THE ADVENTURES OF ASS-MAN

 

On a dare from his drunken buddies, Steve Maycock of Wallingford, CT undergoes plastic surgery to have his face replaced with his ass.  When he awoke the next morning and realized that the operation was irreversible, Steve Maycock became ASS-MAN, the Man Who Literally Talks Out His Ass.

 

THIS WEEK’S EPISODE:  THE ELEVATOR BUTTON PUSHER

(It is the 2010 Connecticut Society of Proctologists Convention in the Crowne Plaza Hotel in downtown Hartford.  Dr. Jonas Felton has just checked in and has made his way to the elevators.  He pushes the UP button which immediately illuminates.  We see Dr. Felton slowly rocking back and forth on his feet as he waits for an elevator to arrive.  Thirty seconds later, ASS-MAN arrives in cheeky fashion with his “Twilight: Eclipse” duffel bag.  Dr. Felton is alarmed by ASS-MAN’s horrid looks.)

 

FELTON:  Good Lord!

ASS-MAN:  I’d like to think so.  If not, then I suppose we’re all damned for eternity.

 

(ASS-MAN proceeds to push the illuminated elevator button.  Dr. Felton silently seethes as ASS-MAN sings to himself.)

 

ASS-MAN:  Brandy, you’re a fine girl!  What a gooood wife you would be!  Such a fine girl!  Sorry, my voice always cracks on that line.  I suppose that’s bound to happen when one sings from a crack.  Heh, heh!

FELTON:  You do realize that the elevator button was already pushed.

ASS-MAN:  Sorry?

FELTON:  The elevator button was lit.  I had already pushed it.

ASS-MAN:  So? 

FELTON:  What was the point pushing the button when it’s already been pushed?

ASS-MAN:  It’ll make the elevator get down here faster.  But my life, my love and my lay-day…is the see-ee-ee…

(ASS-MAN pushes the button again.)

FELTON:  Seriously?

ASS-MAN:  Makes it go faster.

FELTON:  Is that a wise crack?

ASS-MAN:  And he starts with the butt jokes!

FELTON:  Sir, I already took the time to push the UP button.  It’s already lit.  You can see that.  What sort of psychological or micro-managing force allows you to walk in here and push it again?

ASS-MAN:  I admit I am a bit anal.

FELTON:  I bet you repeatedly bang on the “Walk” button for pedestrians at intersections.

ASS-MAN:  Sure I do.  Makes it go faster.

FELTON:  You ever press the UP and DOWN buttons at the same time?  I can’t stand it when people push them both together. Sure it’ll get an elevator there faster but it won’t speed up the one traveling in the direction you want to go.

ASS-MAN:  At night…when the bars close down…and Brandy walks through a silent town…

FELTON:  When there are people already on the stopped elevator they all wonder why no one is getting on!  In the meantime, you just stand outside the elevator looking in at them.  

ASS-MAN:  And loves a man…who’s not around…she still can hear him say…

FELTON:  And then there are the people who get on elevators traveling the opposite direction but press buttons for floors that the elevator won’t hit but then they get visibly frustrated and angry.  

ASS-MAN:  I like to rush onto the elevator while everyone’s trying to get out.

FELTON (all fired up):  This one time, I started on 9 and was headed to the lobby. Some guy gets on at 4 and presses 12. When the elevator continues down, he audibly exhales and looks at me like I did something wrong!

(ASS-MAN repeatedly presses the button now.  The UP arrow above the elevator door illuminates, we hear a “bing!” and the doors open.)

ASS-MAN:  See?  Got here faster.  She hears him say, “Bran-day!  You’re a fine girl!  What a gooood wife you would be!  Such a fine girl!”

FELTON:  You’re an ass.

 

TUNE IN NEXT WEEK FOR ANOTHER EXCITING EPISODE OF THE ADVENTURES OF ASS-MAN WHEN ASS-MAN SAYS:

 

ASS-MAN:  How come no one ever wants to dance cheek to cheek with me??

On a dare from his drunken buddies, Steve Maycock of Wallingford, CT undergoes plastic surgery to have his face replaced with his ass.  When he awoke the next morning and realized that the operation was irreversible, Steve Maycock became ASS-MAN, the Man Who Literally Talks Out His Ass.

 

THIS WEEK’S EPISODE:  ASS-MAN VS. OBAMACARE

(We see Ass-Man standing in downtown Washington, D.C. with his trusty sidekick, Sphincter Boy, on March 21, 2010.  Both are waving mini-American flags.)

ASS-MAN:  Well, here we are, Sphincter Boy.  In the heart of pure evil and corruption…our nation’s capital.

