NEW THIS SUMMER!  CONVICTS RETURNS TO NBC!

Starring Tiger Woods, Ben Roethlisberger, Times Square Terrorist Faisal Shahzad, Pope Benedict XVI and Bill Clinton as themselves as these convicts are forced to live together under one roof!  Join in the hilarity each week as you witness the house arrest of these five criminals!

 

(Scene:  The living room.  BILL CLINTON can be seen eating a cheeseburger and slurping on a milkshake while downloading porn on the computer on the side desk.  BEN ROETHLISBERGER is sitting on the couch playing Xbox.)

 

BEN:  Dude!  Like I won again!  I rule!

CLINTON:  The TV isn’t on, Ben.  (Laughtrack heard here.)

BEN:  Oh…I thought I was playing in night vision or something. 

CLINTON:  Heh, heh.  You shoulda worn a helmet that night you were riding, Ben.

BEN:  That’s what that underage bitch in Georgia said, Mr. President!  She wished I wore a helmet!  (Laughtrack heard here.)

(The front door opens and TIGER WOODS enters.  We hear booing from the live studio audience.)

TIGER (to audience):  What?  Oh, like none of you ever cheated on your wives with 17 whores?  C’mon!

CLINTON:  Hey, Tiger!  C’mere.  I just downloaded a bunch of hot babes…I think you slept with half of them, heh heh.

TIGER:  Real funny, Mr. President.  (He looks at the computer screen.)  Hey, you see that one there?  I gave her an Italian kiss.

CLINTON:  What’s that?

TIGER:  It’s a French kiss but a little further south.  (Laughtrack heard here.)

BEN:  How’s your bulging (CENSORED) problem, Tiger?

TIGER:  Disk, Ben.  It’s a bulging disk problem.  That’s why I quit the golf tournament on Sunday.  I couldn’t swing.

BEN:  My lawyers advised me not to swing anymore.  (Laughtrack heard here.)

CLINTON:  I’ve always had a bulging (CENSORED) problem, Tiger.  My (CENSORED) is always bulging…unless Hillary’s in the room.  (Laughtrack heard here.)

(The front door opens and POPE BENEDICT XVI enters.  There is a smattering of boos and cheers from the audience.)

CLINTON:  Good afternoon, your Holiness!

POPE:  We in the Catholic Church don’t like to use the word holy anymore, my children. 

BEN:  What are you doing here?

POPE:  Seems as if the world is upset that the Catholic Church allowed thousands of our bishops and priests to molest young boys for years and turned a blind eye to it. 

TIGER:  Wow, that’s really bad. 

POPE:  I know.  One priest in a German parish apparently molested a thousand young boys.  I punished him and yet here I am on Convicts!  I don’t get it!

BEN:  What did you to the priest?  Have him kicked out of the church?  Arrested and have him stand trial?

POPE:  No, I had his name changed and then sent to another parish.  Can someone toss me a beer? (Laughtrack heard here.)

(The door opens and FAISAL SHAHZAD enters.  The audience boos mercilessly.  There is black smudge on his face, his hair is a mess, and smoke rises off his torn clothes.  He is holding what appears to be shredded cardboard.)

BEN:  Misfired again, Faisal?

FAISAL:  I don’t get it.  The directions said to mix the two solutions together, let stand for 60 seconds, then add the powder, shake quickly, throw and enjoy.  I did that and it blew up in my face.  (TIGER takes the shredded cardboard from his hands.)

TIGER:  The directions say to mix the solutions and let stand for 30 seconds.  It blew up in your face because you held it for too long.

BEN:  Ha!  That’s what I said to that underage bitch in Georgia!

(ALL laugh and slap one another on the back.  Audience claps and cheers.  Freeze scene and roll end credits.)

Starring: Michael Jackson, Martha Stewart, Dr. Phil and Bill Clinton as themselves as these convicts are forced to live together under one roof!  Join in the hilarity each week on NBC as you witness the house arrest of these four criminals!

