28 Jun
Excerpt from the Live 8 press conference. 20 years after the highly successful Live Aid, Bob Geldolf has announced the follow-up to that concert with another series of concerts to be held in Philadelphia, London, Paris and Berlin.
REPORTER: Mr. Geldolf, when it comes to the list of performers, how do you compete with the 1985 Live Aid concerts? How do you top the Who, Led Zeppelin, Queen, U2, Crosby Stills Nash & Young, Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers, Tina Turner, Madonna, Duran Duran, Dire Straits, the Cars, Sting, Phil Collins, Elton John, Mick Jagger, Bob Dylan, Paul McCartney…just to name a few?
GELDOLF: As great as that concert was…and with all due respect to those legendary artists…they can’t even compare to the list we have here for the 2005 Live 8 concert. Not even close. Sorry. Next question.
REPORTER: Can you tell us who will be performing in this year’s concert?
GELDOLF: Huh? Uh…sure. Sure. Why not? Well, for starters, we have Prince performing in Philadelphia. Prince, Eminem, Jay-Z, Buckner & Garcia and Dave Matthews. How do ya like them apples fer yer gravy?
REPORTER: Woo hoo. Wow. I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying. Who the hell are Buckner & Garcia?
GELDOLF: You don’t know the legendary duo that made the song “Pac-Man Fever” the classic it is today? They will be performing right after Bow Wow Wow and Neil Sadaka.
REPORTER: Why don’t you cut the crap and give us some headliners.
GELDOLF: Headliners? Uh…well…let me look at my notes here.
REPORTER: Will U2 perform again in London?
GELDOLF: I have a call out to Bono. I’m sure he’ll call me back. We’re tight.
REPORTER: You really don’t have much of a list.
GELDOLF: I’m keeping a lot of it under wraps. Builds excitement, y’know? Did I mention Duran Duran will perform in London with their original bloody lineup? That’s right, folks. Andy Taylor and Roger Taylor are back! Oh, here are my notes. Joining Dave Matthews and Eminem in Philly are Puff Daddy and Huey Lewis.
REPORTER: And the News?
GELDOLF: No, sorry. They left Huey when he lost his voice. Did I mention DJ Jazzy Jeff?
REPORTER: And the Fresh Prince? Will Smith will be performing?
GELDOLF: Er, no. He’s on location shooting a Steven Spielberg movie. But DJ Jazzy Jeff has teamed up with Andrew Ridgeley, the other half of Wham!
REPORTER: How exciting.
GELDOLF: Remember the group America?
REPORTER: Yes! Are they reuniting for Live 8?
GELDOLF: No. I was just curious to know if you remembered them. I do. I own all their albums. Hey! The Spice Girls are reuniting for the London concert. Well, except Ginger Spice won’t be there. She’s been replaced by the chick who replaced Marsha Brady back in the 70s on The Brady Bunch Variety Hour. She’s called Old Spice.
REPORTER: Boring. Anyone else?
GELDOLF: You’re forgetting the concert in Berlin. Remember that group that sang “99 Red Balloons”?
REPORTER: Yeah?
GELDOLF: They turned us down. But Dr. Hook, Nancy Sinatra and Seals & Croft did not! And in Paris, Dexy’s Midnight Runners will be performing alongside .38 Special, Big Country, Beatlemania, Adam Ant and Bread. Tell me that’s not a winning lineup! Oh, and I do have a call out to John Denver.
REPORTER: John Denver’s dead.
GELDOLF: Yeah, he probably won’t get back to me anytime soon. Say, do you happen to play an instrument?
7 Apr
Excerpts from the hidden surveillance tapes at the Vatican over this past weekend. CARDINAL FRANCIS spent 12 hours/day for 3 days interviewing possible replacements for Pope John Paul II’s replacement. Here are some highlights:
CARDINAL FRANCIS: Next!
KENNETH LAY: I’m here to interview for the position of pope, yer majesty.
CARDINAL FRANCIS: Name?
KENNETH LAY: Kenneth Lay. I used to run Enron until I was falsely accused of stealing hundreds of thousands of Enron employees’ retirement plans, hopes and dreams and running the company into the ground.
CARDINAL: I like your style. Are you married?
KENNETH LAY: I could be.
CARDINAL: Stand in that line by the soda machine. I’ll consider you for the next round. Next!