SPHINCTER BOY:  You speak as though this were a sad day, Ass-Man.

ASS-MAN:  It is, my young flatulent one!  As we stand here, our elected representatives are voting to transform our healthcare into a socialist nightmare!

SPHINCTER BOY:  Nonsense, Ass-Man!

ASS-MAN:  Listen to me!  I think we can agree that we need healthcare reform.  But just look at this bill!  Not only will it cost us more money in taxes, the quality of our healthcare will greatly decrease!  It doesn’t take anything more than common sense to understand that if we cover 30 million more people without adding more providers, the quality of our care will diminish and care will be rationed! 

SPHINCTER-BOY:  You’re watching way too much Fox News.

ASS-MAN:  Just look at Canada and England.  Why do so many people from around the world come to the US for healthcare?  Because they don’t have to wait months for treatment!  Many doctors will leave the profession if they decrease Medicare payments.  What about our seniors who’ve been paying into the system for years only to find out that when they need it most, their care will be cut? 

SPHINCTER BOY:  I’m beginning to wonder why I ever agreed to be your sidekick.  You and I really have never had much in common.  I can see that now.  And I know you agree.  I can see it in the line of your face.

ASS-MAN:  Why not cut out the fraud and waste in Medicare?  Why not increase competition with health insurance?  Let people purchase whichever insurance they want, even if it means crossing state lines.  Isn’t that what capitalism is all about?  All Obama and the Democrats want is a government takeover of our healthcare!

SPHINCTER BOY:  According to FactCheck.org, Ass-Man, Republicans and conservative groups have continued to claim that the bill institutes a system like the one in the United Kingdom, or Canada, or otherwise amounts to a government takeover.  It doesn’t.  The fact is that the federal health insurance plan (a.k.a. the “public option”) is now gone from the bill.  A pure government-run system was never among the leading Democratic proposals, much to the chagrin of single-payer advocates.  Instead, the bill builds on our current system of private insurance, and in fact, drums up more business for private companies by mandating that individuals buy coverage and giving many subsidies to do so. There would be increased government regulation of the insurance industry, however, to require companies to cover preexisting conditions, for example.

ASS-MAN:  Good luck getting your weekly appointment with your proctologist, Sphincter Boy!  You won’t be able to see a doctor since all the lousy, freeloading, tax-evading immigrants will now be given free coverage under our new government run healthcare!!! 

PEDESTRIAN (to Sphincter Boy):  Hey pal.  You may want to tell your buddy here he’s talking out his ass.

 

TUNE IN NEXT WEEK FOR ANOTHER EXCITING EPISODE OF “THE ADVENTURES OF ASS-MAN” WHEN ASS-MAN SAYS:

 

ASS-MAN:  What’s that?  My premium is going down 3%?  Hmmm…would my new coverage pay for tanning salon visits?  I need a little color in my cheeks.

On a dare from his drunken buddies, Steve Maycock of Wallingford, CT undergoes plastic surgery to have his face replaced with his ass.  When he awoke the next morning and realized that the operation was irreversible, Steve Maycock became ASS-MAN, the Man Who Literally Talks Out His Ass.

 

THIS WEEK’S EPISODE:  ASS-MAN BUTTS, ER, BETS HIS DOCTOR

(We see Ass-Man standing in his doctor’s office, butt-faced naked.  Dr. Gordon enters the room.)

GORDON:  Good Lord!  Sorry, Ass-Man, I just can’t get used to your ass being above your neck. 

ASS-MAN:  It’s okay, Doc.  Sometimes I still can’t believe I’m in this predicament.  I’m just thankful I have this here hole in my ass so I can still communicate.  I’m not sure what I’d do if I didn’t have it.  Thank God for ass holes, huh?

GORDON:  So what can I do for you today?

ASS-MAN:  Just my regular check-up.

GORDON:  OK.  Take a step on the scale over there.  Thank you.  Hmmm…250 lbs.  You’ve gained 10 lbs. since last year’s check-up, Ass-Man.

ASS-MAN:  250 lbs.?  Really?  I can’t believe that! 

GORDON:  Do you exercise?

ASS-MAN:  Do I exercise??  Like a fiend, Doc!  I’m really anal about it!  Touch these cheeks!  Rock solid!

GORDON:  Yes, your face…er…ass is like granite.  Well, muscle does weigh more than fat.

ASS-MAN:  But 10 lbs.?  I can’t believe it.  All of the swimming and spinning I do!

GORDON:  It’s okay, Ass-Man.  Maybe you’re eating a bit too much.

ASS-MAN:  Ever since I replaced my face with my ass I’ve been eating less.  Food is somehow less enjoyable now.

