You know you have too much life insurance when you’re afraid to go to sleep before your spouse.

Why do dairy products have a “sell by” date on their packaging?  Shouldn’t they have “eat by” or “drink by” dates?

If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, what do you need to eat for lawyers?

My doctor asked me how much I drink.  I told him 3 martinis before dinner.  He told me I should cut back to one and I agreed.  Now I need to buy a bigger martini glass.

I told my wife I was going on a diet.  She asked me what kind of diet.  I told her I was going to count calories.  She said that was a good idea…it wouldn’t leave me much time to eat.

If you don’t finish your fish dinner at a restaurant, should your server bring you a “kitty bag”?

I asked my doctor if he had any medicine that would remove hip bulges.  He said he did and that it would cost $500.  I asked him how soon would it start to work.  He said as soon as I removed $500 from my wallet.

My wife came home from the shrink the other day and told me she was totally funked out, that she needed to get rid of all the stress in her life.  I told her I’d help any way I could.  She said, “Great!  I’ll help ya pack!”

 I bought a talking scale the other day.  I stepped on it and nothing happened.  Figuring I bought a damaged scale, I stepped off of it so that I could take it back to the store.  That was when I heard it say, “We have lift off!!!”

I went to my shrink the other day and told her I couldn’t take this world anymore.  She said, “There there” and handed me a sheet of paper.  “A prescription?” I asked hopefully.  “A ticket to Neptune,” she replied.

I went to my lawyer the other day and told him I wanted to sue a fast food restaurant for making my son fat.  He asked for a picture of my son and I showed him.  He then asked me who I wanted to sue for making my son ugly.

My doctor told me he was going to send me to a broken leg specialist.  I told him my leg wasn’t broken.  He told me his leg specialist was his bill collector.

If the government decided to tax obese people…would it be correct to say that we are living off the fat of the land?

I’M THINKING SANDY

 

I’m thinking ice

In my iced tea,

I’m thinking sandy.

I’m thinking lotion

And the ocean,

Salt-water candy.

I’m thinking buckets and shovels

And clear blue skies,

And brilliant sand castles,

Matched by greenhead flies.

I’m thinking low tide ebbs

And boardwalk feet,

Jingle! Jingle! Ice Cream Man!

His parked bike in the street.

I’m thinking coconut scented suntans,

And umbrella beach chairs,

Seagulls

SCREECHING!

Stinging jellyfish

BEWARE!

I’m thinking good times only,

Days sweet like candy,

Sometimes life’s too good,

 I’m thinking sandy.

How family practices make money these days…

MONDAY

PATIENT:  I’m here to see the doctor.

RECEPTIONIST:  Dr. Livingston, I presume?

PATIENT:  Yes, he’s the one.

RECEPTIONIST:  Any changes with your coverage?

PATIENT:  No.

RECEPTIONIST:  That’ll be a $25 co-pay, Mrs. Saunders.  Thank you.  Have a seat.  The doctor will see you shortly.

(Sometime shortly thereafter…)

DOCTOR:  Good morning, Mrs. Saunders.  Here for your annual check-up?

PATIENT:  Yes, Dr. Livingston.

DOCTOR:  Excellent!  This is my assistant, Dr. Mekah.  He will do the check-up and then I’ll stop back in for any questions you may have.

(One check-up later…)

DOCTOR:  Everything okay?

PATIENT:  Yes.  Well…Dr. Mekah could use a nail clipper.

DOCTOR:  You know, Mrs. Saunders, we haven’t checked your cholesterol in nearly a year.  Let’s have you come back another day and we’ll draw some blood.

PATIENT:  Why don’t we do it now?

DOCTOR:  You need to…uh…fast for 12 hours before we can draw blood for checking cholesterol.

PATIENT:  I haven’t eaten in 14…

DOCTOR:  We’ll need to do it another day. 

 

ANOTHER DAY

PATIENT:  I’m here to see the doctor.

RECEPTIONIST:  Any changes with your coverage?

PATIENT:  No.

RECEPTIONIST:  That’ll be a $25 co-pay, Mrs. Saunders.  Thank you.  Have a seat.  The doctor will see you shortly.

