18 May
(Scene: MAN in a red 2005 Ford Mustang convertible with top down drives down a road with a 45 mph speed limit. Immediately, a police car with flashing lights appears out of nowhere and forces MAN to pull over. Police OFFICER approaches the car.)
MAN: What can I do for you, Officer?
OFFICER: You can start by handing over your driver’s license, boy. You know how fast you were going?
MAN: Somewhere between 42-45 mph.
OFFICER: Don’t think so. (Spits out a wad of what looks like horse manure.) My gun clocked you at 65. Yo’ lucky I don’t drag yo’ ass in for reckless drivin’, boy.
MAN: You’re saying you clocked me at 65 mph?
OFFICER: That’s right.
MAN: And I’m saying I was under the speed limit.
OFFICER: Don’t y’all?
MAN: What kind of ticket am I looking at here, Officer?
OFFICER: $10. But add on local taxes, county taxes, state taxes and a nice donation to the policeman’s ball, it comes to $165. But if you pay within 48 hours, I’ll waive the points, boy.
MAN: How about this? How about if you let me see that radar gun for one minute?
OFFICER: Say what?
MAN: Let me clock a few cars coming down this road. If the gun is legit, I’ll pay your ticket plus the points. I’ll even let you throw me in the slammer for the night. Hell, I’ll even pay you $500 for allowing me to see your radar gun.
OFFICER: Well, I…
MAN: And if the gun isn’t legit, you have to get on all fours and squeal like a pig.
OFFICER: That’s a deal, boy!
(He runs back to his car, produces the radar gun, and returns. MAN gets out of his car and takes the gun. He holds it up as a slow Oldsmobile drives by, going 40 mph at the most. The radar gun reads 65 mph. MAN points it to an elderly woman struggling on a bike with two flat tires. Gun reads 65 mph. MAN points it to a turtle. Gun reads 65 mph. MAN spits past the gun. 65 mph.
MAN (smirks): Well now, Mr. Officer. I think I proved my point. You ready to squeal like the pig that you are?
OFFICER: What the hell are you talkin’ about, boy? You just got yerself 4 more speeding tickets!
11 May
Shrek 2, May 21st
Definitely the best flick of the summer. Sequel to probably the funniest animated movie ever made (sorry, Finding Nemo fans), Shrek 2 finds Shrek, his new wife and Donkey living together on a farm in Topeka, Kansas. They try to mind their own business but soon a swarm of distressed gay and lesbian couples arrive at their farm. “No one will let us marry!” they cry. Shrek attempts to kick the couples off his farm and realizes it’s useless. So he and Donkey take the hundreds of couples on a road trip to Massachusetts, the only state that allows legalized gay/lesbian marriages. Along the way Shrek and Donkey come across President George W. Bush who tries to stop them by building a wall of Bibles in their path. (Bush is portrayed hilariously by Nathan Lane.) In the end Shrek surprisingly expresses his love for Donkey, exclaiming, “I love my ass’s ass!” John Kerry weds the two and exclaims that George W. Bush is really Satan’s twin brother. (Rated PG)
Spider-Man 2, June 30th
In the sequel to the 2002 blockbuster, Spider-Man, this long awaited sequel finds our webbed superhero battling depression. “I’m still bummed over crushing my leg in Seabiscuit,” admitted Tobey Maguire who reprises the role as Peter Parker/Spider-Man. Turning to drugs, Spider-Man is then accused of a hit-and-run accident, gains a ton of weight, loses it by taking more drugs, becomes a spokesperson for the weight loss drug, has his life story microscoped by E!’s “True Hollywood Story” and finally gets his own reality TV show where he lives under the same roof with the Incredible Hulk, John Kerry and Big Boi from the group Outkast. Kirsten Dunst, once again portraying love interest Mary Jane Watson, claims there is another wet T-shirt scene and “No, they were not radios under my shirt in the first movie!” (Rated PG-13)
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, June 4th
