A clip from a recently filmed eCarnage TV ad.  eCarnage’s advertising firm decided to pull the ad before it ever aired.

 

(SCENE:  We see OJ SIMPSON sitting at a table in a dimly lit, romantic restaurant.  He is dressed to the nines.  As he sips his wine, the camera cuts to CASEY ANTHONY who is sitting across the table, also decked out.  She looks lovingly into OJ’s eyes.)

 

OJ:  Some more wine, Casey?

CASEY:  Sure.  Thanks, OJ.

OJ:  I’m so glad I went online to eCarnage.  I never thought I’d find another love in my life.  Not after Nicole was so brutally murdered by someone other than me.

CASEY:  And I never thought I’d find true romance again after my daughter Caylee died after mysteriously vanishing for 31 days.  Still not sure how that happened, let me tell you!

OJ:  I was so sorry to hear about your daughter.  You must have been so distraught for those 31 days when you didn’t report your daughter missing.

CASEY:  I was.  My Mother’s Club was just about to nominate me for “Mother Of the Year” award when poof!  She goes missing and my parents start telling the police that the trunk of my car smells like decomposing flesh!  Duh, thanks Mom!

OJ:  Didn’t you say it was your nanny who kidnapped Caylee?

CASEY:  Yes, until everyone found out that I had no nanny.  Like that was somehow my fault!

OJ:  I know!  Sorta like in my case that everyone thought I killed my ex-wife!  I never killed a white woman in my life!  And helllllllllo?  The gloves didn’t fit!  Sheesh!

CASEY (chuckles):  You kill me.

OJ:  Not yet.

CASEY:  How’s your investigation going?

OJ:  Huh?

CASEY:  After you were found not guilty you stated you were going to spend the rest of your life tracking down Nicole’s murderer.  Any leads?

OJ:  Er, no.  But I…uh…feel like I’m pretty close.  Yeah.  Something should turn up soon.  Uh huh.  You gonna look for your daughter’s murderer?

CASEY:  Hey!  I wonder what specials they have here tonight?

(A WAITER enters.  He looks remarkably like Ron Goldman.)

WAITER:  Can I take your order, miss?

OJ:  You gotta problem, pal?

WAITER:  Excuse me?

OJ (brandishing a dangerous looking butterknife):  You looking at my white date?

WAITER:  Uh…I’ll give you two jailb…er…lovebirds a few more minutes.  (He exits.)

OJ:   Listen, why don’t we blow this joint?

CASEY:  I’d rather smoke it.  Ha, ha!

OJ:  Seriously.  Let’s get out of here.  (He begins to put on a pair of tight, black gloves.)

CASEY:  Sounds good to me. 

OJ:  And we, uh, take a ride in my car?

CASEY:  You sure you wouldn’t want to go in my car?  There’s something I’d like to show you in my trunk.

OJ:  If you look first.

CASEY:  Let’s paint the town red tonight!!  (Both tilt their heads back and laugh like hyenas.  Freeze scene.)

VOICEOVER:  Looking for something meaningful?  That’s why people like OJ and Casey come to eCarnage.  And that’s why we take the time to match you with singles who share your traits, values, goals and non-guilty verdicts by juries of your peers.  eCarnage…the #1 online dating service for singles who would kill for a good time!

COMING SOON TO A THEATER NEAR YOU…

 

(We see LINDA and JOHN asleep in a bed.  JOHN is snoring lightly.  Suddenly, we hear a flutter sound.  This is followed quickly by another flutter.  Now an even louder flutter.  LINDA and JOHN open their eyes.)

 

LINDA:  Did you hear that flutter?

JOHN:  I thought it was a flap.

LINDA:  Sort of like a flicker.

JOHN:  Possibly a flurry?

LINDA:  Maybe a…uh…I can’t think of any other noise words that start with F and L…

(Just then something small lands on LINDA’s nose.  Her eyes cross to look down upon it.  She screams and jumps out of bed.)

LINDA:  John!  Did you see that?

JOHN:  Yes!  My God!  What was it?

VOICEOVER:  A normal family in a normal household…

LINDA:  It just flew by my ear!  John, what was it?

JOHN:  I…I don’t know.

VOICEOVER:  …but this fall, there is nothing normal in this household…

(A scream is heard down the hall.)

LINDA:  That was Jill!  Our daughter!

JOHN:  My God!  I’ve never heard her scream like that!

LINDA:  I thought it was more of a shriek.  Or a screech.

JOHN:  Maybe a shout, perhaps?

VOICEOVER:  This fall, terror has a new name…

(We see JILL, age 9 or 10, so hard to tell kids’ ages these days in Hollywood.  She walks numbly into the bedroom.  Something…some THINGS…are on her face!!!)