(Sometime shortly thereafter…)

DOCTOR:  Good morning, Mrs. Saunders.  Let’s draw that blood!

 

3 DAYS LATER

(Phone rings)

PATIENT:  Hello?

RECEPTIONIST:  Hello, Mrs. Saunders?  Your results are in.

PATIENT:  Excellent.  How are my numbers?

RECEPTIONIST:  Dr. Livingston would like to discuss them with you in person.

PATIENT:  I’m very busy.  How about if you hand the doctor the phone and he can tell me now?

RECEPTIONIST:  How is 9AM tomorrow for you to come in?

PATIENT:  How about if he takes 30 seconds to tell me my results over the phone right now?  I have a job and…

RECEPTIONIST:  9AM tomorrow it is!

 

9AM TOMORROW

PATIENT:  I’m here to see the doctor.

RECEPTIONIST:  Any changes with your coverage?

PATIENT:  You know damn well I haven’t had any changes.

RECEPTIONIST:  That’ll be a $25 co-pay, Mrs. Saunders.  Thank you.  Have a seat.  The doctor will see you shortly.

(Sometime shortly thereafter…)

DOCTOR:  Good morning, Mrs. Saunders.  Your cholesterol numbers are fine!

(Pause)

PATIENT:  And?

DOCTOR:  And what?

PATIENT:  And you couldn’t have told me that on the phone yesterday??

DOCTOR:  Mrs. Saunders…I couldn’t share that information over a telephone.

PATIENT:  What information?  That my numbers are “fine”?!

DOCTOR:  How would I know if I were speaking to the actual Mrs. Saunders?

PATIENT:  Because I would have shared with you that I’ve had to pay $75 in co-pay in which you’re charging my insurance company another $150 a pop for pretty much my annual check-up!

DOCTOR:  I think you need this here prescription for Xanax.

PATIENT:  Get outta my face!

(She storms out.  As she’s about to enter her car, she realizes she left her cell phone in the patient room so she hurries back in to the receptionist area.)

PATIENT:  I left my cell phone back there.

RECEPTIONIST:  Any changes with your coverage?

PATIENT:  Excuse me?

RECEPTIONIST:  That’ll be a $25 co-pay, Mrs. Saunders.

PATIENT:  I left my cell phone back there!  Let me through!

RECEPTIONIST:  $25 co-pay, Mrs. Saunders…or you’ll never see your cell phone again…

TODAY’S MODERN FAMILY PRACTICE: 

WHERE THE PATIENT LEARNS HOW TO BEND OVER AT EVERY VISIT!!!

(The following are real texts sent from real people to other real people.  Really.  The point is…you just might learn something from these “mistexts.”)

 

Gary gets Stacy’s number from the gym:

Gary:  Hi!  It’s Gary from the gym!  Would you like to get together for coffee or tea or something sometime?

Stacy:  Hey, Gary!  Coffee or tea sounds good…but you have me curious about the “something.”  J  Let me know where and when?

Gary:  How about coffee, tea and me?  Right now I’m naked in my apt, and I ain’t using my fingers to text!

Stacy:  Uh…I’ll see you in spin class sometime.

Feedback:  Gary’s an idiot.  Stacy (who I hear is smoking hot…she even teaches a Zumba class at the gym), is not talking about food or drink when she reiterates Gary’s “something” idea.  The smiley face supports the notion that Stacy wants “something” else!  But Gary came back too strong, too fast.  If the text appears to have an ulterior meaning, error on the side of caution.  Gary should have responded with:

Gary:  I guess we could maybe grab some lunch instead?

Feedback:  Now he comes across as quite the gentleman or quite clueless and he would not have offended Stacy.  And he’s really not bragging if he’s able to use his “groinal tool” to hit those tiny letters on his BlackBerry Curve.

 

Joanna and Steve have been dating for a year:

Joanna:  OMG!  I was walking into the Y this morning when the guy in front of me was humming our song!  Then during spin class the instructor played our song in her mix!  Then I got into my car and it was the first song on the radio!  Is that weird or what?

Steve:  OK.