It’s Harry’s third year at Hogwarts and it’s his most dangerous year yet! Harry, Hermione and Ron come face to face with Sirius Black, an escaped convict who played a part in the death of Harry’s parents. Unfortunately, John Kerry plays the part of Black who reveals early on that Harry’s parents died “because they lost their jobs overseas like 3 million other Americans! I will fight to restore the jobs lost under Bush in the first 500 days of my administration! I will create jobs through a new manufacturing jobs credit, by investing in new energy industries, restoring technology and stopping layoffs in education! I won’t be afraid to crack down on corporations that are hiding their money in Bermuda and blah, blah, blah! (Rated R for offensive political overtones)
The Day After Tomorrow, May 28th
It’s weather gone wild as a new Ice Age sweeps across the Earth and scientist Dennis Quaid travels to a frozen New York City to rescue his son. The best scene is when John Kerry stands on the Empire State Building with a megaphone, claiming, “You can blame George W. Bush and the Republicans for this! I would have spoken with other European leaders to prevent this from happening! Anyway, I won’t be afraid to crack down on corporations that are hiding their money in Bermuda to avoid paying their fair share and will end special tax giveaways to companies that ship jobs abroad! I will defend the rights of workers (especially Democrats) consumers and shareholders in holding corporations accountable for their actions and blah, blah, blah!? And then Dennis Quaid plunges an icicle into Kerry’s chest and exclaims, “Look! A bleeding heart liberal!” (Rated PG-13)
20 Apr
2 OF THESE 3 STORIES ARE TRUE!
CRANK CALLER
From the journal of Caroline Ratchford, 35, of Leesburg, VA. Ms. Ratchford is an oral hygienist. Mr. Ratchford can’t vouch for his wife’s hygienist capabilities, but he has claimed she is pretty talented on the oral side of things.
April 19, 2004
So it’s 3:00 earlier today and I decided to give Steve a phone call to ask him what he’d like for dinner tonight. So I dialed his number. As I’m waiting for him to pick up, my cell phone rings. I picked it up and saw the number was “unavailable”. I decided to answer it anyway. So I hung up the phone and I answered my cell phone. No one was there. I shrugged and dialed Steve again. Within seconds, my cell phone started to ring again! “Unavailable.” This time I waited a few seconds for Steve to pick up. He didn’t, so I hung up and answered my cell phone again. No answer.
Getting a bit pissed off (at both this crank caller and Steve!) I dialed my stupid husband again! After two rings my annoying cell phone starts ringing again! “What the **** is going on here?!” I cried. This time I let Steve’s office line ring while I answered my cell phone. “WHO IS THIS?!” I nearly screamed into the phone.
The amazing thing is, I thought I heard myself in stereo, not just in my cell phone, but from my office phone in my other hand! I held it to my ear as I spoke again into my cell phone. Yup, it was me all right!
I had dialed my own cell phone number three times in a row! Say hello to the lone resident of Dumbassville!
READ BETWEEN THE SIGNS
From the journal of Flex Malarky, 35, of West Chester, PA. Mr. Malarky is a born again Republican.
So I’m on my way home from work today and the wife calls me on the cell. She wants me to pick up some milk, orange juice and a dessert for the kids. I immediately pulled into a ShopRite parking lot and parked in a vacant spot near the front of the store.
Within seconds of exiting my Jeep, a store manager approached me near the entrance. “I’m sorry, sir,” he said. “But you can’t park there.”
“Why not?” I asked.
“See the sign?” he pointed. “It says, ‘Those with small children can park here.’”
I immediately pulled out my wallet and flashed my photos. “I have two small children,” I said. “That’s my son. He’s four. And this here’s my daughter. She’s two.
And I walked into the ShopRite without a response from the manager.
MAJOR LEAK
From the journal of Tim McDevitt, 21, college student attending UNLV:
So I’m driving around town the other day when I suddenly had to take a major leak. We’re not talking leaky faucet here. More like letting out the Hoover Dam.
