diary of Carol Hampton of Bel Air, MD:

December 31^st

Well, it’s the end of another year and looking forward to hopefully another great year!  Time for my New Year’s Resolutions! Here are my goals for 2004!

• Finally get off my fat ass and get in the gym to shed those 25 lbs.!
• 2004 will absolutely be the year I go back to church! Enough of the Easter-Christmas Obligatory Cause I Feel Guilty Masses. This girl’s going back every week!
• More reading, less watching television!
• Calling my old, dear friends more often in 2004! No more excuses for not getting together!
• Cooking more at home. Nick and I blew way too much money on takeout this past year!
• Joining a charity. I’m leading a good life, why not spend some time helping those in need?

January 15^th

• Been to the gym 6 times in 2 weeks!
• Been to church on both Sundays!
• Already read a novel!
• Called 3 of my oldest friends and set up lunch dates for next month!
• Made a vegetarian lasagna (Nick’s favorite!)
• Spent last Sunday night with some people in my parish feeding the poor in Baltimore!

April 1^st

I can’t believe it’s already April!  Where has the time gone?  It’s already been a month since I’ve been to the gym but I swear I’ll be back there tomorrow!  (I think it’s been longer since I’ve been to church but Easter is coming up!  I’ll get back on the wagon then!)

I started to read another book, but the latest “Bachelor” and “Survivor” started last month. Damn, those shows are so addicting! I love watching them with Nick while we eat our Kung Pao Chicken and shrimp lo mein.

Susie called two days ago to cancel our lunch date for a third time! Screw her! Some old best friend she turned out to be! She wants to do lunch? She can call me!

Father McDonald called wanting to know when I could help feed the poor again. I told him soon, but Sunday nights are really bad for me with “Alias” on.

August 15^th

I can’t believe Nick and I go on vacation next week and I’ve gained 16 pounds this year.  I blew the dust off my gym membership card this morning.  I swear I’m going to the gym tonight!  Damn!  “American Idol” is on tonight! Maybe I’ll go first thing tomorrow morning.

Nick went to church without me on Sunday.  I told him I’ll go back with him when we get back from vacation. I was too busy packing.

November 30^th

I finally made it to church last Sunday. I said hi to Father McDonald and he didn’t even recognize me! Screw him! I was so depressed I went home and ate some leftover cold pizza from DiGorgio’s last night. Thank God I taped “My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance” last month. That cheered me up.

December 31^st

Well, it’s the end of another year and looking forward to hopefully another great year! Time for my New Year’s Resolutions! Here are my goals for 2005!

• Finally get off my fat ass and get in the gym to shed those 25 lbs.!
• 2005 will absolutely be the year I go back to church! Enough of the Easter-Christmas Obligatory Cause I Feel Guilty Masses. This girl’s going back every week!
• More reading, less watching television!
• Calling my old, dear friends more often in 2005! No more excuses for not getting together!
• Cooking more at home. Nick and I blew way too much money on takeout in 2004!

Joining a charity. I’m leading a good life, why not spend some time helping those in need?

I’m not sending any cards to any of my old friends. The hell with them! No one calls me, no one wants to go out to lunch, and no one wants to do anything. Nick said I need to understand since they all have little kids. So what? I was a little kid once!

#6-The Annual Holiday Letter From That Family You Haven’t Seen in 12 Years But They Still Feel the Need To Send You A Pompous Letter So That They Can Feel Good About Themselves Because They’re Obviously Insecure And If They Had An Ounce Of Common Sense They Should Realize That We Stopped Giving a Rat’s Ass About Them 12 Years Ago!

 

From the Kosterman Holiday Letter, Madison, WI:

            Hello everyone!

            It’s that time of year again!

            Can you believe another year has already come and gone?  Wow, what a great year 2003 has been for the Kosterman family!  Let’s start with Doug who had a marvelous year at work!  Thanks to his promotion to Senior CFO Account Executive Vice-President, Doug is now making more money than ever!  We grew tired of the 2003 Mercedes CLK350 Cabriolet and bought a 2004 BMW 650i convertible (See enclosed digital photo.  Notice my earrings, ladies? Those aren’t diamonique! Doug is holding a BlackBerry Pearl in his left hand.)  

           

            I have had a wonderful, stupendous year as well!  Yes, I have.  Friends and family, I am now the president of the Berber County School Board!  Doug and the kids are so proud of me.  I can’t thank my hundreds of peachy keen marvelous neighbors who supported me and helped with the never-ending campaign.  Gosh.  It certainly is a dream come true for me.  I can’t wait to help our #1-ranked-in-the-state school district become even more number one’er!  Ha! Ha!  My kids are watching me type this and they’re rolling their laser vision corrected eyes at me.  (They still think I’m a geek!) J

 

            We have put on a 1,000 square foot addition on the back of the house this past summer.  (See enclosed digital photo.)  This was Doug’s dream.  He and the boys love playing on the $5,000 pool table.  Personally, I think it was just a little too expensive for a pool table, but if my boys are happy, I’m even happier!  Yes, I am.  This addition, along with the new kitchen last year, has definitely made this a home for the ages!

