Presented by Professor Lex E. Con of Fruitdish University in Fruitdish, TN.  Professor Con teaches various English and History courses at the university.  When he’s not teaching, Professor Con likes to play “King of the Mountain” in his backyard in a pile of dirty laundry he has accumulated over the last semester.  The professor plays the game by himself so that he always wins.

 

Today’s lecture:  The origin of “Asshole”

 

Contrary to popular belief, the colorful term “asshole” was not founded during the early twentieth century when Dr. Freud famously declared, “Carl Jung stole my notes on Analytical Psychology and is now taking credit for the founding of it!  He is such an asshole!”  Rather, the term was founded hundreds of thousands of years ago in the Garden of Eden of all places.  When the diaries of Adam and Eve were discovered in 2003, we learned exactly how the term “asshole” came to be.  Let’s read from Eve’s diary from her very first month with Adam:

 

July 12, 657,128 B.C.

I’m not sure how much longer I can deal with this guy Adam.  As I cook and clean, Adam continues to play his new favorite game.  “It’s called ‘Switch’,” he said to me yesterday as he showed me something he called a whistle.  “You stick one thumb in your mouth and your other thumb up your ass, and when I blow the whistle, you switch.”

 

“That sounds like a stupid game,” I said.

 

“You sound like a…….stupid……..game,” was his fumbled comeback.  His eyes were sort of glazed over and it looked like he was staring just to the left of me.  This guy is so weird. 

 

“Okay,” he said and he handed me the whistle.  “You blow the whistle.”  I told him I wasn’t interested.  He continued to persist.  He then started to laugh as he tried to hit me with that extra finger of his.  I ran away. 

 

I called out to God and begged Him to beam me up.  “Please, Lord!” I cried out.  “Don’t make me begat with this…this loser!”

 

God’s face appeared through the clouds.  “Now, now, Eve,” He said gently.  “Don’t be so harsh.  Adam is a good man.  Someday, his descendents…both of your descendents…will create important things like fire, penicillin, Facebook and Three’s Company.  Not to mention fantasy football.  Adam would have loved that!”  I sat down and yelped.  Damn pine cones!  God’s soothing voice helped calm me.  “Try relating to Adam,” He said.  “Have you tried playing ‘Switch’ with him?”

 

Adam finally trained one of the monkeys to blow the whistle and the two have been playing for over a day now.  As I watched him switch his thumbs between his mouth and butt, I couldn’t help but think how similar Adam and the asshole have in common:

 

Both smell really bad.

Both have cracked themselves up.

Both make obscene noises.

And both are usually full of shit.

 

(We see Adam and Eve knocking on the front door of their new neighbors’ house.)

HERB JONES: Uh, hello.

ADAM: Hi!

EVE: Welcome to the neighborhood!  Hope you enjoy this cake made of leaves and branches!

MARIE “MIMI” JONES: Uh, thanks.

HERB: Gosh, uh…

MIMI: We don’t know what to say.

EVE: Hey, what are those things covering your bodies?

HERB: You mean these clothes?

EVE: Yes, clothes!

ADAM: We don’t wear clothes.  We’re naked.

MIMI: We can see that.  Herb!  Keep your eyes up here!

EVE: We’ve been praying to God for human neighbors.  (Whispers to Herb) Extra-marital affairs with the baboons have been somewhat less than fulfilling.

ADAM: Monkeys are the little animals with the big red butts that stick out like a bionic hemorrhoid.  I named them.  In fact, I named all the animals.  The next time you see a jackass, you can think of me.

HERB: Well, look, we have a lot of unpacking…

EVE: Would you two like to come over for a barbecue later?  Adam discovered fire last Thursday.

MIMI: We might be a bit too tired tonight.  Eyes up, Herb!

ADAM: I’d like to show you two around the Garden of Eden.  It’s great.  Just don’t sin or else God will punish you.  Eve here keeps trying to make me eat an apple from the Tree of Knowledge but I keep saying, “No way, Jose” cause I know the Big Guy will punish us by making us self-aware or something.

EVE: I was made from Adam’s rib.

MIMI: Good for you.  I graduated magna cum laude at Barnard.  Listen, no offense or anything, but we need to get back to unpacking.  We have some friends coming over later for bridge and to discuss our latest investments…

EVE: More humans!  We’d love to join you!

