For those who like to read their daily horoscope in 5 seconds…

ARIES:  Today is a perfect day to pretend that you are a king.  Start by sitting on the throne. 

TAURUS:  You decide to start a new diet today, the new “Donkey Diet.”  Donkey meat may be high in protein and low in fat, but it is never good to eat the ass whole.

GEMINI:  You decide to be cute at work today by imitating Kermit the Frog when you say, “Heigh ho!” to your female admin assistant.  Unfortunately, your admin assistant never watched The Muppet Show and thinks you just called her a whore.  Have your lawyer’s phone number on speed dial today.

CANCER:  If you are a male, today is a good day to try a new form of exercise…penis push-ups.  Take it easy at first, because after just a few it will get hard.

LEO:  You like to psychoanalyze your friends even though you have no real life experience.  In return, your friends psychoanalyze you and charge it to your credit card.  You decide to psychoanalyze your cat after it leaves you a nasty surprise in the basement corner.  This is troubling because you remember you don’t have a cat so, therefore, who left the nasty surprise in the basement corner?  Your lucky number today is 397.

VIRGO:  You feel extremely paranoid today.  It might have something to do with the fact that your wife is sleeping with another man…in your bed…next to you.  Fortunately, this man says he’ll run out for coffee so the day is saved.  Unfortunately, he chooses Starbucks over Dunkin’ Donuts and as you point out to him that you actually like Dunkin’ Donuts better than Starbucks “cause Starbucks coffee tastes burnt”, your wife screams at you.  “This is why I’m leaving you!” she wails.  “I always thought you liked Wawa coffee best!”  As you two argue, the man excuses himself to the corner of your basement.

LIBRA:  Today is a good day to hit the road.  Unfortunately, the road turns out to be harder than first imagined, so you’ll spend most of the day in the ER getting a cast for your arm.

SCORPRIO:  You find that it’s not easy to follow in your father’s footsteps.  For one thing, he’s faster than you and second, he hates having you shadow him all day.  Your lucky word today is “inadequate.”    

SAGITTARIUS:  You wake up with a feeling that you just got screwed.  Coincidentally, your ass hurts.  You decide to coin your own words but you run out of pennies.  You point out to your friends that you can pick your nose and your friends at the same time…but soon you are only left with your nose.

CAPRICORN:  You decide to clean your entire house today with a toothbrush but then you have no idea how to clean the toothbrush afterwards.  You spend most of the afternoon channel surfing trying to find The Oprah Winfrey Show.  You spend your evening opening and shutting your refrigerator door, trying to trick the damn light inside.

AQUARIUS:  Your problem today isn’t eating fast food, it’s eating food fast.  Make sure you have plenty of Tums on hand.   Also make sure it’s your hand.

PISCES:  You wake up with an indescribable desire to find out the difference between a café latté and a café au lait.  You think Chock Full O’Nuts is a funny name for coffee.  It is a good day to wear parachute pants, but not while jumping out of a plane.  You are nostalgic about the 1990s because that was the last time you could get away with walking around naked.

For those who like to read their daily horoscope in 5 seconds…

 

ARIES:  Today is a perfect day to sit and reflect about all of those times you looked in the mirror and reflected. 

 

TAURUS:  A long, lost relative calls you today.  He says he’s 6’7” and desperately needs a GPS.  You wonder to yourself at some point today, “If clothes make the man, then what makes the woman?”  This haunting thought will keep you up tonight.

 

GEMINI:  Your boss will have some good news for you today!  Turns out you won’t have to worry about saving for that trip to Europe next summer after all.  Those unemployment checks will be needed for more important matters.

 

CANCER:  You have many years ahead of you!  Unfortunately, most of those years will be spent six feet in the ground.  You happily tell your spouse that Debbie has returned from vacation and is just so busy getting her kids off to school and catching up at work.  Your spouse asks, “Who’s Debbie?”  You respond, “Someone I don’t know who befriended me on Facebook.” 