JILL:  Mom…Dad?  Help…me!

LINDA:  Jill!!!

JOHN:  My God!  When did you develop acne?

JILL:  Huh?

JOHN:  Acne…that moves!!!

(JILL and LINDA scream.  We hear the flutter sounds again as the small things now fly around the room.  Just then a window shade flies open and we see the small things crawling all over the window.  The camera zooms in on JILL’s horrified face as she points to the window.)

JILL:  Stiiiiiiink buggggggggeeeeeeees!

JOHN:  My God!

VOICEOVER:  This fall, there is a new smell of terror.  STINK BUG! starring George Clooney as John…

JOHN:  Look at me smirk while I gather up the stink bugs with toilet paper.  Here!  Got another one.

VOICEOVER:  Reese Witherspoon as Linda, his wife…

LINDA:  Ha!  I crushed another stink bug with my chin!

VOICEOVER:  Lindsay Lohan, trying to recapture her cute, sober youth, as Jill…

JILL:  Listen, you two keep killing those stink bugs while I go visit my probationary officer, ‘kay?

VOICEOVER:  And Samuel L. Jackson as Flint McBlack the Exterminator…because Samuel L. Jackson stars in every other movie anyway…

McBLACK:  Enough is enough!  I’ve had it with these m*****f*****g stink bugs in this m*****f*****g house!

VOICEOVER:  This fall, there is no escape from STINK BUG!

LINDA:  They’re really not all that bad.  They’re just…all over the place!

JOHN:  Look how I smirk at everything you say.  Someone should just make a movie of me just standing around…smirking.  Cary Grant never smirked like this.

LINDA:  Also, come see me in my other new movie, “Legally Blonde 3:  Blonde, James Blonde.”  Yeah, you know you wanted another Legally Blonde movie.

McBLACK:  If my answers frighten you then you should cease asking scary questions.

JILL:  God, I need a drink.

McBLACK:  Hamburgers.  The cornerstone of any nutritious breakfast.

VOICEOVER:  This fall, come see the movie that really stinks.  STINK BUG!

From the humble abode of Rob Carroll, 41, of West Chester, PA the evening of 1/4/10:

 

ROB:  OK, the kiddies are asleep, Sue’s making their school lunches for tomorrow, and I’m sitting here in the office talking to myself.  Time to write the first Seek Therapy for 2010…and…my God…I can’t come up with anything!  My first writer’s block ever!  I can’t believe it!

(There is a KNOCK on the front door.)

ROB:  Hey!  Scat!  Get off my front door, you Knock!

KNOCK:  Sorry.  (The KNOCK exits.)

(We hear the front doorbell ring.  ROB answers the door.)

ROB:  Wow, it’s Tiger Woods!  What are you doing here in West Chester?

TIGER:  I need to seek therapy, Rob.  I checked out your website, thought it sucked which tells me you suck which is why I’m here.  (He winks.)  Who’s my caddy?

ROB:  Cool.  Honey?  Tiger Woods is here!

SUE (from the kitchen):  I’m making lunches!

ROB:  C’mon in.

TIGER:  Mind if my 17 whores join me?

ROB:  Ah.  So those 17 women are whores and you’re not, huh?  Interesting.  Er, no.  I don’t mind.  (TIGER and his women enter.)  Honey?  Tiger’s nice girlfriends are with him!

SUE (from the kitchen/annoyed):  Lunches!

 (The doorbell rings.  ROB answers.)

ROB:  Look at this!  It’s Sarah Palin!

PALIN:  Wouldn’t yah know I was driving in the area and I thought I’d stop in tah ask for directions.

ROB:  Where do you want to go?

PALIN:  The White House.  Preferably in three years.

ROB:  Honey?  Sarah Palin’s here and she’s delusional!

PALIN:  Nah.  Just lost.

ROB:  Have a seat in the living room.  Tiger Woods is in there with his whores.

(The doorbell rings.  ROB answers.)

ROB:  Wow!  It’s Donovan McNabb and…what is that??

MCNABB:  It’s the Philadelphia Eagles head coach Andy Reid.

ROB:  What’s wrong with him??

MCNABB:  His head is buried up his ass.  It’s been that way ever since we landed in Dallas last weekend.  We were hoping you would know a good proctologist.

ROB:  Uh…let me look online.

MCNABB:  Here, use my Blackberry.  (He throws it at ROB’s feet.)

ROB:  I guess it doesn’t matter if it’s a football or not, huh?  Heh, heh. 

MCNABB:  Are you…making fun…of my throwing?  *SQUISH!!!*

ROB:  Honey?  Andy Reid and Donovan McNabb are here!  Donovan must be double jointed because he just plunged his head up his own ass.