GORDON:  Well…I’m not one for counting calories, but I guess it couldn’t hurt to write down what you eat for the next week or two, and then go see a nutritionist I’m going to recommend to you.

ASS-MAN:  Doc…I’m willing to bet I can lose 10 lbs. without the use of a nutritionist!  In fact, I’m willing to bet I can lose 10 lbs. immediately!

GORDON:  That’s ridiculous!  No one can lose 10 lbs. at the drop of a hat. 

ASS-MAN:  Wanna make a bet?  I’ll bet you $100!

GORDON:  You’re saying that if you stepped back on that scale right now…you’d weigh 240 lbs.?

ASS-MAN:  Yep!  And if I’m not at 240, I’ll pay you $100!

GORDON:  You’re on!  Step back on the scale, Ass-Man.

ASS-MAN:  Get ready to fork over a Ben Franklin, Doc!  (He steps on the scale.)

GORDON:  Ha!  250 lbs.!  I knew you were talking out your ass!

ASS-MAN:  Oh, wait a second… (He steps off the scale as his butt crack turns up in a sly smile.)  Let me lose this here erection first!

 

TUNE IN NEXT WEEK FOR ANOTHER EXCITING EPISODE OF “THE ADVENTURES OF ASS-MAN” WHEN ASS-MAN SAYS:

 

ASS-MAN:  How many times do I have to tell you?  Just because I talk out my ass does not mean I work for the government!!!

On a dare from his drunken buddies, Steve Maycock of Wallingford, CT undergoes plastic surgery to have his face replaced with his ass.  When he awoke the next morning and realized that the operation was irreversible, Steve Maycock became ASS-MAN, the Man Who Literally Talks Out His Ass.

 

THIS WEEK’S EPISODE:  ANAL IN D.C.

(We see Ass-Man standing in the front row on the Capitol Hill steps on January 20, 2009 with his trusty sidekick, Sphincter Boy.  Both are waving mini-American flags.)

ASS-MAN:  Well, here we are, Sphincter Boy.  We’re at President Obama’s inauguration.

SPHINCTER BOY:  You’re acting as if this were a sad day, Ass-Man.

ASS-MAN:  Nonsense, my young flatulent one!  I may have spent the better part of two years trying to convince my colleagues that electing Obama would be the downfall of America, but I have seen the error of my ways.

SPHINCTER BOY:  You have, Ass-Man?

ASS-MAN:  Yes.  Now I believe he will bring about the downfall of mankind.

SPHINCTER BOY:  Ass-Man!

ASS-MAN:  Just kidding!  Sheesh!  Loosen up that jock strap of yours, Sphincter Boy!  I now believe that electing Barack Obama president is the best thing for America!  Only he can once again get this country of ours onto the path of righteousness! 

SPHINCTER BOY:  It’s good to hear you say that, Ass-Man.  So you’re saying you no longer believe Obama is a puppet of radical Islam?

ASS-MAN:  Conservative propaganda.

SPHINCTER BOY:  You no longer believe he’s going to be sworn in on the Koran?

ASS-MAN:  He’s getting sworn in as we speak, Sphincter Boy.  I see his hand on the Bible.

SPHINCTER BOY:  It no longer bothers you that his middle name is Hussein?

ASS-MAN:  Why should it?  My middle name is Jawschwa. 

SPHINCTER BOY:  Jawschwa?

ASS-MAN:  My parents had a speech and spelling impediment.

SPHINCTER BOY:  You no longer believe Michelle Obama hates white people?

ASS-MAN:  I had her confused with Oprah Winfrey.  My bad.

SPHINCTER BOY:  And you believe he will do his best to get our troops home quickly from Iraq and Afghanistan, fix the auto and banking industries, decrease unemployment and fix the healthcare problems?

ASS-MAN:  Not only do I believe that, Sphincter Boy, but I am willing to give our new president the time it takes to get these problems fixed!  I am behind President Obama 100% and I am willing to be patient!

SPHINCTER BOY:  That’s great, Ass-Man!  I’m very proud of you!  You should be a proud American today!

SPEAKER:  And now, ladies and gentlemen…the 44^th President of the Unites States…Barack Obama!

(We hear millions cheer for the new president for what seems like hours.  As the cheering dies down and the new president is about to speak, we hear one man booing…our cheeky hero.)

SPHINCTER BOY:  Ass-Man! 

ASS-MAN:  What kind of president is this guy?  Our troops are still in Iraq and Afghanistan!  The auto and banking industries are still in shambles, unemployment is still sky high and healthcare costs are through the roof!