Of course there are no restaurants to be found when I have to relieve my bladder. As I’m about to baptize the interior of my car, I find a Burger King. No problem. I go in, make my way to the bathroom, and relieve myself. I zip up, wash my hands, when some fat, bloated jerk comes in.
I hate when people come into a bathroom as I’m drying my hands. It means I can’t spend as much time looking at myself in the mirror. You have to make it quick so you don’t appear conceited.
So I leave. No problem. I’m walking to my car when I hear someone cry, “Hey, you!” So I turn around.
Some four-eyed geek about as wide as my pinky is standing there wearing a Burger King cap like an absolute moron. “Yeah?” I said defiantly.
“You can’t leave here without purchasing anything,” he said.
“Well,” I smirked, “I just did.”
Suddenly, I was grabbed from behind by two burlesque men who pinned me down into the pavement. The skinny geek was upon me with a Whopper with cheese and shoved it in my mouth as the men held me down. As I was gagging on the burger, one of the men took out my wallet and took three bucks.
“Let him go,” said the skinny geek. The two men were off me and made their way back into the Burger King after tossing my wallet on the ground before me.
I tried to look cool with the whole thing. I stood up, ran my fingers through my hair, and said, “Hey! Keep the change!”
27 Jan
(Scene: The office of SCOTT ZIROLI, insurance agent. A desk with a chair behind it is located Stage Right with two chairs in front of it. Perhaps there is a floor plant. As lights are raised, SCOTT is writing at his desk. He is dressed in a suit. There is a knock on the door.)
SCOTT: Come in!
(JACK WINTERS enters. He is a bit more relaxed in appearance than SCOTT, dressed in a Polo, Khakis and business jacket. SCOTT stands to greet him.)
JACK: Afternoon, Scott. How are you doing?
SCOTT: Same old, same old. Have a seat. I appreciate you coming out like this, Jack. I figured this conversation would be less awkward in person than over the phone.
JACK: Awkward? What do you mean?
SCOTT: We received the results of yours and your wife’s blood tests and urine analysis. (He opens folder on desk.)
JACK: What did you find?
SCOTT: Nothing to be too concerned about. Jack, is there anything you need to tell me? Get off your chest, so to speak?
JACK: No, why?
SCOTT: How are things with Lisa? You and the wife happy?
JACK: Very happy. Lisa won’t let me be anything less. What’s the problem?
SCOTT: Why did you two wait so long to get life insurance? You’ve been married five years now.
JACK: Well, we’?re looking to start a family now. You know we just bought the house last year. What’s up?
SCOTT (holds up urine sample in test tube): According to the results of your urine analysis, Jack, you masturbate at least ten times a week.
JACK: What? How the hell can you tell that from a urine sample?
SCOTT: The technology they use these days is remarkable. I can even tell you what color Kleenex you use while you’re spanking it. White, with the blue flowers.
JACK: Sonofabitch! That’s amazing!
SCOTT: The results also show that you and Lisa have sex two, maybe three times a month.
JACK: We have sex more often than that!
SCOTT: And that she likes it on top. Three times a month, Jack? How do you start a family with a box of Kleenex?
JACK: I don’t want to talk about it.
SCOTT: The results show that your mother-in-law moved in with you.
JACK: Only for a month!
SCOTT: Your urine sample shows she moved in four months ago.
JACK: Ever since my father-in-law died.
SCOTT: States here that he died of a massive aneurysm.
JACK: Actually, it was a heart attack.
SCOTT (befuddled, he shakes the urine sample): Ah, yes. It was a heart attack.
JACK: I don’t want to talk about it, Scott.
SCOTT: What’s your mother-in-law’s name? Beth?
JACK: Elizabeth. I can’t put up with the woman. She’s a royal pain in the ass. Stubborn Irish. Always into our business. And she sleeps in the spare bedroom right next to ours. Anytime Lisa and I get in the mood, so to speak, we get a knock on the wall. “Knock it off in there!” she cackles, and the next morning she asks us when the hell she’s going to have a grandchild! When you move out!