SUE (from the kitchen):  Why?  Does he think he’s on a football field?

TIGER:  Mind if I call a few women?  It ain’t a party until I got at least two dozen broads couch dancing for me at once.

ROB:  No!  No more whores.  It’s a school night.

(The doorbell rings.  ROB answers.)

ROB:  President Obama!

OBAMA:  Good evening, my fellow American.  Do you mind if I ask your thoughts on my new Afghanistan strategy?

ROB:  You mean your “Escalating In Order to Withdrawal” strategy to send in more troops with a definitive exit date of July 2011 when our troops will come home and the Taliban will simply overrun the country at that point?

OBAMA:  Yeah, that one.  Ooh!  Is that Tiger Woods with his whores?!

ROB:  Yeah, but the one you’re pointing to is Sarah Palin.  Honey?  President Obama, Sarah Palin, Donovan McNabb, Andy Reid, Tiger Woods and his whores are all in the living room!

SUE (from the kitchen):  Did you write your Seek Therapy yet for this week?

ROB:  No.  I can’t come up with any ideas!

(There is another KNOCK on the front door.)

ROB:  It’s another Knock!  Get the hell off my front door!

KNOCK:  Sorry.  Just thought I’d try to help save this issue…

(What happens when there are too many stories to satirize in one week.  SCENE:  Your standard retail store.  KATE GOSSELIN enters and is greeted by an employee dressed in a SANTA outfit.)

 

SANTA:  Ho ho ho!

KATE:  How dare you call me a ho’!

SANTA:  Welcome to your standard retail store!  Ho ho ho!  Merry Christmas!

KATE:  Uh…it’s two weeks to Halloween and I need to buy some outfits for my kids.  You know, my “plus 8”?  Ha, ha, ha.  I’m Kate Gosselin and I’m all about me.

SANTA:  I’m sorry; we stopped selling Halloween stuff back in August.  Thanksgiving season ended on Columbus Day.  Do you need some stocking stuffers?  I’d hurry if I were you!  The trucks full of Valentine’s Day crap is unloading in the back as we speak.  Ho ho ho!

KATE:  Are you kidding me?  I can’t buy Halloween stuff in October anymore??  I can’t live like this!  Why did Jon leave me?  I can’t go on… (to camera man)…you’re not standing on my good side…cheat left…cheat left!   Ahem!  Action!  Why did Jon leave me?

(SANTA removes his red coat and pants to reveal a CUPID outfit, complete with bow and arrow.)

SANTA/CUPID:  Happy Valentine’s Day!  Get all your goodies for Valentine’s Day before it’s too late!

(The front doors open and ROMAN POLANSKI enters, amidst a chorus of boos.)

ROMAN:  What?  She wanted it!  Everybody knows that!  (To SANTA/CUPID)  I need a really good Halloween outfit.  The French have a plan to sneak me out of my Swiss cell tonight but I need to be disguised.

SANTA/CUPID:  Why don’t you disguise yourself as a moral human being who realizes now, 32 years later, that he should pay the penalty for molesting a 13-year-old when he himself was 44?

ROMAN:  Nah…how about a ghost or a pirate costume?

SANTA/CUPID:  You’re already out of Switzerland, Mr. Polanski.  This is a standard retail store in the U.S.

ROMAN:  My God those French are efficient.

KATE:  How come no one is talking to me anymore?  Helllloooo??  Kate Gosselin here!  Did I mention I’m on Facebook?  And that I Twit?  No one is more relevant or hip than me!

(The front doors open and JOHN McCAIN enters.)

McCAIN:  Good day, my friends.  I’m here today to urge everyone to write their congressman to push for a posthumous pardon for Jack Johnson.

SANTA/CUPID:  Jack Johnson is dead???  I loved Jack Johnson!  I have all his albums!

KATE:  Does he ever sing about me, Kate Gosselin?  I’m appearing on The View next week.  Not sure who’s babysitting my kids.  (to camera man)  Did you get that?  I just smiled.  See?  I can smile!!!

McCAIN:  My friends, I’m talking about the African-American boxer, Jack Johnson.  I’m urging President Obama to grant a posthumous pardon to Johnson who served 10 months in jail for dating a white woman in 1913.

ROMAN:  This is why I fled your stupid country!  He got 10 months in jail just for dating a white chick???

(The front doors open and RICHARD and MAYUMI HEENE, along with their son FALCON a.k.a. “Balloon Boy” enter, amidst a chorus of boos.)

RICHARD:  What?  It wasn’t a hoax!  We are not in this for the attention!  Ooh, honey, look!  Cameras!