 

LEO:  Your lucky word today is “why”.  Unfortunately, it will be used in some unlucky sounding sentences such as “Why am I being laid off?” and “Why are you leaving me?” and “Why am I the only one bleeding here?”

 

VIRGO:  You feel the need to buy a hat today.  There is a good chance you may strike up a relationship with someone in the hat store…perhaps someone who is buying a scarf or a pair of gloves.  You begin the conversation by asking “why would a hat store sell scarves or gloves?”  Or “why isn’t the plural of scarf scarfs?  Why is it scarves?”  If you’re lucky, the other person is a Leo and why is their lucky word today.

 

LIBRA:  Today will be that day when you finally take a stand at work.  Unfortunately, this shameless petty theft will be caught on the security cameras and you’ll need to find a good lawyer.

 

SCORPRIO:  You find that it’s not better to butter both sides of your bread.  It makes for a sticky sandwich that is also really high in saturated fat. 

 

SAGITTARIUS:  Everyone in your office laughs at you today, not with you.  Your lucky number is 70 today.  This will be the speed limit the police officer will write on your ticket, not the 82 you were actually doing. 

 

CAPRICORN:  Your cable goes out tonight just as you and your spouse sit to watch Mad Men.  Your spouse romantically asks if you have something else in mind.  You grab your laptop and exclaim you can watch Mad Men on hulu.com!  Your spouse goes out shopping for hats.

 

AQUARIUS:  You get the entire neighborhood to flush all of the toilets in their homes at the same time today!  You suddenly realize that your neighborhood is made up entirely of unemployed losers.

PISCES:  The stars are aligned for you today!  You wonder why Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, Leonardo DiCaprio, Scarlett Johansson and others are aligned on your front lawn.  You are about to call 9-1-1 when you decide that this may be a better time to take a stand.  Damn those security cameras!

For those who like to read their daily horoscope in 5 seconds…

 

ARIES:  Today is a good day.  You will do things. 

 

TAURUS:  You are easy to talk to.  Unfortunately for your friends, you do not listen well. 

 

GEMINI:  Keep your eyes open, especially while driving.  Keep them off that hot blonde in the Saab next to you at that red light today.  She may be hot, but she thinks you’re gay.  You probably are.

 

CANCER:  You are quite the charmer today!  You will need that charm to keep your fellow inmates off your ass.  Your lucky number is 6.  Or perhaps an upside down 9.

 

LEO:  No one likes you today.  Everyone laughs at you behind your back.  You ask for them to laugh at you in front of your back.  Your mother-in-law calls you to unveil a new form of sarcasm.

 

VIRGO:  You feel that the weight of the world is on your shoulders.  You are mistaken.  All of that weight is in your stomach and thighs.  Get to the gym, fat ass. 

 

LIBRA:  Today will be a good day.  Tomorrow will be a bad day.  The police will find that hidden firearm tomorrow.  Call some lawyers or perhaps update your passport today.  Your lucky color is fuchsia, but not that deep pink color that reminds you of fuchsia.  No, not that one.

 

SCORPRIO:  You come into some money today when your dead rich uncle’s will is read.  Unfortunately, your uncle was eccentric and he only leaves you Monopoly money along with the top hat, the iron and the thimble.

 

SAGITTARIUS:  Possessions do not make you who you are.  Well, except for that Harley you bought last summer.  That was sweet.  That’s got the other fellas in the neighborhood pining.  If it wasn’t for that, you’d be nothing.

 

CAPRICORN:  You invent an invention that will revolutionize the world today!  Either that or you buy a bottle of colon cleanser.  Your lucky numbers are 7 and 3.  But not 73.  And certainly not 37.  Oh my God, not 37.

 

AQUARIUS:  You are the butt of everyone’s jokes today because you still think Pluto is a planet.  Your sex life has been nonexistent ever since you broke your right hand. 

PISCES:  The stars are aligned for you today!  Yes, their specific location and gravitational pull has everything to do with what goes on in your puny, insignificant life.  Uranus will determine whether or not you have a bowel movement tomorrow.