SCOTT: Has this put a major strain on your relationship with Lisa?
JACK: What do you think?
SCOTT: Interesting. (He now holds up another test tube of urine.)
JACK: Lisa claims our lack of sex is because of her mother. I can’t help but think she’s losing interest in me. Call me paranoid.
SCOTT: I wouldn’t call you paranoid, Jack. I’d say you’re very astute. Lisa’s pregnant.
JACK: What?! She is? My God! That’s great! Looks like twice a month can do the trick!
SCOTT (awkward): Oh, she’s having sex more than twice a month.
JACK: Three, maybe four times. What with her mother banging on the wall, there isn’t much banging on our bed. God! She’s going to be so happy!
SCOTT: Lisa’s pregnant, she knows, and…you’re not the father.
JACK: What?
SCOTT (periodically looks at test tube): Lisa has been pregnant for four weeks, and the father is apparently a large Jamaican male named Pierre du Bois who lives at 357 Sampson Street. (Jiggles test tube) Apartment 3A.
JACK: Pierre du Bois?! That’s her Tae Bo instructor at the fitness center!
SCOTT: According to this urine analysis, the man can bench press 310 lbs. and while he’s having sex. Yup, your wife does like it on top.
JACK: I don’t want to hear anymore!
SCOTT: She’s planning on leaving you, Jack. Sometime next week. She’s running off with Pierre to New Orleans to open up…(jiggles test tube)…the L&P Cajun Fitness Center. She’s leaving her mother with you.
JACK: That bitch! Cheating on me with her Tae Bo instructor!
SCOTT: Who can bench press 310. Not too shabby.
JACK: You have to see this guy. Delts out the whazoo. Damn.
SCOTT: Not all is lost, my friend. (Jiggles Jack’s test tube.) According to your analysis, your admin assistant, Tabitha, has been eyeing you for sometime.
JACK: Really? I thought she was a lesbian!
SCOTT (shakes test tube): According to this, she’s bisexual. And she has a twin sister who thinks you’re hot as well. And…(jiggles test tube)…both are now sitting in the third booth from the back in Jake’s Bar around the corner (jiggles test tube) sipping on Cosmopolitans and hoping you’ll show up.
JACK (grabs his jacket): I’d like to postpone purchasing life insurance at this time, Scott.
SCOTT: Not a problem.
JACK: Sorry that I need to run like this. I’ll talk to you soon! (Runs out of the office.)
SCOTT (holding up test tubes and shaking his head with a smirk): Technology today!
26 Aug
An anonymous e-mail sent to Flex Malarky, 35, of West Chester, PA:
>>To My Friends: No threats or superstitions! The actual poem has a good message and I agree! Please send it out! Here’s why:
>>CASE 1:
Kelly S. had one wish, for her boyfriend of three years, David T., to propose to her. Then one day when she was out to lunch David proposed! She accepted, but then had to leave because she had a meeting in 20 minutes. When she got to her office, she noticed on her computer that she had some e-mail. She checked it, the usual stuff from her friends, but then she saw one that she had never gotten before. It was this poem. She simply deleted it without even reading all of it. BIG MISTAKE! Later that evening, she received a phone call from the police. It was about DAVID! He had been in an accident with an 18-wheeler. He didn’t survive.
>>CASE 2:
Take Katie R. She received this poem and being the believer that she was, she sent it to a few of her friends but didn’t have enough e-mail addresses to send out the full 10 that you must. Three days later, Katie went to a masquerade ball. Later that night when she left to get to her car to go home, she was killed on the spot by a hit-and-run drunk driver.
>>CASE 3:
John N. was sent this poem. He laughed and laughed at the absurdity of the whole thing, and simply deleted it. When he stood up to stretch, a piano suddenly fell through the ceiling and crushed John to death. AND JOHN’S OFFICE WAS ON THE TOP FLOOR OF A SKYRISE!
