COMING SOON TO A THEATER NEAR YOU…

 

(We see LINDA and JOHN asleep in a bed.  JOHN is snoring lightly.  Suddenly, we hear a flutter sound.  This is followed quickly by another flutter.  Now an even louder flutter.  LINDA and JOHN open their eyes.)

 

LINDA:  Did you hear that flutter?

JOHN:  I thought it was a flap.

LINDA:  Sort of like a flicker.

JOHN:  Possibly a flurry?

LINDA:  Maybe a…uh…I can’t think of any other noise words that start with F and L…

(Just then something small lands on LINDA’s nose.  Her eyes cross to look down upon it.  She screams and jumps out of bed.)

LINDA:  John!  Did you see that?

JOHN:  Yes!  My God!  What was it?

VOICEOVER:  A normal family in a normal household…

LINDA:  It just flew by my ear!  John, what was it?

JOHN:  I…I don’t know.

VOICEOVER:  …but this fall, there is nothing normal in this household…

(A scream is heard down the hall.)

LINDA:  That was Jill!  Our daughter!

JOHN:  My God!  I’ve never heard her scream like that!

LINDA:  I thought it was more of a shriek.  Or a screech.

JOHN:  Maybe a shout, perhaps?

VOICEOVER:  This fall, terror has a new name…

(We see JILL, age 9 or 10, so hard to tell kids’ ages these days in Hollywood.  She walks numbly into the bedroom.  Something…some THINGS…are on her face!!!)

JILL:  Mom…Dad?  Help…me!

LINDA:  Jill!!!

JOHN:  My God!  When did you develop acne?

JILL:  Huh?

JOHN:  Acne…that moves!!!

(JILL and LINDA scream.  We hear the flutter sounds again as the small things now fly around the room.  Just then a window shade flies open and we see the small things crawling all over the window.  The camera zooms in on JILL’s horrified face as she points to the window.)

JILL:  Stiiiiiiink buggggggggeeeeeeees!

JOHN:  My God!

VOICEOVER:  This fall, there is a new smell of terror.  STINK BUG! starring George Clooney as John…

JOHN:  Look at me smirk while I gather up the stink bugs with toilet paper.  Here!  Got another one.

VOICEOVER:  Reese Witherspoon as Linda, his wife…

LINDA:  Ha!  I crushed another stink bug with my chin!

VOICEOVER:  Lindsay Lohan, trying to recapture her cute, sober youth, as Jill…

JILL:  Listen, you two keep killing those stink bugs while I go visit my probationary officer, ‘kay?

VOICEOVER:  And Samuel L. Jackson as Flint McBlack the Exterminator…because Samuel L. Jackson stars in every other movie anyway…

McBLACK:  Enough is enough!  I’ve had it with these m*****f*****g stink bugs in this m*****f*****g house!

VOICEOVER:  This fall, there is no escape from STINK BUG!

LINDA:  They’re really not all that bad.  They’re just…all over the place!

JOHN:  Look how I smirk at everything you say.  Someone should just make a movie of me just standing around…smirking.  Cary Grant never smirked like this.

LINDA:  Also, come see me in my other new movie, “Legally Blonde 3:  Blonde, James Blonde.”  Yeah, you know you wanted another Legally Blonde movie.

McBLACK:  If my answers frighten you then you should cease asking scary questions.

JILL:  God, I need a drink.

McBLACK:  Hamburgers.  The cornerstone of any nutritious breakfast.

VOICEOVER:  This fall, come see the movie that really stinks.  STINK BUG!

(SCENE:  The operating room at Mt. Herback Hospital in Havre de Grace, MD.  The patient is strapped to the operating table, already unconscious under anesthesia.  The table is surrounded by nurses and students.  A WOMAN enters the room, fully dressed in operating garb and approaches the table.)

WOMAN:  Alright, ladies and gentlemen, let’s get this operation underway, shall we?  Please hand me the drill.

 

(The NURSE hands her a drill.  WOMAN begins to drill into the patient’s skull.)

WOMAN:  We’ll have this tumor out in no time.  Let me have the skull saw, please.

 

NURSE:  Are you sure you want the skull saw, doctor?  You haven’t finished the drilling yet.