 

            Now on to the kids.  Matt, now 22, is still tall and blond and as handsome as ever with his square jaw and straight white teeth!  He just graduated from the University of Wisconsin with a 4.0 GPA in Chemistry.  He just started a perfect job with a Madison pharmaceutical company and is only months away from discovering the cure for world famine!  Yes, he is.  Matt is dating an astonishing young woman named Stacey whom he met at college!  The two have been dating for nearly a year now and are even talking about the ”m” word already!  Cross your fingers! 

 

            Michelle is now 17 and has really blossomed into a beautiful young woman!  Let’s hope the boys in her senior class at Berber County High all have short leashes!  Ha! Ha!  Melissa is president of her senior class, president of the Debate Club, First Flute in the Berber County High School Orchestra, president of the I.Q. Team, president of the President’s Club, Editor-In-Chief of the high school newspaper, Senior Prom Queen, Captain of the swim team, and she spends her weekends feeding the poor through our local parish.  We’re so proud of her!  She is now considering scholarships from Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Princeton, Columbia, Brown and Duke.  We’ll keep you posted on this monumental decision!

 

            Mark is now 14 and is just loving freshman year at Berber County High!  Mark is president of his freshman class and he plays high school basketball, football, baseball, soccer, lacrosse and even has time for chess!  Mark is so handsome with his sparkling blue eyes and dimples and we just can’t keep track of all his girlfriends!

 

            And our little darling blessing Melissa just turned 3 last month.  Can you believe she’s already reading on a 2nd grade level?  Yes, she is.  Granted, Doug and I were a little surprised 3 years ago, but what a true blessing Melissa is!  Crawling at 3 months, potty trained at 6 months, walking at 7 months, portraying the baby Jesus in a speaking role at 10 months, and now this!  The school district is already considering her for the GATE program (that’s Gifted and Talented, in case you didn’t know.)  Such a blessing! 

 

            Vacation #1 this year was in Walt Disney World in Orlando!  Yes, it was!  (See enclosed digital photo of all of us with Mickey and Minnie!)  Every day was peachy keen sunny and a pleasant 75 degrees.  You know how cold it can be up here in Madison, so we enjoyed the sun.  But don’t get me wrong!  It’s a wonderful cold here in Wisconsin!

 

            Vacation #2 was spent on a private island in the Caribbean.  It’s not found on any map.  (See enclosed digital photo of moi in my bikini!  Sorry, ladies!  They’re still real!  Can you believe it?)  Doug is thinking of purchasing the island in 2004.  If we do buy it, we’d love to have all of you down for a weekend!  Wouldn’t that be grand?

 

            Well, that just about does it for the Kosterman family for 2003!  We hope you all have a wonderful holiday season and we hope you all have perfect, superb lives like we do!  We are truly blessed.  May God truly bless you as He has truly blessed us which leaves me feeling so blessed.  Beyond blessed.  God bless!

           

            Love and Happiness,

            The Kosterman Family

 

 

 

From the journal of Wendy Kosterman, 47:

 

December 26, 2003  

            Another Christmas has come and gone.  Lots of fun and presents but once again I can’t understand why no one seems to send us a Christmas card!!!  L

Deer Santuh Klaws,

 

Hi! This iz Sarah. I am 7-years-old. I kant wate for Chrismus so I kan get prezents! Im going to leeve you some cukies by the firplace. I luv you, Santa!

 

Luv,

Sarah

 

Dear Sarah,

 

And I’m going to leave you something called a dictionary.  Be sure to use it, sweetheart.

  

 

Dear Santa,

Merry Christmas! As I’m writing you this, I’m looking at a picture of you and me at the mall last year. I was crying a lot because I was scared, but now I’m 6 and I’m scared of nothing!

For Christmas, please send me a big flashlight and lots of batteries for my little brother who…uh…shares my bedroom with me and he’s…uh…scared of the dark. Yeah, he’s scared of the dark, Santa, and he wants a big flashlight, one of those with the big square batteries. Yeah.

Thanks!

Love,

Peter

Dear Peter,

I see you when you’re sleeping, I know when you’re awake.  And I know damn well you don’t have a little brother who “shares your bedroom” with you.  Don’t worry, your secret is safe with me.  A flashlight it is!

P.S. Your older brother is still living in the orphanage.  Did your parents ever tell you that you were adopted?

 

 

Dear Santa,

 

I have a question for you. How do you get down my chimney when I know for a fact that it’s a small opening and you are quite a fat man? How do, Santa? How do?

 

Love,

Jeffrey, age 7

 

Dear Jeff,

 

The same way your mother was able to squeeze her fat a$$ into that smoking chiffon the other night for that corporate dinner.  Magic.