>>CASE 4:
Wendy B. sent this poem to 9 friends and family, not 10 as this e-mail commands. That night, Wendy dropped her ring in the kitchen garbage disposal. When she reached in to retrieve it, the garbage disposal came on! Wendy screamed and screamed as the disposal chewed apart her arm. Just before she passed out, Wendy was able to pull out her mangled appendage. Just then, 15 Arab terrorists blasted through her kitchen door and machine-gunned Wendy to death. The other 9 friends and family members were also found dead the following morning with blowtorches wedged up their sphincters.
>>CASE 5:
Toby D. was minding his own business one day, sitting by the computer and playing computer games. He was sent this poem. Toby read the poem and decided NOT to send it to 10 people. Just then the phone rang. Toby answered it. “Seven days,” said a miserably wretched voice. Toby slammed the phone down. “Crank call,” he muttered. Oh, but was it? Seven days later, Toby was found DEAD with his computer hard drive wedged SEVERAL FEET up his ass!
>>CASE 6:
Richard W. sent this poem out to 10 people within 45 minutes of reading it. Not even 4 hours later, he won $$$3.7 BILLION DOLLARS$$$ in the state lottery and HE DIDN’T EVEN HAVE A TICKET!
>>CASE 7:
Debbie Y. sent this poem out to 10 friends and family immediately after reading this. The next day, a handsome young man named Steve F. proposed to Debbie and the two were married and had 4 wonderful children by the END OF THAT WEEK!
>>CASE 8:
Brian K., a high school janitor of Omaha, Nebraska sent this poem out to 10 people and thought nothing of it. Two days later, Brian was elected KING OF EUROPE where he now sits on a throne in Paris shoving priceless rubies up his ass all day!
>>This is the poem:
Peas porridge hot,
Peas porridge cold,
Peas porridge in the pot
9 days old.
Some like it hot,
Some like it cold,
Some like it in the pot,
9 days old.
YOU are the 1.
Your friends and family are the 9 (represented in the poem as “9 days”)
Send this poem out to AT LEAST 10 people. There is no threat here, but as you can see from above, there are benefits to do so. If you do not, you or a loved just might die an extremely horrible death with something large and painful most likely shoved up your derriere. If you do, you just might change the world.
5 Aug
From the journal of Sam Walnick, 42, of Austin, TX. Mr. Walnick is a pharmaceutical salesman:
August 4th
I’m not sure what to make of this. Last night, the wife and I decided to take a break from our recent excursion into grilling and drove to that new Chinese chain restaurant on the boulevard, Chang Mi Wang.
Betty had her usual: Wonton soup followed by shrimp lo mein and an egg roll. I had hot and sour
soup followed by beef and broccoli in a spicy black bean sauce accompanied with brown rice. Betty’s egg roll looked so damn good, however, I had to order one of them for myself. (I’ll do 20 extra sit-ups at the gym today!)
The food and service were passable, and when our waitress dropped off the check, she also placed a bowl full of fortune cookies before us on the table. “Why so many cookies?” I asked.
“You never been here before?” the waitress asked. Betty and I shook our heads. “Fortune cookies legendary here at Chang Mi Wang’s. Most fortune cookies say, ‘Confucius say’ or some kind of garbage! These fortune cookies are for real. No joke.”
Betty and I chuckled as she walked off with my credit card. Betty grabbed a cookie and opened it. “You display the wonderful traits of charm and courtesy,” she read. “Isn’t that sweet?”
“Sounds like any other fortune cookie,” I said with a smile. I opened mine. “Hey,” I read. That’s all it said.
“Hey?” Betty asked.
I munched on my cookie as I flipped the strip of paper over. “That’s it,” I said and added, “That’s weird.”
Betty grabbed another cookie and crumpled it. “You are contemplative and analytical by nature,” she read. “Let’s discuss this further,” she added with a smirk as she ate her cookie.