 

WOMAN:  Are you telling me how to do my job, Nurse?  I’m a brain surgeon, for crying out loud!

 

(NURSE #2 rips the gown and cap off of WOMAN.)

NURSE #2:  Hold on a sec!  You’re not Dr. Martin!  You’re his wife!  What are you doing in here???

 

WOMAN:  Why shouldn’t I be allowed to act on this patient’s brain?  My husband is a brain surgeon and we’ve been married for 8 years!  By default that means that I am now qualified to be a brain surgeon!

 

NURSE:  My God!  Someone get this crazy lady out of the O.R.!  Page Dr. Martin immediately!

 

(A few students grab MRS. MARTIN and begin to drag her out of the operating room.)

WOMAN:  I know what I’m doing!  I’ve heard my husband discuss this procedure over the years!  That qualifies me to be a brain surgeon!  I’ve even seen pictures of a skull saw!  I once even stood outside the operating room while my husband did his job!  Why aren’t you listening to me?!?!  Let me go! 

 

MAN:  Has this ever happened to you?  You’re married to a brain surgeon for eight years and you wake up one morning believing that you are now qualified to hold a scalpel?  Silly, isn’t it?  Not to us here at Whitewater Pharmaceuticals.  We have just issued a new prescription drug called Delusionalpro to help those who suddenly begin to suffer from a delusional disorder.  Delusional disorder is a psychiatric diagnosis denoting a psychotic mental illness that involves holding one or more non-bizarre delusions in the absence of any other significant psychopathology (signs or symptoms of mental illness).  In this case, poor Mrs. Martin suffers the delusion that she is qualified to be a brain surgeon simply because her husband of 8 years is also a brain surgeon.  Taking Delusionalpro three times daily will cure your loved one of the most extreme effects of delusional disorder.

 

MRS. MARTIN:  I took Delusionalpro for six weeks and now I realize I am not qualified to be a brain surgeon!  I don’t know what I was thinking!

 

NARRATOR (spoken very quickly):  Side effects include:  delusions of grandeur, an increase in ego, thoughts of running for president, the inability to recognize one’s own limitations, the inability to recall past events such as dodging sniper fire in Bosnia, a false sense of invincibility, the inability to convey any sort of humor and the inability to know when to shut one’s mouth for one’s own good.

 

MAN:  Order Delusionalpro for your delusional loved one today before it’s too late for the rest of us!

ANNOUNCER:  Do you suffer from Premature Ejaculation or Erectile Dysfunction?  If so, the Boston Medical Troop can help you!  Just listen to one of the thousands of our socially and physically inept patients:

BOB:  My name is Bob and I suffered from Premature Ejaculation.  I suffered from the inability to control my ejaculation.  I ejaculated before I was ready to, and therefore I was unable to satisfy my partner.  My penis would ejaculate within minutes of penetrating my partner.  It left me feeling socially and physically inept.  You have no idea how disappointed I was when Viagra didn’t work for me.  I was so disappointed.  My sex partner was even more disappointed which left me feeling even more socially and physically inept.  My worst nightmare had come true.  In high school I had been voted “Most Likely To Be Socially and Physically Inept” and here I was, years later, suffering from the persistence of recurrent ejaculation with minimal sexual stimulation.

ANNOUNCER:  Bob then turned to the Boston Medical Troop for help.

BOB:  Yeah.  And what a great decision that turned out to be!  After Viagra disappointed me to no end, I turned to the Boston Medical Troop who treated me with respect.  For only a few hundred thousand dollars, they taught me how to masturbate an hour before I have sex with my partner so that when I have sex I can last for at least a half hour.  And if that doesn’t work, the Boston Medical Troop taught me how to drink alcohol before having sex with my partner so that I can last like a retired stud.  Now I no longer feel socially and physically inept.  Thanks to the Boston Medical Troop I can look at myself in the mirror each morning and know that I am sexually satisfying my partner every time we have sex once a month.

ANNOUNCER:  All it takes is merely a home equity loan and YOU can be just like Bob!

JIM:  My name is Jim and I suffered from Erectile Dysfunction, or ED as my buddies in the bar and I call it.  I suffered from the inability to achieve or maintain an erection sufficient for satisfactory sexual intercourse.  My partner began complaining that I was “not firm enough” for him…er…her and that made me feel socially and physically inept.  I turned to Viagra and was very disappointed when it didn’t work for me.  So disappointed.