 

(Scene:  The living room.  Bill Clinton, dressed in a contemporary suit, can be seen eating a cheeseburger and slurping on a milkshake as he’s once again downloading porn on a computer.  Michael Jackson is dressed in his ridiculous garb practicing dance moves in front of the TV.)

 

CLINTON: Hey, Michael.  Wanna see some of the porn I’m downloading?

MICHAEL: Eeeeeeee heeeeeeeeee!  I don’t think so, Mr. President.  Those pictures of nude women are hurtful.

CLINTON: I was downloading pictures of little naked boys…

MICHAEL: Scoot on over, Billy.  (Laughtrack heard here as MICHAEL sits next to CLINTON.  We suddenly hear a knock on the door.)

MARTHA (offstage): I’ll get it!  (MARTHA enters from the kitchen wearing a sweatshirt and sweatpants with a full-length apron.  Mixed boos and cheers from the audience.)

MICHAEL: You sure, Martha, honey?  I’m waiting for a small delivery.

MARTHA: Oh?  What did you order?

MICHAEL: An 8-year-old Puerto Rican boy.  Eeeeee heeeeeeeee!  (Laughtrack heard here.)

MARTHA: Oh, Michael!  You’re so bad!  (She answers the door.  It’s DR. PHIL accompanied by a POLICE OFFICER.)

COP: Well, here’s your new roommate.  Better stock up on the Twinkies. 

DR. PHIL: This is ridiculous!  I shouldn’t be living here under house arrest!  What criminal act have I committed?

COP: We’ve gone over this time and time again, Dr. Phil.  Just by trying to sell America your talk show and asinine books is your crime.  (Laughtrack heard here.)

DR. PHIL: I think you need to read my latest book, Officer.  It’s called Listen, Just Because I Sell Books About Weight Loss and Saving Relationships When I’m a Fat Fraud Named Dr. Phil Doesn’t Warrant a 6-Month House Arrest Term.

COP: Funny thing is, I did buy that book.  Nothing but blank pages!

DR. PHIL: Why do you think I’m smiling on the cover?  (Laughtrack heard here.)

CLINTON: Bravo to you, Dr. Phil!  You and I have something in common.

DR. PHIL: We both need to do a few sit-ups?  (Laughtrack heard here.)

CLINTON: No.  We both suckered in America with our adorable and somehow believable Southern drawls!  (Pause)  Hey!  How come I didn’t get a laughtrack after that last line?

MICHAEL: You should both be ashamed of yourselves!

DR. PHIL: Why?  Because I refuse to admit I’m a fraud?

MICHAEL: No, because you’re blocking my view of the computer!  I’m trying to see my nudie boy pictures, pudgeboat!  Eeeeee heeeeee!  (Laughtrack heard here.)

MARTHA: I can’t believe I have to spend the next three months with you three swindlers.  Sigh!  I miss the days when Kobe Bryant and Scott Peterson were here.  They knew how to treat a woman.  (Audience boos mercilessly.)    

DR. PHIL: Sounds like you need to talk, Martha.  Why don’t I unpack and we can sit down and discuss my latest book, If You Have to Deal With a 6-Month House Arrest, Deal Me In?

MARTHA: And then we can discuss my latest book, Even Though I’m In Jail I Hope All You Dopey Midwestern Women Still Buy My Crap at K-Mart.

CLINTON: And then we’ll discuss my next book, Bill Clinton: My Wife, A Knife, How I’d Like To Take a Life.  (Laughtrack heard here.)  Thank you.  I appreciate that.

MICHAEL: And we can wrap up the night discussing my new book, My Life is Still Fantastic Even Though My Face Is 100% Plastic.  Eeeee heeee!

DR. PHIL: Wow, Michael.  I can see you have some serious issues.  If I were a real psychiatrist I’d like to help you.

MICHAEL: Do you have any pictures of yourself when you were 10?  I bet you were a cute little butterball, weren’t you?