FALCON:  Daddy, you told me to go hide in the garage so that one day we can have a reality TV show and sell our souls like that bitch Kate Gosselin.

RICHARD:  Did not.  (to KATE’s camera man)  Get my good side on this.  Not too close.  Thanks!  Ahem!  I am Richard Heene and I am here today to assure all of America that I am indeed available for a reality TV show contract.  My wife and I have decided to adopt some more kids, give them all names like Hawk and Swallow and Peregrine, then swap wives or kids or lose weight or dance or whatever it takes to get a multi-million dollar contract from the idiots at TLC.

KATE:  Beat ya to it, loser.

(The front doors open and KANYE WEST enters.)

KANYE:  There are so many funnier blogs than this one!

(SANTA/CUPID is now dressed as a LEPRECHAUN.)

LEPRECHAUN:  That would have been funnier 2 weeks ago, jackass.  Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

(Everyone but KANYE WEST holds their heads back and laughs.  Freeze scene and roll end credits.)

We're also available for birthday parties, weddings, bar mitzvahs...

The following took place in the home of Sid Garcia, 42, of Miramar, FL on the evening of 6/22/09.  Mr. Garcia had just returned from a water-ice run with his wife Marie, 40, and daughter Judy, 11, when the following occurred:

 

MARIE:  OK, Judy, time for bed.

JUDY:  Can’t I stay up just a little bit longer?  It’s summer!

MARIE:  And it’s 10:00.  10:00 is “just a little bit longer”.  C’mon.

(The phone rings.)

SID:  I’ll get it, honey.  Goodnight, princess!  (He kisses his daughter and answers the phone.)  Hello?

VOICE:  Hello?  Mr. Garcia?

SID:  Yes?  Who is this? 

VOICE:  I’m Jon Gosselin from Jon & Kate Plus 8, the hit TV series on TLC.

SID:  Huh?  Who are you?

JON:  You know…the reality TV show about my wife and I and our eight kids.  The show follows my family and our daily lives, focusing on the challenges of raising multiple children.  And let me tell you, our children are not being exploited!  No emotional distress here!

SID:  What’s TLC?

JON:  Mr. Garcia, I’m calling you and thousands of families such as yours tonight because I wanted to make sure that you’re okay with the announcement Kate and I made this evening.

SID:  Who is this?

JON:  I know that millions of Americans are now distraught over the fact that Kate and I have decided to divorce.  We know it’s going to be difficult at first, but we believe we’re doing the best thing for our children.  Let’s face it, my wife’s a bitch.  Everyone can see that.  She even bitched about the placement of the stupid crooked houses we just had built for the kids.  Would you have put up with Kate’s antics all these years?

SID:  Sir, I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about and I have a call on the other line.  Hold on.  Hello?

VOICE:  Is this Mr. Garcia?

SID:  Yes.

VOICE:  This is Kate Gosselin from Jon & Kate Plus 8, the hit TV series on TLC.

SID:  Is this a joke? 

KATE:  Sir, divorce is no joke.  This is a decision that will affect every member of our family, one we hope that will bring each of us some peace.

SID:  Yeah, I know.  I have your husband on the other line.

KATE:  What??  He already beat me to the punch on the PR front?  Sure…now he talks!  Do you have con call on your line, sir?  Can you click me in?

SID:  Let me see.  Yes, here we go…

KATE:  Jon?

JON:  Kate?! 

(As the two argue, MARIE approaches.)

MARIE:  Who’s on the phone?

SID:  Don’t know.  I’d say they’re two low-class assholes who think they’re celebrities.

WE INTERRUPT THIS ISSUE OF SEEK THERAPY WITH THE FOLLOWING ANNOUNCEMENT!!!

WOMAN:  My name is Ellen Durke and I am a member of PETA.  We are still demanding an apology from President Obama for maliciously killing that fly last week!  Flies, as well as all insects, have every right to live, just as much as we human beings!  That fly, born last Monday in a pile of dog shit, was a beloved member of the fly community.  He is survived by his wife and 17 maggots.  The president is no Buddha…we humans still have a long way to go before we think before we act.  On behalf of the fly, PETA demands an apology.  Mr. President?

OBAMA:  I have one question for you, Ms. Durke.  Would I need to apologize if I killed the bug that’s up your ass?

Backstage meeting regarding the upcoming 2007-08 season of “Sesame Street”:

GORDON:  Okay, everybody!  Everyone gather round.  We have some important things to discuss.

BIG BIRD:  Anything the matter, Gordon?

GORDON:  For starters, we’re going to change a few names around here.  I’d like to introduce everybody to our new character, “Veggie Monster.”  (Cookie Monster stands next to Gordon.)

MARIA:  Say what?

