6 May
Movies that could have ended in five minutes. This week’s episode…
RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK
(Sound of iconic Indiana Jones theme and we see Indy and Eddie Murphy’s butler from “Trading Places”, what the hell was his name? Uh, Brody? Marcus Brody, right! We see Indy and Marcus talking to those 2 Army Intelligence agents on Indy’s college campus.)
AGENT #1: We know the Nazis are looking for the Ark of the Covenant in Egypt.
INDY: The Ark of the Covenant?!
AGENT #1: Did I stutter?
BRODY: If the Nazis obtain the Ark of the Covenant, Hitler’s armies will be invincible!
AGENT #2: My God! If they’re invisible, they’ll be able to conquer the world!
BRODY: Invincible…as in the Mark Wahlberg movie where he played a Philadelphia Eagle whom no one outside of the Delaware Valley knew or cared about.
AGENT #2: Oh. (Pause) I liked that movie.
AGENT #1: You need to stop the Nazis, Professor Jones. But first you’ll need to go to Nepal so you can meet up with some alcoholic ex-tart of yours and get the headpiece to the Staff of Ra so you can find out exactly where the Well of Souls is located in Egypt.
INDY: Huh?
AGENT #1: We’ll get to see you travel all around the world, get into some cool fights, burn down a bar, run into some snakes to show your vulnerability…it’ll be great.
INDY: Or…
AGENT #2: Or what?
INDY: Or I could do nothing.
BRODY: What??
INDY: If the Nazis don’t have the headpiece to the Staff of Ra, they’ll never know where the Well of Souls is so they’ll be digging in the wrong place! If I go butting my nose in this, I’ll probably start digging myself in the right place, the Nazis will catch me and they’ll have the Ark of the Covenant after all of my hard work. Screw that.
AGENT #1: But…
INDY: I say I do nothing. This way, they’ll never find it. Or…even if they somehow get lucky and do find the damn thing, they’ll bring it back to Germany, probably have one of their ridiculous military parades, followed by a ceremony in which they’ll open it in front of Hitler and his fellow Nazi leaders. My prediction is that whatever is in the Ark will come out and melt the f***in’ skin off their f***in’ Nazi skulls!
AGENT #2: What makes you think that would happen?
INDY: Think about it. The Nazis are looking for a Jewish Biblical artifact to help them conquer the world?? Don’t you think the Jewish God, of all gods for crying out loud, would do everything in His power to stop the Nazis? By doing nothing, we will have completely destroyed Hitler and Nazi Germany in 1936! No concentration camps, no World War II, hell…no friggin’ Sound of Music! Boo yah!!!
BRODY: What up, yo’?
(Sound of Indiana Jones theme music as end credits roll. TUNE IN NEXT WEEK FOR THE FIVE MINUTE VERSION OF “GONE WITH THE WIND.”)