ALL:  Eeeeee heeeeeeeee!

 

(Laughtrack heard here as the four and the police officer laugh.  Freeze scene and roll end credits.)

 

Starring: Bill Clinton, Saddam Hussein, Martha Stewart and former Enron CEO/founder Kenneth Lay as themselves as these convicts are forced to live together under one roof!  Join in the hilarity each week as you witness the house arrest of these four criminals!

 

(Scene:  The living room.  Bill Clinton, dressed in a contemporary suit, can be seen downloading porn on a computer.  Saddam is dressed casually and is sitting on the couch, drinking a milkshake and watching TV)

CLINTON: Whatcha watching, Saddam my friend?

SADDAM: American infidel television.  I am watching a show called “Big Brother” where a handful of American washouts live together in sin under the same roof.  If this were Iraq, I would have all of the contestants and producers shot in the head.  (Laughtrack heard here.)

CLINTON: Heh, heh.  Speaking of shot in the head, what would it cost if I hired you to take out my wife?

SADDAM: What kind of restaurant?  And are we talking a Broadway show afterwards?

CLINTON: I don’t mean on a date, Saddam!  I mean to take her out!  (Laughtrack heard here.)

(Former Enron CEO Kenneth Lay enters wearing a robe, slippers and holding a Wall Street Journal.  Sound of boos from the studio audience.)

LAY: Morning, Bill.  Morning, Saddam.

SADDAM: Morning?  It’s 8:30 in the evening, Mr. Lay.

CLINTON: He said, “Lay.”  (Giggles)

LAY (looks at his watch): 8:30 p.m.?  Damn.  I must have spent all day sleeping and dreaming of different ways to screw thousands of workers out of their 401k.  (Laughtrack heard here.)

(Martha Stewart enters wearing an apron and oven mitts, holding a tray of cookies.  Audience is mixed with boos and cheers.)

MARTHA: Would anyone like a Martha Stewart cookie?  I made them from one of my own Martha Stewart recipes from MarthaStewartLiving.com.  Log on now and buy a subscription to the Martha Stewart Living magazine.

CLINTON: Your cookies are the best, Martha!  Boy, I wish I could have married a homebody like you rather than marrying that homely bitch with no body whatsoever! 

SADDAM (takes cookie): If you were my wife, I would have had you shot years ago.  (Laughtrack heard here.)

LAY: So let me ask you, Martha.  How the hell did you get away with only five months in prison and five months house arrest?

MARTHA: Might be that I tried to save myself $43,000 by cheating the system, Mr. Lay.  You, however, cheated all of your employees of their retirement and life savings.  Let me ask you this…how is it that I have already had my trial and received my conviction and you’re still a free man?

LAY (to Saddam): Hey, Saddam, ol’ buddy.  How much would it cost if I hired you to take Martha out? 

SADDAM: What kind of restaurant?  And are we talking a Broadway show afterwards?  (Laughtrack heard here.)

(Just then there is a knock at the door.  Kenneth Lay opens it and we see Kobe Bryant wearing a Lakers jersey and holding a basketball.)

LAY: Hey, look, everybody!  It’s our ex-roommate, Kobe Bryant!  (Cheers and boos from the studio audience.)

KOBE: Hi, gang!  I just wanted to stop by and see how everyone was doing!

LAY: You must be pretty happy with the fact that you got off.

CLINTON: He said, “Got off.”  (Giggles.)

KOBE: Yeah, thank goodness.  Ya know something?  Raping that girl nearly ruined my clean-cut image!  (Laughtrack heard here.)  Who’s up for a game of Horse?

CLINTON: You know I always am, Kobe.  All of my girlfriends nicknamed me “Horse.”