Feedback:  Steve’s name should be Dick.  His girlfriend just shared a really cute story with him and he responds with “OK”?  Not okay.  Joanna wanted some reciprocation.  A lame response to a long story is a pet peeve of most people, especially women.  Steve should have responded with:

Steve:  Wow, that is weird!  Sounds like signs of a good day!

Feedback:  Perfect response.  Steve acknowledged Joanna’s text with a short, positive note.  Truth is, Steve has no idea that he and Joanna even have a song.  The two were at a restaurant when the song was playing…but Steve was in the bathroom at the time texting his ex-girlfriend…pleading with her to take him back.

 

Blair is texting her new boyfriend, Josh, for the first time.  Josh is new to texting:

Blair:  Sup, bf?  I wz rofl at ur email 2day!  Cldnt rspnd B9.  ADIH 4 me.  G2R, cya l8r!

Josh:  ???

Translation:  What’s up, boyfriend?  I was rolling on the floor laughing at your email today!  I couldn’t respond because my boss was watching.  Another day in hell for me.  Got to run, see ya later!

Feedback:  Not sure what Josh sees in Blair.  The fact that she knows all of this text jargon tells me she spends way too much time on her cell than actual F2F (face to face) time.

 

Mindy is trying to make plans with her boyfriend, Eric:

Mindy:  Hey!  Have u left work yet?

Eric:  y…I’m driving.

Mindy:  You heading here for happy hour?  Thought we’d hang here for a bit then go out afterwards.  Everyone’s bitching about work.  Some good drink specials.

Eric:  Cool.

Mindy:  So see u in a bit?

Eric:  can’t text, driving.

Mindy:  R u paying attention?  R u headed here?

Eric:  Long day.  Headed home to shower.

Mindy:  Nice way to spend a Friday evening!  When you want to act like an adult, call me!

Feedback:  Mindy is the one who needs to act like an adult.  If you want to make plans with your boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse/etc., get off your lazy ass and make a phone call!  One misunderstood text can lead to a series of frustrating exchanges.  And one should never text while driving…Eric!  However, in this case it’s a good thing Mindy did not make the phone call.  Eric was driving…with his co-worker, Lindsay.  He could barely concentrate on his driving and texting because Lindsay’s head was down in his lap, if ya catch my drift!  No wonder Eric needs to go home for a shower!

OR… “SO THESE 2 TWITS WALK INTO A BAR…”

From the Iron Hill Brewery in West Chester, PA.  We see JIM and BOB sitting at an outside table.  The two were best of friends in college and into their early 30s.  BOB’s job took him to Ohio and though the two have stayed in touch periodically, they haven’t seen one another in five years.  A wedding has brought BOB back to West Chester for this very weekend.

 

JIM: Look at you, dude!  You haven’t aged a day in five years!

BOB:  Uh…I had a full head of hair five years ago.

JIM:  And I’m sure that hair is lying on the ground somewhere…still looking young!

BOB:  It’s great to see you, buddy.  How’s Carol?

JIM:  Good!  We…

BOB:  Sorry, hold on.  (BOB reaches into his pocket and pulls out his vibrating Blackberry.)  Hello?  Hey Connie.  Yeah, I’m with him now.  Connie says hi.

JIM:  Tell her I said…

BOB:  Jim says hi, sweetheart!  You still going out with your sisters?  OK, great.  I’ll see you in a few hours.  Love you!  Bye!  Sorry about that.  So how’s Carol?

JIM:  She’s good.  We…oh, sorry.  (JIM reaches into his pocket and pulls out his vibrating Blackberry.)  Hey Doug!  Guess what?  You’re not going to believe who I’m having lunch with!  No.  No.  No.  Guess again.  No.  No, it’s Bob!  Bob Sanders!  Yeah!  Five years!  Hey, it’s Doug.

BOB:  Doug Worthing?  Tell him I said…

JIM:  Bob says hi.  What’s up?  Yeah, I’m all set for the draft.  We still having it at Ron’s tonight?  Cool.  What time?  OK.  Yeah, I’m bringing beer.  What?  I thought I was picking third?  I’m picking fifth?

(BOB takes out his Blackberry and begins to text.)

