(We see JACK and FRED sitting on two chairs in a cold, dimly lit room.  JACK is calm while he smokes a cigarette.  FRED is panicking as he stands and paces.)

 

FRED:  Oh God!  Oh my God!  I don’t wanna die!

JACK:  Calm down.

FRED:  Calm down?  Why should I calm down?  We’re on death row!  Not row row row your boat!  Thee death row!

JACK:  So I’ve heard.

FRED:  In minutes we’ll be injected with something that will kill us forever!

JACK:  Really?  I thought it was only for an hour or two.  Relax.  What are you getting axed for?

FRED:  That’s just it!  I didn’t even know it was a crime until they arrested me.  They got me for something called OBP.  Obnoxious Bragging Parent.  Judge said I talk about my children way too much.  Says they may be special to me but not to the rest of the world.  I refuse to believe that.

JACK:  So you’re one of those parents.  Need to brag to all your co-workers that Davey is on the little league team and Debbie is first chair violinist, huh?

FRED:  Actually, their names are Frieda and Fred, Jr. and they’re both fantastic soccer players!  Here, let me show you their pictures on their Facebook accounts.  I have my Blackberry right here.

JACK:  Here’s what you don’t understand, friend.  No one gives a shit.

FRED:  That’s what the judge said.  He said over the years I’ve wasted hours of polite friends’ and co-workers’ time so I deserve an excruciatingly painful death.  He wanted to have me sit with an ice pick and watch Real American Stories hosted by Sarah Palin on Fox News until I punctured my own eardrums and bled to death…but my lawyer got him to agree to have me lethally injected instead.  Imagine my joy when I heard the good news.  Why are you here?

JACK:  Shoulder lane driving.  Been caught too many times on the shoulder lane of highways.

FRED:  Ooh!  I hate when people do that! 

JACK:  What’s the big deal?

FRED:  Why should you be so privileged to blow by the traffic jam when everyone else properly…

JACK:  Properly what?  Sits in traffic?  If everyone was properly doing 65 mph and paying attention to the road while they drive, there wouldn’t be as many traffic jams!  Some idiot always has to get into an accident while I’m my way home from work!  The nerve!  Then every wide-eyed dope has to slow down to check out the wreck.

FRED:  I slow down.

JACK:  If people would mind their own business and drive the speed limit, we wouldn’t have traffic jams, I wouldn’t have to drive on the shoulder lane and I wouldn’t be on death row today.

(DEBBIE enters.)

DEBBIE:  Hi.

FRED:  What are you here for?

DEBBIE:  Nagging my husband.

JACK:  Serves you right.

DEBBIE:  Judge said I was a nuisance and I should be shot by a firing squad.

FRED:  What a cruel judge.

DEBBIE:  He’s my husband.  This is going to crush my family.  Just last week my sister was put to death for believing that American Idol is actually good this year.  And my grandfather was executed last year.  You know those express lanes at supermarkets?

FRED:  Your grandfather was executed for having more than 15 items in the express lane?

DEBBIE:  No.  He was executed for bitching and moaning about people having more than 15 items in the express lane…but not to the customer or the store manager.  Just standing there in line, bitching and moaning to himself.  Judge said he was being put to death for being cliché.

FRED:  My father was executed for snoring.  My mother was so happy that she spent the next two days on the phone, telling her friends.  She was then arrested and put to death for still not having call-waiting.

JACK:  My neighbor is being executed for having no life.  Ironic, huh?

DEBBIE:  What do you mean?

JACK:  He pre-ordered an Apple iPad weeks ago and still stood in line overnight this past weekend at the store to buy the very thing he had already pre-ordered!  He’s being beheaded then shot.

FRED:  Hey, can I show you my kids’ Facebook pages?

DEBBIE:  I don’t give a shit about your kids.

(WENDY enters.)

WENDY:  Hi.

ALL:  Hi.

FRED:  What are you here for?

WENDY:  I was walking my dog, okay?  He does a doody on the neighbors’ lawn, right?  No big deal.  I guess because I left it there, my dog and I were arrested and I’m told I’m getting put to death!

FRED:  What about your dog?

WENDY:  He was blindfolded, given a cigarette and shot.