“Let’s hope mine is a bit more interesting,” I said as I opened my next one. “You,” I read.
“Hey you?” Betty asked with a scrunched face.
“How odd,” I said.
“Open another one,” said Betty. “Quickly.”
Our waitress returned with the check and my credit card and said, “Thank you! Come again!”
I quickly signed then swirled my hand in the bowl to pick out a cookie from the bottom. I crumpled it and unfolded the strip of paper. “Yeah, you,” I read. Now I was feeling uncomfortable.
“Hey you, yeah you,” said Betty. “This is really funny!”
I chuckled a bit because I didn’t want Betty seeing how I truly felt. Somewhat concerned. I
grabbed another cookie and opened it.
“I must warn you,” I read. Now Betty’s smile diminished. This was no longer amusing. I looked around to see if I could grab our waitress or the host, but neither could be found. So I grabbed another cookie.
“Whatever you do,” I read. I quickly opened another.
“Don’t turn around!”
“Don’t turn around?” I asked. “What’s behind me?” I asked Betty.
“Nothing,” said Betty. “Just a few people eating their dinner.”
“Someone here is having fun with me,” I said. “And I don’t like it.” I looked around the room (in front of me!) to see if there was a hidden camera somewhere. Unfortunately, I didn’t see anything. If there was indeed a camera, it was hidden well.
As silly as all this was, I found that I couldn’t even force myself to turn around!? A few sentences on a few strips of paper were somehow controlling me!? Even with my wife’s assuredness, I refused to look behind me!? I grabbed another cookie and opened it. “I’m telling ya, big guy,” I read, and I flipped the strip of paper around to continue, “Don’t turn around!”
I opened another. “Seriously.”
And another. “Would I lie to you?”
And yet another. This one I did not read aloud. “Don’t trust your wife. She’s in on this.”
“What did that one say, dear?” Betty asked.
“Nothing,” I lied. Like you don’t know! “It was blank.”
I opened another. I didn’t read them out loud anymore. “Good cover. I never did trust your wife, ya know.”
I crumpled another cookie. “Ever since that skiing weekend in Lake Tahoe.” The skiing weekend in Lake Tahoe? Only Betty and I had been there! A weekend getaway for two! Or was it three? Was something done behind my back?!
I opened another. It was behind your back.
I was beginning to get angry. Betty was examining her lipstick in her hand held. It was ruby red, my favorite color. I opened another cookie.
Mine, too. Although the passion plum worked for me at Lake Tahoe.
This was amazing! It was too coincidental! I decided to put these cookies to the test. What number am I thinking of? I thought. I opened a cookie.
3.14, otherwise known as pi.
I couldn’t believe it! Okay, I thought, when did I get married? I opened a cookie.
First time or second?
Unbelievable! All right, you damn cookies! With whom did I lose my virginity?
If you’re not counting that box of Krispy Kremes, then it was Lisa Bernard behind the bleachers, although the doughnuts turned out to be a more satisfying experience.
Astounding! I opened another! Now here’s what I want you to do…
And another. Get up slowly from the table.
And yet another. And walk out of the restaurant.
Two more left. Quickly! Before it’s too late!
“Let’s go,” I said to Betty, and even she noticed the sound of alarm in my voice. She was about to stand when curiosity finally overwhelmed me.
I turned around.
WHUMP!
A lemon meringue pie was thrust into my face! Betty and the waitress (who threw it) laughed hysterically as it slid off my nose and plopped to the floor. I cracked a smile as I opened the last fortune cookie.
“Didn’t I tell ya NOT to turn around?”
13 May
I’m a very popular man tonight in the Philadelphia tri-state area. At exactly 11:29 p.m. I spurted out the infamous 5-day forecast. Showers tonight into tomorrow, low tonight of 52, high tomorrow of 68 with clouds and some sun. Same for Wednesday. Thursday we’ll be looking at rain in the morning, clouds with a chance of sun with a high of only 62.