ANNOUNCER:  Jim, like Bob, turned to the Boston Medical Troop.

JIM:  Yeah.  And what a great decision that turned out to be!  I learned that I’m not the only guy out there with Erectile Dysfunction!  It turns out that lots of men are just as socially and physically inept like me!  You have no idea how good I felt.

ANNOUNCER:  Jim felt good.

JIM:  Yeah.  Once I took out a home equity loan, I sat down with a number of doctors at the Boston Medical Troop who told me that I needed to stop smoking pot on a regular basis.  Well, I did that but I still found myself trying to have sex at half mast.  My doctors then explained that the fact that I consume 20 quarts of whiskey a week could ALSO affect the potency of my groinal timber.  So after I quit the marijuana and the drinking I was able to achieve my manliness once again and sexually satisfy my partner(s).  Thanks, Boston Medical!  You guys are swell.

ANNOUNCER:  The Boston Medical Troop.  Call now for a free consultation!  1-800-SO-INEPT.  Call now and we’ll help your penis feel swell!

AND NOW, BACK TO THE OPRAH WINFREY SHOW

OPRAH:  We’re back with FCC Chairman, Kevin Martin, discussing the incessant sexual crudeness we’re finding on our television and radio airwaves.  Mr. Martin, what can be done to put a stop to the likes of Howard Stern, Opie & Anthony, etc. who continually air sexual innuendos on their programs?

60-second radio spot for the product Lackadaisicil.

 

(Sounds of serious, sinister music.)

NARRATOR:  Are you tired?  Do you wake up some mornings…tired?  Do you come home from work some nights…exhausted?  Ever look in the mirror in the morning and say to yourself, “Look at me!  I’m starting to look like Walter Mondale!  Gosh, I could really use another 20 winks!  What is a wink?  And would 20 more really help you from feeling so…fatigued?”  

MAN #1: I’m a 35-year-old man, not an actor.  I have a wife and two kids.  I work all day, come home at night, play with my kids, give them their baths, read them stories before bedtime and the next thing I know is…I’m tired.  And I think to myself, “How the heck did that happen?”

WOMAN #1: I’m a 37-year-old woman, not an actress.  I have a husband, three kids and a career.  I teach a spinning class in the morning, work all day, come home at night, cook dinner with my exhausted husband, give our kids their baths, play with them afterwards, then tuck them in bed.  I usually get five or six hours of sleep a night, but I still find myself…tired!  And I say to my husband while we eat our take-out, “What is wrong with us?”

MAN #2: I’m a 27-year-old man, not an actor.  I’m not married and I don’t have kids.  But I work long hours followed by an hour or two in the gym each night working out.  Then I go out drinking with my buddies and usually watch TV until two or three in the morning.  When I wake up for work around 6AM, I suddenly find myself…tired!  And I say to myself, “This has to be George W. Bush’s fault!”

NARRATOR: The people you just listened to are not actors!

WOMAN #1: And I’m not an actress.

NARRATOR: They are regular, hard-working people who for some reason or another find themselves drained, exhausted, depleted.  This is not normal.  (We suddenly hear pleasant music.) If you ever find yourself in any of these categories, you should think about using Lackadaisicil, a new drug from the makers of Cyprisil, the prescription drug that cures erectile dysfunction.  Lackadaisicil is a new prescription drug that cures that annoying and preventable daily fatigue.

WOMAN #2: I thought about going to bed a little earlier rather than planting my spreading ass on the couch and watching MSNBC for five hours, but instead I’m going to take Lackadaisicil.  Now when I wake up in the morning I feel refreshed, revitalized and ready for another long day in the office!  Oh, and uh, I’m not an actress either.

MAN #1: Yeah, I thought about drinking less coffee at night and maintaining a healthier diet, but I’d rather take Lackadaisicil!  Who has time to sleep these days?

NARRATOR: All across the country, Americans are tired of being tired!

DOCTOR:  I recommend Lackadaisicil to my patients all the time!  I even take it as well.  As a doctor and not an actor, I can’t let myself get worn down.  Lackadaisicil is made from all naturally artificial ingredients, so I know I’m filling my body up with decent, wholesome goodness each and every day!  Did I read that correctly?  Was that a good take?  Where’s my agent?