SPHINCTER BOY:  But he just took office 30 seconds ago!  You said you’d be patient!

ASS-MAN:  I was patient, Sphincter Boy!  This guy is a bum!  He hasn’t done a thing!  I say he should be impeached!  Palin in 2012!

MAN (to Sphincter Boy):  Hey pal.  You may want to tell your buddy here he’s talking out his ass.

TUNE IN NEXT WEEK FOR ANOTHER EXCITING EPISODE OF “THE ADVENTURES OF ASS-MAN” WHEN ASS-MAN SAYS:

 

ASS-MAN:  I most certainly am not relieving myself in public, officer!  This here’s an Ashton cigar!!!

On a dare from his drunken buddies, Steve Maycock of Wallingford, CT undergoes plastic surgery to have his face replaced with his ass.  When he awoke the next morning and realized that the operation was irreversible, Steve Maycock became ASS-MAN, the Man Who Literally Talks Out His Ass.

 

THIS WEEK’S EPISODE:  ANAL ABOUT OBAMA

(We see Ass-Man on a blind date, sitting in a restaurant opposite the lovely Lolita Jenkins.  Ass-Man is eating a Caesar salad, periodically missing his, uh, “mouth”.)

ASS-MAN:  I’d like to thank you for meeting me on such short notice, Lolita.  Dating hasn’t been easy for me ever since the operation.

LOLITA:  Yeah, well…uh…

ASS-MAN:  Is something wrong, my sweet?

LOLITA:  You have a crouton stuck to your, uh, cheek.  No, the other one.

ASS-MAN:  So tell me about yourself, Lolita. 

LOLITA:  Didn’t you read my profile on the website?

ASS-MAN:  Yes, but those were just words.  Words on a screen.  Describe yourself to me.

LOLITA:  I’d have to use words to do so, Ass-Man.

(Ass-Man reaches across the table and takes Lolita’s hands.  Lolita is clearly uncomfortable with this.)

ASS-MAN:  What’s the point of words when there is the attraction that I feel between us?  I can sense the lust.  It’s understandable.

LOLITA:  Speaking of words, repulsion sounds a bit like attraction.  Listen…your profile stated you were anal.  I thought that meant you had a compulsion for control or something…not that you’d have an ass for a face.

ASS-MAN:  You have no idea what it’s like.  Sure, it was funny at first, but you wouldn’t believe what it’s like going to the dentist these days.  And people mock me.  They really do.  But you seem different, Lolita.  You strike me as a person who goes beyond the physical traits and looks into one’s soul.

LOLITA:  I don’t believe in souls.  I’m an atheist.

ASS-MAN:  Surely we must have something in common.  Who are you voting for in the presidential election? 

LOLITA:  Maybe we shouldn’t discuss politics.

ASS-MAN:  Then let’s discuss my new water bed in my studio apartment.

LOLITA:  I’m voting for Barack Obama.

ASS-MAN:  Barack Obama?

LOLITA:  That’s what I said.

ASS-MAN:  Sorry, my hearing hasn’t been the same ever since I had my ears removed in a drunken stupor!!!

LOLITA:  Um, waiter?

ASS-MAN:  Hold on a second, honey.  Are you really going to vote for Barack Obama?  Don’t you know he’s a Muslim?  If he wins the election, he’s going to be sworn in with the Koran.  He won’t say the Pledge of Allegiance or place his hand over his heart!  The Muslims have said they plan on destroying the US from the inside out…what better way to start than at the highest level - through the President of the United States…one of their own!!!!  His middle name is Hussein, for God’s sakes…named after his Uncle Saddam!  Obama is best friends with William Ayers, the most dangerous terrorist known to mankind!  Their wives play Bunko together!  Obama’s campaign is funded by foreigners.  The kind of foreigners from outside America!  If elected, Obama himself will have Roe v. Wade overturned!  Obama is not pro-choice…he’s pro abortion!  Michelle Obama used the word “whitey” in a diatribe at Trinity United Church of Christ in Chicago.  She hates all white people!  She even calls Barack “Caramel Tormé” when he sings!

WAITER:  Um, sir?  She’s gone.

ASS-MAN:  What?  Damn!  I guess…I guess I was…

WAITER:  Talking out your ass?

 

TUNE IN NEXT WEEK FOR ANOTHER EXCITING EPISODE OF “THE ADVENTURES OF ASS-MAN” WHEN ASS-MAN SAYS:

 

ASS-MAN:  Hey there, dollface!  I gotta joke for ya!  What’s the difference between a smart ass and a dumb ass?  A wise crack!  Get it?  Hello?  Is this thing on??