From the blog of Flex Malarky, 43, of West Chester, PA on 1/10/12:

Bad day yesterday.  Was picked at work for a random drug screen and I failed the test.  How?  I missed the damn cup. 

I was in McDonald’s for breakfast and ordered the hotcakes and sausage.  Spilled some maple syrup on myself.  Went to the front counter and held up my sticky hands.  “Can I help you?” the male teenage employee behind the cash register asked me.  “Yes,” I said.  “Wash my hands.”  “Excuse me?” asked the employee.  Now his manager stood beside him.  “My hands are sticky,” I explained.  “Please wash my hands.”  “Why would I do that?” the employee asked.  I then pointed to a sign on the wall that read, “ALL EMPLOYEES MUST WASH HANDS.”  The manager looked at his employee and shrugged.  “He’s got ya,” he said.  “I’ll grab the soap and towel.”

My wife decided to take a nice, relaxing bath last night.  I poked my head in and said, “You know, I read somewhere that epsom salt in the bath is good for you.”  “Uh, thanks,” said my wife as I poured some in.  Two minutes later, I poked my head in and said, “It also said to put cucumber slices over your eyes.”  “Yeah, great,” said my wife as I placed the slices on her eyes.  Two minutes later, I poked my head in and said, “And it noted that Egyptians used milk in their baths for smooth skin” as I poured in some 2%.  “Oh,” I cried, “I forgot the oatmeal!”  My wife, extremely un-relaxed, cried out, “You sure that wasn’t an article about cannibalism?!?!”

Not only did I fail my drug test yesterday, I also got bad news from my doctor on my annual checkup.  “I have some bad news, Mr. Malarky,” he said.  “We have your test results.”  I felt my heart leap into my throat.  I figured maybe that was the problem.  First a frog, now my heart.  What did they find so attractive about my throat?  “What is it, doc?” I asked.  “is it serious?”  My doctor was examining the results.  “I’m afraid you have ‘natural causes’,” he said solemnly.  “My God,” I groaned, “my uncle died from that!!”