Then I laid it on the line for Memorial Day weekend! “Folks,” I said, “Mother Nature’s wrath is taking a breather for the holiday weekend. Clouds Friday morning but the sun will rear its head sometime that day, a high of 70. Sunny with a slight breeze on Saturday, high of 74. Same for Sunday but with a slight chance of showers.”
Oh yes, I am one popular man tonight! Little do the masses know that I have absolutely no idea what the weather is going to be like over the weekend…let alone tomorrow!
April 29th
Today’s high was 56 degrees with rain throughout the day. In tonight’s newscast I pointed to a map showing that a high pressure system was hanging off the coast of New Brunswick which prevented the low pressure system in the Delaware Valley from moving off to sea. Sounded good to me. I’m still calling for a sunny weekend. What the hell? I can’t do any worse than Bolaris. 36 inches of snow he predicted and we didn’t get one snowflake. Pretty boy dumbass!!! Nearly ruined it for the rest of us.
April 30th
Had my yearly review today. Apparently I have been off on 78% of my forecasts for the past year. “Well,” I said, “Mother Nature must have been going through menopause this past year, huh?” Everyone had a good laugh. Clark wants me to lower that number to 70% for next year, the prick. I’ll bet he has no idea what the hell the barometer reading means either! By the way, today was partly cloudy with some sun and a shower here and there, so I was dead on with my forecast!
May 1st
Does partly cloudy mean mostly sunny and does partly sunny mean mostly cloudy? Don’t know, don’t care. Didn’t learn it in my communications classes at Temple. I’m sure the other 297 kids in my Intro to Communications 101 couldn’t answer that as well.
I’m calling for partly cloudy with a chance of showers now for both Saturday and Sunday but I pointed out that if this low pressure system moves up from the Carolinas we could be looking at partly sunny with a significant chance of showers for the weekend, highs anywhere from 60 to 72, depending on what the doppler shows us in the next 24 hours.
I’ll bet Clark doesn’t even know what the hell the doppler is, either! Even though the prick is shelling out $5 million for it!
May 2nd
That Cecile Tynan sure looks good in those short skirts! Brilliant move by Channel 6. No one remembers when her forecasts are dead wrong…the viewers are too busy looking at her ass! What concerns is me is that she is predicting a washout for this weekend while I’m still calling for partly cloudy with a chance of partly sunny or some kind of unspecific shit. What does she know that I don’t? Does she know how to read the doppler? Actually, I don’t think Channel 6 has a doppler. They did have Jim O’Brien, though. He was a riot.
May 3rd
I called for partly cloudy with a chance of partly sunny with showers off and on throughout the day mixed with fog and a slight chance of thunderstorms and maybe even hail. High of 68. Instead, it rained all day with a high of 56. I said we had an extremely stubborn high pressure system off the coast of New Brunswick again that wasn’t allowing our low pressure system to move out to sea. I suggested to our viewers that they get their asses up to northeastern Canada for their holiday weekend because according to our $5 million doppler, it sure was sunny up there!
Cecile and Hurricane “I Can’t Believe I’m On TV Wearing a Bowtie” Schwartz are calling for rain all day tomorrow. I threw in the white towel and followed suit. I called Hurricane after the broadcast and asked what the hell he knew. He said, “No idea. I was just following Cecile’s lead. She sure looks good in those tight skirts, ya know?”
May 4th
Rain most of the day. I look like a genius, thanks to Cecile Tynan. Went to my parents for a barbecue. Dad asked me if I was happy with my career. “Dad,” I said, “I get paid a million bucks to stand in front of a camera every night making up stories. If I’m wrong, I blame it on Mother Nature. If I’m right, which occurs a decent 22% of the time, I look like a genius. Absolutely no pressure. You’re damn right I’m happy with my career!”
May 6th
I was just handed my walking papers. Station fired me this morning for a new weatherperson. Haven’t met her yet…but I hear she has a nice ass!