MARTHA STEWART: I’m Martha Stewart.
CARDINAL: Aren’t you a woman?
MARTHA: Yes. It’s all in my new book, I’m Martha Stewart & I’m a Woman, I Swear.
CARDINAL: Sorry, the Catholic Church does not allow female priests and from what I’m told we’re not allowing any female popes.
MARTHA: It’s because I just spent the last 6 months in prison, isn’t it?
CARDINAL: No, it’s because of the crap you produce and sell to millions of people around the world.
MARTHA: That’s why I want to be pope. I’d like to thank God for making people so dopey and dependant on an ex-con for lousy recipes and window drapes!
CARDINAL: Fine. Stand in line behind Mr. Lay. Next!
DR. PHIL: Hi! I’m Dr. Phil and I want to be the next pope.
CARDINAL: Qualifications?
DR. PHIL: I know everything about anything. Ask my viewers. They’d love to see me run the Catholic Church. In fact, you can read all about my dreams of popehood in my latest yarn, Pope Dr. Phil I: Why I Should Run the Catholic Church.
CARDINAL: I believe your head is too big to be the pope.
DR. PHIL: Blasphemy! How dare you accuse me of having a big ego! Me! Dr. Phil!
CARDINAL: I didn’t say anything about your ego. Your head is too big. Next!
JOHN KERRY: I’m John Kerry and I’d like to be the next Pope.
CARDINAL: Qualifications?
JOHN KERRY: Gosh, where do I begin? Did you know that I was known as Monsignor Kerry at my local parish, Sts. Peter, Paul & Mary, before I went to Vietnam? I cured 17 people with terminal diseases just by touching them!
CARDINAL: That’s amazing! It’s a shame you couldn’t cure your wife, Theresa, of her disease last year.
JOHN KERRY: That’s Tear-ay-zuh and what disease are you talking about?
CARDINAL: Diarrhea of the mouth! Next!
MICHAEL JACKSON: Eeee heeeee! I’d like to sign up to be the next pope, your kinship. Pope King of Pop I.
CARDINAL: Aren’t you on trial for molesting little boys?
MICHAEL JACKSON: Yes. It’s very hurtful. Lies. Nothing but lies. Shame, shame. When I become pope I’m going to make all of those meanies go to confession for lying about me. I have never molested little boys! (Plop!)
CARDINAL: Uh, Mr. Jackson? Your nose just fell off.
MICHAEL JACKSON: That’s funny. Usually it just grows into a long branch…
5 Apr
While cleaning out his attic, Rob Carroll discovered a few “Seek Therapy’s” stashed away in a damp, cardboard box. The following “Seek Therapy” was written by Carroll when he was 7-years-old and in the 2nd grade, circa 1976. Nothing has been changed from the original. Please excuse the typos and obvious grammatical errors.
By Robby Carroll
Scene: Little Billy Brenner is asleep in his bed. He is 6. It has been 10 minutes since his Daddy tucked him in bed. Sudden lee, his bedroom door opens. It is the Tooth Fairy! He’s dressed in a two-two with wings and perhapz he is holding his magic wand.
TOOTH FAIRY: Here I am in little Billy Brenner’s bedroom. I am going to remove his tooth from under his pillow then I will give him a quarter. A quarter is 25 cents.
The Tooth Fairy liffs the pillow and does not see little Billy’s tooth.
TOOTH FAIRY: Like, dude, there is no tooth under the pillow. Hmmm. Hmmm again. My secretary told me that little Billy Brenner lost his first baby tooth today.
BILLY: I did.
TOOTH FAIRY: Oh my gosh! Little Billy! You are awake!
BILLY: You must be the Tooth Fairy.
TOOTH FAIRY: The Tooth Fairy must I is.
BILLY: And I see you are holding your magic wand.
TOOTH FAIRY: Yes. It gives me magic powers.
BILLY: Many states would have you arrested for holding your “magic wand” in front of a minor.
TOOTH FAIRY: Then I shall tuck it away in my magic two-two. I have no kworrel with you and your laws.
BILLY: Where is my money, Tooth Fairy?
TOOTH FAIRY: I was getting to that. Before you woked up, I lift Ed your pillow and did not see your tooth. I was told you lost it today.
BILLY: I did lose it today. I was playing “Kill the Guy” with my friends and my tooth was knocked out of my mouth. See? I lost it.