ADAM: I’ll bring some fire!

HERB: I don’t think they’d like to socialize with two naked people.  They’re Republicans.

EVE: Okay.  Maybe some other time?

MIMI: Sure, why don’t we say that and you mean it? 

ADAM: We probably wouldn’t be able to get a babysitter tonight anyway.  The giraffes have been watching our two boys for some time but their calendars have been pretty full lately.

HERB: I guess they’re naked, too?

ADAM: The giraffes?  They sure are!  So are our boys.  You should see the things Cain does with his “trinkets”, as we like to call them.  Abel laughs so hard milk flies out of his nose.

EVE: He just kills his little brother.

MIMI: Well, we have two little clothed girls and we’d appreciate it if you would please keep your boys away from them.  We’re raising them Catholic, you know.

HERB: Please, there’s a Nordstrom not three miles from here.  Why don’t you dress yourselves?!

MIMI: And you might consider getting yourself a Brazilian wax.

HERB: Hasn’t your God clued you in on anything?

EVE: Before we leave, would you like to help me form a block party committee?

MIMI: A block party?  On my new lawn?  Get bent.  (They slam the door shut.)

ADAM: Wow.

EVE: That didn’t go very well.

ADAM: I’ve never been told I needed a Brazilian wax before!  The nerve!

EVE: Oh well.  Let’s go home.  I just made a delicious apple pie I’d like you to try.

[[[  The journals of Adam and Eve, the first man and woman to divorce, were found in what is now southwest Iraq.[[[

Adam

July 7^th, 657,125 B.C.

            Woke up.  Picked some berries.  Named the lion ‘lion’ and the giraffe ‘giraffe’.  Did lunch with Eve.  We ate the berries I picked all morning.  Chopped some wood.  Think I broke my hands.  Maybe I’ll invent the ax.  Pretty much bored and depressed.  God keeps telling me to cheer up or else he’s going to create the first mother-in-law.  I asked if he could create Paxil instead.  I’m thinking of putting on an addition to our cave.  The contractor God had created to put on his addition isn’t available for at least six weeks.  Eve keeps pushing an apple in my face.  I’m tempted to eat it, but apples give me the runs.  Wish I had Pepto-Bismol when that happens.  But then it wouldn’t do me any good.  I don’t have a spoon.

 

Eve

August 2^nd, 657,122 B.C.

            Woke up.  Fed the kids.  What am I going to do with Cain?  He’s so bad.  Gathered some berries.  I’d like to make a Jell-O mold for dessert with fresh blueberries.  Spanked Abel for calling me “the first sinner” and “the downfall of mankind.”  Did lunch with Adam.  We ate the berries I picked all morning.  Held a garage sale yesterday but no one showed up.  Depressed that no one showed up for my first Mom’s Club meeting as well.  Adam and the boys are never in the mood for a “make-over.”  Thinking of suggesting to Adam that we do the “naughty” again tonight.  If I don’t begat a girl, the entire human race is pretty much screwed.

 

Adam

November 17^th, 654,117 B.C.

            Woke up.  Chopped some wood.  Not sure why I waste so much time doing this…I haven’t discovered fire yet.  Gave Cain 5 timeouts today!  I continually try to teach Abel to stand up for himself.  Both kids like to tease Eve and myself for not having “belly buttons.”  Eve is concerned that the kids have not had their shots yet.  I suggested to her we do the “naughty” again so she can begat a doctor.  She said that wouldn’t do us any good since we don’t have any insurance.  

 

Eve

July 16^th, 654,098 B.C.

            Woke up.  Asked Adam again to please consider forgiving Cain for murdering Abel in cold blood.  Adam won’t hear of it.  I told Adam we need to forgive him or else we’re not looking at much of a family get-together for the holidays this year.  Adam then raised a good point.  “In Cain’s last letter, he wrote that he has a wife.  Unless he’s into bestiality and we have orangutans as in-laws…who the hell is his wife?  Is there another God down the street starting up another race?”

           

Adam

September 10^th, 654,096 B.C.

            Eve still thinks I’m cheating on her.  With who?  I cried.  The llama?  Sometimes I wonder why the Lord made her the first woman.