JIM:  OK, that’s fine.  I probably just read it wrong.  OK, see ya then!  Sorry about that, Bob.  So, how’ve you been?  How are things in Columbus?

BOB (talking while texting):  I’m in Akron.  Good.  Job’s good.  Hey, would you like to follow me on Twitter?

JIM:  Huh?

BOB:  I’m on it now.  I follow like 500 people on Twitter.  It’s great.  Whenever anyone has a thought or comment, you post it so everyone can read it.  I follow a bunch of celebrities.  I follow Lance Armstrong.  I got to read his comments during the Tour de France.  It was great.

JIM:  Why would I care what Lance Armst—

BOB:  Hold on.  (He answers his Blackberry.)  Hello?  Scott?  Hey buddy!  No, I’m in PA for a wedding this weekend.  Aw, nuts!  I forgot about poker night!

JIM (he answers his Blackberry):  Hello?  Hey, Steve.  Yeah, we’re still on for Ron’s tonight for the draft.

BOB:  …if you just call Rich, I’m sure he can fill in for me.  Know what?  I’ll text him right now to see if he’s free and I’ll call ya back.

JIM:  …which is why I thought I was picking third.  Doug just told me I’m picking fifth?  What?  You’re picking third??

(BOB is texting while JIM still blabs on his Blackberry.)

JIM:  I need to find that email.  I swear I was picking third!

(BOB dials his Blackberry.)

BOB:  Scott?  I just heard from Rich.  He can fill in for me tonight.  OK, great.  I’ll call ya when I get back.

JIM:  …doesn’t really matter.  Look, I’ll see ya tonight.  Sorry about that, Bob.  So you were saying you follow Lance Armstrong on Twitter.

BOB:  Yeah, look.  Here’s one of his Tweets while he was on the Tour de France:  “Really tired today.”  Isn’t that cool?  And I also follow Warren Buffett, the billionaire.  He just sent a text:  “I’m thinking takeout tonight.  Any suggestions?”  I mean, Warren Buffett!  I’m going to suggest Chinese.

JIM:  Sorry.  Hello?  Yo Jack!  How are ya?  Yeah, we’re thinking of going over to the swim club later…

BOB (reading his Blackberry):  Ha!  Ashton Kutcher just Tweeted that he hasn’t shaved in three days!  That’s awesome!  I’m so glad I follow him!

JIM:  …Hill Brewery with an old friend of mine.  Haven’t seen him in years!

BOB (texting):  “Hey, Mr. Buffett.  Do you like sushi?”

JIM:  It’s so great catching up with him!  Do you know we haven’t seen in each other in five years?  We have so much to talk about!

A typical American family on a typical weekday morning in 1960.  It is 8:30am.  All four have just finished a breakfast of eggs, bacon and toast.

 

MOM:  Have a great day at work, dear.

DAD:  Thanks, hon.  (Takes one last sip of coffee.)  I should be home by 5:30.

MOM:  I’ll have supper ready. 

SON/DAUGHTER:  We’re off to school!  Have a good day, Mom!  Dad!

MOM:  I love all of you.  Can’t wait to hear about your days around the dinner table!

 

A typical American family on a typical weekday morning in 1985.  It is 8:00am.  The kids ate their Flintstone vitamins and grabbed Pop-Tarts as they make their way out the door.

 

SON/DAUGHTER:  Bye, Mom!  Dad!

MOM:  I’ll be home from work around 6:00.

DAD:  I should be home around 6:30.  (He takes his daily multivitamin.)

MOM:  I’m thinking leftovers.  (She takes her daily multivitamin.)

DAD:  Sounds good! 

SON/DAUGHTER:  We have practice after school but should be home by 5ish.

MOM:  Great!  See you all tonight.

 

A typical American family on a typical weekday morning in 2010.  It is 7:00am. 

 

DAD:  I’m running late!  With traffic it’s going to take me an hour fifteen to get in!

MOM:  Same here.  Did you take your multivitamin?

DAD:  Yeah.  Did you take your blood pressure medication?

MOM:  Got my Cozaar right here.  And I need to take my daily aspirin. 

DAD:  Where’s my Lipitor?  Has anyone seen it?

DAUGHTER:  Should be right next to my Lexapro.

