Email Q&A with Joe Cockiavalli, the know-it-all proprietor and bartender of Joe Cock’s in Brooklyn, NY:

 

Dear Joe Cock,

I hear the Mets have some good-looking pitching prospects this year!  What do you think?

Eddie G.

 

Dear Eddie,

I’d trade them all for one ugly player who can actually throw!

Joe Cockiavalli

 

Dear Joe Cock,

What do you think is the leading cause of fear in our society today?

Nancy R.

 

Dear Nancy,

24/7 cable news networks.

Joe Cockiavalli

 

Dear Joe Cock,

I think I’ve fallen in love with one of my co-workers but she won’t give me the time of day!  What should I do?

Peter S.

 

Dear Peter,

Buy yourself a watch. 

Joe Cockiavalli

 

Dear Joe Cock,

What is the first sign of senility?

Joan H.

 

Dear Joan,

Having to ask that question.

Joe Cockiavalli

 

Dear Joe Cock,

My wife is getting really frustrated with me in bed because…well…I’m just not “lasting” long enough.  Anything I can do to help myself run the full marathon?

Dan B.

 

Dear Dan,

I get this question quite often, so don’t feel so bad.  You should do what I do when I find myself in this delicate situation…don’t care!  Nah, I’m just kidding.  Look, your wife will come around eventually…and usually on her own.  J

Joe Cockiavalli

 

Dear Joe Cock,

I’ve been gaining a ton of weight lately and I have no idea how this is happening!  I’ve been exercising more and cutting down on my drinking but I’m five pounds heavier than I was a month ago!  Any advice?

Loretta T.

 

Dear Loretta,

Maybe you’re using your refrigerator light as a night light? 

Joe Cockiavalli

 

Dear Joe Cock,

My wife says I’m always wrong and she’s always right.  Is there a chance I can be wrong all of the time?

Jim B.

 

Dear Jim,

Sure…if you’re a meteorologist.

Joe Cockiavalli

 

Dear Joe Cock,

I have really fallen on hard times.  I’m a sex addict and I’ve ruined my marriage by cheating on my wonderful, beautiful wife with countless women!  I’ve checked into a sex rehab.  Do you think this will stop my addiction with sex and save my marriage?

Tommy Z.

 

Dear Tommy,

Brilliant move checking into a sex rehab.  There you’ll be staying with other women who are also addicted to sex.  It’s like an alcoholic moving into my bar to deal with his disease.  Oh, but here’s the difference…being addicted to alcohol is actually a disease.  Claiming that you cheated on your wife because you’re “addicted” to sex is a lousy excuse. 

Joe Cockiavalli

 

Dear Joe Cock,

I fear for my husband’s soul.  He’s a scoundrel, a liar and a cheat.  What’s the best way to reach his heart?

Debbie P.

 

Dear Debbie,

Through his teeth.

Joe Cockiavalli

 

Dear Joe Cock,

I’m bored with my drinking and I’d like to try something new.  I’m thinking something cold and loaded with rum.  What do you recommend?

Tom H.

 

Dear Tom,

Stop by the bar any Friday night.  I’ll introduce you to my wife.

Joe Cockiavalli