GORDON:  Apparently, a number of viewers complained that Cookie Monster here ate nothing but cookies.

COOKIE MONSTER:  “C” is for cookie, that’s good enough for me!

GORDON:  Knock that (CENSORED) off, Veggie Monster!  Your new name is Veggie because if your name remains Cookie Monster most parents feel you’d be a negative influence on their children. 

GUY SMILEY:  How is that?

GORDON:  I guess if kids see him eat cookies, they’ll want to eat cookies as well. 

MARIA:  This wasn’t a problem from 1969-2007…why is it a problem now?

GORDON:  Parents no longer act parental to their kids, apparently.

ERNIE:  I like to eat cookies in bed.

BERT:  How many times have I told you about eating cookies in bed, Ernie?

GORDON:  You won’t have to tell him anymore, Bert.  Starting with the first episode of the new season, you’re moving out.

BERT:  Say what?

GORDON:  A new right-wing Christian group, SMO (Straight Muppets Only), petitioned PBS to have you and Ernie “break up” so to speak.  They feel that you two are inspiring children to “turn gay”.

ERNIE:  Are you (CENSORED) kidding me?

GORDON:  Bert moves in with Gladys the Cow and you start dating Wanda the Word Fairy.

ERNIE:  Oh, like that won’t confuse the kids!

GORDON:  One step at a time, Ernie.  One step at a time.

COOKIE MONSTER:  What?  I gotta munch on carrots now, for Chrissake?  Do I look like Bugs (CENSORED) Bunny over here?

GORDON:  We’ll discuss that later, Veggie Monster.

COOKIE MONSTER:  You can discuss it with my agent.  I’m outta here. 

OSCAR THE GROUCH:  I love this!  It’s about time everyone sees life as I have!  It’s miserable!

GORDON:  That’s going to change this season, Oscar.  In the 2^nd episode this season, you’ll start taking Lexapro.  Grover’s hyperactivity will be attributed to ADHD and will be dealt with accordingly.  Baby Bear will work on curing his lisp, Luis and Maria will attend marriage counseling, Alan sells Hooper’s Store to Wal-Mart, Snuffleupagus will start wearing a giant condom on the end of his trunk to promote safe sex and Elmo will be dyed green.

ELMO:  What the (CENSORED) are you talking about?

GORDON:  Too many kids think you’re Satan because you’re red.  I’m not sure how we missed that 15 years ago, but the parents today are obviously much more with it.  You’re getting dipped next week.

ELMO:  I refuse to be dyed green!  This is (CENSORED) ridiculous!

KERMIT THE FROG:  It’s not easy being green.

MARIA:  Gordon, you have got to talk to PBS about all this. 

GORDON:  I would, but unfortunately today is my last day.  A tall, bald black man is seen as “too intimidating” for the kids of today.

ALL:  WHAT?!?!

GORDON:  I’m being replaced by Herve Villechaize, “Tattoo” from Fantasy Island.  His name will be Mr. Churipo and he’ll be teaching the kids how to illegally obtain a worker’s permit in the U.S.

BIG BIRD:  This would have never happened if Mr. Hooper were still alive!

GORDON:  I agree with you, Big Bird.  By the way, your name is being changed to “Whiny A-Hole.”

BIG BIRD:  How in God’s name is that politically correct?

GORDON:  It’s not.  The viewers voted and that name received 97% of the votes.  See you at the Electric Company, everybody!

Examining the 2006 Best Picture category

 

BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN

HOLLYWOOD SYNOPSIS:  Two young cowboys in the 1960s develop a strong bond that turns to love over the course of a summer in the Wyoming mountains. As they share herding duties in an isolated setting, Ennis and Jack find themselves drawn into a relationship–made impossible by the time and circumstances in which they live–that will color the rest of their lives.

LET’S KEEP IT REAL SYNOPSIS:  Two butt buddy cowboys in the 1960s decide to play paddycake with each other’s ass once they’ve worn out their welcome with the herd.  Anus and Jack find themselves in a gay relationship even though they’re married.  Once they realize that they will never be able to fulfill their hearts’ desire, you the viewer will already be desiring your money back.  How in God’s name this piece of crap got nominated…oh yeah, I guess we are talking about Hollywood, huh?

 

CAPOTE

HOLLYWOOD SYNOPSIS:  When the murder of a family in Kansas captures the interest of celebrated writer Truman Capote, he travels to their small hometown to research what will become his best-known book. As the details of the crime unfold and the two killers are captured and tried, Capote’s involvement with the case becomes both morally ambivalent and deeply personal.