MOM:  I thought it was next to my Prozac?  Did someone move my flaxseed oil pills?

SON:  I need a refill on my Adderall.  I noticed I wasn’t able to concentrate as well in class yesterday.

MOM:  Someone needs to pick up some Claritin D.  Why don’t you grab some, dear, when you get your Viagra prescription refilled?

DAD:  I’m not sure if the Viagra has been working, honey.  The Koro I’m taking for my Genital Retraction Syndrome may be canceling it out.  I don’t know.  Anyone seen my Xanax?

MOM:  Can you hand me that bottle of Mirapex?  That’s for my Restless Leg Syndrome.

DAUGHTER:  Can someone hand me my bottle of Acnepril?  Ugh!  Get your sinus rinse tube out of my face!

SON (as he’s popping pills in his mouth):  Sorry.  Can you hand me my Advair? 

MOM:  Here’s your Propecia, dear.  And your Climinax.  One pill a day, right?

DAD:  Yep.

SON:  Has that really helped with your premature ejaculation, Dad?

MOM:  Let’s make that two pills, dear.

DAUGHTER:  Here are your iron supplement pills, Mom.  They look just like my breast enhancement pills.  And what is Plavix?

MOM:  My blood thinner pills.

DAUGHTER:  Why do you take that?

MOM:  It offsets the daily Vitamin K I take that thickens my blood.

DAUGHTER:  Uh…then wouldn’t logic dictate that you stop tak—

SON:  Hey!  Where are my exploding head pills?

DAD (as he’s popping pills in his mouth):  Climinax is right here, son.

SON (points to his head):  No, for my Exploding Head Syndrome, you know, how I hear loud sounds in this head as I’m going to sleep.

DAUGHTER (as she’s popping pills in her mouth):  Mom, can I switch to Lorazepam?  Cindy switched to it last week and she is noticeably less anxious.

MOM (as she’s popping pills in her mouth):  Not sure if our insurance would cover that, dear.  Who has my Melancor? 

SON:  Mom?  Dad?  I’ve been thinking.  Do we really need to take all of these drugs?  Are our lives really better with all of this medication?  Or are we all just mindless puppets succumbing to the pressures of Big Pharma and their unimaginative lapdogs who just so happen to be our family doctors? 

(The other three stare at SON for a moment…possibly considering what he just said…when they continue to pop their pills and down them with water.)

DAD:  Maybe hold off on his Adderall and switch him back to Ritalin.  Seems way too incoherent this morning.

MOM:  Listen, I’ve got to run.  Take-out again tonight?

With the recent straight-to-DVD/Blu Ray release of the highly anticipated “Tinker Bell and the Lost Treasure”, Walt Disney has now sent out a press release of their upcoming straight-to-DVD/Blu Ray releases for 2010.  Children all over the world are losing sleep awaiting the release of these sure-fire future Disney animated classics:

 

Abu & the Magic Banana:  Abu, that lovable monkey from Aladdin and its underrated sequel The Return of Jafar returns in this winner about a magic banana that causes grief in Abu’s primate neighborhood.  The female monkeys have discovered a banana that brings great joy to them, but not to the seemingly inadequate male monkeys. 

 

The Lady and the Tramp III: The Lady is a Tramp:  Lady decides that the Tramp shouldn’t be the only dog to have some real fun. 

 

Bambi 3-D:  Bambi’s Revenge:  Bambi changes his name to Bambo, sports some military fatigues, and decides to hunt down the human who gunned down his mother.  Get ready to duck on your couch…the bullets look like they’re coming right at ya!

 

Sleeping Beauty and the Beast:  The unforgettable casts of Sleeping Beauty and Beauty and the Beast collide in this magnificent extravaganza as the Beast falls out of love with Belle and in love with Sleeping Beauty because “She reminds me of Belle when she’s passed out on the couch.”

 

The Adventures of Ichabod Crane 2:  Headless Than Zero:  Your favorite malnourished schoolteacher is back in Sleepy Hollow!  What happened to Ichabod at the end of the first movie?  You’ll find out in the Rocky III style opening montage as the Headless Horseman sings “I Got No Head in My Bed” which should garner an Oscar nomination.