NARRATOR: So take Lackadaisicil every day so you no longer feel tired!

NARRATOR #2 (spoken VERY quickly): Side effects may include: high blood pressure, high cholesterol, excessive vomiting, excessive gas, chronic diarrhea, excessive urination, enlarged liver, lack of energy, kidney failure, gum disease, tooth decay, AIDS, chronic acne, excessive dandruff, chronic excessiveness, bloating, schizophrenia, complete exhaustion, suicidal tendencies, arthritis, baldness, paranoia, anal warts, mild hernias, mild comas, smallpox, hallucinations, yellow fever, lyme disease, hepatitis, obesity, hemophilia, cancer, diabetes, scurvy, bankruptcy, epilepsy, blindness, disfigurement, heart palpitations, heart disease, strokes, menstrual cramps, erectile dysfunction and death.

NARRATOR #1: Ask your doctor for a free trial today! Lackadaisicil.  Aren’t you tired of being tired?

60-second spot for the product Cyprisil.

(Sounds of a spring day.  Pleasant music, birds chirping, creek flowing, steaks sizzling on the grill, a young couple laughing.)

NARRATOR:  Ah, the sounds of spring.  The smell of flowers and newly cut lawns; the warm, bright sun on your skin and the hint of love in the air.  (Sound effects halted and now we hear serious, sinister music.)  But what happens if you can’t perform for your loved one this spring?  Thats why there is new Cyprisil.  (Pleasant music heard once again.)  If taken daily for the rest of your life, studies show that Cyprisil could increase your sexual performance by a lot. 

MAN #1 (sad): I’m a 47-year-old white male.  I’m too young to be suffering from erectile dysfunction.  A few months ago, my wife said to me, “Honey, I’m no longer happy being married to a limp wimp.  You better do something or else I’m going to buy a lapdog.”  I knew I had to do something, so I turned to my doctor.

DOCTOR:  I recommended Cyprisil to my patient.  Cyprisil will put the lead back in your pipe in only six weeks!

MAN #1 (happy as hell): Six weeks into my medication (sound effect of a bouncing diving board: BOY-YOY-YOING!) and my marriage was saved!

WOMAN:  Ooh, Harold!  Where’d you get the sundial?

MAN #1: That ain’t no sundial, sweetheart.

WOMAN:  That’s a shame ‘cause I was gonna wind it up fer ya!!!  (Sound of giggling and dogs barking.)

NARRATOR:  You see, Cyprisil is a prescription drug that works by increasing blood flow to the penis.  It is not a hormone or an aphrodisiac.  At least we don’t think so.  We’re still only in Phase I of the clinical trial stage and the FDA hasn’t even caught a whiff of this drug yet, but it’s so damn good we couldn’t wait to get it on the market!

MAN #2 (sad): I’m a 25-year-old Hispanic male.  I can’t seem to last two minutes in bed with my wife.  Last month she said to me, “Honey, I’m no longer happy being married to somebody with an early bird.”  I knew I had to do something, so I turned to my doctor.

DOCTOR:  Fortunately, I was standing right behind Juan, and amazingly, I am the same doctor who recommended Cyprisil to the 47-year-old white male just a few seconds ago.  Once again, I recommended Cyprisil to this young Hispanic male as well.  He was experiencing premature ejaculation, a common problem with young males who don’t take Cyprisil. 

MAN #2 (happy as hell): And six weeks later, I was lasting nearly 10 hours!  My wife is still in the hospital and considering legal action!

NARRATOR: So take Cyprisil to improve your sex life and your well being!

NARRATOR #2 (spoken VERY quickly): Side effects may include: high blood pressure, high cholesterol, excessive vomiting, excessive gas, chronic diarrhea, excessive urination, enlarged liver, kidney failure, gum disease, tooth decay, AIDS, chronic acne, excessive dandruff, chronic excessiveness, bloating, schizophrenia, suicidal tendencies, arthritis, baldness, paranoia, anal warts, mild hernias, smallpox, hallucinations, yellow fever, lyme disease, hepatitis, obesity, hemophilia, cancer, diabetes, scurvy, bankruptcy, epilepsy, blindness, disfigurement, heart palpitations, heart disease, strokes, menstrual cramps, erectile dysfunction and death.  If erection lasts more than 12 hours, call 9-1-1.  You’ll have your hands full before then.  Well, someone will.