LET’S KEEP IT REAL SYNOPSIS:  Celebrated fag in drag writer Truman Capote travels to a small town in Kansas looking for Anus and Jack but soon realizes that they’re in Wyoming.  Does anybody give a rat’s ass about Truman Capote?  And could someone please tell actor Phillip Seymour Hoffman to shower or shave or possibly tuck his shirt in one of these days?  How in God’s name this piece of crap got nominated…oh yeah…the Hollywood thing.  Never mind.

 

CRASH

HOLLYWOOD SYNOPSIS:  The lives of a diverse group of people living in Los Angeles connect and clash over the course of two days. As a series of events unfolds that will heighten already-existing racial and cultural tensions, individuals are brought face to face with complexities that their prejudices have prevented them from seeing.

LET’S KEEP IT REAL SYNOPSIS:  Blacks hating whites who hate blacks and Hispanics who hate both.  Can’t we all just get along?  Hey, remember when Matt Dillon starred in good movies like “The Outsiders” and “There’s Something About Mary” and that one flick with the chick from “Scream” and Charlie Sheen’s smokin’ ex-wife?  “Wild Things” should have been an Oscar winner.  Just the sex scene with Matt, Scream chick and Charlie Sheen’s ex-wife was enough for Matt to cry out, “Nominate this!”

 

GOOD NIGHT AND GOOD LUCK

HOLLYWOOD SYNOPSIS:  In the paranoia-ridden 1950s, Senator Joseph McCarthy pursues a grandstanding witch hunt for suspected Communists that destroys the lives of those he accuses. Appalled by the resulting climate of persecution and fear, veteran CBS reporter Edward R. Murrow and his producer, Fred Friendly, decide to confront McCarthy with an investigation into his tactics.

LET’S KEEP IT REAL SYNOPSIS:  Sounds like the title of a movie that has no chance in hell of winning the Oscar.  “Hey, George Clooney!  You think this movie is gonna win best picture?  Good night and good luck!”  Edward R. Murrow died a thousand years ago from smoking 10 packs a day.  Gee, what a great idea for a movie.  And half the moviegoers ages 18-34 couldn’t even tell you what a Communist is anymore!  What a great date movie!

 

MUNICH

In the aftermath of the tragic slaying of eleven Israeli athletes at the 1972 Munich Olympics, a secret band of highly trained agents is formed to track down and kill the men responsible for the murders. As their mission unfolds, its repercussions begin to take a psychic toll on Avner, the group’s leader.

LET’S KEEP IT REAL SYNOPSIS:  Maybe this movie would be cool if it were based on the real Olympic murders in Munich, but it’s all fictitious.  Talk about a downer of a movie!  Another great date movie if you’re looking to end the night by committing suicide!  Kudos to Spielberg, however, for not casting that midget Tom Cruise in this one. 

 

I can see myself calling out to my wife:  Hey, honey!  Want to go to the movies tonight?  Here are our choices:  We can go see some guys trying to murder the murderers of the Olympic athletes in Munich…or we can see a movie about the 1950s journalist Edward R. Murrow who smoked a lot of cigarettes…or we can go see a movie where a bunch or racists kill each other…or go see something about a gay writer traveling to Kansas to find Dorothy to steal her red ruby shoes…or go see two gay cowboys redefine the term “cowpoke.” 

 

Yeah, Hollywood really has their finger on the pulse of America!

Tom Cruise

• Learn to mind my own business.
• Stop jumping on talk show hosts’ furniture.
• Stop acting like I know what’s best for everybody because hey, I’m Tom Cruise.
• Admit that I make my love life obnoxiously public because I really am afraid to look in the mirror and admit that I was the inspiration for Brokeback Mountain.
• Admit that when I talk about my religious beliefs I really should wear Vulcan ears.
• Sign up for acting lessons.

Brad Pitt

• Call Jennifer and see if she’ll take me back.  Yeah, Angelina gives the best (CENSORED) on the planet with those lips…but this adopting a kid every other week is cramping my style!

Oprah Winfrey

• Somehow come up with a new idea for my magazine cover…rather than seeing my sorry ass on it month after month after month after month after month after month after month after mo…

Martha Stewart

• Stay out of jail.
• Get back at NBC execs for cancelling my Apprentice show.  I’ll show them!  I’ll make them pay!  I’ll make them ALL pay!
• See New Year’s Resolution #1.

Dr. Phil

• Only release 47 books in 2006, rather than my usual 192.
• Admit to my audience that I am a complete fraud and have no business giving advice…especially advice on how to diet!  I still can’t believe Americans are buying a diet book from a fat, bloated bald bastard such as me!  Stupid Americans!
• Stop calling Americans stupid.  They put my worthless ass on the map.