 

Pocahontas 3:  Because this storyline wasn’t completely exhausted in the first two.  This time, Pocahontas steps through a time portal and ends up in a Native American casino in Connecticut where she discovers the true meaning of love.  The love of money from the white man.

 

Dory Meets Monstro:  Well, it’s about time these two met!  Dory suddenly remembers that her family was swallowed by Monstro and spends half the movie trying to find the big whale with her new friend, Sam the Celibate Clam.  When she finds Monstro, the two become fast friends and belt out “The Mammal & Me” featuring the lyrics:  I’m that fish from Nemo, and I’m that whale from Pinocchio…and together we’re gonna have a whale of a good time!  Fun for the whale, er, whole family!

 

Snow White Bites the Big Apple:  Snow White decides her life was better after she bit the witch’s apple, so she decides to go to the Big Apple thinking she can take a bite out of it, hoping this time a kiss from a tart of a prince won’t wake her up.  Plenty of action as Snow and her seven little friends roam Manhattan.  The scene between Grumpy and the Pakistani cab driver will have you howling. 

 

The Country Bears Meet the Chicago Bears:  Because The Country Bears absolutely deserved a sequel.  Kyle Orton and Cedric Benson were Chicago Bears when they lent their voices to this project.  Now Orton’s quarterbacking Denver and Benson is a running back for the Bengals and…well…we might shelve this one. 

 

And don’t miss out on these gems:

The Little Mermaid III:  Ariel Gets a Hangnail

Cinderella IV:  Cinderella Joins Starfleet

The Hunchback of Notre Dame 3:  Quasimoto Plays For the Fighting Irish

The Lion King IV:  We Ain’t Lion, No One Likes a Cheetah

Pinocchio 2:  The Real Boy Has Some Serious Wood

The Fox and the Hound 3:  Seriously, Something Actually Happens This Time!

 

So look for these releases in the new year because Walt Disney wants to show once and for all that we are NOT a second-rate, money-grabbing corporation. We can still spit out some quality animated features!

You again?

An exclusive look at a telemarketer’s script, submitted to Seek Therapy from the company TM Inc., a telemarketing company that offers customized and cost-effective telemarketing services to meet the unique requirements of their client’s market.  The following 10-step script is written for one of TM Inc.’s clients, a mortgage company, and it is handed to each new TM Inc. call center employee during orientation. 

 

STEP 1:  Dial the prospect.  We recommend between 8:30-9:00PM, local time.  Families love to hear from telemarketers during this time frame.

STEP 2:  When cold call prospecting, start the call with, “I was just calling people in your area…”  People don’t want to feel like they’re the only person you’re calling… they just want to feel like one of the nameless drones you’re calling from a massive list.  No one likes to feel special.

STEP 3:  When the prospect says, “Hello”, sit in silence for a few seconds before responding.  We recommend you say, “Hello?” in return as if you could not hear their initial hello.  This always gets the conversation headed in the right direction.

STEP 4:  Just for fun, as soon as the prospect answers, say “Please hold for the next available operator” and be silent!  As the prospect begins to swear, tell them you are the next operator and how you’d like to get him or her qualified for a lower mortgage payment.  Prospects love this! 

STEP 5:  Mispronounce the prospect’s name.  For example, if the prospect’s name is “Scott Basham”, please say, “Is Basheem there?”  Prospects find this amusing.  If the prospect responds, “Are you looking for Scott Basham?” pause for three seconds and simply reply, “Basheem?”

STEP 6:  If the prospect angrily says, “Do you realize what time it is?” respond with, “Yes, it is time for you to refinance.”  If the prospect follows up with “It’s very late and I’m putting my children to sleep” respond with “I did not realize you were a veterinarian.”  People love this tongue-in-cheek humor from their telemarketer.

STEP 7:  If the prospect says, “Take me off your list!” respond with, “I do not have a list.  It is only you, me and my confirmation department makes three.  Which credit card will you be using today?”

STEP 8:  Speak very quickly.  If the prospect even tries to get in a word edgewise, throw in a “blah-blah-blah I can’t hear you!” every once in awhile.  Communication is key here.

