24 Jun
From the e-mails of Max Werther, 28, a per diem proctologist of Wilmington, NC, to his wife, Lynn:
From: Max
To: Lynn@honey.com
Subject: Ham & Ophie
Date: December 6th
Dear Lynn,
Ham called. Ophie went under the stairs, crawled down some hole, and dragged Satan out of hell. Satan is now sitting on our sofa, eating my sorbet and watching my Star Trek: Deep Space Nine tapes. He loves the cathedral ceiling and is pretty sure the entertainment center can be fixed with a little elbow grease. Ophie cracked open a few beers, and the three of them sang Scout songs by the fireplace. You want to talk about having the touch! With the tip of his finger, Satan was able to get that fire ablazing! I’m so envious. I told Ham to make sure they clean up after the devil vacates. Those kids! (*Chuckle!*) What are we going to do about them? (*Chortle!*)
Love,
Me
From: Max
To: Lynn@honey.com
Subject: Ham & Ophie
Date: December 14th
Dear Lynn,
Ham called. Friggin’ Ophie! She decided to light a fire. The dumb ass cat got her tail in the fireplace and it went up like a sparkler! Within seconds, she was reduced to a pile of ashes! Ham dove in after her, and he went up like exhaled cigar smoke! “Oh well,” I said, “at least Lynn and I won’t have to worry about your gander anymore.” Ham laughed. He was friggin’ hysterical. “Say,” I said, “if you went up like a neutron bomb, then who the hell am I speaking to?” Suddenly, there was an evil laugh, and the phone line was disconnected. WHO WAS I SPEAKING TO???
By the way, are you in the mood for Chinese tonight?
Love,
Me
29 Apr
From the e-mails of Max Werther, 28, a per diem proctologist of Wilmington, NC, to his wife, Lynn:
From: Max
To: Lynn@honey.com
Subject: Idea
Date: November 10th
Dear Lynn,
How’s work? Busy here. Idea for mutual Christmas gift! Jeannie called an hour ago to say that her cat (a Persian, I believe) has given birth. Now I know you don’t like cats, honey, but if they are Persians, they are going to be very cute. In fact, Persians are the most popular domestic cats out there. They’re very warm and lovable and they don’t smell as bad as dogs. Let’s go out there tonight and take a look. What do you think?
Love,
Me
From: Max
To: Lynn@honey.com
Subject: So???
Date: November 11th
Dear Lynn,
How’s work? My boss is getting on my nerves again. I gave him an expense report (took one of our consultants out to lunch last week) and he wants me to pay half. I stood firm. “Why should I have to pay half?” I cried. He said it wasn’t company policy to take consultants to the racetrack and expense my losses, but I was so sure Vat O’ Glue would at least place!
So…any other thoughts on the kittens? I’ve never seen you so crazy about animals before. I can’t believe there were only two in the litter. Which one do you want? The boy or the girl?
Love,
Me
From: Max
To: Lynn@honey.com
Subject: No!!!
Date: November 11th
Dear Lynn,
No! We are not getting both kittens! Are you insane?! I refuse to give in to you. We will never get both kittens!
Love,
Me
From: Max
To: Lynn@honey.com
Subject: I’m Whipped
Date: November 12th
Dear Lynn,
Everyone here says I’m whipped for agreeing to get both cats. You know you’re going to suffer with your allergies. Why do we have to get both cats? And I don’t buy your silly argument that the “two will miss each other”. They’re cats! Within two minutes after their separation they won’t even remember the other one! I think I’d rather have one big smelly dog.
Love,
Me
From: Max
To: Lynn@honey.com
Subject: Names
Date: November 17th
Dear Lynn,
I don’t like Tony and Tina. Burns and Allen, Fred and Ginger, Fred and Wilma, Nancy and Sluggo…I don’t like any of them. Since we both love the stage, I’m thinking of something theatrical. Something Shakespearean. Consider Romeo and Juliet, Hamlet and Ophelia.
Love,
Me
From: Max
To: Lynn@honey.com
Subject: Ham & Ophie
Date: November 17th
Dear Lynn,
So you like Hamlet and Ophelia, huh? So do I. Ham and Ophie it is. They look like a Ham and Ophie. Ham has the eyes of a director and Ophie has the personality of a melodramatic, self-centered actress. There’s something about Ophie that worries me, Lynn. I think we have our hands full with her.
Love,
Me
From: Max
To: Lynn@honey.com
Subject: Ham & Ophie
Date: November 20th
Dear Lynn,
Ham called. Ophie got her head stuck in the toilet. Put her on the phone, I said. “Can’t,” said Ham, “her head’s stuck in the toilet.” Suddenly, I heard this tremendous tear, as if God himself was in the apartment letting it rip. Then, now don’t get upset, I heard what sounded like Ol’ Faithful herself; a geyser erupting in our bathroom. There were some curses, and the phone dropped. Someone picked it up. “Christ!” I heard. It was Ophie! Ophie, I said, what’s going on over there? Is your head out of the toilet? “No, Goddammit! It’s still on my f*&#ing head!!!” Then how in God’s name are you talking to me? “F$%* you!” she cried and slammed the phone down.
I just got a call from the Wilmington Department. Apparently, now don’t get upset, Ophie ripped the entire toilet off its base and is now walking, in a daze, on Wooster Street with a toilet seat cover on her noggin’, chanting like a Muslim. The entire first floor is flooded and Ham is in a state of shock. Those kids! (*Chuckle!*) What are we going to do with them? (*Chortle!*)
Love,
Me