Pope Benedict

• Admit that I chose this name because I’m a huge fan of eggs and I thought ‘Pope Benedict’ sounded better than ‘Pope Over Easy’.
• Finally admit that there was a sex scandal in the Catholic Church…but claim it was brought on by 9/11.

Michael Jackson

• Stop sleeping with boys!  Stop sleeping with boys!  Stop sleeping with boys!  Eee-heeeeeee!

Donald Trump

• Get a haircut and finally comb my hair back to reveal the swastika on my forehead.

O.J. Simpson

• Come clean and admit to the public that I murdered my ex-wife and her boyfriend.  I can’t even imagine the shocked looks on everyone’s face.  I’ll bet most people won’t believe me!

Terrell Owens

• Fire Drew Rosenhaus’ obnoxious ass and admit that I am the biggest, greedy, childish, self-serving, immature, conceited a-hole on the planet!

George W. Bush

• Admit when I’m wrong more often in 2006.  It’s the only whey my aproval ratings will go up.
• After admitting I’m wrong, blame the CIA for fawlty informattion.
• Forgit the ‘admitting when I’m wrong’ bit.  I do that and I ain’t got time for nothing else!
• Cut my annual vacation time from 20 weeks all the ways down to 19.  Show my fellow Americans I mean business.  Show I’m gonna write this ship.
• Tell the public that we’ll have all of our troops home by early 2009.  This way, when it don’t happen, thay can blame President Hilary.
• Figure out which twin is which, once and for all.

Bill Clinton

• Admit to the world that I married Hilary because I’m gay and she reminded me of Tom Cruise, my first love.

Grade school report cards from various celebrities:

 

O=Outstanding                   S=Satisfactory                     N=Needs Improvement                       U=Unsatisfactory

 

George W. Bush, 4^th grade

Math: N   Language Arts: U    Science: N    History: U    Reading: U    Arts/Crafts: N    Music: U    Gym: U

I know this is the second year your son has attended my fourth grade class, Mr. And Mrs. Bush, but unfortunately I have to recommend he repeat once again.  I have never heard anyone butcher the English language as much as your boy.  (And I spent seven years teaching in Malaysia.)  Just the other day he said, “Teach a child to read and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.”  Last week he said, “Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB/GYN’s aren’t able to practice their love with women all across the country.”  Two days before that he said, “Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.”  I’m sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Bush, but George will have to take my class again.  God forbid he end up holding a position later in life where it’s mandatory that he speaks.

 

Michael Jackson, 5^th grade

Math: N   Language Arts: S    Science: N    History: S    Reading: N    Arts/Crafts: O    Music: O    Gym: S

Michael has been a pleasant student and a pleasure to teach.  It concerns me, however, that he likes to hang out with 1^st graders and run around screaming, “Eee heee!” when they play hide and go seek at recess.  This should be addressed.  Also, he likes to volunteer to stay after school to clap the erasers nearly every day.  One day I stepped outside and discovered that he likes to clap the erasers on his face!  I asked Michael why he was doing such a thing.  “Eee heee!” he cried.  “Jahm’on!  Jahm’on!”  And then he ran around the playground screaming that he was the Snow Queen from the Hans Christian Anderson fable.  This is somewhat disturbing behavior.

 

Martha Stewart, 3^rd grade

Math: S   Language Arts: S    Science: N    History: S    Reading: N    Arts/Crafts: O    Music: U    Gym: U

Martha has been a pleasant student and a pleasure to teach.  Martha excels at Arts & Crafts.  What disturbs me, however, is that Martha tends to ignore the class assignment and she proceeds to create her own projects.  Just this past month, Martha constructed some window draperies, matching his and her bath towels, and she wrote her own summer cookbook!  She then said, “Someday, I will mass market this worthless crap and sell them to stupid Americans…maybe in a dump like Kmart.”  When I explained to Martha that what she said wasn’t appropriate (let alone nice), she replied, “You strike me as a stupid American, Miss Leatherwood.  Here, why don’t you buy some Martha Stewart Embroidery Needles and a Martha Stewart Birch Leaf Cutting Board?”  This is disquieting, Mr. and Mrs. Stewart.

 

Tom Cruise, 5^th grade

Math: S   Language Arts: S    Science: S    History: N    Reading: O    Arts/Crafts: S    Music: S    Religion: U

Tom has been a pleasant student and a pleasure to teach.  He has done well with most of his coursework, however, I needed to give him an “Unsatisfactory” grade for Religion.  Each time I would open the Bible in class, Tom would blurt out, “Lies!  These are nothing but lies and fairytales!”  I asked Tom what he believes in.  He replied, “The aims of my religion are a world without insanity, without criminals, without war, where the able can prosper and where Man is free to rise to greater heights.”  I then suggested to Tom that his religion has failed him, because when it comes to height, no one is shorter in class than your son!  I also believe he might be gay as well as short.