NARRATOR #1: Ask your doctor for a free trial today!  Cyprisil!  Put the spring back in your board! (BOY-YOY-YOING!)

1999

(Sound of demonic music)

MAN: Michael Selvaggio.

(Quick cut to pleasant music)

WOMAN: Claudia Fox.

(Sound of demonic music)

MAN: Michael Selvaggio.

(Quick cut to pleasant music)

WOMAN: Claudia Fox.

(Sound of demonic music)

MAN:  Michael Selvaggio.

(Quick cut to pleasant music)

WOMAN: Claudia Fox.

(Sound of “The Godfather” theme)

MAN: For the past four years, Michael Selvaggio has been our state senator.  What does this Mafia loving scumbag have to show for it?  Taxes have been increased 347% since Selvaggio took office.  The state is $4 trillion in debt.  Nine out of 10 people are unemployed.  The 10^th person is slowly dying due to the Selvaggio Bill which states that each working citizen pay 100% of his or her own health benefits.  Health benefit costs that have increased by 172% during Selvaggio’s term.  Murder in the state has increased 38%, bestiality is up 42%, SAT scores are down 27%…when will it all end?

(Sound of pleasant music.)

WOMAN: It all ends this November 4^th when you vote for Claudia Fox.  Ms. Fox is a devoted housewife, mother and businesswoman who will get our state back on track.  While Mr. Selvaggio was hoarding your tax dollars to build his 100-acre horse farm, Ms. Fox was being elected “Business Woman of the Century” by her peers in the real estate industry.  While Mr. Selvaggio was using your tax dollars for 2 month vacations in Aruba, Ms. Fox was being hailed by her neighbors as “God’s Gift to Our Subdivision.”  While Mr. Selvaggio was making sure that his enemies were sleeping with the fishes, Ms. Fox was running the neighborhood block party, baking three batches of brownies herself.

(Sound of demonic music)

MAN: Michael Selvaggio.  Do we want four more years of negligence?

(Sound of pleasant music.)

WOMAN: No, we want Claudia Fox!  She’ll bring honor and decency back to our state.  Claudia Fox for state senate!

MAN #2: Paid for by the friends and family of Claudia Fox.  Sam Sleaze, Treasurer.

 

2003

(Sound of demonic music)

MAN: Claudia Fox.

(Quick cut to pleasant music)

WOMAN: Steve Moyer.

(Sound of demonic music)

MAN: Claudia Fox.

(Quick cut to pleasant music)

WOMAN: Steve Moyer.

(Sound of demonic music)

MAN: Claudia Fox.

(Quick cut to pleasant music)

WOMAN: Steve Moyer.

(Sound of demonic music)

MAN: For the past four years, Claudia Fox has been our state senator.  What does she have to show for it?  Taxes have been increased 347% since Fox took office.  The state is $8 trillion in debt.  Nine out of 10 people are either dead or unemployed since Claudia Fox became our state senator.  Health benefit costs have increased by 172% during Fox’s term.  Murder in the state has increased 38%, bestiality is up 42%, SAT scores are down 27%…when will it all end?

(Quick cut to pleasant music)

WOMAN: It all ends this November 4^th when you vote for Steve Moyer.  Mr. Moyer is a devoted husband, father and businessman who will get our state back on track.  While Ms. Fox was hoarding your tax dollars to put her three delinquent kids through college, Mr. Moyer was coaching his local high school’s basketball team to a state championship.  Mr. Moyer himself paid for the team’s uniforms because Ms. Fox slashed all educational funding by 96% during her term!  Steve Moyer is an honest, God fearing man who loves and respects his fellow citizens, not some spotlight seeking whore like Claudia Fox! You want change?  Steve Moyer…state Senate.

(Sound of demonic music)

MAN: Claudia Fox…slut.

(Quick cut to pleasant music)

WOMAN: Steve Moyer…state Senate!

MAN #2: Paid for by friends and family of Steve Moyer.  Kerr Upt, Treasurer.