TOOTH FAIRY: Oh…you mean you lost it.
BILLY: That’s what I sed. Is there an echo in here?
TOOTH FAIRY: I’m sorry, little Billy Brenner. If you do not have a tooth to give me, then you do not get a quarter from me. A quarter is 25 cents.
BILLY: A nickel is 5 cents and a dime is 10 cents. I lurned that today in skool. Today is Fursday.
TOOTH FAIRY: You are a smart boy, little Billy. Would you like to touch my magic wand?
BILLY: No thank you. My parents never told me to speak with strangers.
TOOTH FAIRY: But I’m not a stranger. I’m the Tooth Fairy! Maybe if you knew my name we wouldn’t be strangers any moor, huh?
BILLY: That sounds fair.
TOOTH FAIRY: My name is Michael Jackson and guess what? I come from the future!
BILLY: Kool!
TOOTH FAIRY: I’m a sci-fi Tooth Fairy, Billy. See that rip in time and space next to your bureau? I must step through that portal now or else I will be late for my trial. Farewell, Billy! I’ll be back when all of your teeth fall out. Then we will both enjoy my magic wand!
BILLY: I lurned 3 new numbers today, Tooth Fairy. 9-1-1.
TOOTH FAIRY: Really, huh? I think I’ll be going now. Eeee heeeeee!
Upon reading this, Robby’s 2nd grade teacher, Mrs. Blanchard, promptly called Mr. and Mrs. Carroll and suggested electroshock treatment. Robby’s parents believed such treatment to be too harsh for their disturbed little boy. Mrs. Blanchard was recommending it for Mr. and Mrs. Carroll.
22 Mar
The following is an excerpt from Michael Jackson’s diary:
March 16th, 2005:
Another trying day at the trial. Eeee heeeeeee! More adults saying hurtful things about me and my slumber parties. I just don’t understand what is so wrong about sleeping with little boys in the same bedroom. I can’t wait to explain to them and to the world that sleeping with little boys is not wrong! And when we do play “Groinal Swordfights” I always make sure my sword is stored in my own sheath when we’re done. My lawyer had explained to me months ago that storing my sword in little Danny’s sheath is a no-no, no matter how much little Danny smiles.
I need to explain to the world that if little boys don’t fondle their ding-dings on a timely basis, they can get to a level where they might be hurtful to a girl or become unstable or be hurtful to a girl in a stable. And that would be doubley hurtful, touch black no trade back. When I explain this then the world will know that I am innocent.
Jermaine came over for dinner tonight at the ranch. We reminisced about the good old days when we were in the Jackson 5…when daddy used to beat us…before my 78 plastic surgeries…when I was black, etc.
Diana Ross called to offer support. I told her I have had a crush on her ever since the wiz. She said she loved making “The Wiz” with me. I told her I had a crush on her ever since I took a wiz an hour ago and what the hell was she talking about?
March 17th, 2005
I really don’t like the judge anymore. He’s so hurtful. I told my lawyer this morning that I had some serious back pain and today would not be a good day for the trial. Eeee heeeeee! And the mean old judge said he’d throw my white ass in prison if I didn’t show up within an hour! So hurtful. So I told Billy and Jimmy to get out of the bathtub and we’d have to play “Snorkel For Sausages” at a later date.
I didn’t even have to time to get dressed for the trial. I overheard the media saying hurtful things about my jammies and bunny slippers. I nearly wanted to cry. I told them that I was rubber and they were glue. That showed them. After the proceedings today, I called my two best friends, Peter Pan and Tinkerbell, and sobbed. My daddy hugged me in the courthouse and said I was still his favorite little freaky pedophile. That made me feel better.
Liz Taylor came over for dinner tonight. I asked her if she thought I was guilty. She couldn’t answer. I said her lack of response was hurtful. She still wouldn’t answer. I nearly wanted to cry. Turns out Liz really couldn’t answer. She was choking on a leg of lamb. I picked up the phone and called my Fairy Godmother to come and save Liz. There was no answer. Liz turned purple. I explained to her that her choking was very hurtful to me and that I was going to tell.
I called Bill Cosby for support tonight and asked him what was it like to be a major celebrity for four decades and be well loved by the public and not have any blemishes on your storied career?
Bill said he didn’t know. Eeee heeeee.