 

John Kerry, 4^th grade

Math: O   Language Arts: O    Science: S    History: O   Reading: O    Arts/Crafts: S    Music: S    Gym: U

John has been a pleasant student and a pleasure to teach.  John does seem to have a bit of trouble with fibbing, or “white lies.”  Just the other day, for example, we had a show ‘n’ tell.  John stood in front of the classroom and presented 12 medals of honor, as he put it, for saving the town from “One-Eyed Evil Communist Dictators.”  After school I made him clap erasers for telling such lies.  He said it was true and he had 11 or 12 classmates to back him up and if I didn’t believe him he was going to report me to the school board and they would “know how to silence me.”  He then said he was available to date any girl who was as rich as Richie Rich or even richer.  And he hoped this filthy rich girl would have a funny sounding name and would also be dumb enough to believe that he was the town hero.  What a dreamer, your son!

Excerpt from the Live 8 press conference.  20 years after the highly successful Live Aid, Bob Geldolf has announced the follow-up to that concert with another series of concerts to be held in Philadelphia, London, Paris and Berlin.

 

REPORTER:  Mr. Geldolf, when it comes to the list of performers, how do you compete with the 1985 Live Aid concerts?  How do you top the Who, Led Zeppelin, Queen, U2, Crosby Stills Nash & Young, Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers, Tina Turner, Madonna, Duran Duran, Dire Straits, the Cars, Sting, Phil Collins, Elton John, Mick Jagger, Bob Dylan, Paul McCartney…just to name a few?

GELDOLF:  As great as that concert was…and with all due respect to those legendary artists…they can’t even compare to the list we have here for the 2005 Live 8 concert.  Not even close.  Sorry.  Next question.

REPORTER:  Can you tell us who will be performing in this year’s concert?

GELDOLF:  Huh?  Uh…sure.  Sure.  Why not?  Well, for starters, we have Prince performing in Philadelphia.  Prince, Eminem, Jay-Z, Buckner & Garcia and Dave Matthews.  How do ya like them apples fer yer gravy?

REPORTER:  Woo hoo.  Wow.  I’ve got chills.  They’re multiplying.  Who the hell are Buckner & Garcia?

GELDOLF:  You don’t know the legendary duo that made the song “Pac-Man Fever” the classic it is today?  They will be performing right after Bow Wow Wow and Neil Sadaka.

REPORTER:  Why don’t you cut the crap and give us some headliners.

GELDOLF:  Headliners?  Uh…well…let me look at my notes here.

REPORTER:  Will U2 perform again in London?

GELDOLF:  I have a call out to Bono.  I’m sure he’ll call me back.  We’re tight.

REPORTER:  You really don’t have much of a list.

GELDOLF:  I’m keeping a lot of it under wraps.  Builds excitement, y’know?  Did I mention Duran Duran will perform in London with their original bloody lineup?  That’s right, folks.  Andy Taylor and Roger Taylor are back!  Oh, here are my notes.  Joining Dave Matthews and Eminem in Philly are Puff Daddy and Huey Lewis.

REPORTER:  And the News?

GELDOLF:  No, sorry.  They left Huey when he lost his voice.  Did I mention DJ Jazzy Jeff?

REPORTER:  And the Fresh Prince?  Will Smith will be performing?

GELDOLF:  Er, no.  He’s on location shooting a Steven Spielberg movie.  But DJ Jazzy Jeff has teamed up with Andrew Ridgeley, the other half of Wham!

REPORTER:  How exciting.

GELDOLF:  Remember the group America?

REPORTER:  Yes!  Are they reuniting for Live 8?

GELDOLF:  No.  I was just curious to know if you remembered them.  I do.  I own all their albums.  Hey!  The Spice Girls are reuniting for the London concert.  Well, except Ginger Spice won’t be there.  She’s been replaced by the chick who replaced Marsha Brady back in the 70s on The Brady Bunch Variety Hour.  She’s called Old Spice.

REPORTER:  Boring.  Anyone else?

GELDOLF:  You’re forgetting the concert in Berlin.  Remember that group that sang “99 Red Balloons”?

REPORTER:  Yeah?

GELDOLF:  They turned us down.  But Dr. Hook, Nancy Sinatra and Seals & Croft did not!  And in Paris, Dexy’s Midnight Runners will be performing alongside .38 Special, Big Country, Beatlemania, Adam Ant and Bread.  Tell me that’s not a winning lineup!  Oh, and I do have a call out to John Denver.

REPORTER:  John Denver’s dead.

GELDOLF:  Yeah, he probably won’t get back to me anytime soon.  Say, do you happen to play an instrument?