STEP 9:  If the prospect tells you they are not interested, ignore them and continue to read your script.  Your monthly bonus is predicated on the number of times you can get through your script, not the number of completed sales.

STEP 10:  If the prospect tells you they are interested…we’ll get back to you on this.  No one has ever been interested before.  We don’t even know the extension number for the confirmation department.

From a letter by Emily Wilkins, age 9, from Rutland, VT:

 

Dear Mommy,

 

Happy Mother’s Day!  It’s a beautiful day.  Finally, the sun is out shining, the rain has gone away.  It’s a beautiful day for Mother’s Day…a beautiful day for my Mommy.

 

I had a dream last night, Mommy.  I dreamt that I came across a magic lamp like in the stories!  I picked it up and rubbed it and this big genie came out.  He said, “Fee fi fo fum!”  I said, “Genies don’t say Fee fi fo fum!”  And he said, “They don’t?”  “No,” I said.  “Not in my lifetime.”  “Oh,” he said.  “It’s been awhile for me.  What do we say?”  I explained to him that he’s supposed to grant me three wishes.  “Times are tough,” said the genie.  “I didn’t get much in the bailout.  How about if I give you one wish and we call it a day?”

 

Mommy…I asked that genie to bring you back to me and Daddy.  I told him I wished you were alive again and that you would stop smoking this time.  The genie told me that would be two wishes.  I told him I’d be fine with just having you back in my life.  “And then maybe this time my Mommy will listen to me about how bad cigarettes are,” I said to the genie.  He snapped his fingers and then…and then…

 

I woke up.  I wasn’t sure if it had been a dream so I ran into your bedroom…and only found Daddy…snoring.

 

I started to cry and I decided to write you this letter.  I’m going to leave it with you when Daddy and I come visit you today.  I hope you can read it up in heaven because I want you to know how much I miss you.  I wanted you to know about my dream and that if I ever meet a genie and he gives me one wish…I wanted you to know what I would wish for.

 

I hope you have a great day, Mommy.  Daddy and I will miss you today.  We miss you every day.  We’re going to see Nana and Pop-Pop and Uncle Mikey and Aunt Lori and I know they miss you, too.  Nana is making her eggplant parma john (I think that’s how you spell it) and Daddy said if I can eat it without throwing up this time I can have two desserts today!

 

I keep a picture of you on my bureau so I can pretend you’re still with me every night when I say my prayers.  If God can’t send you back down to me, maybe I’ll find a genie someday and he can grant me that wish.  And if he can, maybe he can grant me two wishes so I can help you quit this time. 

 

Happy Mother’s Day

Love,

Emily

P.S.  And if you’re not in heaven, well, at least you’ll never have to bum a match off someone!

From the journal of Karen Windsor, 36, of Longwood, FL.  Karen is typical of 94% of all Americans: 

 

January 1^st

This is the year that I drop 20 lbs. and 2 dress sizes!  I’m off to the gym tomorrow to start my new weekly workout routine!  Pilates, 3 days a week.  Treadmill, 3 days a week.  Lifting, 2 days a week.  Once I shed 10 lbs. I’ll also take up 2 or 3 morning spinning classes.  This is it!  No more talking!  No more procrastination!  No more laziness!  2009 is the year I get back into my bikini!!!

 

January 2^nd

What a workout!  I can’t believe how hard Pilates is!  But I feel great!  I even spent 10 minutes on the treadmill!  It feels so good to actually sweat again!  I’m so proud of myself!  Jim said he’ll even join me for a couple of workouts a week.  This is my year.  I can feel it.  Jim and I celebrated the “new me” by going out to the Fried Onion for dinner.  My God the beers tasted good!  Jim laughed over the fact that I ate most of the supreme nachos myself.  I even finished Jim’s pulled pork sandwich.  Hey, I’m working out now!  It’s okay! 

 

January 3^rd

Woke up this morning and saw that I’m two pounds heavier than I was on New Year’s Day!!!  I couldn’t believe it!  Especially after yesterday’s workout!  I was so depressed I polished off the chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream.  Working out is obviously a complete waste of time!  I called the gym and cancelled my membership.  What a complete rip-off!!!