MARTHA: I’ll play, too.  Let me grab my Martha Stewart sneakers on sale at MarthaStewartLiving.com for $69.99.  Please buy my magazine, too since we have all worked so hard in making my company so great and it took such a personal matter of me trying to buck the system to see it all come crashing down.  That’s MarthaStewartLiving.com.  Log on now and if you pay for a year’s subscription to my magazine I’ll throw in some free Martha Stewart bath towels and a free Martha Stewart cookbook that shows you how to make pancakes and how to pour milk into a bowl of cereal and…

(BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! We see Martha Stewart drop to the floor and Saddam holding a smoking gun.  Clinton, Lay and Kobe clap and we hear applause from the studio audience.)

SADDAM: Gentlemen, that was on the house!  (Laughtrack heard here.) 

CLINTON: Saddam, you just love mass destruction, don’t you?

SADDAM (points to his own groinal area): I got yer weapon of mass destruction right here! 

 

(Laughtrack heard here as the four laugh.  Freeze scene and roll end credits.)

 

 

NEW THIS FALL!  CONVICTS ON THURSDAY ON NBC!

Starring:  Kobe Bryant, Bill Clinton, Scott Peterson and Martha Stewart as themselves as these convicts are forced to live together under one roof!  Join in the hilarity each week as you witness the house arrest of these four criminals!

 

SCENE FROM PILOT EPISODE:

(Scene:  The living room.  Bill Clinton, dressed in a contemporary suit, can be seen playing XBox with Scott Peterson who is dressed casually.)

CLINTON

So tell me, Scott.  Did you do it?

 

PETERSON

Do what?

 

CLINTON

Kill your wife and dump her body off a boat?

 

PETERSON

Did you have sexual relations with Monica Lewinsky, Gennifer Flowers and that tramp with the beaker nose?

 

CLINTON

Er, no.

PETERSON

Then, by your standards, I didn’t kill my wife either.  (Laughtrack heard here.)

 

CLINTON (yells offstage)

Hey, Martha!  You almost done making lunch yet?

 

MARTHA (offstage)

Coming!

 

CLINTON (laughs)

She said, “Coming”.  Heh, heh.

(Martha Stewart enters.  She’s dressed in a Jaclyn Smith K-Mart outfit.  Oven mitts cover her hands as she places a tray on the living room coffee table.) 

PETERSON

What’s for lunch today, Martha?

 

MARTHA

Braised chicken but I thought we’d start with some soup.  It’s my favorite stock.  (Laughtrack heard here.)

 

(KOBE BRYANT runs down the stairs holding a magazine.  He’s wearing a Los Angeles Lakers home uniform.)

KOBE

Warning, everybody!  Do NOT go upstairs if you want to maintain your olfactory sense!  (Laughtrack heard here.)

CLINTON

Big word from the big man!

PETERSON

What big word?  My dad worked in an ol’ factory!  In fact, it was an ol’ shoe factory!  (Laughtrack heard here.)

 

KOBE

Hey, Martha, why don?t you go make me a sandwich?

 

MARTHA

Sure, Kobe.  (As she exits, KOBE grabs her ass.)  Kobe, you’re so bad!  (She exits and KOBE plops himself on the couch beside CLINTON.)

 

KOBE

Ya know something, fellas?  Martha would be somewhat attractive if she wasn’t so damn ugly!  (Laughtrack heard here.)

 

CLINTON

She has a purdy little mouth.

 

KOBE (walks to closet)

C’mon, guys!  Enough of this XBox crap!  Let’s go outside and play some basketball!

 

CLINTON

I love basketball now that I have an office in Harlem.  I’m considered one of the bruthas.  (Laughtrack heard here.)

 

KOBE (takes flat basketball out of closet)

Damn!  My ball’s flat!  And I don’t have an air pump!

 

PETERSON

Go upstairs.  I’ve got Laci’s head in a dufflebag in my bedroom.  We can play with that.  (Laughtrack heard here.)

 

CLINTON (stands)

I’ll get it.

 

KOBE

Of course you will!  Everyone knows you’re good at “getting head”!  (Laughtrack heard here as the three laugh.  Freeze scene and roll end credits.)